A Small Indiscretion

A Small Indiscretion

by Jan Ellison


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780812995442
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 01/20/2015
Pages: 336
Product dimensions: 6.30(w) x 9.30(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Jan Ellison is an O. Henry Prize winner and a graduate of Stanford University. She left college for a year at nineteen to travel and work in Europe, taking notes that two decades later became the germ of A Small Indiscretion. Ellison lives in California with her husband of twenty years and their four children.

Read an Excerpt

A Small Indiscretion

A Novel

By Jan Ellison

Random House LLC

Copyright © 2015 Jan Ellison
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8129-9544-2


London, the year I turned twenty.

I wore a winter coat, the first I'd ever owned—a man's coat purchased at a secondhand store. I wore it every day, along with a silk scarf tied around my neck, imagining I looked arty or sophisticated. Each scarf cost a pound, and I bought them from an Indian woman who kept a stall in the tube station at Victoria, where I caught my train to work. They were thin, crinkled things, not the sort of scarves that ought to be worn to work in an office or that offered any protection against the cold. But I could not resist them, their weightlessness and soft, faint colors. The money I spent on them, and the habit I adopted of wearing a different one each day, seems to me now a haphazard indulgence, an attempt to prove that I was the kind of girl capable of throwing herself headlong into an affair with her boss—a married man twice her age—and escaping without consequence.

"Church," he said, the morning I arrived at the address the woman at the agency had printed out on a card. "Malcolm Church."

He extended his hand, and right away I was struck by a certain contradiction in him—the impressive height and mass of him in opposition to his stooped shoulders, his hesitant manner, his unwieldy arms and legs. He had a square face and round brown eyes and brown hair streaked with gray, but his features were mostly overwhelmed by his size, so that all I remembered afterward was the pleasing sensation of feeling small, by comparison, even at five feet eight. He had a strange way of talking, his head tucked into his neck and his eyes fixed in the empty space beyond, as if something were suspended there, ripe fruit or a glimmer of light, as if he were not quite brave enough, or perhaps too polite, to look a person in the eye.

He asked me how long I was available. I told him I planned to be in London three months, but that my work permit was good for six, through March of next year. I'd intended to claim I was available indefinitely, since the position was listed as full--time permanent, and I was entirely out of money and badly needed the job, but something had stopped me. Not a sense of right and wrong or fear of getting caught, but a hard center of self--importance I had not lived long enough to shed, the notion that I would offer myself on my own terms or not at all. And I was buoyed up by my typing speed—eighty words per minute—about which he never even inquired.

"That'll be fine," Malcolm said, staring intently over my shoulder as he proceeded to explain that his work was in structural engineering, and that he was currently preparing a bid for the new Docklands Light Rail station at Canary Wharf. The London Docklands, he explained, was an area in east and southeast London whose docks had once been part of the Port of London. The area had fallen into disarray, and in the seventies, the government had put forward plans for commercial and residential redevelopment. Malcolm had been involved in the early phases of the project. Now he was hoping to work on the renovation of the original rail station.

There would be dictation and word processing, he said, a little research and generally helping to set up the office and assemble the bid. The office was a single room upstairs from a sandwich shop near Bond Street, with two desks, industrial gray carpet and two folding metal chairs. On one desk was an unusual photograph of a woman and a baby, a posed black--and--white image with a startling play of silver light and shadow set against a background of trees and sky. A single smudge of pink had been hand-painted over the baby's lips. It was Malcolm's family—his wife, Louise, who would feature so prominently in my thoughts, and their infant daughter, Daisy, who was by then ten years old and away at the boarding school in the north that Louise had attended when she was Daisy's age. I was to learn later that the photograph had been taken by a young man named Patrick Ardghal, the son of an old family friend of Malcolm's, who was living in the cottage out back of Malcolm and Louise's house in Richmond. He'd taken the photo a decade earlier, when he was in art school.

In the photo Louise had blond hair and a fine straight nose and a smile with a hint of impatience in it, perhaps not with the baby per se, but with the general condition of motherhood into which Louise had finally plunged. It had taken them seven years to conceive their daughter, Malcolm told me later. By the time they became parents they had already been married a decade, and Louise had not wanted another child. She didn't have the temperament for it, Malcolm said. It overwhelmed and exhausted her and the delivery had nearly killed her, the baby, Daisy, having inherited from her father a rather large head.

I moved from a youth hostel in Earl's Court to a boardinghouse in Victoria. The building was five stories high, made of gray stone, on a block not far from the tube station. My room was ten feet square with bright--blue walls, a laminate desk and a hard, narrow bed covered in a thin white spread. There were bathrooms down the hall. There were no showers, only a single tub and a hose you attached to the faucet for washing your hair. There was no lock on the room with the bathtub, so I made a habit of propping a chair in front of the door for privacy. The chair, as I recall, did not stop Patrick Ardghal. Nothing much stopped Patrick when he had an idea in his mind. He simply shoved the door hard, and I welcomed him, I suppose, as I always did, and he undressed and climbed in. Our wet bodies were awkwardly entangled long enough to please him—then he left, as he always did, taking my heart with him.

My rent was sixty pounds a week, including breakfast and dinner. The meals were served buffet--style in the dining room downstairs. There were eggs and toast and stewed tomatoes for breakfast, meat pie or fish and chips or baked ham for dinner. It was a source of solidarity among the other boarders to complain about the food but I could not in good conscience join in. I loved those meals, the bounty and efficiency of them, the thick gravies, the custards and puddings and soft, fat rolls. It seemed a small miracle to me, to have so much available and to be paying for it all with my own wages. It pleased me, too, each time I handed over a pound coin in exchange for a scarf, and when I purchased, at the secondhand shop in Notting Hill, the winter coat, a full--length single-breasted gray tweed with covered buttons and a wide collar that could be turned up against the cold. I wore my coat and scarf and descended the escalator into the bowels of Victoria Station, emerging again into the dense, unyielding energy of city life feeling brisk, and stylish, and superior to the person I'd been when I'd left home. I was taken over by a sense of liberation and possibility. Any false steps I made now would be mine alone. Any foolish moves would be private business that had no bearing on the hopes and dreams of others, and that would not later be a source of remorse or reckoning or pain.

* * *

What a shock to discover, some twenty years later, that exactly the opposite was true. To learn, in the aftermath, that I hadn't known the half of it. To stand in my San Francisco kitchen last June and slip my finger through the flap of a white envelope, and to find a black--and--white photograph of myself in that tweed coat, standing on the chalk down of the White Cliffs of Dover, waiting to board a ferry to Paris.

It was a photograph innocent enough to anyone unacquainted with its history, its treacherous biological imperatives, its call for reparations left unpaid. It had been solarized, just as the photo of Louise and the baby on Malcolm's desk had been. It had been subjected to a light source in the darkroom, causing a reversal of dark and light. My form, and Malcolm's, along with the inch of air between us, were bathed in silver light that brightened at the edges like a halo. Louise and Patrick, on the other side of the photo, were deep in shadow. The scarf I was wearing had been hand--colored a blunt red. It was tied around my neck like a choker, like a noose. But it wasn't me who was about to hang.


Excerpted from A Small Indiscretion by Jan Ellison. Copyright © 2015 Jan Ellison. Excerpted by permission of Random House LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Reading Group Guide

1. In the beginning of the novel, Annie writes: “Between those bookends was a family whose happiness might still be intact if only I’d been able to see the threats to it more clearly.” Is Annie reponsible for Robbie’s accident, and for her family’s unraveling? Is it in her power to protect them?

2. There is more than one indiscretion in the novel. Which do you think the title refers to, or might it refer to more than one?

3. On page 302, Annie writes that it is “easier to blame the impulsiveness of youth than the wanton self-indulgence of a grown woman.” How can this statement be assessed in the context of Annie’s story? Why does Annie confess to Jonathan upon her return from London? 

4. After Jonathan moves out, Clara and Polly are passed between their parents “like a restaurant dessert.” Is Jonathan’s decision to move out defensible? How are the girls’ childhoods altered by the events of the summer? How might they look back on this period in their lives?

5. The novel takes the form of a confessional letter from Annie to Robbie. It also moves back and forth across two decades and spans three continents. How did this structure affect your reading experience?  Does the structure remind you of any other novels?

6. Annie’s youthful relationship with Patrick is tortured and unfulfilling, yet she continues to yearn for him for more than twenty years. What causes this obsession? And why does it fade once Annie finally meets Patrick in London as an adult? 

7. On page 250, Patrick defines art as “whatever stands in the world with no other purpose than to move us.” Annie in turn suggests that art should at least be beautiful. Do you agree with either of these definitions? What other scenes and situations in the novel speak to the themes of art and beauty? 

8. Early in the novel, Annie writes: “The heart is large, and there is more than one material in the bucket we call love.” How does the novel address the theme of the nature of love? How do notions or definitions of love evolve as the novel progresses, and Annie matures? 

9. Alcoholism runs in Annie’s family, yet when she finds herself abroad at nineteen, she begins to drink heavily. How might Annie’s upbringing have influenced this behavior? What leads to Annie’s “bargain” with herself in the clinic in San Francisco, as described on page 209?

10. The letter Annie receives from Emme’s uncle contains a major revelation. Did this revelation come as a surprise? What previous scenes hint at this revelation? Is Emme justified in holding Annie responsible for the shaping of her own history?

11.  Annie posits that a memory is “by its nature a revision…. shaped by the waves of time, and by the history that has rushed against it since…” How does the novel interrogate the nature of memory? Is Annie a reliable narrator? How would the story be different if it were told from Jonathan’s point of view? Or Robbie’s? Or Emme’s?

12. On page 273, Annie realizes that if she expects to be forgiven, she must “forgive indiscriminately” from now on.  Which characters, besides Annie, seek forgiveness? Which characters are ultimately redeemed, and which, if any, are not?

13. The novel concludes without describing what happens when Annie flies to Paris to reveal to Robbie the truth about his paternity and about Emme’s motivations. How do you imagine events unfolding between Annie and Robbie, and ultimately, between Robbie and Emme?

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A Small Indiscretion 4.1 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 30 reviews.
J_Reeder More than 1 year ago
This is a very dramatic "emotional thriller" that takes the form of a woman writing letters to her son, who is in a coma. Obviously with that premise, it's not a book to read if you're looking for a laugh, but if you're looking for a page-turner that examines love, family and forgiveness (and bonus: much of it takes place in Europe!), this is a perfect choice. Ellison has serious writing chops - almost every sentence is lyrical and the plot is tight. It's hard to believe this is her first novel! "Jonathan and I drove up and down El Camino Real until we found a room in a motel close to the hospital, the Mermaid Inn, a pink stucco affliction squeezed between a Starbucks and an independent bookstore." "Under the baking sun were three-story apartment buildings painted pastel colors, bounded by concrete and chain link, whole communities of children contained within." "A column of gnats hovered above the grass. From where I reclined, it looked like rain afraid to land." "There was music coming from somewhere, and we danced." "He told me he could taste the sparks on my skin." "I stood on the frosty ground at the edge of the cliff. It was very steep and there was no railing. I could have jumped. Or pushed someone." "...the memory of that dinner clings to me like a hangover that won't end."
TCE0 More than 1 year ago
From the very first pages I was drawn into Annie Black's life and desperate to know how her story would unfold. The beautiful, vivid, insightful and honest storytelling moved me, inescapably, between the frivolous years of my own youth and my overwhelming need now, as a parent, to protect my family. The story is engrossing, the characters compelling, the prose faultless, and the twist at the end ingenious. I thoroughly loved this book and could only, grudgingly, put it down when life absolutely forced me to. If you haven’t already read it get it now!
lynnski0723 More than 1 year ago
This is an odd book - I'm not sure how they can compare this to "The Girl on the Train" in the hype. Maybe because they both have alcoholic women as main characters? I just don't see the comparison. And this isn't close to being written as well. This is story of a women telling the past and current parts of her life to her college aged son while he is in a ooma recovering from an accident. Some of the things she says to her son, I couldn't imagine telling my child nor hearing it from my mother. And the flow from 20 years ago to present isn't smooth so you feel that it jumps around quite a bit. This is a debut novel though so maybe as she gains more writing experience, her books will improve. Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a copy of the book in return for an honest review.
Xkoqueen More than 1 year ago
Compelling, Emotional Thriller I received a complimentary copy of this novel via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Intense, heart-breaking and revealing are adjectives previously used to describe A Small Indiscretion by Jan Ellison, and I am obliged to agree. This is an intricately woven tale. It is complex and compelling. It is an amazing debut novel. The story is told in 1998 England and 2012 San Francisco. The past is told as the main character, Annie, writes a letter to her only son explaining her past and it’s far reaching tentacles.  At age 19, Annie escapes her small hometown to live and perhaps travel in Europe. She lands in London. She wants something more from her life than her mother has, but she is haphazard in finding out what that something is. She is flawed and careless in her decision-making. She becomes hopelessly tangled in two conjoined love triangles. Annie needs Malcolm’s steadiness and stability; he’s everything she didn’t get in a father. She wants elusive, stylish, sexy Patrick. Louise and Malcolm want to rediscover passion and zest for living in the arms of their younger companions who need their financial support. In her flight from this twisted, tangled mess, Annie meets Jonathan. They eventually wed, but not before the affects of alcohol once again steer Annie to make the wrong decision. I felt the comfort of a long marriage and the reliance on a spouse who may not fully be appreciated on a daily basis, but you miss like an amputated limb once s/he is gone. I felt the arduousness of a long marriage and the tedium of daily life with small children. I felt the denial of bad decisions made in the past, and the prettying up of one’s personal history.  “Of course, it is upon the rubble of ancient history that the present stands”. Annie transfers the burden and guilt of her decisions to others because she doesn’t have the strength to carry them herself. She sets those burdens free only to burden others, and, in return, she eventually receives grief, remorse, pain and suffering. The tiny pebble Annie tosses creates long, slow ripples across the surface of her life. A Small Indiscretion by Jan Ellison is a big, fat, juicy onion that is slowly and painfully peeled, each layer revealing intimate details of Annie’s past to her son, Robbie, and the reader. It is magnificent in its intimacy and suspense.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Like Reading a Beautiful Painting -- The author has tooled her words, coloring the characters' complexity with subtle nuance around the mysterious texture of a canvas that stretches across decades. She captures the passion and freedom of young love and artfully weights it with the responsibilities and consequence of parenthood and marriage in a mystery.
gaele More than 1 year ago
Poignantly depicting the ramifications of ‘A Small Indiscretion’ on life many years later, Jan Ellison uses flashback retelling and current concerns to follow the life of Annie, and how she believes her choices made at 19 years of age are affecting her life now some 21 years later.  Annie, at 19, took $200 and headed out to find more, and every choice she made then have ostensibly led her to her present life in  California, married with three children.  But she is seeing some ‘crossovers’ between her choices and those her children are facing, and the arrival of an old photograph from her past spurs her to seek out answers and closure.   In the present, Annie’s life is reasonably successful and married to Jonathan, a doctor, with three children and a successful lighting  fixtures store in San Francisco. She’s carefully put her past obsessions away, although the need for some closure does occasionally haunt. When comparing the newly arrived photo to her hatbox full of keepsakes, she realizes that there are some issues and events  she had never ‘sorted’.  Told in a letter form to her son Marcus, this is Annie’s way of explaining her choices and actions, and her perception of their effect on  her life at present.  Raw and honest, Annie doesn’t hold back on her own culpability in questionable choices, but what emerges is a strongly developed picture of a woman who did what was needed, and often wanted, to get to her now.  While the format is a bit unusual, and plenty of switches from past to present, you are drawn in to the story, wanting to know or be Annie,  even as you don’t want to live her experiences. With plenty of emotional turmoil to sort through, you are never quite sure what you think,  only that you need to keep reading. The suspense comes in needing to know that things can work for Annie to find happiness, and you want that for her.  Plenty of twists and some highly unexpected moments are liberally sprinkled through the story, few are foreshadowed and each one enriches the emotional impact of the story for Annie and readers alike.  A wonderful debut novel, full of lush prose and emotive description with characters that come to life and hold onto your thoughts long after the last page is turned.  I received an eArc copy of the title from the publisher via NetGalley for purpose of honest review. I was not compensated for this review: all conclusions are my own responsibility. 
SMHarris More than 1 year ago
I won a copy of Jan Ellison's A SMALL INDISCRETION via an online giveaway. The novel focuses on Annie, whose relationships in her life aren't perfect... and neither is she. The author has created such a likeable, realistic main character that you'll want to "walk" with Annie as she faces her past and strives for a better future. Even though the plot itself had few/no surprises, I still highly recommend the novel for an entertaining read.
Dunnigans_Wall More than 1 year ago
Because I'm inclined toward contrarianism, I'm going to put my bottom line at the top. As product-hawkers say in the fine print, your reading experience may differ, but for me, A Small Indiscretion is a thoroughly engaging, top-drawer first novel by a smart, classy writer. And it’s even better the second time around. Some books, I read once and that’s enough. Even excellent, 5-star books by excellent authors. No matter how satisfying the book was on that first reading, I just know I’ll never read it again. Others, I’ll read over and over, although I usually let some water flow under the bridge between readings. In the case of A Small Indiscretion not so much water has flowed between first and second readings. A day. And I have to confess that I so far in this second reading am still in awe of Annie Black, the protagonist/narrator, and by extension, author Jan Ellison. More so, even. Some of the awe has to do with the raw, almost painful honesty that comes through in Annie’s descriptions of her own frailties and misadventures, and her evolution as a human being over the two decades spanned by the story. But that’s not all of it. A particular treat for me was descriptions of places I’ve visited and more that I haven’t. I got to experience locales in London and Paris, for example, in ways I probably wouldn’t have even had I been standing right next to Annie Black. There’s a simultaneous simplicity and richness in the writing that’s almost paradoxical. As a writer, it's hard not to appreciate that. It's also hard not to appreciate the unobtrusive insights on life and love that add cognitive weight to the narrative. Annie Black is a character who sees below the surface and Jan does a sleek job of inserting Annie's hard won wisdom here and there with grace and a gentle touch. On the first reading I was pulled through book by the mysteries. They sucked me right in and kept me turning pages until I got to the last page (after a satisfying denouement). Although no bloody corpse appeared on the first page, I didn't find it the least bit slow starting and read it in two sittings with only an interruption for sleep. One of the mysteries I had to have solved was whether or not Annie was going to eventually give her intensely personal epistle to her young adult son; after all, some of the biologically graphic disclosures might be called "too much information" in today's vernacular. As with any novel with mysteries, I had my guesses; some turned out correct, some not-so-much. I like that in a novel. As a fellow novelist I'm always looking for storytelling chops I might be able to steal or at least emulate. So this second time around I’m reading more for appreciation of the author’s storytelling craft, how the hooks were planted, hints dropped and the pieces of the puzzle assembled at just the right times. I’m also allowing myself to just soak in Jan's narrative voice and her command of nuance: in other words, the color and depth of her writing, the authentic ring of the dialog, stuff like that. And I’m taking it slower, like the way my mother always said I should eat. Not wolfing it down, but letting my literary tastebuds capture every bit of savor in the language. So far, this second reading is even more satisfying than the first. A good sign.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Really enjoyed this novel. Didn't want it to end!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very disjointed. Story is patched together and the parts do not meld together.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
She was lucky her husband forgave her. She made one mistake after the other. Felt sorry for her family, but not for her.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love the way Jan Ellison tells a story. Could feel every emotion. Looking forward to reading more nook books by her. Sookyde
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I stumbled upon this book and couldn't put it down.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Had high expectations for this book - not really all that great. I guess I just expected more. It was on sale for $1.99 so I don't feel it was totally wasted money. But paying anymore would be ridiculous.
redbeer625 More than 1 year ago
Unfortunately I really didn't enjoy the book. I had it on my wish list for a long time. Bought for a trip and finished it. I have read Girl on the Train but I don't think it compares. I guess I was looking for more of a thriller book to keep me on the end of my seat.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I kept trying to read this book and couldn't get into it. I finally had a lazy Sunday and read the entire book and really liked it. I would definitely recommend it. It's a good story and good character development. Seems everyone has to compare every psychological thriller to Gone Girl or Girl on a Train. Just read a book and enjoy it for what it is. It's a well written book.
thebookwormNJ More than 1 year ago
I found A Small Indiscretion to be a quiet and intense novel centered around a woman whose actions in her youth continue to carry on into her adulthood and affect not only herself, but her loved ones also. The story goes to and from past and present as you are drawn into Annie Black’s life. Author Jan Ellison slowly drew me in, I did not know where Annie’s story was going but I wanted to find out. Annie is a married mother whose son is in a horrible car accident and is in a medically induced coma when she begins to write down her story, which is essentially a confession, for him. I didn’t particularly care for Annie but I felt bad for her at times especially because her son is near death. I am not a fan of infidelity, so I am weary when reading books centering on this topic, but some stories just beg to be read and discussed. This is one of them. Beautifully written and even insightful, I found myself drawn in. I did not like the men in Annie’s life, Malcolm and Patrick. Malcolm is her married boss and she comes to know Patrick through him. I found Malcolm to be presumptuous and I wondered why she wouldn’t just disassociate herself from him. Patrick needed a lot of growing up to do. Relationships can be messy and make people crazy even, and that is what you see here. The theme of forgiveness is woven throughout the story and as I read, I couldn’t help but think that Annie’s husband Jonathan should not forgive her infidelity and lies. I really felt like she took it too far. Although you only know Annie’s story, not much of Jonathan’s. It has been a while since an author has blind sighted me. I was stunned at the events unfolding and I read wide eyed and riveted during certain parts. Although the twists and turns made sense, I did not see them coming. A Small Indiscretion is a beautifully written piece of fiction that left me feeling pensive and even a bit drained after I turned the final page. Disclaimer: This review is my honest opinion. I did not receive any kind of compensation for reading and reviewing this book. I am under no obligation to write a positive review. I received a free review copy of A Small Indiscretion via Library Thing.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Characters and writing style make this book quirky and involves the reader
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This was a good story that had many plot twists and turns.
SaguaroJK More than 1 year ago
Ah, don't we all have small indiscretions in our lives. I don’t read a lot of fiction novels, so this was a real gift. I love the way the author draws words into such deep and meaningful or beautiful ways. I was really surprised by the turn of evens, but felt somehow there was goodness at the end -- just couldn't figure out how that would be. A great book -- can't believe it's Jan's first novel. Would read it again.
ballb8 More than 1 year ago
This book takes several twists and turns that keep it interesting and fun to read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book....I'm still thinking about it's twists. The main character, Annie, goes to Europe and decides to stay. This could've been the book right there for me! The timeline Ellison writes catches you offguard but once you trust the writer and go with it, it all makes sense soon enough. As Oprah says this is a guilty pleasure read and it's also written beautifully with wit and honesty. Can't wait for Jan Ellison's 2nd book.
JenW1 More than 1 year ago
Beautifully written, a gripping novel. I could not put it down until I finished it. A must read for 2015!