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Aging Disgracefully

Greenleaf Book Group Press

My Free Fall Ends

My free fall, and the madness, stopped on my fiftieth birthday. Not because I had found wisdom or had realized the damage I was doing to myself and others, but because I found myself in an ambulance.

I had gone into the gym an hour before, determined to prove myself still capable of a killer leg workout, and while I didn't buy into what I had been hearing all week from my friends and coworkers, "Fifty is the new forty; who looks like you at fifty?" (Where does that delusional thinking lead? "Sixty is the new fifty?" "Fat is the new skinny?" How long before we arrive at "Dead is the new alive?"), I did think I still had the ability to move some heavy iron. So I loaded up the leg press sled with seven 45-pound plates on each side. The leg press is how old men do squats.

"... EMT Unit 137 en route, patient stable, vitals strong, request support on arrival, we got spinal issues, not good ..."

"Uh, I'm still awake here, guys, let's work on the bedside manner."

A fiftieth birthday is tough for anyone. Add on the fact that I was born on Valentine's Day — a day guaranteed to elicit awws from clerks verifying your credit card and TSA agents checking your driver's license — and it gets even tougher. Throw in being born on Valentine's Day when you are divorced and live alone and, well, you go to the gym to stop thinking about it.

There are two hooks at the bottom of the leg press sled. When you have completed your reps, you slide the hooks under the weight, and the weight is suspended until your next set. I finished my tenth rep, my quads spent. When I went to hook the weight, the entire hooking mechanism fell off the sled poles. I probably should have yelled, but my old nemesis and guidance counselor — shame — kicked in, and I said nothing as the 630 pounds of weight, obeying gravity, began to slide down toward my face. My knees were being pressed against my chest. With no hooks to stop it, I realized, the slide wouldn't finish until it made its way down the machine's track, leaving my legs behind my face in a porn position I had previously viewed but never experienced. Near the very end of the ride, I heard a surprisingly loud crack near the base of my spine.

They tell you, in moments like this, that things seem to slow down. Flashes of your past are supposed to come back to you. I always thought this was a convenient plot device for filmmakers with a smoke machine and a paucity of imagination. But damn, I can confirm that between the time it took for some guys who heard me scream to get the weight off me, and the time I was lying in the ambulance bed with a searing, burning pain, I did seem to have forever to think about my two years of free fall. How I had lost, in order, my mother; my wife; my home; my cats; nearly all my friends; the trust and affection of nearly everyone I worked with; and now, apparently, at a time when I was utterly alone, my ability to walk.

I probably should have thought this was Karma. That would have been rational, and I could have made a case for deserving it. But that's not me. One of the ways I make a ridiculously great living is being a motivational speaker. And on the way to the hospital, I was already thinking I could now justify buying a Segway. I could whirr around the stage and use my free hand to click the PowerPoints that would document my amazing battle and recovery. (How I would get the Segway on and off airplanes never occurred to me. I was spitballing.)

Even better, I could finally end the drama. I had blown up my life over the past two years. Complete carnage. But this would bring it to a close. I couldn't stop the free fall through choice, so it had been stopped for me, by a free-falling weight. And then I felt so damn grateful I was almost giddy! Because now I would have time to write my book! I had done a series of successful seminars for consulting clients on aging gracefully. At fifty, I had eight percent body fat — the physique of an amateur bodybuilder. I had made a name for myself onstage for a sort of boundless and contagious energy, and I looked much younger than I was. I was a wealthy entrepreneur who owned one of the nation's largest headhunting firms, and I was in constant demand as a speaker. So my seminar on aging gracefully was always well received and always followed by email testimonials thanking me for the inspirational example: for being the "real deal" and "walking the walk." I was qualified to turn my seminar into a book, right?

Absolutely not. As you will see, I was a complete impostor.

But I didn't know this as I was wheeled into the ER. I only knew that whatever it was that drove me out of the poverty of my childhood, whatever force drove me to work eleven-hour days as a cold-calling salesperson until I had mastered the craft and started making huge commissions; whatever demon insisted I buy a company I couldn't afford and build it into a multimillion-dollar success; whatever essence within me made me eschew days off, and vacations, and starting a family in order to write and sell plays that were produced off-Broadway and to start a speaking business when I was a decade younger than my youngest competitor — that part wasn't false, and it hadn't left me. I had an irrepressible sense that my story was not over and more good was coming if I would only recognize the opportunity. This injury, this free fall of madness, it was all good!

* * *

They asked me three times who they could contact in case of emergency. Each time I said there was no one. The exasperated woman, just trying to follow procedure, said, "There must be somebody you would want us to contact in case something happens." But there wasn't. I had seen to that.

And then someone's phone buzzed. It seemed completely normal, even in an ambulance, for all of us to check our phones, and I wouldn't have been insulted if they stopped monitoring my vitals to read a text. It was certainly how I lived. But it was my phone, and it was Kelsey. No one is networked like Kelsey.

Oh. My. God. I heard you left the gym in an ambulance! Are you OK? Where are they taking you?!

Texting seems to have revived religion, and young women especially seem to praise Him with every communiqué. I love words and found Kelsey was a rich source of new language, and I copied her phrases, often unintentionally, in my seminars. It made me cooler; my material seemed more relevant. I wasn't going to respond. I had found that strength. We were done. And she must have sensed it.

Danny, please don't punish me. You were there for me. You saved my life for Chrissake. Please let me take care of you now. Please.

For the first time in two years, her pleas didn't work. My free fall of madness had ended. I had a book to write.

Willpower

I go around the country and listen to salespeople say cold calls are scary. Why, I ask, what can they do to you? And I tell them about willpower, about the secret I learned when I was twelve. This was the 70s, when kids sat on street corners instead of playing video games. I was with my crew and, while few people in this audience will remember, there was a catchphrase going around the country. You would hear it on TV sitcoms and in commercials and all day long at school: "Oh, bite me." Being kids, we sharpened "Bite me" into a more sexually charged "Eat me," and in my neighborhood, some genius turned it into this: "Eat me, I'm a cookie." It became ubiquitous and, as such, annoying.

So, one night we're hanging out on the steps of North School, and as the cars slow down to make the gradual turn on Route 4 to Goshen, I decide it would be hilarious to yell, "Eat me, I'm a cookie" at the cars as they pass. It was summer, and they could hear us. That was kind of the point. It was fraught with a low-grade kind of danger. A blast. A Camaro that today would be called "tricked out" but then was deemed "souped up," with jacked-up shiny wheels and racing stripes, sped by, and I had to yell "Eat me, I'm a cookie" extra loud to be heard over the blasting FM converter box. But he must have heard me because he brought the car to a screeching halt. And out stepped a greaser. An Elvis leftover. About nineteen. Leather jacket, slicked back hair, big "shit kicker" boots. In the early 70s, there were a lot of these: tough guys who wouldn't buy into long hair and the drug culture. He walked up to us, and my friend Kenny said we should run. But there really wasn't time. I could feel my hero complex kick in. I had to save my friends. "Who yelled that?" he asked. I told him I did, and I added that in case he didn't hear me with his Roy Orbison tunes on, "I said, 'Eat me, I'm a cookie.'" Now at twelve, I was a husky, athletic kid. I had been in fights, but they were minor and consisted of pushing and taunting more than punching. So it was a shock when he grabbed me by my tee shirt, lifted me up, and punched me in the face. He told me to take it back, and I said, "Eat me, I'm a cookie." My friends gasped, and he punched me again, square in the mouth, and as my lips split, blood started running down my chin.

"Just take it back and I won't hurt you," he almost pleaded, and I repeated my clever aphorism. Now, embarrassed that he couldn't shut me up, he cocked his arm behind his head, resembling a quarterback throwing a deep route, and he punched me as hard as he could. I heard a crunching sound in my mouth, and I realized I was spitting out teeth as I repeated the phrase. By this time, my friends were scared, and they told him to leave me alone. He sat on my chest, and I was getting dizzy when he said, "Jesus, kid, just take it back."

And that's when I saw it. He was afraid. He was old enough to know that he was now in really big trouble and that this whole episode was officially not worth it. He didn't want the humiliation of not being able to shut me up, and he didn't want the cops knocking on his door. He was trapped. I had the power! I was in charge! In that moment, as ridiculous as it seems now to me, I was more than willing to die before I would relinquish that power. People without willpower are helpless before people who have it.

I spit once to clear my mouth and throat. Blood and chunks of lip and teeth flew out. "Oh, I just thought of something. What was it? Oh yes, I remember. EAT ME, I'M A COOKIE." I stared at him. I tried to smile with whatever mouth I had left.

He got up. He was shaking. "Your friend is nuts," he said, and he walked, a bit too fast, to his Camaro and took off. Word got around at school. No one ever picked a fight with me again until I left for college, where word of this legendary incident hadn't reached. In college, I got my smart ass pummeled.

If you have the willpower, folks, even though you are the one making the cold calls, you are in control. Others are afraid of you. Your bosses tell you it's a numbers game. And it is, but it is also a game of willpower.

From Danny's "Overcoming Cold-Call Reluctance" Seminar

* * *

"For the guy lying down, how about some layman's terms?"

"... I said the CT scan and the spinal X-ray show a compression fracture. That's fine; that heals, no surgery for that. But we throw in twenty years of soft-tissue issues that you never addressed; your IT band, which is like granite; maybe some arthritis; and your psoas muscles ... uh, those are your abdominals that were doing the work for your whole back ... they gave out. Collapsed actually."

"See, all I heard just now is that I have great abs. Fantastic."

"... if you give me eight weeks of nothing, no going to the office, no seminars or travel, followed by a few months of physical therapy, then maybe, maybe a year from now, you'll recover some or even most of your functionality. Screw with it, and this could become intractable."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning this is your life. From now on."

A nurse came in to ask for permission to give the agitated guy two rooms down some drug that would give us all a little peace and quiet, and I looked at my phone. Kelsey has no impulse control. She sends first and asks for forgiveness later.

Fine. Fuck you. I never loved you and neither did Sydney. Whatever happened to you, I hope it fucking hurts for a long time.

The doctor sat down on my bed and folded his hands. Here comes his big close.

"Look, I spend all day every day trying to get people to summon the willpower to move. To fight the atrophy, I need you to find the willpower to do nothing. And I'm getting the sense that doing that is going to be really hard for you."

Oh, Doc, please, I thought, you have no idea who you're dealing with. But, people-pleaser to the end, I gave him the solemn nod he needed.

Yeah, Doc, I know a little about willpower. The green light pulsed on my phone. Kelsey was the most talented employee I'd ever had. But the willpower piece? Not so much.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. You know that.

I love you and Dez loves you. But OMG, you are the most stubborn and willful man in the world.

Recognizing Patterns

... Look at this resume. This guy has been a quality control engineer for Associated Spring in Bristol for twenty-two years. He is responding to your posting for a quality manager in San Fran. Is he qualified? Sure! Did he say in his cover email he has no problem relocating? You bet! Would I send him? No freaking way! Let's look at his patterns. He was born in Bristol. He lives there now. With his wife, who he met in high school. Their whole family is there. His daughter is sixteen, a cheerleader no less! His wife works part-time. In Bristol. He is in the Rotary Club, referees basketball, and is on the town zoning commission. I'm sure he went to San Fran for a convention years ago and thought "Crooked Street" was cool and cable cars were quaint, but I promise you one true thing about this candidate that even he doesn't realize: He will die in Bristol ...

Harsh, right? Judgmental? That's your job. My job is to keep you from taking years to learn this about people. They don't change. They establish patterns, and they keep to them. Oh, sure they consider change, they talk to therapists about how healthy change would be, they buy self-help books and watch TED talks that tout the benefits of change, and they go out on interviews for new jobs and flirt withchange. But then the offer comes; and they get petrified; and they make an excuse to not change; and they turn down the offer, waste your time, and stay right where they are. And next year they'll get sick of themselves and call you again and say they're ready. This time they mean it. But they're not, and they don't.

Now, thank God some do change jobs, or headhunters like us would starve. Some are brave, but most — let's be real — don't change jobs until they are about to lose the one they have. Amateurs waste time trying to change patterns. Pros know that when it is all said and done, odds are people will revert to their already established patterns.

From Danny's "Headhunting Rookie Retreat" 2-Day Workshop

* * *

One of the chief hypocrisies of my life is that I became wealthy by placing people in jobs, at being an expert in what people fear and desire when they change jobs, but I've never changed jobs — not even once. I started at the headhunting firm, Hobson Associates, right after college and never left. I never even needed or had a resume. I have no idea what people really feel when they look for a job. When Sydney and I first met and fell in love, she found this story charming and inspiring. Less than a decade later, she would be banishing me from our house with the stinging words, "... You are nothing but biceps, a Benz, and an acute sense of irony."

And so, when the car service dropped me off at my condo with my crutches, ice bags, and bottles of Vicodin and Flexeril, it was, of course, ironic that there were only two positions that relieved the pressure and pain in my back: lying flat on a hard surface, and kneeling down. Prayer position. With my master's in literature and all my theatre experience, it never occurred to me that things that were trite were only trite because they kept happening to people.

So, if I have to kneel on my ottoman while writing or eating for the next few weeks, I can deal with both the irony and the ignominy. If — as I found — it was easier to crawl to the fridge and eat whatever was on the lowest shelf than it was to try to stand, then fine. I got this. If sleeping on the hardwood floor was the only position that didn't induce spasms, I was cool with that. I had come to associate short-term pain and sacrifice with success. Being in pain made me hopeful that a worthwhile prize awaited me. It was how I had lived; it was a pattern I had come to rely on and trust. Patterns were safe. I made a lot of money recognizing and respecting patterns in others.

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Excerpted from Aging Disgracefully by Danny Cahill. Copyright © 2016 Danny Cahill. Excerpted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press.
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