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Overview
The US wedding industry is estimated to be worth $53 billion. But the one thing they aren’t selling is the secrets to a successful marriage. Many couples enter into holy matrimony without the knowledge of how to create and sustain a strong bond. Before the Ring offers insights and wisdom to help readers prepare their hearts for a long-lasting, healthy marriage. Thought-provoking questions and practical advice will guide their conversations to set the groundwork—before they say “I do.”
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781627079266 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Our Daily Bread Publishing |
| Publication date: | 02/15/2019 |
| Edition description: | Revised |
| Pages: | 168 |
| Sales rank: | 544,352 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.30(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.50(d) |
| Age Range: | 18 Years |
About the Author
William L. Coleman was a well-known author of books for children and adults. He and his wife, Patricia, had three children and five grandchildren and lived in Nebraska. He passed away in 2015.
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Why So Many Questions?
If you were planning a two-week trip through the Rocky Mountains, you would ask hundreds of questions. What's the best way to get there? What will the weather be like? What clothes should I take? How much will it cost? Where will I stay? How many places will I be able to visit along the way?
When you are contemplating a trip that is to last the rest of your life, how foolish not to ask just as many or more questions before starting out.
Before you head off on vacation, you will want to ask questions about your car to make sure it is in good repair. Do the tires have plenty of tread, or are they bald and about to blow out? Has the engine been serviced regularly, or does it take a quart of oil a week to keep it running? Are the brakes in good shape, or do they squeal every time you touch them?
Even though the car runs well around town, you know that's no guarantee it will withstand mile after mile of mountainous driving. You have confidence in the car for small jaunts, but you have sense enough to know it needs extra attention before taking it on a long trip.
If you find some small defects, you can have them fixed before you hit the road. If you find major problems, you might want to find another vehicle to make the trip.
Asking questions about your car doesn't mean it's ready for the junk heap; it just means you want it in the best condition possible for the dangerous roads ahead. And asking questions about your relationship doesn't indicate you've given up on it; it just means you want to make sure it's not going to break down when you have to go through rough times.
The difficult thing about assessing a relationship is knowing which questions to ask and how to evaluate the answers.
* "I knew Andy had a bad temper, but I figured he would settle down," Judy explained. "I had no idea it would turn to this. It's gotten so bad I'm afraid to talk to him."
The sad thing is that everyone knew but Judy. Her friends, her parents, and her minister all had serious questions about Andy's anger, but no one wanted to interfere. Judy may have saved herself some serious grief if she had known what to ask.
* "I wanted her body more than anything else in the world," said Chuck. "When you're eighteen, you just sorta go nuts. I never even thought about things like goals or honesty or any of that stuff. I wanted to get married and go to bed. A lotta guys are like that."
And many of those who married the wrong person passed up a few "right" ones along the way simply because they failed to collect appropriate information.
* "I should have married Jason," Amy said after her first marriage failed, "but like a dope I didn't know what love was. I pushed him away because he seemed too good."
A CHECKLIST
Everyone needs a checklist of values and character traits that he or she considers important when considering a marriage partner. Those who are Christians are concerned about putting their faith to work in selecting a mate, and the Bible lists certain traits that are essential elements of love. Among them are patience, kindness, trust, hope, perseverance, the absence of pride, boasting, and anger.
If neatness is a minor virtue to you, leave it off your list. If ambition is only a side issue, don't bring it up. But to ignore thinking about those values is to make no decision at all.
The best way to be sure of making a wise decision is to put your concerns into questions and discuss them fully. No list of values or set of questions, regardless of how thorough, will guarantee a perfect marital journey, but they will certainly make it more likely.
NOT EQUAL QUESTIONS
This book suggests some questions to ponder. Years of observation and experience have shown me what issues young couples stumble over most often.
Not all questions are of equal importance. Some aren't important at all. You might not care whether your spouse is a Republican or a Democrat, but a Libertarian could be another matter.
That's for you to decide.
Will socks on the floor drive you bonkers? How about lying? Can you tolerate someone who buries money in a coffee can in the backyard or one who spends it like confetti? Can you have a deep, enduring relationship with someone who considers Christ more like a wall plaque than a vital part of life?
You must determine the priority of your questions. They have to be your concerns and not the idle wondering of a third party. Just remember, a marriage that violates your values is headed for trouble.
NOT PASS/FAIL
The goal of asking these questions is not to see if you both pass the test. Your first and major purpose is to improve your relationship by discussing what is important to both of you. Tell each other what drives you up a wall, and be honest enough to acknowledge potential trouble spots.
Practice the art of healthy dialogue before marriage and you will find it easier to do so on the other side of the altar. Openness, disclosure, and sharing are difficult for some, so you need to learn to express yourselves as early as possible.
TIMING
The most important time to raise these issues is now. Don't wait until after you are engaged or married to discover that something is unsolvable.
There is little likelihood that you will change much after you marry. Meaningful adjustments are more apt to occur while you are still trying to win and impress each other. If they don't, watch out.
If you could start your marriage with five dollars for every heartbroken, tear-drained young person who has said, "Well, we just never talked about that before we got married," you could live comfortably without ever having to work.
THE FUN OF DISCOVERY
There is no reason to fear getting to know someone better. Every person is worth knowing, and many are terrific people filled with great character and amazing strength. Your initial positive instincts are usually verified when you get to know a person better.
Likewise, you have little to fear by allowing yourself to be known, by letting out your real feelings. Most of us are treasure chests with more jewels inside than we realize.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. — Proverbs 31:10–11
Everyone wants to marry someone who looks good. That is the major interest of most young couples. But beneath appearance must be character that won't fall apart under every little pressure.
The point of meaningful questions is to test the strength of that character.
Certainly it's possible you will conclude that Handsome Hank is really Hank the Horrible. But if so, better now than after signing a marriage license.
Enjoy getting to know each other.
Getting to Know You
1. What questions could Judy have asked to find out the seriousness of Andy's temper problem?
2. What questions could Chuck have asked to determine whether love or lust was his motive for marriage?
3. What questions could Amy have asked to learn whether Jason's good nature was indeed too good to be true?
4. Read 1 Corinthians 13 and list the qualities that make up love.
List any others that are important to you (for example, neat, hardworking, smart, creative).
5. What questions can you ask to determine whether your relationship has the qualities that will enable it to survive the long journey of marriage?
CHAPTER 2So What's the Hurry?
How do you know when infatuation is growing into love? How can you tell if the early excitement you feel will develop into caring? One of the sure signs of love is an increasing patience with each other.
Patience isn't one of the characteristics we ordinarily think of when we discuss young love. Phrases like impetuous, can't wait, or love at first sight come to mind when we hear about a young couple considering marriage. It's almost as if there is a law that says true love is impatient.
Not so. Genuine love is characterized by patience.
If love is real, it has time to slow down and examine itself. Love takes time to ask what is best for each person involved, not just today but in the future as well. If you are in too much of a hurry, what you feel is probably another four-letter word that begins with L: lust. A relationship fueled by lust will last about as long as a piece of dynamite with a lit fuse.
Love is patient. — 1 Corinthians 13:4
Patience is one of the primary evidences we have that, given the right fuel, a relationship can last a long time.
Before you consider engagement, determine whether either of you has a problem with impatience and consider where that problem will lead you — one, two, or five years from now. The lack of patience is evidenced by the following:
• One pushes to do things the other doesn't want to do.
• One is accelerating the physical relationship faster than the other is comfortable with.
• One demands the other make decisions immediately.
• One establishes the timetable, and the other must follow.
• One is under pressure a great deal of the time.
• One wants the relationship to be "more spontaneous."
• One is expected to be available whenever the other calls.
How many of those seven traits are true in your relationship? What percentage of the time are they true? Let's consider the subject from another angle. Check this list to see how patient your partner is.
• Does your sweetheart remain unperturbed when you want to spend the evening alone or with other friends?
• Does he or she tell you to take your time making up your mind?
• Does your dearest say, "We won't do anything about this until you are ready"?
• Is she or he willing to delay marriage until you receive the approval of family?
• Does he or she usually give you ample warning before you go someplace together?
These signs of thoughtfulness indicate that you are dealing with a patient person.
IMMEDIATE SATISFACTION VERSUS LONG-RANGE SATISFACTION
Before sealing your pledge with an engagement ring, ask if you are sacrificing the future in your haste to grab the present moment. Many couples who enjoy a great first six months of marriage spend the next six years in agony.
The Bible shares some excellent wisdom:
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. — Ecclesiastes 7:8
A relationship that will improve over time must have a solid foundation from the beginning.
Some people excel at dating and superficial relationships.
They enjoy partying, socializing, flirting, giving presents, making small talk, and joking around.
The same people may have serious trouble handling conflict and may run from situations that require honest reflection and interaction.
Impatient people grab good daters and head for the altar. They believe the proverb that says "He who hesitates is lost." When they find people they like, they don't want to risk losing them. This is not a good proverb to follow when considering marriage. A better one is "Patience is the key of joy, but haste is the key of sorrow." Marriages that begin with fireworks may end up as scattered ashes.
If you've ever tried to build a campfire, you know the importance of using seasoned wood. Green wood (or recently cut wood) does not burn well. It makes a lot of smoke but never a roaring fire. Seasoned wood, on the other hand, gives warmth.
The same is true of relationships. A green relationship does not burn well because it hasn't been seasoned. Only time and experience can season a relationship.
How much time does it take to establish a good relationship? Who can say? Only the people involved can know. No one can tell you how long it takes to get to know each other.
PATIENCE AND THE QUALITY OF A RELATIONSHIP
Patience involves far more than waiting to set the wedding date. Over the years, patience will have a great deal to do with the fiber of your relationship.
* "When Don wants an answer, he wants it right now," Gail grumbled. "He may have thought about his plan for days, certainly for hours, but when he pops it on me, I have ten minutes to make up my mind. And I had better agree with his plan, I can tell you that."
People who are impatient create panic in the people around them. They're like a fire alarm. When they have the spark of an idea, their sirens blare, urgently insisting that everyone move immediately.
Urgent personalities keep everyone in an uproar. They are difficult people to live with because they expect everyone else to share their concept of time. They do not allow others the privilege of thinking things over.
Patient people are less likely to cause panic. They smooth troubled waters by respecting the people they love.
The Scriptures say, "the one who is patient calms a quarrel" (Proverbs 15:18).
A PATIENT PERSON ENCOURAGES OTHERS TO GROW
Good life partners make their spouses part of the program. They don't callously dump their own personal goals on others.
Patient people take time to plan their vacations together. They encourage each other to think things over and to contribute personal feelings, hopes, and convictions to the discussion. Impatient partners steamroll their mates.
Impatience creates anger, resentment, and bitterness. You can count on it. Impatience is a form of contempt, and eventually the beleaguered partner perceives it as exactly that.
* "If Rod had let me learn to fish at my own speed," Ellie said with frustration, "I would probably still be going to the lake with him. But he wanted me to do everything right now and do it correctly. I baited the hook wrong. I held the line too tight. When I didn't catch anything, he made fun of me. So I don't go anymore."
PATIENT WITH SELF
While you are getting to know each other, make a few mental notes about how you each treat yourselves. Are you both patient, or do you mercilessly berate yourselves when you make a mistake?
People who have no patience with themselves probably lack patience with others. And if they demand perfection from themselves, they will expect it from their mates and offspring. This can cause tremendous grief.
PATIENCE AND THE SPIRIT
Patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22), and the good news is that God will help us gain patience if we want it.
When we allow Jesus Christ to control us, He dramatically alters our values. Incidents that formerly caused us to fly off the handle no longer get such explosive reactions. God helps us appreciate what is really important in life and in relationships.
Don't sit around and think about patience. Discuss it. Explain to each other what makes you impatient and ask for help to improve. Encourage each other to share experiences. Of what are you most tolerant, and what makes you edgy and nervous? How can you help each other?
Patience isn't like height — something you either have or don't have. You can learn patience, improve it as a skill, and create a stronger relationship.
Getting to Know You
1. How would you describe your level of patience?
2. How would you describe the patience of the person you care about?
3. How can you begin to change if necessary?
4. What can you do to help yourself concentrate more on longrange satisfaction and less on immediate gratification?
CHAPTER 3Opening Up the Treasure Chest
You've become special friends. You like what you see, enjoy what you know. You are eager to explore each other's treasure chest of character and find out more. But how can you each get the other to unlock the box and reveal what's inside?
This isn't easy. If one of you starts digging for what's at the bottom instead of first examining items on top, the other might slam the lid. If one gets too nosy, the other might crawl into the box, close the lid, and keep the key! You need to find loving ways to allow each other the freedom to express thoughts, feelings, and convictions in a comfortable setting.
SOUL CONTACT
The word intimacy often serves as a euphemism for sexual intercourse. More accurately, however, it means "soul contact." It is communication at the deepest level. Intimacy not only strengthens a relationship, it also dramatically strengthens individual lives; it reduces loneliness, self-centeredness, and feelings of false guilt; it increases ability to trust, sense of worth, and feelings of saneness. It helps us accept the forgiveness of Christ.
KNOWING IT ALL
* All of us know people who never have a private thought. Terry was one of those people. Friends frequently heard him say, "I say what I think. I don't like to be around people who don't say what they think."
Terry took this view of life a step farther. He demanded that people close to him reveal everything on their minds. Whenever his girlfriend wanted to keep her thoughts to herself or simply think something over for a while, Terry interrogated her like an ancient inquisitor. To protect herself she gradually said less and less, and her reserve grew deeper and deeper.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Before the Ring"
by .
Copyright © 2004 William L. Coleman.
Excerpted by permission of Discovery House.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Preface, 7,
1. Why So Many Questions?, 9,
2. So What's the Hurry?, 15,
3. Opening Up the Treasure Chest, 21,
4. No More Silly Games, 25,
5. Beware of Pumpkin Shells, 29,
6. Going with a Perfectionist, 35,
7. Someone to Lean On, 43,
8. Life in the Gender Blender, 49,
9. Dreams, Desires, Goals, Ambitions, 59,
10. Love on the Rebound, 67,
11. Quick to Forgive, 73,
12. Guidelines for Sex, 79,
13. One in the Spirit, 87,
14. Maturity Makes a Difference, 95,
15. Cash, Credit Cards, Collateral, 103,
16. The Volcano Watch, 111,
17. Who Serves Whom?, 117,
18. Laughing Together, 125,
19. Lend Me an Ear, 133,
20. Respect for Time and Space, 143,
21. Getting Married — Again, 149,
22. Faithful and Committed, 157,
Notes, 163,
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