Being the Grownup: Love, Limits, and the Natural Authority of Parenthood

by Adelia Moore

Overview

Children need adults to survive. This, despite the profound change our digital era has wrought on family life, remains the essence of parenthood. Being the Grownup: The Natural Authority of Parenthood begins not with what should be, but with what is: If you are a parent, it is your job to provide shelter and safety, to make decisions about education, childcare, health and nourishment, to create the habitat that is the context and crucible of family life. Being the Grownup helps parents translate their determination to care for and protect their children into the clarity they need to communicate authority with a firm confidence, whether for bedtime, screen-time or mealtime. Just as she would in a clinical conversation, the author shifts the focus away from disciplinary strategies and back to the core of parenthood, the relationship between parents and children as it evolves, moment-to-moment, from the dependence of infancy to the autonomy of young adulthood.

There are a host of reasons that contemporary parents might feel uneasy about embracing their natural authority. There have always been parents who doubted themselves, often blaming their children, who may seem determined to challenge every limit. If authority is natural, why is that so? Looking for the answer in the characteristics of developmental stages or parenting strategies often leaves parents frustrated, because being a parent is not something you do to a child but something you are with a child. Parental authority is not simply a matter of discipline with time-outs, or even skilled negotiation and conflict resolution. Parent and child are two human beings whose bodies and voices, experiences, perspectives and emotions shape their interactions with each other. Like everything else about relationships, it’s complicated.

Being the Grownup zeroes in on the core challenge for every parent, the hard work of building a relationship that combines trust and connection with confident authority children can feel and rely on. Relationships take time, and so does learning about relationships. Readers will not find bullet points or formulas. Instead, to more fully understand what happens moment to moment between parents and children, and what patterns between them may strengthen or undermine parents’ authority, my readers will find moments in the parent-child relationship examined from a variety of angles. Each chapter delves deep into a topic, including attachment, temperament, family systems theory and body language, making connections from theory and research to everyday family life.

No one book can tell you what to do in every situation with every child. There are simply too many variables. That's why it's important to know more about what to think about parenthood and the relationship you have with each of your children: Being the Grownup helps you do that.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780984856060
Publisher:	Adelia Moore
Publication date:	06/10/2019
Pages:	322
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.72(d)

About the Author

Adelia Moore, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in New York City specializing in therapy with couples, parents of children of all ages, and families. She also works with young adults still working out relationships with their parents. Moore received her BA in English from Harvard, a master's degree in Child Development from the University of Pittsburgh, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Cincinnati. Moore has worked in diverse settings including a community health center, a homeless shelter, a children's hospital in Newington, CT, and private practice. She was an adjunct professor of psychology at Trinity College, Hartford, CT, St. Joseph's University, West Hartford, CT, and New York University. Moore's essays have appeared in the Christian Science Monitor and HuffPost. She has four grown sons and five grandchildren. She lives in Manhattan and Upstate New York with her husband. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and at Adeliamoore.com

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Introduction: Before We Begin

Chapter One Love and Limits: What is Natural Authority?

Chapter Two You Are the Big Object: Relationship, Security and Connection

Chapter Three Habitat: How You Live

Chapter Four What Matters? Gaining Clarity About Your Values and Beliefs

Chapter Five A Web of Authority: Interdependent Relationships

Chapter Six Who Are You? Self, Emotion and Authority

Chapter Seven Particular Selves: Everyone is a Little Bit Different

Chapter Eight Being Together: The Rhythms of Everyday Life

Chapter Nine Human Thermostats: One Body Regulates the Other

Chapter Ten Moments of Authority: Where You Are and What You Say

Chapter Eleven Wet Towels: Being the Grownup

Endnotes

References

Editorial Reviews

Adelia Moore, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in New York City specializing in therapy with couples, parents of children of all ages, and families. She also works with young adults still working out relationships with their parents. Moore received her BA in English from Harvard, a master's degree in Child Development from the University of Pittsburgh, and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Cincinnati. Moore has worked in diverse settings including a community health center, a homeless shelter, a children's hospital in Newington, CT, and private practice. She was an adjunct professor of psychology at Trinity College, Hartford, CT, St. Joseph's University, West Hartford, CT, and New York University. Moore's essays have appeared in the Christian Science Monitor and HuffPost. She has four grown sons and five grandchildren. She lives in Manhattan and Upstate New York with her husband. Look for her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and at Adeliamoore.com

From the Publisher

2019-04-25
A debut guide offers a wide-ranging philosophy of responsible and balanced parenting.

Moore's book takes on a topic that's much in the news in the modern era of helicopter and lawn-mower guardians: the nature, limits, and origins of the parenting bond. Like many people who watch the news (or observe modern adults), she's familiar with the ways that parenting in the 21st century often devolves into a harried series of negotiations, with many well-meaning mothers and fathers lamenting that "I don't want to impose rules, just guidelines." These parents are facing more challenges than ever before, including the need to oversee the screen time that has become such an inevitable part of everyone's lives. The bulk of the author's manual is a passionate, empathetic reminder to parents that their power isn't derived from mediations with their charges. Rather, it comes from what the author refers to as "the natural authority of parenthood," which springs from adults' responsibility for their children and does not depend on particular strategies. Instead, it's a functioning relationship in which parents make consistent demands and set firm limits. The book's gambit extends across the whole spectrum of parenting concerns, including "food, friends, or the Web," and pays attention to the broader cultural forces that have always been a part of the job. "Culture," Moore writes, "can be as big as a nationality and as small as a family, with lots of layers in between." But for all of its topical comprehensiveness, the book never strays far from its central tenet, which is the bedrock relationship between parent and child that morphs throughout its life span. "Many parents worry too much about doing the right thing at any given moment," the author writes, "but it is less that a particular moment makes the difference than that the accumulation of moments creates a set of expectations for each of you." Parents of all ages, especially new ones, should find Moore's easygoing wisdom invaluable.

A wonderfully insightful, back-to-basics approach to parenting.

Kirkus Reviews