Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays

Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays

by Cindy Chupack

Paperback(First Edition)

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Overview

Between Boyfriends Book: A Collection of Cautiously Hopeful Essays by Cindy Chupack

Cindy Chupack takes a hilarious look at love, dating-and not dating-in this witty, truthful and utterly charming book. Tackling topics such as "sexual sorbet" (the first man you sleep with after a breakup), "the VISA defense" (the claim, usually invoked by men, that 'I paid, therefore I am innocent') and "eggsistential crisis" (a panic attack, common among women in their late thirties), The Between Boyfriends Book is as reassuring as that late-night post-date phone call to a best friend. It says: you may be single, but you are not alone.

"Oh, how I love this book! I laughed out loud again and again. It hits such an intimate and true chord, it's painful actually, how insightful Cindy Chupack is. Every woman who's been through the dating miasma must read it."

- Julia Sweeney

"Cindy Chupack is funny about single. Very funny. And smart. And sympathetic. And empathetic. And helpful. And the stories in this book are really horrible in a great way."

- Delia Ephron

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780312309046
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 04/07/2004
Edition description: First Edition
Pages: 176
Sales rank: 554,213
Product dimensions: 5.17(w) x 8.55(h) x 0.49(d)

About the Author

Cindy Chupack is an award-winning writer who was most recently a writer/executive producer of HBO's Sex and the City. Chupack has written for a number of television shows, including Everybody Loves Raymond, and for several magazines, including Glamour, where she had her own column. She lives in New York City and Los Angeles.

Read an Excerpt

THE BREAKUP

ONE

LONE RANGERED

To have had a relationship end in a mysterious and annoying way—with no good-bye, no answers, just the vague feeling that you have no idea who that man was.

Men are good at a lot of things. Breaking up is not one of them. When a woman wants to break up with a man, she invites him over for dinner, cooks his favorite dish, and tells him she's seeing his best friend. It's all very straightforward and diplomatic. But men have this weird aversion to endings. They prefer to take the passive mode, allowing the relationship to end itself. Men can't be bothered with dramatic farewells, the questioning of motives, discussions. They are bored. They want out. Good-bye.

I remember the first time a boy broke up with me. We were in the seventh grade. He invited me over after school, said he just wanted to be friends, then had his mother drive me home. It was all downhill from there. In more recent years, a doorman informed me that my date was not coming down. Ever. A friend called her boyfriend and found out he had moved to a new city. A coworker happened upon a personal ad placed by the man she was dating.

Every woman, with the possible exception of Cindy Crawford, has a story like this. She may have dated the man a few weeks or a few years. They may have shared a cab or an apartment. It doesn't matter. For some reason, the man thinks that the decision to break up is none of her business. (Of course, some women do the same thing. But then again, some women mud wrestle.)

Often a woman senses a breakup brewing and tries to get the man to sit down and fess up. This is futile. The average male gets this beam-me-up-Scotty look on his face as soon as you mention the word &'grave;discussion.'' He avoids subsequent contact as if you were trying to serve him a subpoena. Then, when you finally work up the nerve to ask him what the heck is going on, he pretends you're imagining the whole thing. It's all part of the game, and evidently the winner is the one who can quit the game without ever talking about it.

Some men admit they avoid confrontation because they're afraid we'll cry. Of course we'll cry; we cry at Hallmark commercials. What they don't understand is that we're not crying because of them, we're crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. It's enough already.

It's a rare and brave man who breaks up in person. Most likely he has sisters and does volunteer work. He'll say things you've heard before: &'grave;I'm unable to make a commitment. I don't have time to be the kind of boyfriend you deserve.'' Then he'll add, &'grave;I hope we can eventually be friends. I'd really miss your company.'' It doesn't matter if he's lying, telling the truth, or quoting something he read in a woman's magazine. At least he's trying.

Most men, however, think that even making a phone call to end a relationship is excessive. &'grave;What's the point?'' they want to know. The humane thing, they've decided, is not to call, but instead to disappear like the Lone Ranger. These men believe in &'grave;Close your eyes and make it go away.'' They believe in the Fifth Amendment. They believe in absentee ballots. They may ski black diamonds, walk barefoot on hot asphalt, skydive for fun, but measured on their fear of confrontation, these guys are wimps.

They'll say they're going to the rest room and never return. Then they'll meet friends for drinks and say, &'grave;She just doesn't get it,'' or &'grave;What do I have to do, spell it out for her?'' It's not that we don't get it. After about three weeks of shampooing with the water offjust in case he callswe get the picture. But we'd like to feel like more than simply a notch in somebody's bedpost. Stranded without an explanation, we sound like the neighbors of a murderer. &'grave;He seemed nice. Kind of kept to himself. This came as a complete surprise.'' Underneath, of course, we know.

You can spot a woman whose relationship is disintegrating because her answering machine gives hourly updates of her whereabouts. &'grave;I'm at work now, but I'll be home by seven.'' &'grave;I'm at aerobics.'' &'grave;I'm in the shower.'' Meanwhile, his machine has the same message as always: &'grave;I'm not home. Later.''

So what happens is this: you refuse to bow out gracefully, and he refuses to confront. His only option is to make you so miserable that you break up with him. We're talking emotional terrorism. It's fun, easy, and gets results.

During this period he won't laugh at your jokes. He'll ask you out, then act like you're imposing. He'll shred what's left of your confidence by saying, &'grave;You're wearing that?'' He may even tell you he'd like to end the relationship, but continue sleeping with you. Then he'll act surprised when you bash in his headlights, stuff his favorite tie down the disposal, and ignite his baseball card collection.

So what's the right way for a man to break up? I suggest the following steps:

Step One: Choose a reason. Inevitably your girlfriend will ask why you're leaving, and you should be prepared to explain. If you know that your reason is petty and immature (I know a woman who broke up with a man because his nose looked like a penis), make up a nicer reason.

Step Two: Select a date that doesn't conflict with birthdays or major holidays. &'grave;I didn't plan to break up with her on Valentine's Day,'' a male friend once explained. &'grave;It just happened to coincide.''

Step Three: Talk to her. You're both adults. It might go surprisingly smoothly.

Step Four: Hide your baseball cards.

Copyright 2003 by Cindy Chupack

Table of Contents

A Brief Note from the Authorix
The breakup
1.Lone Rangered3
2.Sexual Sorbet7
3."Hey Baby" Weight9
4.Relationship Equivalency Exam17
The year ahead
5.Dating Horrorscopes23
6.The Rant27
7.Halloweenies29
8.The Mile High and Dry Club33
9.Season's Gripings37
Some things to talk about in therapy
10.Imposter Complex43
11.Your Number47
12.Carmunication51
13.Relationship Reruns57
14.Taffeta Envy61
Dating up a storm
15.Male Harems67
16.Getaway Bar73
17.Cupidity77
18.Seventeen Dates81
It's not us ... it's them
19.Last Call93
20.The Visa Defense95
21.Sloppy Joes97
22.Male Friend Moratorium99
23.Snooze-Lose Syndrome103
It's not us ... it's the city
24.Sports Dates109
25.Going Hollywood113
26.Relocationships117
27.The Real New York Marathon121
Okay, maybe some of it's us
28.Rock Bottom127
29.Dater's Remorse131
30.Do Not Resuscitate Romance (DNRR) Order135
31.The Frequent Crier Conundrum137
32.Eggsistential Crisis141
Your new boyfriend
33.Close-trophobia147
34.Retrodating149
35.Man-Me-Downs153
36.Premature "We" jaculation157
Acknowledgments161

Customer Reviews

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Between Boyfriends Book 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 14 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is filled with delightful wit and just downright real-life humor! I received this book from my sister for Christmas (2004) and I read the entire book, cover-to-cover all on Christmas Day. I couldn't put it down. I was also having troubles of the male nature and this clever collection cheered me up 100%. It is hilarious!! A definite must-read for any girl, single or attached. Thank you, Cindy Chupack!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is a must read for every woman, single or not. There is a lot of comedy, and some good advice for anyone who is single.
lyssrose on LibraryThing 10 days ago
While I personally don't have a ton of experience with this subject matter (these essays tend to be geared more toward the "Sex in the City" type crowd, which isn't surprising, since the author was a writer for that show), I did find the essays fun and funny in that "geez, maybe I didn't have it as bad as I thought!" kind of way.This was definately a quick read, with the majority of the essays consisting of only 2-3 pages. For the most part, it felt like reading a whole bunch of short newspaper or magazine columns, which for several of the essays is actually the case.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Probably the worst book I've ever read. Like in my life. It was an EXTREMELY dated collection of essays in an order that didn't flow and didn't capture my attention. Not humorous. Not relevant. I read through to the very end to see if I could find a single redeeming story in this collection but really could not even find anything I liked about the writing. Waste of money.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I really loved He's Just Not That Into You & Sex In The City. I wanted another book along those lines which brought me to this. I enjoyed it; it was a funny quick read
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
... and that's saying alot. As soon as I finished reading this book from the library, I went online and bought a copy for 6 of my friends and of course myself. I've read it twice and still laugh out loud when reading it. Even now between my friends (boyfriend-less or attached) we use phrases like 'Taffeta Envy', 'Your Number', 'Seventeen Dates', etc. If you love Sex and the City, you'll love this book even more. Definately worth buying several copies.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I couldn't put it down! It so nice to read a book that you could relate to :)
Guest More than 1 year ago
This was a quick read that would be perfect for anyone who has enjoyed the show Sex and the City. Or if you are single, looking, and often frustrated yet afflicted with hope. Chupack's insight and constant humor buoy this easy-to-like and hard to put down book.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Could it get any better although a short book I read it on a Saturday evening laugh out loud it made my no-date for the night better than having what would have been a bad one I have thrown it at all my single gal-pals and they say the same thing 'its nice to know were not alone.' CINDY CHUPACK ROCKS
Guest More than 1 year ago
every chapter is like an episode of sex and the city. ms. chupack is witty, intelligent, hopelessly hopeful and her writing is as absolutely hilarious as it is insightful.
Guest More than 1 year ago
A very fun, sometimes insightful, often witty and always entertaining read. I loved it.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book was so funny. I could relate to almost everything the author was saying. Cindy's style of writing & use of words made the book what it is a absolutly histerical reality of single women everywhere. I highly recommend this book to everyone....and pass it along to your friends.!!!