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Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse
208Overview
Weaving together her shocking story, stories of other women, and powerful stories of husbands who truly have demonstrated Christ’s love to their wives, with reflection on biblical, theological, historical, and contemporary issues surrounding domestic violence, she makes a compelling case for mutuality in marriage and helps women and men become more aware of potential dangers in a doctrine of male headship.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780310524984 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Zondervan |
| Publication date: | 03/01/2016 |
| Pages: | 208 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.70(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife
My Story of Finding Hope After Domestic Abuse
By Ruth A. Tucker
ZONDERVAN
Copyright © 2016 Ruth A. TuckerAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-52498-4
CHAPTER 1
moving beyond headship debates
Finding Common Ground in Storytelling
In all debates, let truth be thy aim, not victory, or an unjust interest.
WILLIAM PENN
I was wound up. An energizer bunny. Tingling with excitement — maybe even a tad nervous. It was seven o'clock on the night of October 25, 1995. The setting, Pierce Chapel at Wheaton College. As I looked out over the crowd, it appeared as though all nine hundred seats were filled — students standing up and down the outer aisles and in the rear, stretching as far as I could see into the vestibule. The event had been well publicized. Though not necessarily the mother of all debates or the debate of the decade, word had obviously gotten out. I was there to face off against Dr. John Piper. The plan was not for a formal debate. Rather, we were each given an allotted amount of time to speak to the question, Should marriage be based on a model of mutual submission and equality or on a model of male headship?
I look over the text of my address today, two decades later, and nod my head in agreement, while scolding myself here and there for using the passive voice or a weak verb. But the position I took then has changed very little. Yet I wonder about the value of such debates. Would it have been better if John and I had each sat down in an easy chair on that stage and told our stories, while at the same time speaking to biblical and theological issues? But that was not the format. If I were to debate today, I would say some of the same things but take a very different approach.
And today I would certainly hope that any thought of victory would be excised from my mind. It felt good when students cheered, but as I recall, most of the students seemed to have come with their minds already made up. The majority of those who supported mutuality in marriage no doubt thought I won the debate, and vice versa. When we contemplate Christian marriage today, the stakes are high. Little is accomplished by winning or losing in a public forum.
It was perhaps mere coincidence that John Piper and I each presented our positions in ten points, mine in the form of questions. My first eight questions briefly answered common misunderstandings related to mutual submission and headship in marriage. My ninth question asked if mutual submission is supported by Scripture. A quick word count of that twenty-year-old document shows that more than half of my entire presentation was a response to this single question. I began with Adam and Eve, skipped right ahead to Jesus, and then zeroed in on the apostle Paul.
Despite our ten-point similarity, John Piper and I approached the topic from very different angles. He did not go through various biblical passages to make his case, though had he been inclined, he was certainly capable of doing so. Rather, he approached the subject from the top down. I zeroed in on Scripture that dealt with women and men in marriage. His emphasis was on God's supremacy, as is indicated by selected sentences from his text:
My own personal mission statement is to spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things ... God does not like being taken for granted. The very reason for creation is God's going public for the glory of God ... God has designed human beings to magnify His glory ... Since my mission here is to spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all people, I commend to you this complementary view of marriage and family rather than an egalitarian one.
It may not be too simplistic to suggest that the differences he and I demonstrated in the Wheaton debate go to the very heart of the wider evangelical debate on women's equality in the church and in marriage. Of course, God is sovereign. That is a given for anyone who upholds historic orthodoxy. But is God's supremacy the starting point in dealing with gender roles, particularly the relationship between husband and wife?
That God's supremacy should be the foundation for a husband's role in marriage is not necessarily an obvious conclusion. There are certainly other biblical truths that seem far more appropriate, including the comforting passage in Hebrews 13 (quoting from Deuteronomy and Psalms) in which God says, "'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.'" Here is a passage that reflects on God and at the same time profoundly speaks to the mutuality between a husband and wife. The Lord is my "helper," as husbands and wives are helpers to each other.
It is true that the apostle Paul asserts that the husband is the "head" of the wife (Ephesians 5:23). This statement, however, is surely not a slam dunk for the claim of male privilege. The verdict is still out on the meaning of "head." Indeed, kephale, the Greek word translated "head," has been endlessly debated by biblical scholars. Our contemporary usage suggests the meaning is "ruler," but from the biblical context, the concept of "source" (an equally valid rendering of kephale) is actually more fitting. But however kephale is defined, when it is used for the husband, it is always in the context of Christ as head of the church. Indeed, this metaphor is an absolutely jaw-dropping concept.
We sometimes read right past these words from Paul's letter to the Ephesians: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Really? The standard is impossible. Christ gave himself up for the church by submitting to crucifixion. The husband's role is obviously to be read metaphorically. No husband is expected to die on a cross for his wife. Still, the benchmark is very high. The great eighteenth-century Methodist theologian John Fletcher clearly understood that. Late in life, he married Mary Bosanquet, a noted preacher in her own right. His words are instructive. Gathered with friends after the ceremony, he read from Ephesians 5: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church." His spontaneous comments are most revealing: "My God, what a task! Help me, my friends, by your prayers to fulfil it. As Christ loved the church! He laid aside his glory for her!"
When I think of a husband laying aside his glory for his wife, Robertson McQuilkin immediately comes to mind. Although the back cover of his book A Promise Kept identifies him first as a homemaker, most people know him as having served for more than two decades as the president of Columbia International University in Columbia, South Carolina. Much to the chagrin of the university's board of trustees, he quit at the height of his career to become a full-time homemaker. His wife, Muriel, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 1981. By 1990, her condition had deteriorated to the point that she was becoming agitated and fearful unless he was with her. He had not promised "till death do us part" to the university. To Muriel, however, he had. So he laid aside his glory as a university president to become a caregiver for Muriel.
Five years into his "retirement," he reflected on the course their lives had taken: "Seventeen summers ago, Muriel and I began our journey into the twilight. It's midnight now ... Yet, in her silent world, Muriel is so content, so lovable. If Jesus took her home, how I would miss her gentle, sweet presence."
That gentle presence, however, was at times interrupted by utter frustration. On one occasion before Muriel began wearing diapers, she had an accident in the bathroom and Robertson was trying to clean her up. She was pushing him away, clumsily trying to take care of herself. He told her to stop. She ignored him. In exasperation, he slapped the calf of her leg. "She was startled," he writes. "I was, too.
Never in our 44 years of marriage had I ever so much as touched her in anger ... But now, when she needed me most ..."
Now, when she needed me most ... The reader can almost hear the choke in his voice.
What an incredible illustration of Christ's love for the church — a husband's unconditional love for a wife. Of course, Paul goes on to speak directly to the wife (as we will later discuss).
How sad it is when a Christian man cannot say, "Never in our years of marriage had I ever so much as touched her in anger." What if, rather, the husband beats his wife in anger?
During the debate with John Piper, I addressed the matter of a wife submitting to her husband even if he physically abuses her. I told how Elisabeth Elliot had spoken to a large audience of women (primarily seminary wives) at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. After her talk, one of the wives asked, "Should a woman remain in a home where she is being physically abused by her husband?" In her remarks, Elliot pointed the audience to 1 Peter 2, which speaks of slaves being beaten. She then made reference to the next chapter: "In the same way, you women must accept the authority of your husbands." With that, she added a troubling comment: "I don't think that requires a woman necessarily to stay in a home where she is literally being physically beaten to death. But on the other hand, it might." Were there any young women in that packed room that evening who only heard the words "on the other hand, it might"?
After this illustration, my allotted time was up. In my closing remarks, I said, "Scripture and good judgment tell us that a pattern of mutual submission and equal partnership is the best way we can effectively serve the Lord in a marriage relationship."
I did not tell my listeners about the years of abuse I had endured and my own terrifying dread of being literally beaten to death. I was married to a Bible church minister. There were dozens of incidents I could have referred to. One in particular, however, might have caught their attention more than others as it related to my work as a professor. Since 1982, I had been flying from our home in Grand Rapids to Chicago's O'Hare Airport to teach at Trinity for two or three days each week for fall and spring quarters. The routine worked well. Our son was in middle school, active in sports, and managing to keep on top of his paper route.
There had been many violent instances throughout the nineteen years of our marriage. On numerous occasions, my ex-husband beat me or threw me against a desk or onto the floor — always behind closed doors and most often when our son was out of the house. I was convinced I was becoming better at managing these outbursts by strictly avoiding certain subjects and being alert to his ominous moods, brewing and portentous as they were.
It was a cold West Michigan evening in March. Spring quarter at Trinity had begun a week earlier. I recognized my husband's mood before we had even sat down for the evening meal. When we finished eating, I tidied up the kitchen, took my books and notes, and went upstairs while he watched his usual TV programs and Carlton did homework nearby, listening in as he typically did.
After an hour or so, I heard my husband's footsteps on the stairs. I stiffened, dreading the worst. He entered our bedroom where I was hunkered down and then, seemingly out of the blue, with not so much as a segue into the topic, demanded to know my interpretation of a particular biblical passage that related to women. I explained that I was very busy in course preparation and did not wish to discuss the matter, particularly because I knew it would create problems. He proceeded to give me his interpretation of the passage. When I remained silent and refused to agree with him, he became irate and began very loudly to threaten me and exclaim that he would not let me fly to O'Hare in the morning. He yanked me from where I was sitting, my papers flying in every direction.
Hearing his father shouting, Carlton was up the stairs two steps at a time. It was not the first time he sought to defend me. Normally, his crying out at his father put an end to violence. But not this time. My husband demanded he leave the room while at the same time squeezing my arms with all his might and viciously shaking me. Carlton did leave. He raced back to his own room and grabbed two knives, one no more than a hard plastic toy, the other a Swiss Army knife he had managed to open before returning to confront his father. At twelve, Carlton was tall and lanky, but no match for his six-foot-two father, who could do a hundred push-ups without breaking a sweat.
When I saw the knives, I screamed for Carlton to get out, but within seconds my husband had thrown him to the floor, taken the knives, and was coming at me again. In a second, Carlton got back up and tackled his father, crying out at the top of his lungs. And then somehow amid the mayhem, it ended. My husband left the room still raging, ordering Carlton to come downstairs with him.
The next afternoon I was in Deerfield, greeting students in my classroom and wearing a turtleneck and blazer that conveniently covered the bruises — black-and-blue finger marks on my upper arms. I had taught the course before, and once I was into my rhythm and a lively discussion was under way, I was in another world. After the class ended in the late afternoon and all the students had checked in with me on term projects, I gathered my books and notes and began making my way over to the little apartment on campus where I stayed. My real life flooded over me, covering me like a shroud — like a shroud of pitch-black, oily fright. A quick call home to Carlton relieved the tension. But the situation seemed hopeless. Our little family was a complete mess. Where would it all end?
There are many underlying factors to consider in attempting to understand why a husband would beat and terrorize his wife. I'm certain a psychiatrist could write an entire volume on my ex-husband. But from my vantage point, his perspective on male supremacy and female submission was front and center. He repeatedly quoted Scripture to defend his headship and to enforce my unconditional obligation to submit — from "the kitchen to the bedroom." He might have added to that list my home office where I prepared lectures. His rule was absolute and final — most notably during his violent moods. Black-and-white Bible, black-and-blue wife.
Why didn't I just pack up and leave with Carlton? That's a complicated question that will be dealt with throughout this volume. Perhaps a more appropriate question that relates specifically to this chapter is, Why didn't I tell this very story to that full house at Wheaton? It's a story the audience — students, staff, faculty, and visitors — needed to hear. I was a professor, like my fellow professors at Wheaton. The crowd could relate to that. And here I was, a woman, a wife, a mother, standing before them. I was exhibit A.
In fact, what if the forum for that evening at Wheaton College would have been not a debate but a storytelling forum — a session during which John Piper and I simply sat down and interacted with each other about real people and about ourselves. We could have done that. We knew each other. I spoke one Sunday night about missions history at his church in Minneapolis. I was welcomed into his home. I commend him for his bestselling book, Desiring God and for his active involvement in missions outreach around the world. And he has commended me. In fact, in January of 1984, he wrote (now posted online), "Noël and I are reading together in the evening Ruth Tucker's book From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya: A Biographical History of Christian Missions(Zondervan, 1983). Then we pray together." In 1993, he made reference again to his and Noël's having read that book together nine years earlier.
Instead of debating, he could have related experiences of counseling married couples in his ministry, and he might have talked about how he and Noël work through issues. I might have told stories about my parents' marriage and revealed details of my own marriage breakdown. Imagine the impact we could have had on those students.
Some, of course, prefer debates and proof texting. But I would remind them that storytelling is the stuff of the Bible. True, there is nothing wrong with debates. We learn a lot from them. The debate over headship, however, has become rancorous in recent years, often sounding very un-Christian.
But is it possible, I wonder, to deal with some very touchy matters with graciousness? Can we come together as a Christian community and recognize that the doctrine of male headship has sometimes been used as a cover to perpetrate violence against women? At the same time, can we come together in an understanding that marriage based on mutual submission is a biblical model — a valid interpretation of Scripture? I acknowledge that the headship model is a valid way to interpret the Bible. I certainly do not believe it is the most faithful interpretation, particularly in light of the central themes of Scripture, but I would never claim it has no biblical basis at all and is simply pulled out of a magician's hat.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife by Ruth A. Tucker. Copyright © 2016 Ruth A. Tucker. Excerpted by permission of ZONDERVAN.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction1. Is There Common Ground Between Male Headship and Mutual Submission?
2. How do Adam and Eve Influence Gender Discussions?
3. Dear God, Are Boys Better than Girls?
4. What if Women Ruled the World?
5. What do Bible Stories Tell us About Marriage?
6. Should We Recognize Both His and Her-meneutics?
7. Was John Calvin a Feminist?
8. How Does the Rule of Thumb Apply Today?
9. Is the Husband Head of Home—from Kitchen to Bedroom?
10. Is There Such a Thing as Legitimate Rape in Marriage?
11. Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?
12. How Helpful is Marriage Counseling in Dealing with Domestic Violence?
13. Do Abused Wives Share the Guilt?
14. How Can we Sensibly Train our Girls—and Boys?
15. Howe Can I Redeem My Messy Soap Opera Life?
What People are Saying About This
Tucker’s book is nothing less than a damning indictment of the church’s tendency to justify or turn a blind eye to abuses happening within our own ranks. It is a prophetic call to re-think our theology of male and female. The church belongs on the forefront in the battle to root out and end abuse, to provide safe haven for the abused, and to see that abusers are brought to justice. — Carolyn Custis James, author of Malestrom: Manhood Swept into the Currents of a Fallen World
Ruth Tucker’s historical and biblical scholarship has informed my own journey and that of countless egalitarians. In this book, however, her pedagogy is a story of abuse—her own. It is as powerful as it is personal, exposing the perils of a patriarchal reading of Scripture. Because Ruth’s experiences are all too common, Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife is essential reading for pastors, seminarians, counselors,
NGO workers, and indeed anyone who believes God speaks to us from the pages of Scripture. — Dr. Mimi Haddad, president of Christians for Biblical Equality (www.cbeinternational.org)
I first knew Ruth Tucker as a colleague when she was much closer to the beginning of the story she recounts in this book. Ironically (or providentially), it was when she joined a team of women scholars working on a volume whose subtitle was Facing the Challenge of Gender Reconciliation. In Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife, she recounts the messy but also redemptive details of her own struggle with domestic violence—a topic that, one way or another, affects us all. This is a very courageous account that should motivate readers to action, even as it may disturb them. — Mary Stewart Van Leeuwen, professor (emerita) of psychology, Eastern University
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