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Overview
I am not a stranger to the marriage institution. I have been married for twenty four years and I have had my own share of marital challenges. More so, I am a Pastor and a Lawyer. In that capacity, I have conducted many marriage ceremonies, I have been a marriage counselor to hundreds of married couples and I have represented many people on marriage matters in the court room. In short, I have seen it all. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. Frankly, I am sick and tired of seeing too many people get hurt in their marriage and I really want to help. That is exactly what this book is all about. If you are looking for a practical, relevant and blunt book about marriage, this is it.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781452020013 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 05/10/2010 |
| Pages: | 76 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.18(d) |
Read an Excerpt
Blue Print for a Successful Marriage
By Joshua Joy Dara, Sr.
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2010 Dr. Joshua Joy Dara, Sr.All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-2001-3
Chapter One
What Is Marriage?
I do not mean to insult your intelligence by trying to define marriage, but I have noticed that too many people go into marriage without knowing what it is really all about. Many people readily admit, after the fact, that they did not fully understand what they were doing when they decided to get married. It is very important that we all have a clear understanding of what marriage is all about. The best way to define marriage is to know what God says about it. This is important because it was God who started the idea of getting married to begin with. It makes sense to consult with the manufacturer of anything if we have serious questions about the thing. A manufacturer would most likely know a whole lot more than anyone else concerning his or her product. According to the Bible, it was God who created heaven and earth. Then he made a man named Adam and later made Adam a wife named Eve (Genesis 2: 26-28). In essence, God planned marriage, designed it, executed it, and promoted it throughout the Bible. God knows all about what He intended for a successful marriage, and frankly, He alone can rightfully define what He had in mind on the subject.
My point here is very important, because most people define marriage in terms of what they heard from their parents. Others approach the subject based upon what they know or have observed in their culture or society. For example, I have noticed that the way the people in the Western world perceive marriage is different from the way people in the Third World perceive marriage. In West Africa where I was born, when it comes to the matter of marriage, the husband is in charge of the home for the most part, whereas, in the Western world, most people think that marriage is a 50/50 matter between the husband and the wife. Well, one must then ask the question, who is right and who is wrong? Interestingly, people tend to see their own cultural views or society's ideas as the way to go-the right way. However, for someone like me who has lived in two or more societies, it can be pretty confusing. But the moment I realized that marriage was started by God, and not by the Africans or the Americans or the Chinese or the Mexicans or anyone, I made up my mind to consult with God. He would know more about it all than the rest of us combined would know. So let us all set aside for a moment what we heard from our parents or friends about marriage. Let us check with God, who started marriage, and see what He had in mind.
As far as God is concerned, marriage is the union of a man and a woman to become as one for the purpose of forming a family. In Genesis 2:24, the Bible says:
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.
Take note that God did not intend for a man to marry another man or for a woman to marry another woman. God's idea of marriage is when a man and a woman comes together to become one for the purpose of having a family. The obvious challenge is: How in the world can two people become as one? How can two people from different homes, raised by different parents in different settings, come together and all of a sudden begin to live together as one? The answer to these questions can for the most part resolve all marital conflicts in the world. The problem with most married couples in crisis is that they are no longer one, but two. At times, each of them tries to control or dominate the other. We are all right in our own eyes. Many times, no one seems to be willing to compromise, and it is like having two big monsters living together in the same house. Whereas if a man and a woman can learn to become as one, just as God intended, their marriage will experience much peace. Let me remind you that God knew that it is possible for two people to live as one; if not, He would not have come up with the idea. Please get it clear in your mind that the idea of two people becoming as one is doable. The only problem for many people is that they don't know how to do it. This book will show you how.
Chapter Two
Today's Marriage
Marriage is like a brand-new car. It must be maintained, repaired, and tuned up. A new car will not run for long if no one changes the oil or does regular maintenance on it. Likewise, newly married couples should not expect that their love engine will last for too long without regular maintenance, repairs, or tune-ups. One obvious problem in today's marriages is that too many married couples go for years and years without any check-ups, repairs, or maintenance. I guess they just assume that their marriage relationships will run on autopilot for life. That is just not practical or realistic, and the result is often catastrophic. It is not surprising that one out of two marriages ends in divorce. As a result, our society is now full of people being raised as step kids, adopted kids, or foster kids. Thank God that many of these children still do well in life, but the reality is that the odds are much greater that something will go wrong when a child is not raised by both Mom and Dad in a home . In fact, many of these children do suffer needless emotional trauma due to their parents' marriage break-up.
To add to the problem, there is now a growing number of openly gay and lesbian people. That is a challenge to the traditional family unit, comprised of a man and a woman. Don't get me wrong; the purpose of this book is not to condemn or criticize people who are gay or lesbian. I am simply pointing out the fact that because some men profess to be gay, there are fewer potential husbands for young women. Likewise, the more women who are lesbians, the harder it is for young men to find wives. For example, I know of many fine Christian sisters who wish to get married but just can't find good husbands. Even in the church house, it is not unusual to see congregations made up of 60 to 70 percent women. The question is often asked: Where are the men? The honest answer to that question is that some men are on the street, some are in jail, some are already taken, and some are unavailable because they are gay. Obviously, there is nothing one can do with people that are already taken. But one can at least appeal to other men not to turn gay or go to jail. If fewer men choose these paths, the obvious result will be that there will more men available to our young women to marry.
I will admit that I am a supporter of the marriage institution. I honestly believe that good marriages will result in our having a good society. Likewise, a good society will lead to a good nation, and consequently, a good world. And if the world becomes good, there will be fewer wars and rumors of war. In short, we can make our world a better place by preserving the institution of marriage. I am not suggesting that good marriages are the only solution to world problems, but I do strongly believe that they are a big factor in preserving the family, raising good children, and producing a healthy, successful, and productive society. Can you imagine if every child born this year is a product of a good and successful marriage? Can you imagine how much money and resources we can save as a society if our marriages and family institutions are in good shape? The police will have less crime in their hands. The jails will be less full. The government will have to spend less money on fighting crimes and wars. Consequently, there will arguably be fewer taxes to pay, and everybody wins!
There is also the challenge of blended families in our society. This is a situation where one or both parties to a marriage have children from their previous marriages, or before their marriage, and now bring their previous family into a new marriage family. Many of these people are trying their best to make things work, but there is little doubt in the mind of anyone that having a blended family is an additional challenge to any marriage. Yet, with God's help, it can work and work well. The reality is that whenever a person does something out of the ordinary, it is more difficult or more challenging to succeed.
My friend, if you are in love and you are contemplating a marriage that will result in a blended family, be aware that you may have to work extra hard to make your marriage succeed. I am not here to condemn the idea of a blended family. I am just saying, "Let the buyer be aware." However, if you are already in a blended marriage situation, be encouraged: "With God, all things are possible" (Luke 1:37).
I pray that God will bless your marriage and grant you favor to be a success story. The key to real success in marriage is to make it a partnership between the married couple and God. If God is in it, nothing can stop your marriage from being successful. The problem with many married couples is that they are trying to stay married without God. Yet the Bible clearly said: "Without me, you can do nothing" (John 15:5). If you include God in your marriage, your chances for success are very good. So, start today to pray to God about your marriage. Furthermore, consider going to church with your family, read your Bible, and believe in God to heal your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I am about fifty years old as I write this book. In my lifetime, I have seen a lot of people get married and I have witnessed a lot of married couples get divorced. I often wonder why people who once laughed together, smiled together, and slept together end up being worst enemies. Initially, I thought that it was only a sign of the times and the problem would go away with time. To my surprise, the state of marriage is getting worse with time. Today, just about one out of every two marriages is predicted to end up in divorce, and a lot of people who are still married are only tolerating one another. This bothers me. In my heart, I know something is fundamentally wrong, in our society as a whole, with the way we view marriage. That is why I decided to study hard and find solutions to most marriage problems. The goals of this book are to provide practical guidelines to everyone who wants to get married and to provide a rescue plan for those who are already married but are now experiencing some tough times.
I am strongly convinced that being married is a good thing. I didn't come to this conclusion based on religion or some weird ideology. I took the time to explore the pros and cons of marriage, and I saw clearly that the good outweighs the bad. My goal in this book is to be a problem solver, saving people from unnecessary headaches and the common pitfalls of marriage. If you are already married, this book will serve as a tune-up manual so that you can tune up your marriage regularly, just as you would tune up your car. If you are not yet married, this book can serve as a guide as you plan to meet your future spouse.
This book is a marriage help manual. Specifically, I really want to help all people to have and maintain successful marriages. I have seen too many marriages come and go. I have seen so much devastation when marriage relationships have collapsed. I have watched too many people who went into their marriage relationships with high hopes and good intentions but were flatly disappointed. Even my own marriage went through some turbulence. Thank God, the storm is over now. But I must admit that my own marital rough ride was a wake-up call for me, helping me to understand that marriage crises can happen to anyone, regardless of how long the parties have been married. While I survived my own marriage turbulence, too many married couples have not been so lucky. In fact, one out of every two marriages may end up in divorce. That kind of staggering statistic cannot go unnoticed by anyone who really cares.
As a pastor of a local church in Louisiana, it is easy and convenient for me to simply teach every married couple to forgive one another, pray for one another, and let the Holy Spirit be their marriage senior partner. I have been teaching such a theology for years anyway, but the more I observe my congregation of about three thousand people, the more I am convinced that people need more practical tools to achieve successful marriages. First and foremost, I sought to learn everything I could to save my own marriage. Then, as a pastor, I developed a strong desire to help every married couple in my church succeed in their marriages. In addition, I concluded that one of the most pressing problems in America today is the stability of the family. So if I can fix the problem, I will be helping a nation that has given me so much.
Chapter Three
CHOOSE Wisely
One of the most important decisions you will ever make in life is the choice of whom you will marry. Such an important decision should not be left to chance. People who are happily married are not just lucky; they wisely choose their spouses. Since you love yourself so dearly, you must invest the time to find out how, where, why, and when to find the right spouse-you will be spending the rest of your life with this person as one family. It is a shame that too many people leave this very important decision to chance. As a result, many people open the door for the devil to attack them through their marriage and many even get hurt in the process. If you are a single man or woman reading this book, I pray that God will enable you to pay particular attention to what I am about to tell you. I am strongly convinced that if you follow the blueprint that I lay out in this book, you will not be ashamed in your marriage.
There are simple rules of thumb that you cannot ignore. For example, the Bible said that you should not marry an unbeliever. Likewise, you should not make your decision based on feelings, hormones, or mere sexual hunger. Moreover, it is very important that you pray and trust God to lead and guide you in making a wise choice. If I were you, I would not subscribe to a school of thought that says love is blind. Keep your eyes wide open as you wait patiently to hear from God, and let Him point out the right spouse for you. In other words, you must watch and pray in the process of making a choice of whom to marry. Do not rush the process. Start out with any prospective candidate being just a friend. Don't start out with sex; start out with friendship. As friends, you should do ordinary things together-go to church, go to the games, or play ping-pong, tennis, or other sports. Watch movies and television shows together, but be careful of what kinds of shows or movies you watch. Quite frankly, some television shows and movies are ungodly. Do not put yourself in an atmosphere of compromise. Your time together should not be for wrongdoing, but to look for diligence and consistency in one another. During your friendship, your goal should be to grow together, mature together, and study one another.
The responsibility to choose a good husband or wife is very critical, because it may well determine the success or failure of any marriage. If you start out making a bad choice in your spouse, then the game may be over before it gets started. Regrettably, this is the stage where most people mess up. No wonder the Bible said: "If the foundation be destroyed, what can the righteous do?" (Psalms 11:3).
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Blue Print for a Successful Marriage by Joshua Joy Dara, Sr. Copyright © 2010 by Dr. Joshua Joy Dara, Sr.. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction....................ix1. What Is Marriage?....................1
2. Today's Marriage....................4
3. CHOOSE Wisely....................9
4. COMMITMENT Is for Life....................20
5. COMMUNICATION Is Important....................27
6. CARELESSNESS Is Costly....................35
7. CARE for One Another....................51
8. CONFLICT Resolution....................55
CONCLUSION of the Matter....................59