Braineater Jones

Braineater Jones

by Stephen Kozeniewski


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Braineater Jones wakes up face down in a swimming pool with no memory of his former life, how he died, or why he's now a zombie. With a smart-aleck severed head as a partner, Jones descends into the undead ghetto to solve his own murder.

But Jones's investigation is complicated by his crippling addiction to human flesh. Like all walking corpses, he discovers that only a stiff drink can soothe his cravings. Unfortunately, finding liquor during Prohibition is costly and dangerous. From his Mason jar, the cantankerous Old Man rules the only speakeasy in the city that caters to the postmortem crowd.

As the booze, blood, and clues coagulate, Jones gets closer to discovering the identity of his killer and the secrets behind the city's stranglehold on liquid spirits. Death couldn't stop him, but if the liquor dries up, the entire city will be plunged into an orgy of cannibalism.

Cracking this case is a tall order. Braineater Jones won't get out alive, but if he plays his cards right, he might manage to salvage the last scraps of his humanity.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781940215181
Publisher: Red Adept Publishing
Publication date: 09/23/2013
Pages: 234
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.53(d)

About the Author

Stephen Kozeniewski lives with his wife of 9 years and cat of 22 pounds in Pennsylvania, the birthplace of the modern zombie. He was born to the soothing strains of "Boogie With Stu" even though The Who are far superior to Zep, for reasons that he doesn't even really want to get into right now.

During his time as a Field Artillery officer, he served for three years in Oklahoma and one in Iraq, where due to what he assumes was a clerical error, he was awarded the Bronze Star. The depiction of addiction in his fiction is strongly informed by the three years he spent working at a substance abuse clinic, an experience which also ensures that he employs strict moderation when enjoying the occasional highball of Old Crow.

He is also a classically trained linguist, which sounds much more impressive than saying his bachelor's degree is in German.

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Braineater Jones 4.6 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 13 reviews.
eternalised More than 1 year ago
Are you sick and tired of zombies? I’m willing to bet you won’t be for long. Braineater Jones is one of the most original, at times hilarious, at times depressing, books I’ve read in a long while. It featured zombies in a way you’ve never seen before. A man wakes up face down in a pool. He has drowned, but somehow he’s still alive. Unaware of his name, who he is, or what transpired, he searched the house he’s in from top to bottom, coming face to face with a bunch of thieves. Once he makes his way outside to the bad part of town, he figures he’s not the only one of the living dead. With his brain swiftly deteriorating, he needs booze to stay alive, and to stay sane. If he doesn’t get any soon, he’ll turn into one of those insane freaks eating up other people, which he doesn’t want at all. He starts calling himself Braineater Jones, and tries to adapt to his new reality. Soon enough, he opens up some sort of private investigation service for the recently-deceased-but-still-alive and helps solve cases. All the while though, the mystery of his own death haunts him, as well as the reason for why he’s still undead. The book is original, refreshing, and has so many things I didn’t see coming that it’s impossible to figure out where to start. Nobody can be trusted in the world of the undead, one apparently only needs one’s head to be alive, and friends are found in the most unlikely of places. Jones is an intriguing character. He doesn’t fall within a simple category. He’s neither good nor bad. Sometimes he’s a little heavy-handed toward his other clients, then he develops a soft spot for someone else, while the reader never sees it coming. At times, the book is gross, and shows us the darker side of human nature, and of being undead. It’s set in the 1930s, and has a matching noir style and dark humor. If you’re not fond of that style, I wouldn’t recommend that book, but if you like that style or feel neutral about it, then I highly recommend this book. It’s unique, the story is strong, the plot is complicated, the characters are complex and entertaining. It’s not the kind of book where you’ll laugh out loud at times, but the kind of book that’ll make you grin several times during reading. An extraordinary read, and not just for people who love zombies.
Miznikkih More than 1 year ago
Braineater Jones woke up dead in a pool, thus beginning his new un-life. Braineater isn't his real name, it's what un-dead people like him are called when they don't have enough liquor in them to keep them fresh. Without the alcohol they start to deteriorate, fleshy bits start to slip right off, and are soon likely to go for your brains. So, he's kinda like those people you find at the morgue with a toe-tag named John Doe. I'm getting sidetracked. Jones keeps a journal full of questions he needs answers to, such as; Who am I? Who killed me? How do braineaters live? In this new world, while on his quest to get the answers he craves, Jones needs money to supply him with lodgings and the liquor he needs. An offer is made for Jones to help out others like him by basically becoming a private eye of sorts. Jones is heavy-handed servicing his new clients and doesn't make too many friends on his way to enlightenment. When he starts to question the wrong characters, the bad guys get wind and Jones' new un-dead life becomes a lonely one. I really enjoyed the dark humor layered throughout this read which elicited many a chuckle from me. One-liners and un-dead drama such as needing a bedpan to catch the food you eat as it drains from your neck are just one of the many things that kept me smiling till the last page. The next time I want someone to go away I'll use this line from the book:  "Why don't you make like a whore and blow?" The author was creative with his brand of the walking dead and I don't have anything negative/constructive to say, which is a big deal coming from me. I could hear Bruce Campbell as the narrator and could so see this as a B-movie.  I look forward to reading whatever (Can we shorten the name, please! Or at least tell me how to pronounce it *wink*) Mr. K. writes about next. Job well done! 
ClassicBookReader More than 1 year ago
First off I have to say, what a truly, unique and very original concept. Yes it’s Zombies but the other reality, the situation and the character is utterly fantastic in the imaginative reality of story book wonderment. This will be my forth time reading one of Stephen’s books, well this being the third and the other being a short story. I have to say this is easily my favorite. When I read books, I want new in-depth realities to plots. Stephen accomplishes that with Braineater Jones and so much more. There is some great creative dark humor in this book that stands out, memorable and utterly funny. This is a crime noir with the aspects of horror. This modern Five and Dime Pulpy laced story is one that never lets up in the unique department, and remains solid to the very end. I found this book simply put, amazingly told. Stephen created something the book world lacks a lot of this day and age, and that is an original concept. He took the old, tired, I don’t want to hear about zombies again. I could care less mentality and turned it around for me. I will be very blunt, I hate Zombie books. I hate Zombie movies, I hate everything about Zombies this day and age, that is unless we are talking about the original concepts like, Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of Dead, and Day of the Dead, Fulci’s Zombie or anything Fulci. The Zombie mentality has been hashed, rehashed and over done to the point they aren’t scary, and to me there utterly boring. Thankfully there are a few writers and directors of films that bleed some new original reality into the dead, (no pun intended) concept. Stephen is one of those writers that give a new voice to a tired dead reality. A prime example of that reality is this book. Braineater Jones is a perfect original concept that gives everything a story should give. It’s a story that will remain with you and create an imaginative means of returning to this book, or highly recommending it. A perfectly, dark comical Detective story that is surprisingly complex, and written in a way that specifically allows you to become addicted to the story. Braineater Jones is one of the coolest characters to ever grace the written word, world. Stephen Kozeniewski is a freaking genius storyteller, and an imaginative person. He is one I place in the category of his own in the writing world. This book is truly a one of kind in allowing his stories to become mind consuming. Braineater Jones is a fresh take on a dead storyline. Memento (2000) meets D.O.A. (1950) while dancing with Night of the Living Dead.. Would I Return to it again: I would. I thought I would never say, that I would return to modern Zombie story, but with this one, I truly would. It’s so different, so unique, and utterly brilliant. Would I Recommend: Absolutely. I would even recommend it to all those like me who are sick and tired of the same rehashed story of zombies. This book will change your mind because it’s so different. SO unique, and so great. Book Length: 234 pages Year Published: 2013 My Rating: 5 out of 5 Four Words: Originality at its Best.
megHan-sHena More than 1 year ago
Braineater Jones At the time I purchased this book, I had really had it with the whole zombie 'thing.' I had seen SO many movies and read SO many books that were all pretty much the same, that I had sworn off the lot - and was avoiding dystopian as well, since so many authors seem to believe that zombies and dystopian go hand-in-hand. I was absolutely sure that there was no one who was going to be able to come up with something new and fresh, something exciting and out of the ordinary... That's when I stumbled upon this book. As usually happens with me on Amazon (and Pinterest - my apologies to anyone who follows me there), I was looking at one thing and ended up, thirty minutes later, looking at the cover of this book. It completely caught my attention and, after reading the book description, I knew I needed to try this out. Maybe it's been done before, but I hadn't seen a zombie PI from back in the 30s and this grabbed my attention on so many levels. I mean, I'm a big fan of mysteries and noir, so how could this be bad? Trust me - it wasn't. The main character, Braineater, is pretty awesome. He's sarcastic as hell, and I have this thing about sarcastic main characters. He's new at this whole zombie thing, having recently died, and there are a lot of things to get used to (not even including the fact that their bodies start to change after awhile). Throughout the book, he has some small mysteries that he tries to solve with his new PI business, tries to figure out who murdered him, avoid getting into trouble (which he's not always successful at) - and he meets some crazy characters along the way. The story itself is so good. The mystery of his murder - and the truths that he finds out along the way - are really thought out and well written. And you can tell that he knows a lot about this era (or did a lot of research) - the terms he uses, as well as social and behavioral points he touches on in his story. My favorite part of the whole book is the brothel. Wow! It was so out there and different - and absolutely hilarious. And I love the "guy" that Braineater ends up partnering with. Considering the different genres that this book could fall under, I can see a lot of different readers liking this book. And it's definitely recommended - this is going on The Gal's best read list this year and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to read it.
GetYaWings More than 1 year ago
Upon first discovering this book and checking it out, one might be under the impression that it’s some sort of joke or spoof. Check it out anyway – trust me. I love this book. Off the bat, I find myself laughing at it – I do not mean in a mocking way. I mean because the author has a way of writing that is quite humorous. ‘Braineater Jones’ describes his surroundings and situation in a way that paints a very clear picture, provides humor and makes me need to read on. As I do, there are several mysteries afoot and none of them are your typical mystery novel style. This book is like nothing I’ve read before and I just want more. While Jones is undead, there isn’t any apocalypse / zombie situation going on. People are going about their lives during a difficult time in our history- some are living and some are.. well.. unliving. Jones’s personality promptly shines through, despite the fact that he cannot remember who he is – this is a brilliantly designed character surrounded by other well designed, and funny characters. The author was even considerate enough to include a glossary in the back to help with some of the slang from the past though I must say I didn’t find this necessary. Any phrases I hadn’t heard before were used in away that were self-explanatory meaning there was no need to be checking back & forth.
StarGazer2 More than 1 year ago
Stephen Kozeniewski hit it out of the park with Braineater Jones. This book had me laughing out loud and insisting to my kids that they should read it since they enjoy zombies and comedy and this book has a balance of both.  The story is about a P.I. and Stephen added the perfect dose of mystery to this slapstick, gumshoe humor. It is easy to forget that this is a zombie “horror” book when you are laughing at what Jones goes through with his best friend who happens to be just a head. Loved those parts. This book is for ALL Zombie lovers who would like a different take on a good old traditional theme.
AudiobookReviewer More than 1 year ago
First, JUST LOOK at that cover! So many covers do not tell the story of what is inside the pages, even though a picture is supposed to be worth 1,000 words. Yeah, right. They always fail. This one? Epic job at bringing to mind what the book is going to be about. Second, think The Walking Dead meets Jim Butcher. Gritty, intense, hilarious at times but gruesome always! Being a mystery I was curious if I would truly be able to enjoy it but with this kind of lead character and his snarkiness, I could not NOT enjoy it. (yes double negative equals a positive!) The narrator's voice lent to a perfect rendition of what I imagine Jones would actually be like. His voice, deep and raspy, helped to propel my mind into a different and somewhat crazy world. It sounded amazing. Sadly, for some reason the quality wasn't all that great but the story and the essence was all able to come through just fine, it was just a rough quality at times. This is the second book that I've read of Stephen's and I have to say, I love his work. It's intense and there is no pulling punches with the gore that is in his stuff. He's laying it all out there but the gore isn't just for the sake of having gore. It matches the story very well. Now for the last part... yes, this is about zombies (sort of I guess) but it's a hugely different take on zombies. It's intriguing to say the least. I loved listening to this (again Steve Rimpici is amazing) but this is one book where I think I would have enjoyed it just as much if I had read it. Although, as I'm typing that I already have the feeling that I would miss Steve's gravelly voice. I really hope there's going to be more. Audiobook provided for review by the author. Please find this complete review and many others at audiobookreviewer dot com [If this review helped, please press YES. Thanks!]
EMMacCallum More than 1 year ago
This book is rife with 'punny' wit. This is one of my favorite sources of humor and the book is loaded with that when it's not action…ok, maybe even then at times. It begins when a man wakes up face down and naked in a swimming pool. In his torso is a hole where a bullet passed through. How did he wake up? He's a walked dead, of course. The difference here is that he's coherent, can speak, engage others and move around. His pain tolerance isn't quite what it was and he has a penchant for the liquor, but he's alive. Braineater Jones gets his name through a variety of clever encounters as a newborn zombie. Zombies in this world wake up with a clean slate. There's no memories of their previous life at first - these come back slowly. For Mr. Jones, they're really taking their time. So for now, he's essentially clear of all past sins and we get to tag along while he discovers clues to solving his own murder and the mysteries of this ghoulish world. He ends up at the Welcome Mat, a part of town that is anything but welcoming. There he finds himself a job as a detective, a bodiless Watson-esque sidekick, plenty of "Death Becomes Her" dames and an underground criminal network. Kozeniewski doesn't allow mystery-fan enough time to breathe. It was really hard to put this one down. I found Braineater Jones to be highly entertaining. He almost had a Harry Dresden quality to his quips and outlook on the craziness around him. By craziness I mean things like the Whorehouse having zombie girls that you can mix and match body parts to. I think Mr. Jones was as shocked as I. The difference is that I started laughing afterward. That is just one example of the absolutely quirky world that's been created. Each new case brings Jones closer to the truth and each new case brings about new problems. I loved the story, how it was told. I'm totally a fan of this author's undead stories and look forward to buying a few. I had such an entertaining time reading Braineater Jones. It was funny, had classic noir dialogue and 30's jargon. It had an intricate mystery that kept me guessing and plenty of unique characters. There was every kind of person and undead personality to be had and not one fell flat. The adventure and renewed self-discovery was a non-stop ride and it was definitely entertaining in the horror department
Frank_Frank More than 1 year ago
Even though I knew the plot, thoroughly enjoyed it. Felt very 30's camp with modern feelings. For a 1st book it had the WOW factor and I didn't lose any brain cells over it. Looking forward to the next one.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
TheBookieMonster More than 1 year ago
So, admittedly, I didn’t read the synopsis, look at the cover or even have an inkling what this book was about when I started to read it. I was assigned this novel and judging by the title, I expected it to be comical. Three percent through … I said, “Stop. What am I reading?” Now, don’t take that as a bad sign, I asked this question with a smile on my face. After all, I was expecting a typical zombie novel with a slight Shawn of the Dead or Zombieland slant to it. Braineater Jones is far from typical. I looked up the book and caught glimpse of cover and that was all, really, I needed to know.  I started the novel again. It has a Foreword and honestly, I never read any Foreword until I get through a few chapters. Just a weird thing, especially if I see it is an ‘explanation’ from the author. I take that mindset of ‘Let me read first and then I’ll hear what you want to explain’. I don’t like anything being put in my head. Off I went, diving into this story with a brand new mindset. It reminded me, in a positive way, of one of those ‘dime story detective’ novels or a film noire shot and narrated by a slick guy with a deep bite and hook to his voice. Complete with that trouble starting Dame every old school mystery has. Braineater Jones wakes up, or doesn’t wake, he’s dead, at the bottom of a pool. He opens his eyes and so our story begins. He wonders what the heck is going on and is determined to find out not only what happened to him but who he is. He can’t remember. After a run-in with some thugs, he goes to some sleezy, two bit hotel. There he meets Lazar and we get more information about the new way of life or unlife that Braineater faces. His journey to the truth is documented in diary entries. And you read each one with that voice in your head. Braineater dives into the community of undead, and learns that you can keep your brain working and body from dripping flesh if you pickle your brain. That is done with alcohol. The story takes a different perspective, and a fresh one (no pun intended toward corpses).  Its twists and turns weave a great and unique mystery as you follow Braineater Jones through his own path of uncovery with plenty of obstacles and bad guys that want him more dead. The novel is witty, intense and keeps your interest from start to finish. It reads fast, I mean super fast and not that the book is short, it just reads that well. Nothing stumbled me. And that rarely happens. While some Zombie snobs may not like this book, I certainly did. I can’t for the life of me think of any reason to give this book less than five stars. Stephen Kozeniewski has crafted a very well written novel, it’s crisp, funny, mysterious and just darned good. He is a writing force to be reckoned with and I think I’ll nickname him ‘The Koz’, as his superstar author name, because I am certain if he keeps this up, he’ll get there. And to steal a little line from his  book, Thank Jesus, Murphy, and Joe Hooker that fellow ‘Koz’, he’s got another Zombie book out. Onward to that. Review submitted by Jacqueline Druga, member of The Bookie Monster team. Visit www.bookie for more.
AVoraciousReadr More than 1 year ago
Solid and unique zombie mystery. *Book source ~ Many thanks to Red Adept Publishing for providing a review copy in exchange for an honest review. It’s 1934 and a man wakes up naked, floating in a pool and he can’t remember who he is. Oh, and he’s dead. No, it’s not the beginning of a joke. Braineater Jones is the walking dead and he needs to figure out who he is, what happened to him and who killed him before he ends up dead dead. Or as he puts it, double dog dead.  I liked the premise for this story and the execution doesn’t disappoint. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t say execution. *shrugs* Braineater Jones…um, that isn’t his real name obviously since he can’t remember who he is. Anyway, Braineater wakes up naked and dead in a pool. Except he’s still functioning, albeit without a heartbeat and breathing and he has a bullet hole in his chest. Which he inspects then proceeds to look around his surroundings.     “After I finished fingering my hole, I went for the sliding glass doors.”   And that is when I knew this book was going to be entertaining. Sometimes gross and sometimes grossly funny, but always entertaining me as I went about trying to figure out the twists and turns going on in Braineater Jones life. Or unlife. Or whatever you want to call it. Told from the POV of Braineater in a journal-like way the writing is superb and the world of 1934 comes to life. Toss a zombie community into the works, some nefarious goings on and the mystery of who tried to kill Braineater and why and you get a mysterious horror story. Or a horrific mystery. Whichever floats your boat. And just to be clear, I’m not going to be eating spaghetti for awhile. All-in-all a solid and unique zombie story. Just don’t eat while you’re reading it. 
wazi More than 1 year ago
Braineater Jones by Stephen Koseniewski    This story is narrated by Braineater Jones, we get to see his undead life through his eyes as we join him on his mission to find answers to his growing list of questions. Who is he? Who murdered him and why? Kozeniewski has invented his own brand of zombies in this story. There is no explaining who will reanimate after death and who will not. To keep their undead selves functioning and their “brain wheels” turning they must have liquor. This is a real problem during Prohibition since without alcohol they will turn into a true brain eating zombie.      Jones becomes a private eye of sorts for the undead community as he works his way through mysteries of his own undead life. I enjoyed reading the author’s noir style of storytelling. Here is a sample of Kozeniewski’s writing when a client comes through Jones’s door.       It was a dame of course. She had legs up to her eyeballs. Literally. She was carrying a pair of legs, one over each shoulder… “Pawn shop’s downstairs. Not sure if they take drumsticks but never hurts to check.” “I’m here for you, Mr. Jones,” she said… She threw the getaway sticks down on my desk. The toes were clenching, and the feet kept arching and flattening…Her brother was still controlling his legs remotely, kicking to let her know he was still alive. Undead. Whatever. It was a signal, a distress call, an S-O-S by L-E-G.      The plot has a good pace and the storylines intertwine into a complex web of deceit, fantastical probabilities, and a touch of sci-fi. The scenes are well depicted and the characters are unique and unlike any I have met before. This was a creative story that will draw you in and keep you guessing. If you like noir detective stories you will likely enjoy this story despite the zombie theme. I found it entertaining and hope Braineater Jones can keep himself from decomposing long enough to make this a long series.         FYI: Stephen Kozeniewski places this warning at the beginning of his story. “This book contains the sort of racist, sexist, and bigoted characters that were commonplace to the era in which it takes place.” It also contains other adult language that may be offensive to some.    There is a glossary at the end of the book for the slang and jargon used from the 1930s, which I appreciated because I really didn’t have a clue what ginchy meant.      Format/Typo Issues: I found no significant errors    **Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy.**  October 14, 2013