Finally, a book for guys that solves the riddles of pregnancy.
Do you think that newborn babies can eat Doritos? That they can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny little baby lungs? That you will still be able to golf on weekends after your baby is born?
If so, you need this book!
Breathe takes guys misstep-by-misstep through the stages of pregnancy and the early days of childhood. Considered by many to be the unofficial pregnancy handbook of the NBA, Breathe is filled with useful tips such as these:
Brown's First Law of Conception: The odds of conception are inversely proportional to its desirability. High school virgins experimenting behind bleachers are guaranteed to get pregnant; financially secure married men hoping for children are doomed to spend their weekends in fertility clinics masturbating into cups.
Picking a doctor: Never use a gynecologist whose Medical School Diploma has palm trees on the side.
Pre-Natal Music: Mozart, yes. Wagner, No!
Common Concerns: If your baby is born with dark hair that covers its head, back, neck, temples and forehead, don't panic. This is perfectly normal. It just means your baby was born Italian.
Child experts from all over the world agree -- if you're a first time father, drop your baby and pick up this book!
|Publisher:||Simon & Schuster|
|Sold by:||SIMON & SCHUSTER|
|File size:||7 MB|
About the Author
Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. He is also the author of the bestselling business humor book Who Cut the Cheese? He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his three-year-old son, "the boy,"and a one-year-old daughter, "the girl."
Read an Excerpt
Chapter Three: Are You Pregnant?
You're a man. Men can't get pregnant, you moron!
Some men, however, experience what is known as "empathic pregnancy." They feel symptoms that mimic actual pregnancy signals. Other men get bad gas. The point is, even if you feel like you are pregnant, don't worry about it. You're not.
Is She Pregnant?
Well, usually she'll tell you. Then she'll get fat. Then she'll give birth. If these three things occur, you will know with certainty that she was pregnant.
Sometimes, however, women show signs of pregnancy that are actually symptoms of something else.
Of course, if you want to be sure that your wife is pregnant before she gives birth, the two of you can buy a pregnancy test kit. There are a variety of over-the-counter pregnancy test kits, and each one of them is remarkably accurate. They are also extremely easy to read. Just use this easy chart:
Sometimes, however, you may suspect that a woman is pregnant and doesn't want to tell you. If this woman is your wife, then you are in serious relationship trouble and you should seek counseling immediately. But you might suspect that a friend is pregnant. Or your sister. Whatever. The important thing is that there are still a few simple tests you can use to determine whether a woman knows she's pregnant. These time-honored techniques are many a man's first source of information:
- Offer to take her to Magic Mountain to ride "The Viper" -- a thrilling, steel rollercoaster complete with a 188-foot vertical drop, a top speed approaching 70 mph, and an unprecedented 7 vertical inversions.
- Buy her a round of drinks.
- Ask if she'd like to go off-roading in your sport-utility vehicle.
If a woman won't take you up on any of these offers, then she may be pregnant. Of course, she just may not like really cool, fun things. You'd be surprised how many women don't.
Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown
Table of Contents
|Foreword: A Word from the Doctor||11|
|Preface: A Word from the Author||12|
|Part I||Getting Started||15|
|1.||On Deciding to Become a Father||17|
|2.||Trying to Get Pregnant||23|
|3.||Are You Pregnant?||33|
|Part II||Nine Months and Counting||39|
|6.||Choosing (and Working with) Your Practitioner||47|
|7.||The Best Odds Diet for Men||51|
|8.||Prenatal Care 101||57|
|9.||Sex During Pregnancy||61|
|10.||What's Going On in There? Understanding the Trimester System||67|
|11.||Your Wife's Mental Changes Throughout Pregnancy||73|
|12.||The Working Mother||77|
|13.||The Gender Dilemma: Should You Find Out the Sex of Your Unborn Child?||79|
|14.||Naming Your Baby||83|
|15.||The Baby Shower||89|
|16.||Preparing the Baby's Room||93|
|18.||What to Bring to the Hospital||101|
|Part III||D-day!! Labor and Delivery||105|
|19.||Making the Decision to Go to the Hospital||107|
|20.||Driving to the Hospital||113|
|21.||You Made It to the Hospital. Now What?||117|
|22.||The Final Push||121|
|24.||It's A ... live||129|
|25.||Picking a Room||135|
|26.||Keep Baby Off the Grid!!||141|
|27.||The Great Circumcision Debate||143|
|28.||Other Body Modification Rituals||145|
|29.||The First Days Home||151|
|30.||Postpartum Depression: Hers and Yours||157|
|32.||Day Care Providers||169|
|33.||Television and the Younger Child||177|
|34.||Out with the Old, In with the New: The Second Baby||179|
|Appendix||A List of Recommended Baby Books||191|
The world is filled with books that help women deal with the changes they undergo during pregnancy. Often these books deign to include a sidebar or two about the man, but for the most part he is immediately relegated to the status of his wife's personal assistant. To be sure, any man in a relationship should be used to "drone" status, but somehow pregnancy makes it seem more definitive.
Worse than that, the father-to-be has no guidebook that tells him what to expect. His wife's books tell her she should be eating folic acid, but what should he be eating? She knows that she should take a light walk every day, but should he walk, too? Or is walking a pansy-ass exercise no matter how you slice it? A young father may feel helpless, or even guilty (especially if he still finds himself looking at pictures of lovely, young Swedish au pairs).
This book is designed with you, the father, specifically in mind. It follows the course of the pregnancy and gives you step-by-step advice about what will be happening to you before, during, and after your wife's pregnancy. And stop looking at that au pair! What's wrong with you! You're going to be a father, for crying out loud!
You make me sick.
Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown