Caged Eyes: An Air Force Cadet's Story of Rape and Resilience

Caged Eyes: An Air Force Cadet's Story of Rape and Resilience

by Lynn K. Hall

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780807089330
Publisher: Beacon Press
Publication date: 02/07/2017
Pages: 272
Sales rank: 868,492
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Lynn Hall is a memoirist, essayist, and activist in the movement to end sexual violence. She is also a mountaineer who has summited each of Colorado’s 14,000-foot-tall peaks and a runner who has completed a 100-mile ultramarathon. She lives in Boulder.

Read an Excerpt

From the Prologue
 
Mitchell Hall felt colossal to me, inspiring yet humbling, like much of the Air Force Academy. It was not just a cafeteria or a chow hall, but rather a dining facility fit for officer candidates of the world’s most dominant military. Like all of the buildings at the Academy, Mitchell Hall’s outer aluminum frame resembled an airplane’s metallic shell. Inside, two-story panoramic windows opened to the snow-covered pine forests blanketing the Rocky Mountain foothills.
 
Air Force–blue tablecloths adorned four hundred rectangular tables arranged in a perfect grid. We flooded through the doors of Mitchell Hall at the end of the noon meal formation, when awed tourists watched us cadets march to lunch. From the staff tower, a man’s voice commanded, “Wing, take seats,” and all four thousand of us sat in unison. The Air Force Academy bragged that we were the cream of the crop: America’s most driven, disciplined, bright, and honorable young adults, destined for charmed careers, first as Air Force commanders, fighter pilots, or intelligence officers, and later as aerospace engineers, politicians, or generals. A few of us might even reach our most coveted profession—astronaut. To prepare us for these future lives, the Academy packed our schedule with academics, athletics, and military training, which demanded no less than eighteen hours of effort each day of our four-year tenure. We were allowed twenty minutes for the noon meal.
 
It was a Monday in late February 2003, and as an underclassman, I sat at the table’s foot. Waitstaff rushed down the aisles, delivering hot dishes. Today’s meal: Chicken à la King over pasta. I passed the platter to the head of the table so that the seniors could serve themselves first. I sat perfectly still on the front six inches of my chair, back straight, my handsfl at in my lap. I focused my eyes on the black eagle at the top of my white, round plate; otherwise, upperclassmen would demand that I “cage my eyes.” I had not yet earned the privilege of allowing my eyes to stray.
 
There was an excess of energy in the dining hall. Cadets talked loudly, but this buzz wasn’t excitement; it was anger. “Liars,” I heard repeatedly. “Bitches.” Over the weekend, seven women had appeared on ABC’s 20/20 telling their stories of having been raped, ostracized, and punished here at the Air Force Academy. Watching from their computers in their dorm rooms, the cadets in my hallway had erupted in immediate fury, slamming doors and yelling: “Those fucking liars!” “How dare they attack our Academy?” I had watched the seven women on a grainy feed on my laptop in horror. I was angry, too, although I knew each word they spoke was true. One of the women had been raped by the same man who had raped me. My anger at them came from fear. I had trusted those women on TV. Together we had formed a rape survivors’ support group and had shared in painstaking detail what had happened to us. We connected our stories and their similarities and had realized—together—the pervasiveness of our traumas. Nearly simultaneously a handful of the women in our ever-expanding underground network of survivors were discharged from the Air Force. A few left by choice. Some were kicked out after they reported their rape, for offenses such as having sex in the dorms, even though they insisted it wasn’t consensual. Then their collective outrage drove them to seek out the media.
 
But what did they think would happen to us women at the Academy when they went public? While I admired their courage, I felt betrayed—furious that they could be so inconsiderate to those of us left behind.
 
Too nauseated to eat, I held my body taut while the upperclassmen at the head of my table debated “what the fuck was wrong” with these women. All nine cadets I sat with happened to be men, supposedly my Air Force family. “Collaborate to graduate,” cadets often chanted. Graduating from the Academy required tremendous teamwork. Academy administrators designed our training—the academic projects, athletics, inspections, field programs—to foster collaboration and solidarity. As an underclassman, even something as simple as walking to the bathroom was illegal unless a “wingman” came with me. Without a wingman, I’d have to pee in my dorm room sink. Cadet rules were so strictly enforced that the distinction between violating them and breaking actual Academy laws was blurred.
 
One of the seniors directed his attention to my end of the table and asked, “What do you think of those fucking whores who’re tarnishing our Academy?” Fucking whores. I had felt that way about myself. That I was a whore. That’s exactly how my perpetrators had made me feel. Perpetrators, plural. I had been raped by an upperclassman, but I had also been molested back home in the months before becoming a cadet. What kind of weak, helpless girl could be victimized by multiple men? I was smart—my high school’s valedictorian. And I was tough—strong enough to finish the Academy’s rigorous basic training. And yet I had been a victim, too, repeatedly. It wasn’t until I had confessed to my survivors group that I had been assaulted more than once, and another woman had answered, “Me, too,” that I questioned the self-recrimination that for months had kept me silent. Maybe I wasn’t a fucking whore. Maybe there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with me that had brought on the sexual assaults. After the senior’s question, I felt the eyes of the nine men around me monitoring my every twitch. The cadet across the table thrust his closed fist into the air between us, a standard way for a freshman to raise a hand. “Sir, may I make a statement?” The senior nodded to him. The freshman dropped his hand and looked directly at me, a stern, unblinking stare that confirmed my roommate had leaked my secret and that he knew of my own rape allegation. He said, “Sir, I think a woman who gets herself raped isn’t strong

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Prologue

PART I: Space Odyssey

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

PART II: Broken

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

PART III: Dark Ages

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

PART IV: Warrior Spirit

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

PART V: Higher

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

Epilogue

Select Recommendations for Resources on Sexual Assault in the Military

Acknowledgments

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Caged Eyes: An Air Force Cadet's Story of Rape and Resilience 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Jenny_Brown More than 1 year ago
This is one of the most powerful books I have read in a long time. It is not an easy read. Let me clarify: the writing is excellent and I read the entire book in a single weekend. But the subject matter is a challenging one, the sexual abuse that Hall suffered first as a teenager from trusted adult friends and then a rape that happened while she was a cadet in the Air Force Academy. This is a book about trusting yourself, being strong, fighting for your rights, and moving past trauma, even given the severe challenges Hall had (the physical repercussions of the rape continue even more than a decade after it occurred). I found myself tearing up at the end, as ultimately Hall fights to heal herself. This book angered me, saddened me, and ultimately uplifted me. Every feminist--no, every woman--should read this book. I hate to repeat myself but it's the best word for it: Powerful.
AmyP More than 1 year ago
This memoir is an important, well-written, and - above all - honest book. It's a tough read emotionally, and I'm so glad I read it! For those of us who feel sorry for ourselves over the most insignificant slight or who complain over the most minor physical ailments, we are given a glimpse into what actual hardship and actual pain feel like. And in the process we are shown what real courage, resilience, and strength are as well. And talk about strength! - Lynn Hall is an amazing person and a wonderful writer, and her memoir made me feel anger, sadness, and most of all hope - both for change and for her continued success.
crystallyn More than 1 year ago
I'm not normally one to read memoirs but I'm glad I had the chance to read this powerful book. I was really shaken by this memoir. I found myself crying in many parts of it, my heart breaking for the situations that Lynn found herself in during her time at the Air Force Academy. Having resilience in the title is apt, because Lynn K. Hall has it in spades. I'm not sure I could have had the same strength that she did to overcome everything she went through. This is an important book and even more so in the times we find ourselves in where the conversation about women's rights, their bodies and the respect that women deserve are in the forefront of the news. It is stories like Lynn's that truly prove that we need a new dialogue. We need to stop the victim-shaming and teach our boys that rape is never, never ok. In my opinion, this memoir is a must read.