Humans once worshipped cats. Tara, the world's leading feline expert on humans will teach you how to revive that tradition, one household at a time.
To help you become the god or goddess of your home, she has compiled the questions cats most often ask her and her answers. This book will teach you:
How to adopt the humans of your choice (while letting them think they chose you
The use of feline martial arts to turn other animals' aggression against them
The most effective way to conduct a hunger strike
Social networking the feline way: The actions that will get your videos on YouTube (and maybe a Facebook page).
Unforgettable ways to punish humans when they go away
How to make friends with a baby without losing your fur and whiskers
The art of claiming their bed as your bed
The complete guerrilla guide to resisting medications
And much more.
From the book:
Advanced Bed Exercises:
Beds are bouncy! Dare I bounce?
It depends. If you've had to go through a tedious process of getting accepted as a bed resident, I recommend that you wait to let the good times roll. If, however, your conquest of the bed proceeded with no opposition, bounce away.
And don't ignore other bed benefits. One entertaining game involves taking up as much of the bed as possible.
Any enterprising cat can stretch himself so that to the groggy human, he appears to have grown several feet in length and width and to have gained at least ten pounds.
Immobilizing the human by sleeping on his feet also provides much entertainment. It provides the additional benefit of preventing them from disturbing you by tossing and turning. A technique less frequently employed but equally enjoyable is to curl up next to a human's side and immobilize his arm.
Be sure to play the exciting attack game. This involves jumping on any part of a human's body that moves.
Asphyxiation, which involves lying on a human's head, is also fun, but NEVER do this with a small child or infant.
Don't overlook the fun of helping a human to change the sheets on a bed. To play this game, pretend that the sheet is your prey and attack it every time the human adjusts a fold.
|Publisher:||C. M. Barrett|
|File size:||404 KB|
About the Author
On my mother's side of the family, I come from a line of storytellers. My grandmother's stories ranged from my grandfather's arrest for draft resistance in England during World War I, the uncertainty of life during the Troubles in Ireland, to the day she decided to leave her marriage (but didn't). My mother's stories described a rural childhood that to a child of a suburb of little boxes seemed idyllic. Both of them encouraged me to read and provided me with books to feed a growing habit. When I was seven or eight, I discovered mythology, and the gods and goddesses in those tales were as real to me as the dragons and cats in my own stories are now. Thanks to my early training in fantasy, I like to hang out with dragons. Accepting the bizarre directions my imagination takes has allowed me to conjure up Zen cats, cougars, gossip-vending hawks, and other critters. Currently I live in upstate New York on a wooded piece of land not unlike some of the terrain in Big Dragons Don't Cry. Since 2000 I've belonged to the online writers' group, Artistic License, subtitled Shameless Blameless Hussies. They've read all my books, but don't blame them if you find errors, because they're shameless. I also paint, and the art on my book cover is one of my watercolors.