Christmas at the New Yorker: Stories, Poems, Humor, and Art

Christmas at the New Yorker: Stories, Poems, Humor, and Art

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780812970845
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 10/18/2005
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 320
Product dimensions: 8.00(w) x 10.00(h) x 0.76(d)

Read an Excerpt

christmas in qatar
calvin trillin

(A new holiday classic, for those tiring of "White Christmas" and "Jingle Bells")

verse:
The shopping starts, and every store's a zoo.
I'm frantic, too: I haven't got a clue
Of what to get for Dad, who's got no hobby,
Or why Aunt Jane, who's shaped like a kohlrabi,
Wants frilly sweater sets, or where I'll .nd
A tie my loudmouthed Uncle Jack won't mind.
A shopper's told it's vital he prevails:
Prosperity depends on Christmas sales.
"Can't stop to talk," I say. "No time. Can't halt.
Economy could fail. Would be my fault."

chorus:
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Qatar,
Or someplace else that Santa won't .nd handy.
Qatar will do, although, Lord knows, it's sandy.
I need to get to someplace pretty far.
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Qatar.

verse:
Young Cousin Ned, his presents on his knees,
Says Christmas wrappings are a waste of trees.
Dad's staring, vaguely puzzled, at his gift.
And Uncle Jack, to give us all a lift,
Now tells a Polish joke he heard at work.
So Ned calls Jack a bigot and a jerk.
Aunt Jane, who knows that's true, breaks down and cries.
Then Mom comes out to help, and burns the pies.
Of course, Jack hates the tie. He'll take it back.
That's fair, because I hate my Uncle Jack.
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Tibet,
Or any place where folks cannot remember
That there is something special in December.
Tibet's about as far as you can get.
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Tibet.

verse:
Mom's turkey is a patriotic riddle:
It's red and white, plus bluish in the middle.
The blue's because the oven heat's not stable.
The red's from ketchup Dad snuck to the table.
Dad says he loves the eyeglass stand from me-
Unless a sock rack's what it's meant to be.
"A free-range turkey's best," Ned says. "It's pure."
"This hippie stuff," Jack says, "I can't endure."
They say goodbye, thank God. It's been a strain.
At least Jack's tie has got a ketchup stain.

chorus:
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Rangoon,
Or any place where Christmas is as noisy
As Buddhist holidays might be in Boise.
I long to hear Der Bingle smoothly croon,
"I'm dreaming of a Christmas in Rangoon"-
Or someplace you won't hear the Christmas story,
And reindeer's something eaten cacciatore.
I know things can't go on the way they are.
I'd like to spend next Christmas in Qatar.

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Christmas at the New Yorker: Stories, Poems, Humor, and Art 3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 5 reviews.
Bookworm1951 More than 1 year ago
Like another reviewer, I was very disappointed. The artwork is scattered throughout but very tiny and difficult to see on a nook. Some pictures were superimposed over the text and both were unreadable in parts. Some quotations were just plopped int he middle of a story and had nothing to do with that story. The stories were boring, not very well written in my opinion. Many of them made Christmas depressing rather than joyful. Many had abrupt endings. I struggled through this book to the half-way point and then just gave up. Not one I would recommend.
Anonymous 6 months ago
Dated but delightdful vintage Christmas stories, cartoons, poetry, and art.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very disappointed. I used to love reading the "New Yorker" magazine, so I was really looking forward to some interesting stories, but this selection is down right depressing and poorly written in most cases. Where these stories really published in the "New Yorker"? Hard to believe....
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago