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ForeWord Reviews Indie Fab Award FINALIST - 2016
USA Best Books Award FINALIST - 2015
Your reactions to conflict are subconscious, scripted, and for the good of the group.
Conflict happens everywhere: at work, with friends and family, among strangers, and certainly in violence. Why did your boss ignore a suggestion that could save millions of dollars? Why do you have the same argument again and again with your spouse? When someone insults you, why do you get angry? Why do bad guys beat up the weak?
You have three brains.
• Lizard brain (survival)
• Monkey brain (emotion / social status)
• Human brain (reason)
Each “brain” has a different priority and evolved to deal with different kinds of conflict. They work using different scripts and have a very clear seniority system.
Conflict Communication (ConCom) presents a functional taxonomy to see, understand, and manipulate the roots of life’s conflicts. You will have the background, the principles, and a collection of tricks to manage and ideally avoid dangerous conflicts.
No going back. After reading this book, you can never go back. Even if you reject everything in the program, even if you refuse to admit how often your monkey brain has controlled your life, escalations toward conflict will never again be invisible to you.
As the fortune cookie says, “Your life is about to change.”
|Publisher:||Ymaa Publication Center|
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.60(d)|
About the Author
Rory Miller, author has served for 17 years in corrections as an officer and sergeant, working maximum security, booking, and mental health. In 2010, he began collaborating with Marc MacYoung for a police verbal de-escalation program. That program became ConCom. Not just for police, ConCom has been taught in 8 countries and to groups ranging from police academies to hospitals and factories. Rory Miller resides in the Pacific Northwest.
Table of Contents
Foreword MAJ Gregory Postal vii
Foreword Jack Hoban xi
Section 1 Background 1
1.1 Sex and Violence 1
1.2 Why and Wherefore-Maslow 4
1.3 Why and Wherefore-Three Brains 8
1.4 Types of Conflict 14
Section 2 Fundamentals 21
2.1 Responses to Conflict Are Subconscious 22
2.2 Your Responses to Conflict Are Scripted 23
2.3 For the Good of the Group 26
2.4 Enforcing the Monkey Scripts 33
2.5 Using Your Human Brain 37
2.6 Staying at the Human Level 48
2.7 Hooks 58
2.8 The Monkey Problem 64
2.9 Group Dynamics 80
2.10 The Other Maslow Levels 94
Section 3 Tactics, Tools, Techniques 107
3.1 Coordinating Your Own Mind 107
3.2 Active Listening 109
3.3 The Tactical Apology 115
3.4 Rapport Building 117
3.5 Boundary Setting 122
3.6 Work from the Common Ground 127
3.7 The Power of Reputation 129
3.8 The Human Alpha 131
3.9 Manipulating Adrenaline 132
3.10 Brown M&M's and the Purple Rose 133
3.11 The Grand Recalibration 135
Appendix 1 Violence 137
Levels of Coercion 137
Appendix 2 Threat Assessment 145
Is This a Dangerous Relationship? 145
Is This a Dangerous Place? 149
Will This Situation Become Violent? 150
Am I Being Targeted for Violence? 153
Appendix 3 The Love Script 157
About the Course 163
About the Author 167
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Louis L’Amour’s fictional character, Chick Bowdrie, walked a thin line. He could have easily fallen in with the outlaws, and nearly did so, but was grabbed in the nick of time by the Texas Rangers. And so throughout the short stories and novels, Bowdrie’s ability to think within the mind of the bad guys made him a brilliantly competent and successful Texas Ranger. This capacity to think from within the predator’s mind runs throughout Rory Miller’s works, which is what makes them highly beneficial. Miller, a veteran Law Enforcement Officer and corrections sergeant, has pulled together another fine resource in his 168 page paperback, “Conflict Communication: A New Paradigm in Conscious Communication.” This is a book about communicating in tense and tight situations, whether at work, in in the home, at the pub, or on the street. It is written for Law Enforcement Officers, employees, supervisors, and men and women in all walks of life. “Conflict Communication” is the meat-and-potatoes material from the author’s communications course. It presents the reader with a workable model for navigating communicative landmines, roadblocks, and traps. Miller follows an evolutionary pattern of how the brain functions and human consciousness operates. The most primal is what he calls the lizard. This is the hindbrain where the most primitive survival instincts lodge. The more developed is what he denominates the monkey brain. That part of our consciousness, the limbic system, which swims in the emotional stream and is concerned with status, social behavior and keeping the tribe alive. The most developed is the human brain, the neocortex, the youngest and newest member of the brain family. It is slower, yet gathers evidence, thinks, and weighs the options, as well as cause and effect. It is from this three part paradigm that Miller works out how to, and how not to, communicate in the midst of conflict. The author takes the reader through assorted communication dynamics where conflict, abuse, or aggression happen, and shows various ways to turn the tide. He explains and demonstrates the scripts we often fall into, their benefits and hazards, and how to break out of them when they’re not helpful. What hooks are, how to see them coming and not to get snagged. Different approaches to take in organizations when dealing with higher-ups, as well as untouchables. How to engage in active listening, use tactical apologies, build rapport, establish boundaries, and set up common ground. The book is clearly a “how-to” manual. “Conflict Communication” is an easy-to-read volume, broken down into three sections, which are broken down further into shorter, bite-sized chunks. The author has made the material accessible and broadly applicable. As Miller puts it, everything “in this book is a tool. It can show you ways to understand how communications go wrong and how conflicts arise. It might even give you the understanding you need to make some profound changes” (130). It’s a book worth getting and investing your time reading. My thanks to YMAA Publication Center for the complimentary copy of the book used for this review.
Every day, you likely face some kind of conflict. At least I do. Luckily for me, it’s usually not the kind of conflict that will get me killed. Instead, I deal with more social conflicts than anything – with coworkers and with family and friends. You might be thinking this is a martial arts book, but it’s really not. It’s actually listed under the categories of social science and violence in society. It's a great book that I've dog-eared a number of pages in, certain I'll need to refer to them again someday when I find myself in a similar situation.