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About the Author
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This poem was written to express how I felt going to Dundonald School in Saskatchewan. I used to walk over to what I called the "Red School" at recess and lunchtimes — when I wasn't in detention, of course.
After spending a year at Confederation Park School, a school that teaches speech therapy to kids with ADD/ADHD and I'm sure other disorders, I went back to my old school.
I once again was picked on and made to feel that I was no good. From the devil.
I honestly don't think I would have made it one more year there.
Luckily for me, my dad got transferred back to Alberta. My poor big brother had to start junior high in a totally different province. I felt that I had just won the lottery! I was going to start a whole new school, where no one knew me, and I wore no label. I was a blank page.
On my report cards, all the teachers documented were my reactions when kids picked on me. "Sara does not get along well with others," the report would say.
If little Suzie ruined my picture or broke my crayons, my solution with the ADHD would be to punch her in the face. If little Timmy hit me with spitballs, I would lose it and throw my desk.
It was never put in the reports that I never colored on someone else's picture. I never went over and pulled someone else's hair. I never hit another kid with spitballs. I wasn't a bad kid. How I reacted was bad, but I wasn't a bad kid. They totally missed that part in their reports.
Here's to the Life
As mentioned earlier, there is no manual on how to raise a child with mental illness. Even through all the love, the perceptions of an estranged mind are powerful.
As a child, I sometimes hated the fact that I was born. If I had the choice of being on earth or not, I would have chosen not.
I hated the feeling of fighting with myself, of trying to not become the label of ADHD. But then you're fighting against a part of you that is you.
Being in a bad relationship doesn't help with the mean voices in your head.
Just because you're crazy and the others are "sane" doesn't mean that what they say is right, and everything you say is wrong.
You need to find someone who accepts you as you are and doesn't try to put you down in your moments of "craziness."
A Child's Night
Sometimes dreaming can be more exhausting than being awake. It used to feel like things were waiting for me to fall asleep to attack me.
I remember as a child dreaming of a lizard-like creature. He would take me to his cave. I had other repetitive dreams as well, but I remember specific nightmares of a lizard-like creature and his cave.
I wrote this years before losing my best friend in a tragic car accident. I wrote this before experiencing any real loss. This poem didn't make sense to my life until after the death of Gina Marie Lindberg. Born June 18, 1986, she passed away September 20, 2014. She was twenty-eight years old and was just starting life with Keith Heaton. I really thought I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. That's forever going to be an experience I wish I could have had.
After being mad and fighting for so long, I was exhausted. That's when the feeling of being defeated and sad crept in and took over.
My anger episodes had teachers saying mean things about me. Maybe they didn't know that their words echoed in my screaming head for years after.
Kids remember when they are told they are "no good," "worthless," and asked, "What's wrong with you?" Even after days and nights, good times at the amusement park, when they lay their little heads on their pillows at night, those bad words keep coming back to haunt them.
A Teenage Boy
When those teenage years came, all it would take was one look from a boy to make me sigh.
When someone keeps himself or herself from you, when normally it's the other way around.
Take Away This Pain
When the mental illness has taken you to your breaking point.
Early elementary is tough on any kid. But once they knew they could break my crayons and watch me freak out about it, that's when things got really rough. Especially when I was the only one in detention for it.
Mom and Dad read me stories and tucked me in bed. While they were showing me love, all I wanted was to be alone with my screaming thoughts. But then once I was alone, I didn't want to be anymore.
So many times, other kids created a circle around me and "watched the show." I wished they could feel what I was feeling when I had no control of my brain freak-outs. Maybe then they wouldn't be so mean.
Just one of those moments when you think what your funeral would be like, And then you start thinking about how freaky it would be to be buried alive.
Not sure if this is the reason, or the fact that I am terrified of creepy, crawly insects, but I would like to be cremated when I die.
As a hypersensitive kid with ADHD, I had little to no control of my emotions and felt things I could not explain.
When you imagine what it would be like to see an angel cry.
A year turns into two, then three, then four. At about four and a half years, it hit me. I didn't want to imprison myself with a five-year to life sentence with someone.
To just be able to let go and jump face-first into love.
I know I have guardian angels. Even when I'm pushing myself away from them.
A basic look at your life.
Some people's perception of reality can be really scary.
Going to Sleep
As a child, I had crazy dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I couldn't tell which was worse: my nightmares or being awake.(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Controversial Poetry"
Copyright © 2018 Sara L. Wilson.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Home — Free, 1,
Here's to the Life, 9,
A Child's Night, 17,
A Teenage Boy, 30,
Take Away This Pain, 36,
No One, 40,
Fire, Fire, 43,
Mystic Beauty, 56,
I'm Sorry, 59,
Cherish Me, 64,
Guardian Angel, 69,
If Today, 73,
Going to Sleep, 81,
Hello, Sadness, 85,
Try and Find Me, 90,
Would You Still Love Me?, 96,
Grandma's Got a Gun, 99,
A Funeral For My Best Friend, 102,
Going on a Trip, 107,
Sociopath, Too Far Gone, 112,
In a Dream, 121,
Why Won't You?, 123,
Can't You See?, 126,
How Can You?, 138,
On My Own, 141,
Apart from Everyone, 151,
Saddest Song, 154,
I Just Want to Run, 160,
Hello Darkness, 163,
The Shadow, 176,
The Real Me, 182,
The Cliff, 188,
On the Floor I Cry, 191,
No One Else, 197,
You Took My Hand, 216,
You've Got that Somethin', 219,
I Can't Understand, 221,
About the Author, 225,