Crusoe, the Worldly Wiener Dog: Further Adventures with the Celebrity Dachshund

Crusoe, the Worldly Wiener Dog: Further Adventures with the Celebrity Dachshund

by Ryan Beauchesne

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250134721
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 10/16/2018
Pages: 240
Sales rank: 8,124
Product dimensions: 7.10(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Crusoe is a New York Times bestselling and Shorty Award-winning, well-educated, and stunning miniature dachshund (that's a "wiener dog") who became a self-made Internet celebrity due to his uncanny charisma, gorgeous good looks, and wildly successful blog. This is his second book. He lives in Canada with his smitten human parents.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

New York City, New York, USA

New York was the first real "big city" I had ever been to, and it was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I'll admit, I wasn't a huge fan at first — in fact, I really didn't like it, but New York is one city that seems to keep calling me back, and every new visit I make reveals a little more of its impressively unique character.

New York can easily overwhelm you with all the people, smells, and loud noises. It's a world where, for once, I feel "small." No one seems to notice the little hot dog darting between the feet of the crowd trying not to get stepped on.

Yet, as soon as someone yells "hot dogs for sale!" THEN OH — everybody notices!

Isn't this city supposed to be called the Big Apple? Where are all the heckin' fruit stands?

The most challenging part of New York is all the concrete. Being a country dog at heart, I still to this day cannot pee on concrete, and it was only very recently that I said **** it and began taking dumps on sidewalks. That took a lot of willpower, let me tell you, but once you're able to just pop-as-quat mid-stroll on your way to the park, it changes you. All the previous insecurities you had in life just go out the window (down the toilet?).

Mum and Dad took me onto the subway for my first time, where dogs are allowed if kept in a bag. I was a little skeptical as you can tell.

I would have preferred a private limo or something, but as Mum so blatantly told me after I said I didn't want to ride with the common folk, "Crusoe, we are common folk!"

I disagreed, but I felt it would be awkward to cause a scene in front of all the people I would be complaining about.

I figured the best way to get over it would be to strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger, you know, to engage with my fellow peoples; to get on their level. Plus, if I ever decide to pursue a career in politics, I'll be able to better appeal to the middle class by promoting the fact I once rode the subway.

"Excuse me, fellow rider of the underground public transportation system. Beautiful tunnel today, isn't it? Sorry to disturb your nap, but I couldn't help wonder what that wonderful aroma is coming from your paper bag?"

The guy looked at me straight and said, "It's a hot dog," and then gave me a creepy wink. My eyes widened in terrified shock! I quickly said "Oh" and turned away.

I knew I was right to be skeptical of the subway, and I knew these people were not to be trusted!

I made sure to watch him out of the corner of my eye for the rest of the ride. I had to admit though, I was shocked to look at my watch and see how quickly we'd arrived at our destination.

My accommodation was much more in line with my perceived stature; the corner room of the tallest hotel in all of North America, with a perfect view out over the entire Central Park? The things you get to enjoy for free when you're a celebrity ...

"You spoil us, Crusoe ..." Mum said while admiring the view.

I've even come to learn that it's not all just concrete here. A little squirrel-watching from a Central Park bench is a lovely way to spend a couple of hours.

Even strutting down Wall Street, dressed in my best suit and briefcase, no one noticed me. Although, perhaps as a wiener in a suit I blended in more than I knew?

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little bit resentful of how much harder it is to be noticed in this city. Then again, as Dad says, it's a healthy reality check for my ego to come here once in a while.

However, my most recent trip to New York City had quite an opposite effect.

We had come back to the city to attend the Shorty Awards ceremony, an award show for digital influencers, and supposedly I am quite "influential." *Ahem*

I arrived at the show and found myself walking the red teal carpet next to the likes of Bill Nye and Karlie Kloss and other television stars. I wasn't really surprised when the photographers asked Dad to hold me up and away for a clearer photo of me.

However, Dad being caught up in the moment, didn't realize he was being framed out of the photos, and was comically still smiling like a doofus for the cameras.

Poor guy. I wondered if I should tell him, but I figured I'd let him enjoy the moment.

Once we were seated at our dinner table, the announcer began the reveal for the "Best Animal" category. Our hearts nearly stopped ... "And the winner is ... Crusoe the Celebrity Dachshund!"

We couldn't believe it! We raced on stage, Mum holding me in her arms, Dad scrambling to remember his speech. "Don't screw it up, Dad!" I whispered.

I also couldn't help but realize, once back in our hotel room, that the "Shorty" Award is taller than I am. I'm not sure, but I feel like that must mean something. ...

I wonder if people will recognize me in the streets now? I guess we'll see, but for now this city has me feelin' tall.

CHAPTER 2

Life at Home

I might be a superstar of the digital world, but at home I live a pretty regular, low-key, even modest, type of life near Ottawa, Ontario.

In fact, when our harsh Canadian winter is almost upon us, it's not unheard of that I'll start burning furniture because Dad is too cheap to turn on the heat just yet.

I also do more chores than I should.

Like, I am way too famous to be seen meandering about a third-rate grocery store trying to find whatever the heck "two bunches of radicchio" is?! How about two bunches of this is ridiculous!

Plus, I always get recognized by people and then am forced to make awkward small talk about all the bananas in my cart.

Dad also says that if I want to stay warm during winter, I need to help him collect firewood.

He cuts the big logs, and I cut the small ones into kindling (chew sticks).

In fact, sometimes after several days of lumberjackin' it with Dad, I find I've grown a full man-beard! This is what hard work will do to you, kids!

Despite being very accustomed to big cities and bright lights, I'm a country dog at heart, and often escape to my weekend chalet up north in Quebec for some fun in the wilderness, like ice fishing or hunting for the infamous Sasquirrel (a cross between Sasquatch and squirrel). I've never seen one, but I see the tracks like all the time.

Every spring I help my Cousin Charles with the maple syrup production. My job is to sit in the bucket and make sure no thieves come around (hey, maple syrup is cutthroat business up here).

I'm usually shrunken and shriveled by the time morning comes around on those cold nights, but it's worth it for all the maple syrup I can eat!

As a Canadian pup, I'm very tolerant of the cold, and love playing in the snow.

The extra-cold weather up here makes sitting by a fire extra satisfying. Not to mention if you have your favorite ferret with you!

Spending time at my chalet is also nice because I get to visit my longtime friend and mother-figure Laffie. She's older now, but we still lead some great expeditions together. It's nice knowing she always has my back, too.

"Wait a second," I said, halting her in her tracks while out on a wintery walk one day. "Look up ahead, I think — could it be? It must be a Sasquirrel!"

CHAPTER 3

Grindelwald, Switzerland

I was udderly excited to visit Grindelwald, a region of Switzerland that feels so truly magical it's like something out of another world. Sitting on that stump, I looked out over the Valley of 72 Waterfalls. Plummeting over those cliffs are breath-taking waterfalls, cascading down into nothing more than mist.

I guess it's no coincidence that this place was the inspiration for J. R. R. Tolkien's Elvish city of "Rivendell" in The Lord of the Rings.

We spent much of our time hiking among the Alps, enjoying the fresh mountain air and gorgeous scenery. As always, I led the adventure, barely staying in sight of the group.

We often paused to admire the grazing cows in the mountain meadows. For the same reason as the cows wear them, Mum fitted me with a little bell so she could always hear where I was as I tromped freely and happily about.

However, the cows were a lot less endearing when they were blocking our passage along the road, shooting me sinister looks. Seriously! Dad even had to carry me while near them because they would become agitated seeing me walk about.

(I know I can cast a rather intimidating figure.)

We made it through unscathed, and as we climbed higher in the mountains I was delighted to see something I recognized — snow!

I had figuratively felt on top of the world many times before, but this was something else.

As we hiked our way back down, the humans incessantly complaining about their knees, Dad explained to me how the Swiss people consume the most cheese per capita, and that's what all the cows are for.

"Cheese?! Well, why didn't you say so!" So, I devised a clever disguise to infiltrate the herd, my mission being to find out where they keep the cheese and make off with as much of it as it as I could.

I made my approach, slow and lumbering while munching grass so as to blend in with the other cows. I was almost upon the herd when my stupid hat fell off and one of them spotted me. She came bounding toward me at full speed! I would have s*** my pants if I were wearing some, but luckily Dad swept in at the last minute to save me. *Phew*

I was pissed though, so yelled at the cow, "Forget cheese, I'll be eating plenty of liver treats from now on!"

Maybe cows don't like me. Whatever. I still had an incredible time in Switzerland; the mountains, wide open fields, and breathtaking scenery make it one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen.

CHAPTER 4

California, USA

Sunshine, warm weather, bikinis, popsicles, a dog-progressive attitude, and a hotspot for celebrities; California had my name all over it!

After arriving in the metropolis I'd heard so much about, Los Angeles, I was also very pleased to see Mum and Dad had finally reserved me a convertible instead of their usual donkey-cart of a rental car.

We pulled up to the hotel fittingly in style. I always love exploring my new hotel room.

The very first thing I had to do was visit my "Mecca," The Hollywood Sign. I got a good look at it, but with the sweltering heat that day we couldn't hike up close enough for a good pic.

While in the area, we headed over to the Griffith Observatory to enjoy a nice view of Los Angeles.

"Oh my!" I exclaimed as I looked through the telescope. "What a wonderful babe-watching invention this is! Sexy ladies, as far as the eye can see!"

"Okay, I'm putting you down now ..." Mum said.

"No no no —" but it was too late, I was on the ground. I later told Dad that we should install one of those on our balcony back home.

We then found our way to the Travel Town Museum in Griffith Park; a neat little place where you can learn about the history of LA and its roots in the railroad system.

The worker crew must have noticed my shovels-for-paws, for they asked me to come help them out for a bit.

I inadvertently put them all out of a job when I later overheard the manager saying he was going to replace the whole team with dachshunds. Can't blame him, though.

Next, I headed over to the Santa Monica Pier, where all the muscular, athletic, cool kids hang out on the boardwalk. I think I did a pretty good job of fitting in.

Before we could leave LA though, I had to do one last thing:

So, I guess it's official, I am the celebrity I always thought I was. A huge thanks to my fan who hand-crafted this for me.

It was time to continue our journey, and before long, we were cruising north on California's famous Highway 1 toward San Francisco.

At one particularly beautiful spot, we stopped for a break and a closer look.

Something in that moment felt special. You know, being "on tour," cruising the California coast in a convertible, happy and healthy, and all of us together. I needed a photo to commemorate the moment for the three of us to remember. And to post to my Instagram.

Continuing our drive, we paused at Paso Robles for the afternoon to finally visit some wineries. A dog's powerful sniffer makes us automatic sommeliers.

I took a hardy sniff.

Then I took a sip, swished it around in my mouth, then gave my evaluation. "The taste is long and full-bodied like my brother Oakley in his pajamas, the bite short and mild, like he just gave you a quick nip on the butt."

The wine maker looked at me incredulously for what felt like a long moment, then shook his head and walked away to help other customers. *Phew* I bull'ed my way through that one pretty well.

I was out of commission to continue the drive, as was Dad, so Mum took over while we napped in the back together for the rest of the evening. By the time I woke up again, it was the next morning and we were in the spectacular San Francisco.

After a nice walk on the beach by the Golden Gate Bridge, where Mum even applauded me for not taking my shirt off despite it being technically a nude beach, we headed over to the iconic Hyde Street cable car turnaround.

As Mum held me for a better look over the fence I observed, "Mum, this ride does not look very exciting. ... A children's merry-go-round moves faster than that thing."

"Crusoe, it's not an amusement ride," she replied. "It's just where the cable cars turn around so they can go back up the track. It's a piece of their history."

"Well, I'd still very much like to ride the history ride then."

*Ding ding* Away we went!

Well, it didn't go too fast, but I'll admit there was something magical about it. I almost felt like I was in a classic old film.

Another cool way to see the city and to especially learn about its history is to take the open-top vintage Fire Engine Tour. San Francisco has a long history "in fire," as earthquakes are common here, but it was the ensuing fires that were the problem. So, firefighters have always been a very important part of society.

When I asked if I could drive the truck, the guy said, "Whoa, wait a minute — aren't you that wiener dog that crashed his firetruck in that viral video?"

"No, no, that was not me," I reassured him. "That was my brother Oakley. Don't worry, his license has long since been revoked."

For the afternoon, we decided to just walk around the famous Fisherman's Wharf. "What is that strange sort of barking sound?" I asked as we approached the side of the pier. "And phew — that smell!"

That's when I saw them, piled up over each other on the docks, barking like madmen, and stinking up the place worse than the dumpster out back a fish restaurant.

My mind raced through the possibilities of what they could be until I settled on the most likely answer I could think of. "Are those ... Portuguese Water Dogs?"

"Yes, yes they are," Dad replied.

Strange. Not quite as I pictured them.

We ended our visit to San Francisco having dinner on Pier 39, enjoying the sunset as all the lights came on and illuminated the place with that magical feeling once again.

CHAPTER 5

Tulum, Mexico

Aside from the expected sombrero and poncho, you might be wondering why I'm standing next to a Volkswagen Beetle. Well, interesting fact — Mexico was the last place to manufacture the classic cars before they finally went off the line, and it's essentially become a piece of their cultural heritage!

So away we went, cruising down to Tulum, a place of beautiful beaches, ancient temples, amazing food, and a very respectable movement of eco-friendly boutique hotels.

The first day we hit the beach. Mum and Dad had barely walked two steps when they looked down at me and gasped.

"Crusoe, what are you doing?" Mum exclaimed. "You weren't even alive in 1999! And this isn't Cancun, no one wants to party —"

"I'm in!" Dad interrupted.

"Great!" I told him. "Now, grab yourself a beer and tell me what it was like in 1999 so I know what I'm in for!"

As Mum tromped away pretending like she didn't know us (this happens a lot lately), we felt bad, so followed her up to a quiet spot by the bushes where they laid out a beach towel. When they had finished putting out their things, they turned around to see me powdered in sand.

With towel pleasantly half-covered in sand, I stretched out liberally to begin my sunbathing, a pose that Mum and Dad cutely call "frog legs," or "chicken drumsticks," and sometimes, Mum even says I'm so cute that she could just "eat me up!"

(Continues…)


Excerpted from "Crusoe, The Worldly Wiener Dog"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Ryan Beauchesne.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Dedication,
Introduction,
New York City, New York, USA,
Life at Home,
Grindelwald, Switzerland,
California, USA,
Tulum, Mexico,
On the Farm(Oxford County, Ontario, Canada),
Vancouver, Canada,
Atlanta, Georgia, USA,
Dinner and a Movie,
Paris, France,
Dinosaur Provincial Park, Alberta, Canada,
Cinque Terre, Italy,
St. Lucia, West Indies,
Dr. Crusoe: Oakley Gets a Check-up,
Taormina, Sicily, Italy,
Chicago, Illinois, USA,
Tequila Farm, Yucatán, Mexico,
Smoky Mountains, Tennessee, USA,
Dr. Crusoe: Oakley Goes to the Dentist,
My Midlife Crisis,
Florida, USA,
Going Back to My Roots (in the Woods!),
Surgery & Recovery,
Letter to Laffie,
Banff National Park, Alberta, Canada,
New Orleans,Louisiana, USA,
Germany,
Rededication,
Afterword, by Dad,
Acknowledgments,
Also by Ryan Beauchesne,
About the Author,
Copyright,

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Crusoe, the Worldly Wiener Dog: Further Adventures with the Celebrity Dachshund 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 1 reviews.
roxanne wiederhoeft 3 months ago
Love the book!!!! love crusoe and his travels and videos!!!!! he is the greatest!!!