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De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

by Douglas E. Noll


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Discover how to successfully and efficiently calm an angry person or diffuse a volatile situation in ninety seconds or less with this proven and accessible peacekeeping method by self-described “lawyer turned peacemaker” Douglas E. Noll.

We live in an increasingly divided world and most of us have encountered our fair share of aggressive people and difficult confrontations. Fortunately, we now have the tools to become peacemakers and transform emotionally volatile situations and hurt feelings to calm, non-aggressive ones.

Tested on prison inmates, De-Escalate offers a new set of social listening and communication skills, based on the latest findings in neuroscience and meditation. Along with practical exercises and scenario-based examples, each chapter focuses on specific themes, such as dealing with emotionally charged teenagers and frustrated coworkers. Additionally, Noll shares practical tips on how to be civil in an uncivil society.

With De-Escalate, we can bring peace to all facets of life, cultivate healthier relationships, and participate in creating a more caring and compassionate future for us all.

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781582706559
Publisher: Atria Books/Beyond Words
Publication date: 09/12/2017
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 265,758
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.38(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA left a successful career as a lawyer to become a peacemaker. He is an award-winning author, teacher, trainer, highly experienced mediator, and co-founder of the Prison of Peace project. This has been the most profound peace training Douglas has conducted thus far in his career. Inmates who have gone through his program have learned and applied deep, empathic listening skills, leadership skills, and problem-solving skills to reduce violence in their prison communities. To learn more about Douglas visit him at

Table of Contents

Foreword Brit Elders xiii

Introduction xvii

1 The Secret Revealed 1

We Are Emotional Beings 4

The Secret to De-Escalating 9

Three Essential Steps 16

2 Affect Labeling in Action 23

De-Escalating Upset Children 24

Becoming an Empathic Listener 30

The Dangers of Emotional Invalidation 36

3 After Restoring the Calm, Then What? 43

The Range of Problem-Solving Possibilities 45

Results-Based Coaching 48

Creating Accountable Agreements 52

4 Minimum Coercion, Maximum Listening 63

De-Escalating Unresponsive Teens 64

Bullying 76

Fostering Peace Circles 80

5 The Art of Core Messaging 83

How to Core Message Effectively 84

De-Escalating Angry and Grieving Friends 88

Listening to Insults and Disrespect 93

6 Peacemaking in Relationships 99

De-Escalating Intimate Relationships 101

Listening and Problem-Solving with Your Partner 112

De-Escalating After Divorce 123

The Six Needs of Victims 127

7 Be an Affect Label Leader 135

De-Escalating at Work 136

The Nature of Leadership 156

8 The Power of Self-Awareness 159

Developing Emotional Intelligence 160

De-Escalating Yourself 166

The Transcendent State of Egolessness 168

9 A Master Skill for Teachers 173

De-Escalating in the Classroom 174

Listening to Students and Parents 177

10 How to Be Civil in an Uncivil Society 197

What Are Beliefs? 198

Listening to Polarized People 200

When Families Are Divided 209

Afterword 217

Acknowledgements 219

Notes 221

Additional Resources 225

About the Author 227

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