Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind

Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind

by Eli L Rich

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781452033112
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 04/26/2011
Pages: 172
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.40(d)

Read an Excerpt

Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind


By Eli L Riché

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Eli L Riché
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4520-3311-2


Chapter One

Wounded by Love

-As we all may be one day ... someday ... soon (My mother was never lying)

           Dear Momma.... A Letter to You


    Saw him die
yes it did kill me inside
    As much of an ass that he was
    I didn't want him to die because
    People can be fixed, you showed me that a long time ago
    But that car hit him and the Angel of Death said that he had to go
    I stood there mesmerized
    Looking into his hazel eyes
    And not once did I start to cry
    I thought what goes around comes back around five time harder ten times sharper
    And then I saw his tears as he reached for my hand
    The hand of his man, and still there is where I'd stand
    His fingers touched mine lightly and they started to shake
    I wanted that poor bastard to hyperventilate
    And I couldn't even think, that this would be his last day
    His last play of his last game
    I was such a jerk ... couldn't even help myself because I felt pain before, and
    I wanted him to feel it for himself
    But as soon as my mind got darker
    His brother ran past me and called the police and his private doctor
    Once the ambulance arrived, I sat beside my dying man
    And listened to him struggle to tell me something
    At first I didn't care, I was too fucking bitchy
    Then the heart machine had stopped and started, that shit was tricky it caught
    my attention and I looked into his eyes once more
    It hurt me badly because his tears did start to pour

    He said he was sorry for the way that he had treated me thus far
    And if he got patched up then he would change and be on par
    With me ... and how I treated him usually
    And I thought to myself ... almost musically
    That "if I stay ... I would only be in the way" but I didn't let his hand go
    And it was the first time that I said it ... the words came out so very slow
    "don't die on me, I'm glad you want to try to make things better," but once
    we got to the hospital ... he couldn't make things better
    He had moved on, and I was a dick on this last day
    So tell me momma, can you truly forgive me?

    Remember momma, that day you held me
    In late June, and told me that I should be happy
    I couldn't be myself because he hurt me
    A graduation and a reappearance by a deity
    Not trying to call him a god at all but he meant a lot to me
    But she said now come on E ...

    He was the first guy that I fell in love with
    Not that puppy dog love ... but real love like I was his bitch
    I was down for almost anything that he suggested
    Even if it was far out and a thought couldn't be manifested
    He took his time trying to get to know my body
    But my mind and spirit were first before he got on top of me
    I remember making love was like symphony
    With violins playing in the background of my heart's chest cavity

    The times we fought there was no real backlash
    Said he had to have me, even when he was being an ass
    Never let it get to the point of no return
    You know the point where your body and heart both just crash and burn
    I remember when he proposed to me that was the day that started this
    up and down tragedy
because I said no even though he meant more than
    life to me couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore ... afraid of what
    I'd see
    I died that day because he took a trip and didn't come back
    He didn't come back
    I died that day because instead of believing myself, I looked the wrong
    way
    I looked the wrong way ...
    Six months later, it's my high school graduation
    And almost like masturbation, I truly felt stimulation
    Not sexually but emotionally because a little to the right of you
    Was someone who was alright and cool
    He had returned and he asked me out to dinner
    We went to his apartment later on, and he grinned like he was a winner
    But I only went to tell him that we were completely done
    You can not block the moon with your sun ...

    So after hearing that, can you truly say you are still a lovely child
    Can you say you love me momma, even if I act savage and wild?
    Please tell me, cuz what I have to say next will shock you
    Tell me please what should I do ...

    Last but not least is the current situation that I got into
    With a best friend and someone who you been knew
    He was the best thing that walked into my life for a while
    Even when I had to hide my feelings of denial
    I had a crush and sometimes I acted so out of character back then
    I would get pissed just because of him being him
    But then I mellowed out and I became a brand new person
    And then one day, we hit it off, and things worsen
    Cuz we never truly thought about the cost
    And once we did everything was lost more for him than for me ... but I
    was still by his side
    And now everyday we begin each like a brand new tide
    We have our ups especially when we do things together
    Like taking pictures, shit divas look good without top hats and feathers
    Or going to movies, with his brother or our friends
    Just hanging out and who could forget clubbing
    But of course sometimes the moon is eclipsed
    And we begin to split like a child with a lisp
    We argue out our feelings and sometimes he may go overboard
    And I counter and then it feels like I hit a hardwood floor
    And I do wonder, where he truly stands
    He tells me ... aren't you my man?
    Then sometimes I am insecure not in my mind but my religion
    Feels like someone is driving another nail into a petition
    So I tell him and he asks me if I trust him ... that's not even a question
    So why this old selection or section of answers ...
    Its hard at times but I think we balance each other out
    Now was that what you were talking bout
    Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind

    When you told me I'd be happy, when you said don't shed a tear
    Even though I was selfish before, you'd say I'll have better years
    And you'd tell me that I would open my eyes
    One day from heaven, an Angel would fall right out of the sky
    Well I have him, and I just wanna grab him
    And tell him what he means to me ... even if he's already seen
    I know, that I may be more in love than where he's at
    But I ain't even mad at that
    Cuz if we get stronger than he's gonna feel just what I feel
    Or it could take longer because someone else will try to grab the wheel
    But if he's true to me, like I'm true to him
    Then mom, you were right.... it's my new beginning


         Interference

    My life is like a tic tac toe game when it comes to my feelings
    The ups are downs, and my ground has become an unstable ceiling
    Maybe I have asked for this, maybe I have decided to become something new
    Maybe that's why my eyes close and never re-open when I think of you
    When I think of the way you touch me, my skin shivers
    When I think of the way you kiss me, my lips perch up
    When I think of the way that you look at me, my vision becomes blurry
    And then I remember that you are my poison and my antidote
    When I think of the way that you love me, advantage point—you
    When I think of the way that I have patience, match point—you
    When I think of the way that I never leave your side, point, set and match—you
    And then I remember that in any game that we play, you will always win
    You own my heart in pieces and sometimes you put them together
    Sometimes you string them so slowly as if you never want them to break again
    You hold me, and love me tenderly as if I was a piece of steak
    A piece being cooked for the finest food tester in Italy
    And then at others you turn you're bloody eyes towards this meal and
    And ...
    And ...
    You forget that I am human, just like you
    You tear your claws into me with a ferocious animality that I have never seen
    Words are thrown, physical meets mental, and in less than one hour
    Our whole entire world is not like it was before
    So now I look, for a better day with you by my side
    So now I need, a better life with you being down for the ride
    So now I want, A ride that will last forever with you
    But I guess I'll just take what I can get for now ...

    Love, static, and interference


           Scared to Love

    He says he wants to protect me
    From dangerous things in life which he can not name but he knows they are
    there out there ... in the real world
    The world where drug dealers try to get me high on their perpetual lies
    DL thug niggas try to slip their dirty penises between these unwilling thighs
    The world that was created in six days with clear to dark skies
    Yet being real for a second, he can't catch all the tears I cry
    Sometimes shit happens, I mean really happens
    I might wake up on the wrong side of the bed with a craving for raw meat
    Introducing people to my lips, my house, my bed and my sheets
    Maybe they'll be gentle even though they don't even know my name
    My real name, not the one I cry when they hit a spot that sends my body into flames
    Can he protect me from giving in to these African like primal senses
    Can he really be the salty river that my body needs to start its cleanses?
    He loves me so, damn he loves me so
    I cried thinking about this, the first time that he told me out right
    When I go to sleep at night, its of him, that's whom I think
    For no other reason then the fact that I wonder if he's going to stand by me tomorrow
    If he knew ...
    All the deep dark secrets that I possess and can't illustrate as clearly as artist do
    I don't want him to walk away ... I really care for him in a way that hurts
    The only thing I can give right now besides my touch is my words
    I mean ... I can offer money or my body
    I can offer a car to pick you up and drop you off
    I can offer healing or a better touch when you need to get off
    But I'm more than sex, more than money, more than words, more than
          conversational topics
    He knows this better than a clock that told the minute to grab the second
    hand and stop it

    He's great, phenomenal, amazing, and a lover like no other
    Yet there's a fear in me that he'll slowly look for another
    To cook and clean, sew and steam, prepare his lunch for big boss meetings
    Sing Christmas carols at the office for holiday greetings
    I'm so afraid yet he gives me his hand
    Damn, not sure if that was written into or amended in this plan

    I guess I shouldn't be scared to love


           Soul Divided

    No luck
    No broken window to crawl into this time
    No glass or salt to grind into already open and bruised wounds these are the
    words of a soul that is divided

    No freedom
    No enter or exit that hasn't fought with my indecisions
    No wandering eye to examine every trap before my foot becomes stuck
    In quick sand that eats me rather then swallow me whole
    This is how it feels to be a soul that is divided

    No differences
    No bird to sing it's songs that are annoyingly heavenly
    No walls to limit an ego that is already plumped with fake meaning
    No remote to press pause on a life that moves fast every day
    No creepy in the dark alley that I witness, to much in-to fast
    This is the way of a soul that is divided

    No kisses
    No tender touches of lips that burn with passionate fires
    No torture involving tongues that speak multiple languages
    No tasting of salacious flavors that only the finest cooks know
    No biting gently on your entrance of divine pleasure and pain
    No answer for the abuse that you have brought me ...
    Your kisses get me off track ... wait, please bring it back
    Do you remember what it is like to kiss a soul that is divided?

    No touch
    No curious fingers creating chemistry on the side of my brown face
    No warm breath near the most outer regions of my sweet neck
    No arm that makes it's territory by grabbing me and keeping me near
    No automatic response that builds up within your body usually when I
          am here
    No heat from another and no covering up of my legs
    No more imaginations or pictorials of what I would be like in your mind
    How can you love a soul that is divided?

    No sexual pleasures
    No more of me touching on the very instruments that make you hum
    No more using my mouth to touch your toes, your hips, your chest or
          your tongue
    No more mazes in which my head gets lost for hours at a time
    No more light bulbs going off in my head before, I begin to work for mine
    No more mental fucks that feel like the real thing except your not cheating
    No more reaching a peak level of satisfaction off of my name in the
          midnight hour
    No more prolonging of something that no one else can get out of you
          but me
    Mmm ... can you still pleasure a soul that is divided?

    No more conversation
    No more tongue twisters and titty fucks that mentally compel me to jump
    No more pairing up of verbs and nouns or adjectives to make it sound pretty
    No more trying to understand or trying to comprehend much needed solutions
    No more phone calls to me whenever you have a situation that needs attention

    No more jealous ways from neither one of us about who we see or who
          we talk 2
    No more trying to find out where you have been by calling out your
    name, and receiving your answer
    No more loving the way that you create poetry out of the most tormented
          statements
    No more echo's when you reach out to cancel my negativity
    Why can't you be attracted to a soul that is divided?

    Can you still love me?
    Can you still give me everything that I only wanted from you?
    Can you get back down on your knees and tell me those things again,
    Only to break my heart into pieces of a million shards?
    Can you lay by my side on a mattress of solitude that supported both of us?
    Or sleep close to me and wish that everything did happen but was forgotten?
    Can you honestly tell me that you are now over me?
    Like Jennifer said, there ain't no way ... and I ain't going no where ...
    The reason why I feel chained to the wind and bound to the bottom of the
    sea, is because ... You could only say it ... but never truly love me
    Do you love this soul that is now divided?


           This is Love & Not Sex.... Isn't It?

    This is love ...
    He calls me to say more than just hello
    Conversation makes me happy and sad and so full of emotion
    He wipes the tears away when I cry, no river collecting here
    Embraces my cheeks when I leave, to increase the smile
    Then he kisses me
    Not just with lips and tongue but with breath and passion
    It's almost as if he is talking to me without sound
    And then he touches me
    Static raises the hairs on my neck and my arm and he smiles
    His body unites with mine and our universes collide ... softly then hard
    First he lays me on my back
    Tells me that this is the love position
    He gets to see my face
    He gets to look into my eyes
    He gets to be on top of the world
    But then he enters
    He fills me to a point of no return
    He smashes into me several times
    Bites me roughly on my neck
    Kisses become lustful and off center
    Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind

    His hands bruise my hips until they begin to turn colors
    He flips me over and he can no longer see my eyes
    But the back of my head looks enticing to him though
    He abuses me but I never tell him to stop
    Fuck its hurts dangerously
    Fuck it hurts aimlessly
    Its no longer as if he is trying to connect with me
    Now he is trying to get from point A to point B
    His straight line
    In a second, it's all over
    He spilled
    He moves back and kisses me gently on my neck
    Depending on the day he might just leave
    Today is such a day
    His clothes slip back on after he wipes himself clean
    Tells me he has work in the morning
    Then there is no conversation
    No connection of words
    Two days later, he calls me with a hello
    And the man who just abused me in sex
    Breathes love into my mind once again

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Deceased Thoughts From A Living Mind by Eli L Riché Copyright © 2011 by Eli L Riché. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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