Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets

Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets

by Claudia Black


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Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets by Claudia Black

Renowned lecturer, author, and trainer Claudia Black offers a comprehensive guide to healing and recovery for women whose partners are acting out sexually.

Pornography, cybersex, prostitutes, voyeurism, multiple affairs. No matter their "drug" of choice, men who act out sexually leave their partners reeling in fear, rage, incredible shame, and isolation.But there is hope.In Deceived, bestselling author Claudia Black offers women in relationships plagued by sexual betrayal the care and guidance to create a new path of clarity, direction, and confidence. Black uses stories of real women who have been through a wide variety of experiences to help readers develop the understanding and skills to:confront their partnersheighten their personal security by setting nonnegotiable boundariesavoid preoccupation with their partners' problemspractice forgivenesslet go of the uncontrollabletalk to their childrenmake positive changes derived from esteem and integrityDeceived teaches women how to proactively emerge from emotional isolation, shed secrets and shame, and discover their power to incite positive change in their relationships.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781592856985
Publisher: Hazelden Publishing
Publication date: 02/20/2009
Pages: 272
Sales rank: 557,183
Product dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Claudia A. Black, MSW, PhD, is a renowned lecturer, author and trainer internationally recognized for both her pioneering and contemporary work with family systems and addictive disorders. She designs and presents workshops and seminars, authors books and interactive journals, produces educational videos and consults to various healthcare programs in the United States and abroad. Dr. Black is currently the Clinical Consultant of Addictive Disorders for The Meadows and a Senior Fellow for the Meadows Institute in Wickenburg, Arizona.Dr. Black is the recipient of a number of National awards including the Marty Mann Award, the 1991 SECAD Award, and the NCA's Educator of the Year. She is also the past Chairperson of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, presently serving on their Advisory Board and most recently, in celebration of Al-Anon's 50th anniversary, spoke on Capitol Hill to members of Congress, constituents and representatives of various addiction and treatment organization.Black's books generate wide appeal. She is the author of It Will Never Happen To Me (two million copies sold and now in its 2nd updated edition), Changing Course, My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has A Disease, Repeat After Me II, It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood, The Anger Guide, Relapse Toolkit and her latest release, A Hole in the Sidewalk. Claudia has produced eighteen videos including her two latest, The History of Addiction and The Legacy of Addiction and just released two new CDs, A Time for Healing from Abandonment and Shame and Putting the Past Behind.

Table of Contents

Preface xi

Acknowledgments xiii

Introduction xv

Chapter One You Are Not Alone 1

Meet the Women of the Lodge 4

Therese 4

Vanessa 7

Jacque 10

Sara 15

Maite 19

Jenny 24

Moving On to Your Journey 27

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 29

Chapter Two In the Face of Truth 31

Denial: Protecting the Illusion 33

Fear and Manipulation 37

Denying, Minimizing, and Rationalizing 39

Preoccupation 42

Control 43

Image Management 45

Distorted Anger 48

Rage 48

Sideways Anger 50

Anger Avoidance 52

Chronic Grief and Loss 53

The Body Knows 56

The Impact of Stress 57

Stress and Serious Illness 59

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 62

Chapter Three His Behavior Is Not About You 63

The Addiction 64

The Behaviors 66

The Science of Addiction 68

The Addictive Cycle 69

Why Am I Not Enough? 73

Multiple Addictions 74

Depression and Anxiety 79

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 82

Chapter Four You Didn't Get Here by Accident 83

Abandonment 84

The Coaddict: Trauma Repetition 85

Sexual Messages 94

The Addict: Reenacting the Wound 98

Shared Codependency 102

Compartmentalizing 106

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 109

Chapter Five Learning the News 111

Disclosure 114

The Dribbling Effect 118

After Disclosure 120

Getting Tested for STDs 121

Being Sexual After Disclosure 123

Should I Stay or Should I Leave? 124

Making the Decision 126

Therapeutic Separation 128

Am I Crazy to Love Him? 131

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 132

Chapter Six What Do You Tell Your Children? 133

Children's Reactions 134

Rationale for Disclosure to Children 137

Appropriate Age 138

Healthy Disclosure 139

A Soft Approachto Disclosure 142

A Direct Approach to Disclosure 144

Recognizing the Complexity 145

Answering Their Questions 146

Ongoing Healing 148

Beyond Disclosure 149

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 152

Chapter Seven Your Time to Heal 153

Overcoming the Fear of Feelings 154

Recognizing Yourself in the Grief Process 157

How Long Will It Hurt? 160

Accepting Powerlessness and Recognizing Unmanageability 162

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries 166

Saying No, Saying Yes 169

Early Recovery Boundaries 170

Freeing Yourself from the Mental Frenzy 172

Building Trust 174

Your Sexual Relationship 176

Facing Relapse 179

Asking for Help 181

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 186

Chapter Eight Finding Your Serenity 187

Forgiveness 187

False Forgiveness 188

Forgiveness and Recovery 189

Self-forgiveness 195

Spirituality: Where Is Your God? 197

The Spiritual Path 202

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 206

Chapter Nine The Women of the Lodge 207

Therese 208

Vanessa 210

Maite 215

Jacque 218

Jenny 222

Sara 226

The Invitation 229

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 232

Recommended Readings 233

Helpful Resources 237

Notes 241

About the Author 245

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