Didactic Essays: From a piece of dark matter, somewhere in the Milky Way?
94
Didactic Essays: From a piece of dark matter, somewhere in the Milky Way?
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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781477276952 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 10/08/2012 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 94 |
| File size: | 350 KB |
Read an Excerpt
Didactic Essays
From a piece of dark matter, somewhere in the Milky Way?By Damon Dion Reed
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Damon Dion ReedAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4772-7699-0
Chapter One
Essay #1: Shhhhhhhhhh
"Aaaaaaamen good Lordie. Aaaaaaaamen have mercy." Oh, hi there. You caught me in the middle of one of those singing thoughts. How embarrassing. If you could see me right now, I'm turning bright red. I know this is only my third scientific book, but I should have known better than to start a book without a coherent thought, thesis, or non-thesis.
Whammy, the beginning of my book! I know you're impressed because I'm COMPLETELY shocked. Mostly because I have no clue as to where I'm going with all these words: Words to fill up pages, pages to fill up books, and books to fill up my shelves. WAIT. I don't have any shelves and I think that was my first micro-thesis: This is not TV because there is an abundance of words. Miniature brain fart on the micro-thesis? And now, a new paragraph.
I'm so excited. I'm on the third paragraph of my book and things are going quite dashingly, perhaps a little wordy, but mildly entertaining none-the-less. So where do I want to go with this paragraph, chapter, and book? Think Winnie the Pooh ... Think! Oh yes, science. I want to write a book about science, but I have all these tangential thoughts arcing out in every direction. WAIT. I'll call these words a collection of essays, thus hiding my absent mindedness. But, I also want it to sound intelligent to the archaeologists that might find this book. Ah ha, big words! Big words sound intelligent ... and confuse people. Ummmm, maybe that isn't such a good idea. Oh hell, I only write my third scientific book once. Anyway, isn't that what a glossary is for? On second thought, scratch that idea. It would be too much work to put in a meaningful glossary.
I will call this book: Didactic Essays from a piece of dark matter somewhere in the Milky Way. Wait, that is in the past because I already titled this book as such. Déjà vu. Pardon my French. It is almost as if one has to write a book to come up with the title. Thankfully, all that is in the past ... I think. Let's look towards the future and the words that I'll have to think up, jumble together, and punctuate improperly. Words that I'll have to define, redefine, and make rhyme. NOT.
Okay. Paragraph four. I know I'm about to say something intelligent, something profound. I mean, I did use the word didactic, which means scholarly. And, I alluded to science and dark matter ... Ooooooo Mysterious! Something intelligent is on the tip of my tongue. Tip of my tongue? What a silly adage. Boo-yah, big word number two! I'm on a role now. Hold on a second. If you're thinking that adage means proverb, then I probably sound like a bone-head. But let me assure you that I looked up the word saying in the Oxford Dictionary and adage was a synonym. And you know what else? I'm not going to reference it because definitions change, all dictionaries are NOT the same, and the people who pick the words for the Graduate Record Examination (GRE) need some tranquilizers. More specifically, the GRE people need some anal-suppository tranquilizers. And with that, I bring paragraph number four to a gentle, butt roaring close. (FYI, that was a malapropism.)
You know how I said, "Tip of my tongue?" Well, what I meant to say is this: "Tip of my neural synapse." As to which neural synapsis, I can't remember. But wait, how am I supposed to remember which neurotransmitter I used if I'm supposed to come up with something new/unique/original? Where do those neurotransmitters come from and what-the- hell is a synapse? Ha, I tricked you! Yeah me! I mean, sorry. You probably thought there wasn't any intelligence left in me, which is probably true. In any event, your mother and I have noticed that you've been using your brain and we think it is time we had The Talk. LOL, I'm sorry. If you're reading for continuity, then the statement "your mother and I" made very little sense. I just thought it sounded funny.
The Talk: There is this gray-mushy thing between your ears that squishes out stuff (neurotransmitters) into certain places (synapses) where other things (nerve cells) suck them up faster than you can blink an eye. Not only does your brain squish and squirt, but what you EAT plays a big part in how your brain squishes and squirts. Here is an adage for all of that: You are what you eat. WAIT. That doesn't really fit the paragraph. How about this: What you EAT affects how you think? I know that it's NOT as catchy, but intelligence doesn't seem to be contagious (GRE word #4).
"On the road again, I can't wait to be on the road again!" Lyrics by a really famous dude, but I can't remember which synapse I stored his name.
I'm so happy to be back in the saddle slinging words to the right, down 1.5 spaces, and then to the left. It's like a dream come true, except I'm completely cowed by zealots (GRE words 5 & 6). So be weary my friends. The first rule of Word Club is: Visualize Peas. The second rule of Word Club is: Visualize Peas. The third rule of Word Club is: Don't let the cows out! Apparently it takes a long time for the cows to come home because someone made an adage for it: When the cows come home. Ok, mental song break.
"Who let the cows out ... Moo, moo, moo! Who let the cows out?" Wait, am I the only one who sings this song?
All right. Before I started this paragraph, I chafed my hands together, blew on my fingertips, and said a little prayer. I can feel those neurotransmitters a squishing and a squirting. I'm on the brink of an idea, but I don't know where to start. I mean, I want to write a book about science with a ton of big words, but I don't want it to be arduous (GRE word #9). I guess I'll just start with some big words and go from there.
But wait! Don't flip to the next essay just yet. I have more words for you to read, absorb, and then say to yourself: "Ok, this word thing is getting annoying."
I completely agree. It's fucking invidious! (GRE word #10 is invidious, not fucking.) I'm sorry for NOT using a euphemism (GRE word #11), but I really want you to stop reading (NOT YET!), flip to the glossary (Just kidding, that won't help you.) and READ the definition of invidious. Ok go, I'll wait. (Insert Jeopardy music here.) Are you back yet? Hello? I said I was only kidding. There's NO meaningful glossary! Oh, there you are. So what do you think? Am I right-on or what? The words we use to communicate (Not a GRE word.) can cause us to build walls metaphorically and physically.
"Gorbachev, tear down this wall" - and we'll make millions selling little pieces to tourists. Okey-dokey, now I have to apologize to all the Reagan fans. Sorry?
Do you see the problem here? (Yeah, I know there wasn't a transition from the last paragraph, but do we always need such frivolous words between thoughts?) The words we use to communicate can be defined one way or another, redefined, interpreted, and used as motor to build walls, which can eventually be torn down and sold for pennies on the dollar.
Here's another adage: It's all about the money.
Shhhhhh! Before you say anything, think about the words you use! (BTW, that was a cant, which is GRE word #n+1)
Chapter Two
Essay #2: Song : Sentence ::______ : ______
Germinate ... Gerontocracy ... Gerrymander ... Oh hi there. If you haven't noticed, I've been studying for the GRE because it is one heck of a test. Did you know that factitious means artificial or sham? Yeah, that one was a shocker to me too? If you're wondering why the preceding sentence had a question mark, it was because I felt like it? Anyway, another thing about words is that they are often factious or cause dissension. But none of this really matters because we just want to learn enough to pass the test, get the grade, get the job, get a beer, get a promotion, get a vacation, and get laid ... right?
On the GRE there are these really cool questions called analogies, which is comparable to the GRE word analogous. First, the people who wrote the test give you one word that can be defined a couple different ways. Then you have to find out how the first word correlates to the second word, which can also be defined a couple different ways. Finally, you're supposed to pick the pair of words that have the same type of correlation when you USE the test-maker's definitions. Needless to say, I get word induced aphasia when I look at them. Therefore, I made up an analogy to practice. By the way, the analogy questions are read as such: Song is to Sentence as _____ is to _____?
Song : Sentence :: ______ : _______
A) Ennui : Gregarious
B) Febrile : Herpetologist
C) Fatuous : Jingoist
D) Droll : Sanctimonious
E) Turd-burglar : Neologism
Let me delineate you a picture. If you think delineate means portray, then the preceding sentence made a little sense. If you think delineate means depict, then you get a slight descry of what the sentence is trying to depict. And finally, if you think delineate means sketch, then you get into graduate school if and only if you can correctly guess the meaning of the other words, their correlation, and eliminate the inappropriate choices based on their variable definitions. It's nothing to deride about, especially when you have twenty-nine other questions to answer in thirty minutes. Ok, mental song-break.
"Automatic Booty. Zero to tutee fruity!" Beck song quote.
Are you better now? Me too? But, I wonder who gets the hard or easy tests. I mean, you have to pre-order the GRE, give a butt-cheek impression, and submit a written affidavit stating that you've never nettled anyone in your life. All of which, means someone somewhere is deciding who gets the hard or easy test. Maybe the people with the second letter of their middle-last name between 'A' and 'C' get the easy test. In which event, DUH! (DUH is not a GRE word. I just like underlining things.)
If you're still wondering what the answer was to my practice analogy, wait no longer. The answer is simple. If you know that ennui means boredom, droll means amusing, febrile means feverish, fatuous means brainless, gregarious means sociable, herpetologist means the study of reptiles, jingoist means a war-like chauvinist, sanctimonious means devoutness, and neologism means a newly coined word, then Song is to Sentence as Jingoist is Fatuous. (FYI, the previous words were used in the same order to define the same symbols arranged in the same order in the GRE book I was reading, except for turd-burglar. That was a neologism? Please draw the appropriate correlation to the GRE book referenced later in this book.)
Are you obfuscated? I know that my logic may be a little oblique, but any ostentatious ornithologist can see that I'm just trying to learn new words by writing Mad Libs! By the way, did you know that Lib is colloquial for liberation and Mad is colloquial for silly? Silly Liberation?
Now that I have all that silly liberation out of the way, enough big words to appease any intellectual (Sadly not a GRE word.), and have completely annoyed everyone else, I think it is time for some ratiocination. If you're not annoyed by all these big words or don't consider yourself an intellectual, then you should give yourself an intellectual promotion for waging through them. If you are an intellectual and are vexed by such moderately priced intellectualism, then rebuke yourself and go to the corner. As for me, my repartee is this: Why can songs mutter words that sentences dare not contain? Are songs superior to sentences? Or, do sentences lack good oscillations? And finally, who sings that song?
Chapter Three
Essay #3: Talking to Books
Talking to books used to be one of my idiosyncrasies; however now I just think at books and everyone seems happier now ... except for the books. I don't know how they feel. I guess it is better than laughing at a book. None-the-less, how does one write bombastically? Am I doing it write now? Was that a malapropism? Nope, I mix those words up all the time. And here's one final note before I actually start this essay:
"To whom it may concern,
On page 189 of Barrons 2008 GRE test preparatory book, there is a definition missing. For a moment, I thought martinet meant "no talking at meals." Thankfully, I looked it up elsewhere and it means "strict disciplinarian." Please reference the reference I just referenced and make sure to correct it on all subsequent editions.
Sincerely yours,
Someone who is about to masticate, my lunch of course."
Okay, where were we before that ungainly verboseness interrupted our conversation? Ah yes, words. I was trying to be urbane with words in order to venture toward the fundamental question: Are we really any different? Aside from the minuscule anomalies in our pensive genetic genealogy, we're the propellant of the future, which is now the past ... or something like that. Let's not be so punctilious.
"The positron is connected to the proton, which is connected to the neutron, which is in the atomic nucleus." Scientific song break.
I've decided to sing all my scientific postulates because they are too bothersome in the written form. In the written form, they exist in the non-existent category of scientific satire. Therefore, I'll just going to sing my scientific postulates instead. How about this:
"One little, two little, three little positrons!" Scientific-satire song break.
Damn it, that doesn't have a good ring to it. Now I'm at a loss. I want to educate; however nobody wants to read about science anymore, and I have no musical talent. I tried the guitar, but I lack that ability. I pound on the piano sometimes, but that isn't music. I guess the only thing I have left is words. Words that I type, send out into the world, and hope that people don't take them the wrong way, get angry at me, each other, or anyone else.
I want to write words that make people smile. I want to write words that make people feel happy. I want to write words that bring us together and not tear us apart. But enough with all that mushy sentimental stuff. Let's talk about something else.
Chapter Four
Essay #4: Beyond Reason
I finally took the GRE ... Whew! I blew chunks on the verbal section! All of which, means that I'm not trying to learn anymore big words ... Yeah! So how are you-all doing? I've been so busy preparing for the GRE that I forgot about you and science. Actually, I was going to write a whole essay about desensitization, American media, and how we all ignore the world to some extent, but I decided against it. Actually the more I think of it, the less motivated I am to write. I mean, what good is another string of verbs and nouns in comparison to what you were taught as a kid? It is not like you're going to jump out of your seat and say:
"I'm going to change my life! Where's the closest vending machine!"
On the off chance you do get that feeling, could you please get me a Hershey's candy bar?
Now that I've started another essay with nothing to say, I guess I should get busy saying it. Actually, I wrote a short book titled Ham Semantics, but now I don't feel like sharing it. I mean, after pondering the contents a little more, the propagation of thought along the venue of quantum mechanics will simply result in lasers that can destroy protons, which is NOT what any of us want? So, I'm stuck pondering things that are beyond reason, which isn't reasonable. Therefore, I'm going to study something useful until I find a reason worth writing about.
Actually, scratch that idea. I just remembered what I wanted to say: Daaaaaaark Maaaaaatter! Dark matter is that scary stuff that exists in every other part of the universe but NOT in this solar system. WAIT. How is that possible? Did we scare all the dark matter out of this solar system? I'm so confused. Excuse me while I UN-confuse myself. Actually, that made everything more confusing.
So there is this stuff called dark matter that can't be seen and exists in EVERY solar system except this one. At least that is what the theorists say. But this is what I say: "Bad theorist, bad theorist!" Now that I'm back on track, relatively speaking, let's talk about DARK MATTER. You see, no matter how wonderful the idea of dark matter might be in explaining away theoretical inconsistencies, it is highly UN-likely that our solar system forgot to pick up dark matter at the galactic grocery store: Dark Matter isle seven next to the string.
I know that most of you are probably scratching your noggin, but there is no need. It is quite simple. If we define dark matter as MATTER that does NOT release light, then take one step to the left, one step to the right, and then repeat. Now a piece of dark matter is doing the cha-cha! Yes, you've got it! Hold that thought ... hold it ... You're a piece of dark matter. Also, that was a pop-culture reference to the movie entitled Real Genius.
Now I'm sure that some smart-bootie will say that everyone is releasing infrared radiation as well as butt sound waves, but let's be honest. Unless there are Navy SEALS with very powerful night-vision goggles in our back yards, then we are all considered as galactic dark matter. Hold on a second. Okay, I don't see any Navy SEALS in my back yard. Navy SEALS, Navy SEALS, ah right there. Sorry, I had to check "Navy SEALS in my back yard" off my list of things that would freak me out. Not because Navy SEALS are freaky, but because their existence in my back yard would be freaky.
With all that said, let's have a nice big pity party! All those people who were able to sleep at night because there was NO dark matter in OUR solar system, are going to FREAK OUT!
"Ahhh! The sheets are dark matter! Ahhh! The pillows are dark matter! Ahhh! That person sleeping next to me is dark matter! Oh the horror, the HORROR!" Freaked out person.
Should someone get them a glow in the dark tissue? Wait, would things be a whole-lot weirder if everything was completely luminous?
Well, that was an interesting essay. I'm not sure what there is to talk about, let alone if there is anything at all to talk about. Oh yeah, one other word I wanted to use was SPOONERISM. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a good way to be humorous about it.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Didactic Essays by Damon Dion Reed Copyright © 2012 by Damon Dion Reed. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Essay # 1: Shhhhhhhhhh....................1Essay #2: Song : Sentence :: ______ : ______....................6
Essay #3: Talking to Books....................9
Essay #4: Beyond Reason....................11
Essay #5: The Benjamin Button Theory....................14
Essay #6: Piece of the Puzzle....................24
Essay #7: Gravity....................32
Essay #8: Hysterical Electrons....................49
Essay #9: Quanta Dynamics....................56
Essay #10: The Sparkle of Darkness....................59
Essay #11: The Tower Perspective....................61
Essay #12: Do NOT Tilt!....................63
New Age Adages and Addendums....................65
Glossary....................81
References....................85