Do Unto Others: 1000 Hilarious Ways to Screw with People's Heads

by Justin Heimberg, David Gomberg

Overview

From the authors of Would You Rather, comes Do Unto Others, A Life's Little Instruction Book for those looking to add a little lunacy to their lives.With over 1,000 off-the-wall things to do in over 50 locations (churchs, shopping malls, public bathrooms, etc.), Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg have created a laugh-a-minute guide to disturbing and disgusting those around you.

Here are some sample suggestions:

Things to Do During a Job Interview
--Answer all questions in interpretive dance
--If they ask...
"So Where Are you From?"
You answer...
"I'm probably the creation of some insane wizard."

Fun Things to Do in a Mall
--At the bookstore, hang out in self-help section, hit on vulnerable women.
--Offer to pay for things in
a) pennies b) acorns c) "tales of adventure"

From the outlandish to the absurd, Do Unto Others covers all the bases of how to make the most out of mundane situations.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780312274337
Publisher:	St. Martin's Publishing Group
Publication date:	07/07/2000
Sold by:	Macmillan
Format:	eBook
Pages:	144
File size:	164 KB

About the Author

Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg are the esteemed authors of Would You Rather... and Would You Rather 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Justin Heimberg is an esteemed co-author of Would You Rather... and Would You Rather 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Read an Excerpt

Do Unto Others

1,000 Hilarious Ways to Screw with People's Heads

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By Justin Heimberg, David Gomberg

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2000 Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-312-27433-7

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CHAPTER 1

27

Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall

"Welcome to Circuit City, where service is state of the art."

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

A trip to the mall can be an unbearable experience. Long lines, over-friendly sales clerks, and hordes of whining children can take their toll. But malls don't have to be so grueling. There are plenty of ways to entertain yourself in these temples of consumption.

1. Go to Supercuts, ask them to "take a little off the stomach."

2. At Blockbuster, replace the movies in "staff recommendations" with low-budget drive-in movies and hardcore pornography like Hot Resort, Sizzle Beach USA, and Ebony Humpers 6.

3. Start scuffle in Foot Locker, try to get salesman to give you a technical.

4. At Barnes and Noble, hang out in self-help section, hit on vulnerable women.

5. Try to grate cheese using an escalator.

6. When department-store employees spray you with perfume/cologne sample, scream "I'm melting. ... I'm melting. ... So much pain ... Death is welcome ..."; crumple to ground.

7. At Abercrombie &&&; Fitch, badger other customers with lengthy explanations as to why Abercrombie is far superior to Fitch; distribute propaganda.

8. Go to Kmart, buy absurd combinations of things that arouse cashier's imagination. Examples: a) a calculator, some glue, and a jar of olives b) a hamster, a fork, and some paprika c) pack of thumbtacks, a menorah, and a bottle of vodka.

9. Offer to pay for things in a) pennies b) acorns c) "tales of adventure."

10. Set up book-signing table, claim you are Art Buchwald. If you choose, write delusional and threatening notes in book copies, e.g. "The infidels shall be quashed," "Cower to my genius," and "I shall shower nougat upon your first born."

11. Stroll through toy store with electronic "Simon" in pants, watch customers' confusion.

12. Go to TGI Friday's, order a table for two. Insist that Steve Guttenberg will be joining you; feign heartbreak when he doesn't show up.

13. Ask news shop if they have the latest edition of Inhaler Aficionado.

14. Try on biker shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror scrutinizing fit, often eliciting sales clerk's opinion.

15. Teach pet-store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."

16. Set up soap box in arcade, preach and rant about "Pinflation—the unnecessary increase in pinball scores"; blame Germans.

17. Go into Victoria's Secret, hand clerk sexy lingerie, tell her, "You look about my girlfriend's size. Could you try this on?"

18. Do the same thing, but say, "You look about my mom's size."

19. Do the same thing, but say "You look about Jack Sikma's size."

20. Go to piercing shop, ask them to pierce your pancreas.

21. At Barnes and Noble, fake like you're speed-reading Dostoyevsky at an absurd rate. Nod and chuckle occasionally.

22. Do the same, but pretend that you can comprehend the words simply by sniffing them.

23. Walk up to someone and "recognize" them as Carrie Fisher. Insist on getting an autograph.

24. Try to make mall cops laugh, as though they were members of England's Royal Guard.

25. Try to make them cry.

26. Open all jars of tennis balls, inhale fumes, tell people in a giggly slur that "Sport's Authority is so much better if you're stoned."

27. Take large, cumbersome, awkwardly shaped objects to department stores to be gift-wrapped. (Examples: stack of firewood, an inflated blow-up doll, a live mallard.)

5

Things to Do at McDonald's

If the mall is symbolic of the state of America, then McDonalds is its capital. Here are a few ways to make your Happy Meal even happier.

1. Try to get pickle slices to stick on ceiling in patterns of constellations.

2. Tell cashier you are sexually attracted to Grimace, bashfully ask if he/she could set you up.

3. At the drive-thru, ask for a) a Slurpee b) some buttermilk and sprinkles c) information regarding the whereabouts of "the General."

4. Recite in monotone, with glazed eyes, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, onion, on a sesame seed bun. Must kill president."

5. Narrate actions like superhero. "Must get fry ... dip in ketchup ... distribute evenly ..."

31

Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview

"Everybody's workin' for the weekend."

—William Shakespeare

Perhaps the most stressful and demeaning part of the whole "getting a job" thing is the infamous job interview. Keeping in mind that not all of us can make a living writing these read-it-and-wipe gimmick books, we have provided a few ways to "maintain your dignity" during that inevitably trying ordeal. If things aren't going well, or if you suddenly realize that you are violently unqualified, then why not at least have a little fun with the interview? Why should you be the only one who is uncomfortable?

1. When interviewer goes to shake your hand, suddenly pull it away, rub through hair, and slyly say, "Psych."

2. Use the term "apeshit" as much as possible.

3. Wear acids washed jeans.

4. Converse in a) a heavy Cockney accent b) semaphore, (flags) c) several sharp blows to the stomach which vary in power and location.

5. In the middle of a sentence, gasp in trailing voice, "Feeling sleepy ... Must get antidote ... Need-anti ..."; then fall unconscious.

6. Quote Rommel a little too often.

7. Submit resume and personal essay in haiku.

8. If he/she gives you anything to read, immediately consume it.

9. If they ask, "So where are you from?" You answer, "I'm probably the creation of some insane wizard."

10. Yawn into hand, plunge hand into pocket and say, "I'll save that for later."

11. Ask interviewer to join you in a duet of "Summer Lovin' ". If he/she refuses, do both parts.

12. Periodically take off your shoes and smell your feet.

13. On job application, under criminal record, write: Arrested for a) indecent display of plaid b) obscene use of an overhead projector c) stalking the Golden Girls.

14. Act out Robert De Niro's famous "Are you talking to me?" scene from 'Taxi Driver.'

15. Act out Sharon Stone's infamous leg-crossing scene from 'Basic Instinct.'

16. Act out Michael J. Fox's obscure basketball scene from 'Teen Wolf.'

17. If they ask, "What are your hobbies?" You answer a) cabbage stacking b) ghost-writing hate mail to midgets c) summer: sorcery; winter: indoor sorcery.

18. Avoid eye contact; invariably stare at his/her a) hair b) chin c) left hand d) crotch.

19. Turn armchair around, straddle it casually.

20. Talc.

21. Tell interviewer to "hold on a second," then pull out a minicorder and say softly into it: "Idea for story. Tightass corporate type falls for unqualified interviewee...."

22. Answer all questions in interpretive dance.

23. When he/she first addresses you, say, "That's my name, don't wear it out!"; chortle uproariously.

24. If they ask, "Why do you think you're qualified for this job?" You answer by a) unzipping your pants b) placing a two-pound lobster on the desk c) saying "Uh ... right ... credentials," looking around with a nervous smile, and then diving out the window.

25. When interviewer isn't looking, quickly swap his/her family photos with pictures of the cast of 'Good Times.'

26. Enter to Tone Loc's "Wild Thing." Initiate suggestive grind with the interviewer, if you so desire, add narration such as "Dat's it. Bump n' grind ... real slow."

27. Try to always return conversation to Joanie Loves Chachi. For example, "Yes that's very interesting about the investment strategy, but if I might cite an episode of Joanie Loves Chachi ..."

28. Relentlessly bitch about how the Belgians are taking all our jobs.

29. Call interviewer "Daddio."

30. Inform interviewer that your personal statement is written on your inner thighs.

31. Consume a half dozen jalapeños before the interview. Wear long underwear and several layers of clothes and do anything you can to induce as much sweating as possible.

12

Things to Do When You're the Boss

Being at the bottom of the corporate food chain isn't the only place to have fun. Here's yet another chapter on the subject of effective management, "effective" being the operative word.

1. Institute "Casual Friday," "Hot Pants Thursday," and "Pimp-garb Tuesday."

2. Wear a monocle.

3. Wear two monocles.

4. Wear sixteen—seventeen monocles.

5. Post huge Big Brother-like photos of yourself on all walls.

6. Post huge Big Brother-like photos of Wilfred Brimley on all walls.

7. Spend most hours of the day working on Cab Calloway impression. Get worse each day. Need encouragement.

8. Stock the supply closet with mysterious smoking boxes, canned ham, and unpackaged rice.

9. Hire team of people to dress up like Elijah Mohammed's bodyguards and form a protective phalanx around you. Have them shout things like "Tell it!" and "What he said!" after each of your comments during a presentation.

10. Wear white gloves, strike a permanently frantic expression, and mutter ceaselessly about "The germs! The evil germs!"

11. Make employees put their heads down as punishment like teachers used to do in school.

12. Have centralized radio playing the same thing all day long: a) Iron Maiden b) a tape of a wet hacking cough c) Maoist propaganda speeches.

32

Divinely Disturbing Things to Do to End a Relationship

"Love Hurts. Oooh, Love huuuuurts. "

—Alexander Pope

According to senator Paul Simon, there are fifty ways to leave your lover: "Slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; use effective rhetoric, Frederick; hitch a ride on a blimp, Jim(p); etc. And when you don't restrict yourself to methods that rhyme with your name, there are plenty more ways to get rid of that special someone who isn't that special anymore. All you need to do is develop a charming little quirk, predilection, or peeve.

1. Become all-consumed with building a perpetual-motion machine, explode in a fury when she/he questions your new "hobby."

2. In the heat of passion, accidentally call her "Mary Lou Retton."

3. Develop an offensive and irrational prejudice against the Dutch. Be vocal about it in public places.

4. Anniversary gift? One of those big foam hands that says "You're # 1."

5. Develop new terms of endearment: "Schnookyballs," "Ass-face 3," "Mein Führer," and "My Loyal Minion."

6. Regularly omit the "rinse" portion of the "lather, rinse, repeat" shampoo sequence.

7. Constant off-key serenades of Gloria Estefan's "Conga."

8. Talk openly about your fantasies: a) a three-way with Adrian Dantley (all of you wearing nothing but knee-high tube socks) b) watching her/him fondle a tortoise c) a Donkey Punch from the Phillie Phanatic.

9. Insist on new homemade birth control: An English muffin with several strands of Scotch tape radiating from the center.

10. Erect a candle-lit shrine to Alan Thicke. Casually refer to him as the "Greater Power."

11. If she asks, do you love me?" You answer: a) I love the idea of you b) I love your genitals c) I love the way I am with you. And without you. d) I love me. I am great!

12. Get a full torso tattoo of a) Mel Torme b) the quadratic formula c) your inner organs.

13. Administer Rogaine to nipples and palms.

14. Three words: wet hacking cough.

15. Three more words: Ralph Sampson fetish.

16. Seven more words: construct a lamp shade of pubic hair.

17. Tirelessly propose romantic ground-beef baths.

18. Tell her/him that he/she's not dating you but rather "Jesus through you."

19. Keep getting her confused with former Baltimore Oriole Lenn Sakata. As in "Were you the one I had dinner with last night or the versatile utility man for the 1983 World Series team?"

20. Start to leave out a) empty liquor bottles b) hamsters c) Plumpers Magazine d) a molted skin shell of yourself.

21. Give up utensils for "religious reasons."

22. Nickname your penis.

23. Nickname other people's penises.

24. Fake orgasm. (On the subway.)

25. Find an "old favorite" shirt, a lime green tee that says "I said sit on my face!" with a picture of a woman defecating on a man's face to his horror/frustration.

26. Insist on all vacations in a) Meade, Kansas b) your neighbor's yard c) your favorite shirt.

27. Become inexplicably irate at the sight of toast.

28. Leave the toothpaste cap off (and covered with blood).

29. Leave the toilet seat up (and covered with blood).

30. Alter your musical tastes from soft contemporary pop to violently loud ancient Gaelic ritual chants.

31. Tell her you're attracted to both her parents.

32. New cologne/perfume preference: zesty salsa.

5

Things to Do When Meeting the In-Laws for the first Time

If none of those work, there are chances down the line to ruin a relationship ...

1. Act disinterested in anything one of them has to say, and enthralled with the other. When the "boring" one speaks, make the yapping gesture with your hand and/or break into the theme song from All in the Family.

2. Offer housewarming gift: a) a live goose b) the deed to a fictional ranch in Montana c) eight empty milk cartons on a piece of twine (offer no explanation of what this is).

3. Demand a dowry, laugh with them as if you all think it's a joke. Then reiterate, "No seriously, where's the dowry?"

4. Nod politely as you are told something and then say, "That's interesting, uh ..." And then double barrel middle fingers at the speaker.

5. Use the phrase "skull-fuck" more than one might expect. Use it as various parts of speech.

24

Beautifully Blasphemous Things to Do in Church

"Maybe we're wrong about this whole God thing. "

—John 8:15

Whether your denomination be Catholic (the religion of guilt), Protestant (the religion of repression), or Unitarian Universalist (the religion of arts and crafts), church has one thing in common: It's boring. But you can do something about it. In fact, there are many things you can do about it. True, some of these things may not be in the best of taste, and if it turns out that religion is actually important, heaven's bouncer, St. Peter, is going to kick your irreverent ass right out of the Pearly Gates and you may be looking at some serious purgatory. But hey ... God is supposed to be forgiving, right?

1. Ask priest for low-fat communion wafer.

2. Giggle like a schoolgirl any time the priest or minister mentions moral "duty."

3. Inflate/pass out presermon beach ball.

4. Replace organ music with "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.

5. Fart, claim it wasn't you, but rather "Jesus working through you."

6. Pencil in a "Malone" next to each "Moses" in the Bible.

7. After minister quotes from the Bible, say in real sarcastic tone, "Yeah, right." Or "I'm sure."

8. Mispronounce "God."

9. Ask person sitting next to you, "How many hit points do you think Jesus had?"

10. Claim you have found God, then bring in a shackled Nipsy Russel.

11. Human beat-box during hymns.

12. Quote fake Bible passages (e.g. "There are no time-outs in the world of professional wrestling"—Shemp 3:23).

13. Start the wave.

14. Shout out to choir "Do 'Free Bird,' do 'Stairway to Heaven,'" act like this joke is the most original and brilliant thing any one has ever done, then realize how trite it is, hide face in shame; move to the forest, adhering together a home from strewn malt-liquor cans and your own bile.

15. Use rosary beads like Mardi Gras beads.

16. Claim you are the second coming of the messiah, then perform second-rate magic tricks to prove it.

17. Startle priest with bizarre confessions: a) impure thoughts about Wolf Blitzer b) bad spelling c) maligning Dwight Eisenhower to a moose.

18. Stage-dive.

19. Exhale a tired "When is the friggin' monologue gonna be over?"

20. Replace Bibles with copies of Manute Bol's biography.

21. Call minister a) Rabbi b) Your Honor c) Mr. Roboto.

22. After minister concludes sermon, yell out a scornful, "What do you want, a biscuit?"

23. Wear uncomfortably revealing jean shorts.

24. Sneak into confession booth, pose as priest, tell penitent to do three Hail Marys, ten Rosaries, fifteen push-ups, and to watch the Connonball Run movies twice in a row.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Do Unto Others by Justin Heimberg, David Gomberg. Copyright © 2000 Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Title Page,
Epigraph,
Introduction,
27 Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall,
5 Things to Do at McDonald's,
31 Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview,
12 Things to Do When You're the Boss,
32 Divinely Disturbing Things to Do to End a Relationship,
5 Things to Do When Meeting the In-Laws for the first Time,
24 Beautifully Blasphemous Things to Do in Church,
4 And because we are an equal opportunity offender ... Irresistibly,
Irreverent Things to Do in Synagogue,
40 Endlessly Entertaining Things to Do in School,
17 Things to Do During Class,
12 Things to Do on a Test That Doesn't Matter,
5 Things to Do on a Term, Paper,
6 Things to Do in a Debate,
8 Things to Do If You're the Teacher,
30 Splendidly Strange Things to Do in an Elevator,
5 Things to Do at the Department of Motor Vehicles,
46 Absolutely Asinine Things to Do in Places of Amusement,
5 Things to Do at a Strip Joint,
4 Things to Do at the Zoo,
1 Thing to Do When Visiting an Amish Farm,
6 Things to Do on a Beach,
10 Things to Do at Museums,
6 Things to Do When Playing Golf,
4 Things to Do at a Scrabble Tournament,
5 Things to Do at a Club/Bar,
5 Things to Do with Larry,
25 Wonderfully Warped Things to Do at a Gym/Health Club,
10 Things to Do in a Public Bathroom,
28 Decidedly Disconcerting Things to Do to Freak Out a New Roommate,
42 Brilliantly Baffling Things to Do at the office If You Just Don't give a Crap Anymore,
Index of Occupational Absurdity,
31 Radically Rude Things to Do When Dealing With Annoying People,
11 Things to Do to Get Off the Phone With a Telemarketer,
6 Things to Do to Annoy Alex Trebek If You're on Jeopardy,
14 Things to Do If A Guy Is Hitting on You,
34 Positively Peculiar Things to Do on a First Date,
18 Things to Do During Sex,
So you've had sex ... now: 7 Things To Do When Raising Kids,
33 Beautifully Bizarre Things to Do on Special Occasions,
5 Things to Do at a Wedding,
5 Things to Do at a Funeral,
5 Things to Do When Your Wife is Giving Birth,
4 Things to Do at a Birthday Party,
5 Things to Do at a High School Reunion,
2 Things to Do If Abducted by Aliens,
4 Things to do in a Beauty Pageant,
3 Things to do at Sporting Events,
47 Lavishly Ludicrous Things to Do When Traveling,
10 Things to Do While on the Road,
5 Things to Do If Pulled Over by a Cop,
5 Things to Do at a Hotel,
7 Things to Do When Flying,
5 Things to Do on the Bus,
4 Things to Do in Europe,
4 Things to Do in New York City,
3 Things to Do in the Quagmire of Lakoon,
4 Things to Do If You Can Travel Through Time,
23 More Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview,
24 Marvelously Miscellaneous Things to Do to Mess With People's Minds,
For Entertainment Purposes Only!,
Do Unto Others,
Acknowledgements,
About the Authors,
Contacting the Authors,
Notes,
Copyright Page,