Do You Have Kids?: Life When the Answer Is No

by Kate Kaufmann

Overview

A savvy and validating guide to what might be in store for growing numbers of childfree and childless adults worldwide, Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No takes on topics from the shifting meaning of family to what we leave behind when we die. Weaving together wisdom from women ages twenty-four to ninety-one with both her own story and a growing body of research, Kate brings to light alternate routes to lives of meaning, connection, and joy.








Today about one in five American women will never have children, whether by choice or by destiny. Yet few women talk much about what not having kids means to their lives and identities. Not that they don’t want to; there just aren’t obvious catalysts for such open conversations. In fact, social taboos preclude exploration of the topic—and since our family-centric culture doesn’t know quite what to do with non-parents, there’s potential for childless and childfree women to be sidelined, ignored, or drowned out. Yet there’s widespread, pent-up demand for understanding and validating this perfectly normal way of being. In this straight-shooting, exhaustively researched book, women without kids talk candidly about the ways in which their lives differ from societal norms and expectations—the good, the bad, and the unexpected.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781631525810
Publisher:	She Writes Press
Publication date:	04/02/2019
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	288
Sales rank:	887,776
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Kate Kaufmann embarked on her life as a non-mom when she abandoned fertility treatments, quit her corporate job, and moved from the suburbs to a rural community to raise sheep. Since 2012, she has talked with hundreds of women ranging in age from twenty-four to ninety-one and advocates for better understanding of the childless/childfree demographic. Kate received an MFA in creative writing in 2016 from the Northwest Institute of Literary Arts and has a professional background in corporate staffing, training, and consulting. She's lived in various urban, suburban, rural, and coastal communities and currently calls Portland, Oregon home. Her writing has appeared most recently in the Washington Post. Visit her at www.katekaufmann.com.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Chapter 1 Who We Are 5

Chapter 2 Making A Living 17

Chapter 3 Borrowed From The Beginning 37

Chapter 4 Abiding Friendship 55

Chapter 5 Family Matters 71

Chapter 6 Where We Live 97

Chapter 7 Use It Or Lose It 121

Chapter 8 Spirit Moves 139

Chapter 9 Elder Orphans 171

Chapter 10 What We Leave Behind 199

Afterword-Do You Nave Kids? 221

Notes 245

Acknowledgments 269

About the Author 273

Editorial Reviews

2020 International Book Awards Finalist in Self-Help: General

2019 Living Now Book Awards Silver Medal Winner in Sexuality/Femininity



"Supported by extensive factual material and fascinating personal anecdotes, this engaging work provides thorough insight into the varied and fruitful lives of non-moms."




—Library Journal





"A wide-ranging look at life for women who never have children...perceptive and informative...Ultimately, this supportive volume serves as a plea to respect the diversity of human experience."




—Kirkus Review





"This book is a treasure that details what real-life childlessness can be like. For childless and childfree women, and those still deciding their reproductive futures, Kaufmann offers the insights you’ve been looking for about the many dimensions of non-motherhood—loneliness, faith, prying questions from family and friends, and so much more."




—Karen Malone Wright, founder, TheNotMom.com & The NotMom Summit





"This collection of interviews, personal anecdotes, and recent data demystifies the reasons people choose not to have children and acknowledges those whose childlessness results from tragedy, disappointment, or circumstance. A straightforward exploration of human concerns through a lens not everyone stops to consider and a resource for people seeking community or broadened understanding."




—Nicole Hardy, author of Confessions of a Latter Day Virgin





“In Do You Have Kids? Kate Kaufmann turns that dreaded question into a powerful conversation with the reader. Kaufmann mixes her personal story with those of other 'Not-Moms.' Together with a wealth of research, these stories serve to unite an often-marginalized community as well as reminding the reader of the vital role these women hold in our society. This should be required reading for those who choose the childfree life, as well as those who need to better understand this choice. In other words, all of us."




—Janet Buttenwieser, author of Guts: a memoir





"Want to visualize life once you know you’re not having children? Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No offers facts, figures, and research findings, deftly woven in between the copious and delightfully honest interviews that Kaufmann conducted with people who don’t have children."




—Maxine Trump, award-winning director of childfree film To Kid or Not to Kid

From the Publisher

2019-01-15

A writer takes a wide-ranging look at life for women who never have children.

Debut author Kaufmann recalls walking on the beach with a new friend and broaching the title question—one she always dreads hearing. Though her years of unsuccessful infertility treatment are long behind her, the now-single author resents outsiders interpreting this as the defining tragedy of her life. Instead, she characterizes childlessness as a situation that, like any other, has advantages as well as drawbacks. Raising a child costs $250,000 and 10 full-time working years, she reports, and "ambitious women still take career hits for having kids." When she attends the first-ever "NotMom Summit" in Cleveland in 2015, women tell her that having children would have prevented them from experiencing meandering, exciting career paths. Philosophy professor Jane insisted: "Not having children was probably the best thing that ever happened to me…all my energies would have gone into them." Bobbi felt free to travel while Chris could accept the low paychecks of nonprofit work. "I wish I'd had older non-moms to confide in and seek guidance from," Kaufmann writes, and this perceptive and informative book is an attempt to fill that gap in the self-help market with stories and tips from those who've been there. The author acknowledges that women wind up in this situation for diverse reasons—it's 50/50 chosen/forced for those she meets—and that the language problem doesn't help: There's no good term for a nonmother apart from the medical nulliparous. "Childless" implies a lack; the blithe "childfree" belittles the pain of barrenness. Whichever word one uses, Kaufmann deftly notes that friendships, aging, and spirituality can pose particular challenges for women who don't have someone to pass their beliefs or possessions to. But she suggests numerous important roles nonmothers can play in children's lives, such as stepmother, aunt, nanny, or tutor. Ultimately, this supportive volume serves as a plea to respect the diversity of human experience; "our options and lifestyles do not imperil motherhood….Rather, we represent a complementary dynamic," the author concludes.

A reassuring picture of one facet of womanhood.

Kirkus Reviews

03/01/2019

In her debut book, former corporate staffer Kaufmann compiles stories and research about women without children with the aim of building a broader understanding of this demographic in a society in which the cultural norm for women is motherhood. The author discusses the myriad reasons women don't or can't have children and details the different paths through which non-moms navigate life. Some women focus all their energy on their careers, others nurture younger people in their midst and live in intentional communities rife with children. The particularly helpful afterword lists ways to handle typical scenarios when answering questions about childlessness and also ways in which those who have children can respect those who don't. VERDICT Supported by extensive factual material and fascinating personal anecdotes, this engaging work provides thorough insight into the varied and fruitful lives of non-moms.

Library Journal

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