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Overview
Dog· tol· o· gynoun 1. The belief in Dog. 2. The system of rituals, practices, and behaviors engaged in by Dogtologists.
Chew on this. As humans, we have a deep need to believe . . . a need to relate to something greater and more ideal than ourselves. Perhaps that’s why so many millions believe in Dog. Man’s devotion to Dog has come to rival the great -isms and -ologies of the world. This has gone way beyond a hobby. We may not literally worship Dogs, but we come pawfully close. This rabid reverence for Rover has a name: It’s called Dogtology. Dogtology is for the dog lover who has bailed on a date because they didn’t want Twinkles to be left home alone, for the human whose dog owns a more festive holiday wardrobe than they do, those whose pups dine on free-range bison burgers while they live off ramen, or whose smartphones have more photos of their dog than of the humans in their family.
Live. Bark. Believe. Dogtology is a humorous exploration of man’s fanatical devotion to Dog. In this book, Lazarus makes the case that Dogtology has become a bone-a-fide belief system on par with the world’s great philosophies and religions.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781626341388 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Greenleaf Book Group Press |
| Publication date: | 06/02/2015 |
| Pages: | 192 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.10(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.50(d) |
About the Author
Jeff Lazarus is a Health Science Consultant with one of the world’s leading pharmaceutical companies, serving as a scientific liaison to physicians, academicians, and health educators. He has a BA in speech communication, with an emphasis in interpersonal and organizational communication, from Cal State University, Long Beach, and an MBA from Pepperdine University. He has taught public speaking at the university level and conducted numerous workshops on listening, presentation skills, and customer engagement. This passion brought us the 2016 release Listen Like A Dog...and Make Your Mark on the World; a topic near and dear to his heart. Jeff's deep love for dogs is portrayed in the 2015 release, Dogtology, a whimsical exploration of humankind’s fanatical devotion to our canine companions.
Read an Excerpt
Dogtology
Live. Bark. Believe.
By Jeff Lazarus
Greenleaf Book Group Press
Copyright © 2015 Jeff LazarusAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-62634-138-8
CHAPTER 1
IN THE BEGINNING ...
God created the heavens and the earth.
And God said, "Let there be light."
And light there was.
God saw that the light was good, and He said, "Let the land produce vegetation and let the water teem with life and let birds fly above the earth and—"
Wait! (Sound of needle screeching across the record.) Sorry, wrong book.
* * *
Jumping ahead a creational week or two ...
God did not necessarily plan for creation to be completed in one fell swoop. After all, if Earth wasn't going to produce any new surprises along the way, then what was the point of creating it in the first place? Might as well have just written a memo. Instead, God created a process for the world and its inhabitants to evolve and reveal their surprises over time, which allowed Him to continually wheel out exciting new creative ideas and tweak them on the fly.
For example, God particularly enjoyed messing with the four-legged beings. He'd already tried and retired many early models like the Suchomimus, for instance—which looked like a pair of vise grips stuck in an alligator's ass. But God had yet to start churning out the truly bizarre things like the duck-billed platypus, the naked mole rat, or the blob fish (look it up). God was, you might say, at the height of His creative powers.
One partly cloudy Wednesday afternoon, while tinkering in His Earth Species Progression and Advancement Lab (ESPAL), God brought into existence a creature that pleased Him as no creature ever before. This four-legged being was playful, intelligent, sweet, and oh so damn cute. One look in its eyes and you could see to the depths of its soul; look again and you would feel as if it could see into yours. The little creature had a nose that could smell a mouse burrowed in a hole a mile away, ears so sharp they could hear grass photosynthesizing, and a sense of empathy so keen it could detect if a tree was depressed. It could run like the wind, jump like a jackrabbit that accidentally sat on a cactus, and pivot like a deer U-turning from a charging grizzly.
It lived fully in the moment and romped happily in heaven's green gardens, chasing squirrels and staring out in wonder at the verdant vistas God had created. This bundle of fur had a caring, noble nature and was loyal to the core. It was humble, unselfish, encouraging, infinitely loving, and one of the best silent conversationalists God had ever created.
And so God said, "At last, I have created a being that reflects all that is good in me. Thus, I shall give it a name that is the mirror image of my own."
And so God named this new creature "Dog."
Dog liked his name and licked the face of God in gratitude.
"I will loose you on the earth," said God to Dog, "and you shall be my avatar." Dog cocked his head in adorable confusion. "You know, my representative. You're me when I'm not there." Then God winked and added, "You and I are going to have some great fun, Dog."
Dog wagged his tail excitedly, because Dog was seriously down with the idea of having fun.
Project Man
Dog was eager to explore his earthly existence. But there was one thing missing: Dog was a highly sociable critter and did not wish to romp the earth alone. Although he knew how busy God was tweaking and adjusting His ongoing creations, Dog longed for a companion to play with, to hang out with, and to edge off the sofa. Dog desired to be petted and cuddled and to spread joy and occasional mayhem when needed. Dog whimpered about this conundrum and pawed at the legs of God. God, however, was busy figuring out whether humans should have two arms or four and became so distracted by Dog's whimpering, he accidentally put nipples on the male version. Dog resorted to his ultimate weapon: He put on the sad face.
And it worked!
God said to Dog, "I know what you need, young Doggie. A companion to play with and to scratch you in that particular place on your belly in a way that makes you look like you're trying to start a motorcycle."
Dog jumped up and down excitedly. "Now you're talking!"
God added, "I have given this a great deal of thought. Earth is a garden of paradise. But, let's face it, it's also a bit of a gore fest, what with creatures gnawing on one another and fighting tooth and nail to control their own patch of real estate. Take your cousin, Wolf, for example. Wolfie has many of the same fine qualities you do, but he spends all of his time hunting and protecting his young. So, Wolfie's talents, such as howling at the moon at night (because he thinks his breath keeps it floating in the sky), have never had a chance to evolve like yours have. He's just too busy surviving. You, on the other hand, Doggie, are too special for such an existence. Therefore, the companion I will give to you will be as perfectly suited to you as you will be to him."
"Bring it on!" thought Dog. "So, what are we gonna call this creation?"
"I'm going to call him Man," God said.
"Man? Great name! Short and to the point. You're brilliant! I love it, love it, love it!"
"Man will take care of your survival needs, dear Dog," God continued, "so you won't have to."
"Yes, yes, yes!" Dog panted, his tail whipping back and forth in a frenzy, joyously anticipating the arrival of Man. He was so happy he even peed a little on the cloud below.
"Man will be a most intriguing creature," God added. "He will have a nose and ears that are nowhere near as powerful as yours."
"What! Why?"
"Because that way, he will need you to sniff things out for him and hear things he cannot hear and he will be impressed by the heightened ability of your smelling and hearing."
"And give me treats? Oh, God, this is just off the hook! I love it!"
"He will have almost no fur at all. Just some small patches. In a few strategic places."
"Patches? Strange."
"Not sure what I was thinking there."
"Wait, wait, I get it! That way I won't have to scratch him, and he can stay busy scratching me!"
By now, Dog was nearly delirious with God's sheer brilliance.
God continued: "Furthermore, Man will behave in ways that even I will find perplexing. But Man will be able to do many wondrous things for you. You see, he will have a very large brain, much bigger than it will need to be, because he will use so little of it. His brain will get him into all kinds of trouble, but it will also be a great boon to you."
Boon. What a cool word, thought Dog, sounds like bone —and Dog totally lost track of what God was saying.
"For example, Man's brain will conquer the elements and invent machines to do his work for him. This will free him up to ... um ... er ... invent even more machines to create even more work for him. But it will also free him up to play with you and take care of you and have fun with you."
Dog let out a yip of joy. This Man stuff was starting to sound promising.
"Man will also have incredible appendages called hands," God went on. "These 'super-paws' will allow him to perform tasks that are tricky for you to do. Tasks like opening gates, untangling ropes, rubbing your belly, throwing sticks and balls, and scratching you behind the ears."
Now Dog was grinning ear to ear.
"Man will stand on two feet and will thus be able to reach treats on high shelves. These feet of his will also be able to kick a ball like nobody's business. Man will build nifty shelters with heat, running water, and refrigerators that keep hamburger fresh for days. He will share these shelters with you. Man's clothing will have pockets, and in these pockets he will keep treats and money. This money will buy fun things, like more treats and beach admission. Man will also drive machines called cars, which you will find to be the most amazing things."
Dog tried to imagine a car but got stuck on the image of a carcass. Carcasses could be pretty tricky to drive. Dog knew—Dog had tried.
"Man will also find you irresistibly cute. And puppies? Don't even get me started on the junior versions of Dog! Man will also be a pretty dandy playmate and sofa snuggler."
"What about walking in the woods with me?" Dog queried.
"Yes, he'll do that, too. Though you will have to do all the sniffing. Oh, and all the peeing on trees and rocks. Man claims his territory with fences and walls, not with your more fluid form of demarcation."
"What about playing ball? That's major."
"Yes, Man will love to play ball as much as you do. In fact, Man will give you so much attention that, over time, you will learn to use him to do all sorts of things for you. He will lift you over fences, buy you juicy new bones, and cause fire hydrants to sprout along the streets. Man is going to be the most sophisticated gadget you could ever imagine. He will solve endless problems for you. You will run, play, herd, watch the world go by, celebrate the glory of Earth's gardens, and, most of all, give away your love. Freed from survival concerns, you can be the true athlete, hero, guardian, and spiritual master I created you to be."
"Sounds great!" Dog rumbled contentedly. "When do we start?"
"There's just one small ... er ... hitch," God said. "But isn't there always? This Man creature ... There's another side to him. After all, even I cannot create a coin with only one side."
Dog flopped down on his side and let out a huff of annoyance. "What's the hitch?"
"Man will have a very large and very fragile ego. His ego will tell him that he is the most intelligent, most powerful, most important creature in all of existence. His ego will even tell him that the bed is his, not yours!"
"I thought you said he was smart?!" Dog howled with confusion.
"This ego of Man's is a necessary evil, however, because it will serve a practical purpose, too. It will keep Man busy and productive. You see, many of Man's coolest accomplishments will be motivated by a need to feed his ego. Without the ego, Man would stop working, inventing, saving, planning, driving, and building stuff, which would render him pretty useless to Dog."
Dog tried to understand this concept called ego, but couldn't wrap his furry head around it.
"There's more," explained God. "Man can write symphonies and poems that melt your heart, and can sing like only the angels can. He can unravel the mysteries of time and space. He can sometimes be incredibly generous and caring. Underneath all of his arrogance, he has a beautiful heart. In fact, if his ego didn't get in the way, making him so fearful and selfish and grandiose, I think he could be almost as good as you. ... Well, not really, but close. So I'm asking you one favor."
"Name it, God."
"In order to partner with Man, you will have to play his game," said God. "You will have to let him believe he is the superior being. What I'm saying is this: You'll have to let him play boss."
Dog thought about this concept for a moment. What a challenge it would be to allow this (mostly) furless, ego-riddled, paddle-footed being with a terrible nose and ears to believe it was superior to Dog. But Dog loved a good game! And this game sounded fun. Besides, Dog had no ego, so he didn't mind taking one for the team.
If Man needed to believe he was boss, so be it, as long as Dog could sleep in a warm bed, eat treats, and chase the ball ... What more was there to life, really?
"As your faithful companion," God said, "Man will do much for you. Not only will he care for you and play with you, but over time he will elevate you to a deified place in his world. Right up there with those humans Man will call 'movie stars.' He will adorn his home with images of you, he will place you at the center of his songs and stories, he will create bone-shaped water dishes and paw-shaped 'pupcakes' for you, he will build entire industries devoted to your care and amusement—at least, he'll think it's for your amusement, but it's really for his."
"Hey, if there are still treats involved, then I'm your Dog."
"But there's one other thing," said God.
Dog wasn't paying attention because he was now feverishly nipping at his own back leg.
"I ask that you raise Man up. Help him become his best possible self. Allow your goodness to rub off on him. This won't require special effort from you. You see, when Man is with you, his highest qualities will naturally emerge. But there is one thing you will need to exercise in spades. Patience. Project Man is going to take a long, long time, Dog. ... We're talking thousands of years."
That's okay, thought Dog. Time's not an issue for me. Never was, never will be. Dog raised his paw to God. Deal.
God shook Dog's paw and said, "Excellent. Then let's get this thing rolling. Oh, one last thing. Let me give you a little tip. Actually, this is huge—you'll get more mileage out of it than you can imagine. Man will be very easily amused by you. All you'll need to do to keep him laughing for hours is to act like him in any way, shape, or form. Put on one of his hats, wear a sweatshirt or sunglasses. Dance on two legs, sit behind the wheel of his car, pretend to read one of his books, jump on things they'll call skateboards and let him make YouTube videos of it—you'll know what I'm talking about when the time comes. You'll have him laughing so hard he'll give you anything you want."
Dog panted and grinned excitedly up at God.
"Okay," said God. "This is the part where I say 'Let it be so.'"
And then God kicked back on His lounger, grabbed some popcorn, and chuckled, "This is gonna be awesome!"
THE BOOK OF BONES
The "Bones" of Dogtology: Its Definition, Its Roots, and (Oh, Just Say It) Its Dog-ma
I. The Belief in Dog
Every human believes in something. Some believe in a "supreme being." Others believe in the supremacy of science. Some believe in creationism, others in evolution. Still others believe in nothing whatsoever. (These tend to be the most ardent believers of all.)
Many of humankind's deepest beliefs have evolved into systems of thought and national institutions. For example, hockey is the official religion of Canada. Some beliefs are held only temporarily, such as belief in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or jobs with pension plans. Other beliefs can last a lifetime, such as the belief that bacteria observe a five-second grace period before jumping onto a nacho chip dropped on the kitchen floor. Some belief systems—be they political, social, or spiritual—have popular names and are openly embraced by billions of human beings around the world.
Then there are beliefs that are practiced with unwavering devotion, even though their followers may be completely unaware they are practicing an official faith. Dogtology is one such faith. In fact, it's one of the most practiced beliefs on the planet and has been gathering momentum ever since the first canines came sniffing around the first human campsites looking for fresh bones and leftover livers. Just as electricity existed long before Man named it "electricity," so too did Dogtology exist before being named.
And now, at last, Man's longstanding, fanatical devotion to Dog has an official name: Dogtology.
So what, exactly, is Dogtology?
Although dog-love is a base requirement of all card-carrying Dogtologists, the system of belief is more than just the love of dogs and acknowledgment of the effect they have on us. Dogtology is a belief that recognizes Dog as a genuinely "elevated" being. Dogtologists aren't just fond of dogs; they exalt them ("worship" is too strong a word ... but not by much!).
If you are a Dogtologist, here are just a few symptoms of your belief system:
You relentlessly email dog photos, dog-toons, dog videos, and dog PowerPoint slideshows to everyone on your contacts list, regardless of the thundering silence you receive in response.
Your dog groomer knows that the concept "drop the dog off" does not apply to you, and you are allowed to wait in the staff lounge where you are given status reports on the quarter hour.
* You are genuinely surprised when others react to the word "bitch" as if it has negative connotations.
* After seventeen years of marriage, you can't get the names of your in-laws straight, but you can remember the names of the last twelve Westminster "Best in Show" winners, along with their sires and dams. (Also, you know what sires and dams are.)
* You understand the sole purpose for which cell-phone cameras were invented: to capture cunning and hilarious shots of dogs behind the steering wheels of cars ... wearing sunglasses ... and Scottish beanies.
* You give holiday gifts to and from your dog—and you spend more time getting these exactly right than you do your gifts for humans.
* You send only greeting cards with pictures of dogs on them. (For example, if there are 139 possible card choices at Walmart, you will choose the one that says "Muzzle Tov!" or "Happy Bark Mitzvah!" even if the event being acknowledged is a death in the family.)
* You happily purchase "gourmet" treats, such as "pupcakes," "Na-paw leons," or "tail mix bars" for your hound (at a retail markup of a mere 750 percent).
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Dogtology by Jeff Lazarus. Copyright © 2015 Jeff Lazarus. Excerpted by permission of Greenleaf Book Group Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
In the Beginning… 1
The Book of Bones 11
The Book of Leashes 39
The Book of Collars 61
The Book of Barks 83
The Book of Hydrants 105
The Book of License 129
The Book of Realizations 145
In the End (Which Is Really the Beginning)… 161
Furminology 167
Sunday School 173
About the Author's Dog 179
Acknowledgments 181