Don't Ever Get Old: A Mystery

Don't Ever Get Old: A Mystery

by Daniel Friedman


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When Buck Schatz, senior citizen and retired Memphis cop, learns that an old adversary may have escaped Germany with a fortune in stolen gold, Buck decides to hunt down the fugitive and claim the loot. But a lot of people want a piece of the stolen treasure, and Buck's investigation quickly attracts unfriendly attention from a very motley (and murderous) crew in Daniel Friedman's Don't Ever Get Old, nominated for an Edgar Award for Best First Novel.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250028921
Publisher: St. Martin''s Publishing Group
Publication date: 04/30/2013
Series: Buck Schatz Series , #1
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 320
Sales rank: 339,060
Product dimensions: 5.66(w) x 8.06(h) x 0.87(d)

About the Author

DANIEL FRIEDMAN is a graduate of the University of Maryland and NYU School of Law. He lives in New York City. Don't Ever Get Old won a Macavity Award for Best First Novel, and Lionel Wigram, the producer of four Harry Potter films and the Sherlock Holmes sequel, is both producing and writing the script for the movie version.

Read an Excerpt

Don't Ever Get Old

By Daniel Friedman

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2012 Daniel Friedman
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-250-01128-2


In retrospect, it would have been better if my wife had let me stay home to see Meet the Press instead of making me schlep across town to watch Jim Wallace die.

I'd known Jim since back when I was in the service, but I didn't consider him a friend. So when Rose interrupted my programs to tell me she'd just got a call from the hospital and that Wallace was in intensive care and asking for me, I said I'd have plenty of time to see him at his funeral.

"You have to go visit him, Buck. You can't ignore a dying man's last request."

"You'd be surprised, darling, by what I can ignore. I got a long history of being ignorant."

I capitulated, though, after I lodged my token objection. I saw no point in fighting with Rose. After sixty-four years of marriage, she knew all my weak points.

Jim was downtown at the MED, too far away for me to drive. It was getting hard to remember where things were and how they fit together, so my world had become a gradually shrinking circle, with the house in the middle of it. But that excuse wouldn't save me; Wallace's daughter, Emily, offered to come and pick me up, even though I'd never met her before.

"Thank you for doing this, Mr. Schatz," she said as she backed her car out of my driveway. "I know it must seem weird that Daddy is asking for you, but he's nearing the end, and they've got him on a lot of stuff, for the infection and for the pain, and for his heart. He's sort of drifting back into the past."

She was a couple of years past her fiftieth, I guessed; the flesh around her jawline was just beginning to soften. She was wearing sweats and no makeup and looked like she hadn't slept in a long time.

"He's not so coherent all the time, and sometimes, when he looks at me, I'm not sure if he knows who I am." She stifled a sob.

This was shaping up to be a real swell morning. I made a grunting sound that I thought might seem sympathetic and started to light a cigarette.

Her face kind of pursed up a little. "Do you mind not smoking in my car?"

I minded, but I let it slide.

Visiting people in the hospital was a pain in the ass; I knew going in that they wouldn't let me smoke, and I always worried a little that they wouldn't let me leave. I was eighty-seven years old and still buying Lucky Strikes by the carton, so everyone figured I was ripe to keel over.

Jim Wallace was in the geriatric intensive care unit, a white hallway full of filtered air and serious-looking people. Despite all the staff's efforts to keep the place antiseptic, it stank of piss and death. Emily led me to Jim's room, and the glass door slid shut behind us and sealed itself with a soft click. Norris Feely, Emily's overweight husband, was sitting in a plastic chair, staring at game shows on a television mounted on the wall above the bed. I thought about asking him to switch it over to my talk program, but I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I was willing to stay for very long.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Schatz," he said, without looking away from the screen. "Pop has told us a lot about you." He extended his hand, and I shook it. His fingers were plump and sweaty, and he had more hair on his knuckles than he did on his head, but his nails were manicured and coated with clear polish, so they stood out like little pink rhinestones stuck onto some hirsute, misshapen sausages.

A weak voice from the bed: "Buck? Buck Schatz?" Wallace was hooked up to an IV, a heart monitor, and something I thought might be a dialysis machine. He had a tube in his nose. His skin had taken on a waxy yellow pallor, and the whites of his eyes were brownish and filmy. His breath came in slow rasps and smelled like disease. He looked horrible.

"You look good, Jimmy," I said. "You'll beat this yet."

He let out a rattling cough. "Reckon not, Buck. I suppose I'm not too long for this world." He waved a feeble hand, a mostly unsuccessful attempt at a dramatic gesture.

"I wish things were different," I said, which meant that I wished Jim had been kind enough to die without bothering me about it.

"God, how'd we get so old?"

"If I'd seen it coming, I'd have got out of the way."

He nodded, as if that made a lot of sense. "It means so much that you're here."

I didn't see why it was so important to Jim to share his final hours with somebody who thought he was kind of an asshole. Maybe he found comfort in familiarity.

He pointed a quivering finger at Norris and Emily. "Go away for a minute," he told them. "Gotta have some old war talk with Buck, in private."

"Dad, the war was sixty years ago," said Emily. Her nose was running, and her upper lip was damp with snot.

"Don't tell me when's what." Jim's eyes seemed to slide out of focus for a moment, and it took him a couple of deliberate blinks to regain his bearing. "I know what I need to say, need to say to Buck. Get."

"Daddy, please." Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"Maybe I'd better go home," I said hopefully. But Jim had gotten hold of my wrist, and he was hanging on with surprising strength.

"No, Buck stays," he wheezed as he jabbed a finger in his daughter's direction. "Privacy."

Norris draped a protective arm over Emily and guided her gently out of the room. The sliding door clicked shut behind them, and I was left alone with the dying man. I tried to pull my arm out of his sallow claw, but he held tight.

"Jim, I know you're a little confused, but the war was a long time ago," I said.

He sat up a little, and his whole body shook with the effort. Those sunken yellow eyes were bulging in their sockets, and his loose jowls twisted with anguish. "I saw him," he said. Phlegm rattled in his throat. "I saw Ziegler."

Hearing that name was enough to knot my guts up. Heinrich Ziegler had been the SS officer in charge of the POW camp where we were stuck in 1944 after our unit got cut off and overrun in southern France.

"Ziegler's dead, Jim," I told him. "Shot by the Russians during the fall of Berlin."

"I know he wasn't so good to you, Buck, when he found out you was Jewish."

Without thinking, I rubbed with my free hand at the ridges of scar tissue on my lower back. "He wasn't so good. But he's dead." I was sure this was true. I'd gone looking for Ziegler after the war.

"Probably dead. Probably by now. But I seen him. Forgive me."

He was still hanging on to my wrist, and I was starting to feel nauseous, either from what Jim was saying or from the stink coming off him.

"What do you mean?"

"I was working as an MP, manning a roadblock between East and West in 1946, and he rolled up in a Mercedes-Benz."

"No." I felt a lump rise in my throat. "Not possible."

Jim's stare was fixed on the wall, and he didn't seem to hear me. "He had papers with a different name, but I knew him when I saw him," he said. "Lord help me, I let him go."

"Why?" My mouth had gone dry. Side effect of all the damn pills I took. I swallowed, hard. "Why would you do that, Jim?"

"Gold. He had lots of those gold bars, like in the movies. I remember, the whole back end of the car was riding low from the weight of them. He gave me one, and I let him get away."

"Son of a bitch."

"We didn't have no money. Never had none growing up. And we wanted to buy a house. We wanted to start a family."

I didn't say anything. I tried to wrench my arm away from him, but his grip held. One of the machines next to his bed started beeping louder.

"Forgive me, Buck," he said. "I'm going over, very soon. I'm scared to die. Scared of being judged. Scared I'm going to hell for the bad things I've done. I can't carry this weight with me. Tell me it's all right."

I tugged my arm a little harder. I had to get out of there; I was going to be sick. "Forgive you? You knew what kind of a monster Ziegler was. You saw the things he did to our boys. You saw the things he did to me, for God's sake. All a man's got is his integrity, and you sold yours, Jim."

I gave a sharp yank, trying to extricate myself from his grasp, but he hung on, looking at me with pleading eyes. I gave up on getting away and, instead, leaned in close to him. "If there's a hell, the two of you belong there together."

He must not have liked that, because his whole body convulsed, his back arched, and the heart monitor started screaming. Two doctors and a nurse ran into the room, and through the open door, I could see Emily in the hallway with tears streaming down her face.

"He's coding," shouted one of the doctors. "We need a crash cart."

The other doctor pointed at me. "Get him out of here."

"I'd be happy to go, Doc, if he'd just let me." Jim's hand was still wrapped around my wrist.

But the doctor was already pounding on Jim's chest and squeezing the respirator bag over his mouth. The nurse came over to me and pried the clenched fingers off my arm. She pushed me back, out of the way, as the doctor hit Jim with the electric paddles. Jim's body jumped. The doctor with the paddles looked to the nurse.

"Anything?" he asked.


The machine was still wailing.

"Gonna hit him again," said the doctor, turning the voltage knob on the defibrillator.

"Clear." The body seized up again, but the line on the monitor had gone flat.

The other doctor kept working the oxygen bag. I rubbed at my wrist; purple bruises were blossoming out from where Jim had squeezed. A couple of years back, my doctor put me on Plavix, a blood thinner, to keep me from having a stroke. The stuff made me bruise like an overripe peach.

I pulled out my pack of Luckys and flicked at the silver Dunhill cigarette lighter I carry around, but my hands were shaking so much, I couldn't get the damn thing to spark.

"You can't smoke in here," the nurse told me.

"He don't look like he minds much," I said, gesturing at Jim.

"Yeah, well, his oxygen tank probably minds, mister," she said, and she swept me into the hallway. The sliding glass door clicked shut behind me.

Norris was leaning against the wall, his face a slackened, puffy mask; Emily was pacing the floor, crying.

I touched her arm.

"There's nothing more you can do for him," I said. "But I need a ride home."


Emily Wallace-Feely looked like she needed somebody to hug her when she dropped me off at the house. I was sorry her father had just passed, but I certainly wasn't going to touch that woman. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her nose was still running. Catching a cold would be unpleasant and dangerous; any kind of illness might send me right back to the place I had just left.

I wished her the most sincere condolence I could manage while staying as far away from her as I could. I was very glad to get out of her car; happy to be away from the hospital's artificial atmosphere.

Memphis in early March was still cool and breezy in the mornings. High temperatures would hover in the seventies for a few more weeks before the Tennessee summer kicked in and things got hot and damp. By July, I'd sweat through a T-shirt walking to the curb to fetch the newspaper.

As I shuffled up the front walkway, I noticed, with considerable annoyance, that the lawn was greening nicely and the perennial bulbs in the flower beds were pushing tentative young shoots above the loamy southern soil. Seemed like last time I'd looked, it had been February and the yard had been brown, which suited me better.

Back when I could push a mower, I used to take care of the grass. It was something that Rose and I could do outside, together; she maintained the flower beds. Our yard was the best on the block, and we took a lot of pride in it. But since I had heart bypass surgery in '98, we'd been paying some kind of Guatemalan refugee to handle that stuff. He was a hardworking, fastidious man, and his crew did a good job. I hated his goddamn guts, and I carried a deep resentment against the lawn. The Guatemalans had replaced me, and the indifferent grass had gone right on turning green in the springtime.

I used to talk to the lawn, cooing and whispering as I mowed and edged, fertilized and aerated. Working my key in the lock as Emily backed her car out of the driveway, I whispered something that might have been "Ungrateful."

I went into the kitchen, scrubbed my hands with hot water, and washed down a multivitamin with a glass of orange juice and a cigarette. Rose was cleaning up the breakfast dishes.

"How's Jim?" she asked.

"Dead." I handed her the juice glass, and she topped it off. "I'm going to see what's on television."

As I was settling into my comfortable groove in the sofa cushions, the phone rang. Rose was running the sink, so I answered it.

"Hey, Pop."

It was my grandson, Billy.

"Well, if it ain't Moonshine," I said. Billy lived up in New York, where he was a student at NYU School of Law. It was very prestigious and unconscionably expensive.

"It's Tequila. People call me Tequila."

Billy's full name was William Tecumseh Schatz, after the great Civil War general William Tecumseh Sherman. Our family held the general in high esteem. My great-granddad Herschel Schatz came to America from Lithuania in 1863, after his family was killed and his village was burned in a pogrom. Union recruiters handed Herschel his conscription papers as soon as he got off the boat, and he rode south with General Sherman to raze Georgia. Every Schatz man since learned at an early age about how fine a thing it is to be born in a country where Jews get to swing the torch.

My late son, Brian, saw fit to give Billy the great man's name, but the kid went away to college and joined a fraternity, where "Tecumseh" became "Tequila." So he was known, forever after, as Tequila Schatz. Everybody was just so proud of him.

"How come you got to call yourself that?" I asked him.

"For the same reason you call yourself 'Buck,'" shouted Rose, from the next room.

"Oh, hush up. Nobody asked you," I yelled back at her.

"So, are you doing okay?" Billy asked. He was always asking about our health. It was annoying, but then again, so was most of the stuff he did.

"I'm still here," I assured him. "Had an eventful morning. Your grandmother made me go over to the hospital to visit my old war buddy Jim Wallace, and he died while I was there."

"I'm so sorry," Tequila said.

"Don't be. I was pretty sick of that guy. I've known Jim over sixty years, and he ran out of interesting things to say while Truman was still in office. And, as it turns out, he was a skunk. At least I don't have to feel bad that he's gone."

"What did he do that you're so upset about?" Tequila asked.

I took a long drag on the cigarette. "Why do you care?"

"You're my grandfather. You know, I love you."


He was always telling me that, I guess, because he never said it to his father. Every time he said good-bye to me at the end of a visit, he would kiss me on my face, even though he was, by most definitions, a fully grown adult man. And the discomfort was in no way ameliorated by the fact that every time he kissed me, I knew he was thinking that I might not last until his next trip home. For my part, I thought the same thing about him; young men are as fragile as the rest of us, but they aren't smart enough to know it.

"I don't see what's wrong with loving my grandparents."

I sighed and lowered my voice. "Wallace told me that the Nazi guard who beat me up when I was a prisoner escaped Germany alive, with the trunk of his car packed full of gold bars. Wallace took a payoff to let the guy go."

"That's got to mess with your head."

"Don't tell your grandmother about this. It will just upset her."

"I'll keep quiet," he assured me. I could have done without his patronizing tone. "So after all this time, why did Wallace tell you about this Nazi?"

"He wanted absolution, or something. Also, I think he expected me to track the guy down; set things right."

"Why would he think you'd do that?"

"Probably because I was a homicide detective for thirty years. You knew that, didn't you?"

He waited a couple of beats too long before: "Yeah, of course, Pop."

Most people who knew me going back, people like Wallace, still thought of me as police. But I was retired before my grandson was even born. I suspected he just thought of me as old.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

I thought about that for a second. "I'm going to watch Fox News for a while, and later, I am going to work a crossword puzzle while I sit on the toilet."

"Right, but what are you going to do about the Nazi?"


Excerpted from Don't Ever Get Old by Daniel Friedman. Copyright © 2012 Daniel Friedman. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Don't Ever Get Old: A Mystery 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 10 reviews.
EnoMary More than 1 year ago
Highly Recommended. Excellent! Since the protagonist is 85 w/mild dementia, I don't think this will be a series with 20 books - but a girl can dream. Buck Schatz is not someone I would like to meet in real life, but I've certainly enjoyed his company on the printed page. I'm a senior citizen, and I think that has increased my enjoyment of this book. Am not sure I would have liked it when I was 20, but I sure do love it now..
gloriafeit More than 1 year ago
Daniel Friedman’s debut novel introduces Baruch “Buck” Schatz, an 87-year-old Jewish ex-cop from Memphis who is told, at the bedside of a long-time acquaintance trying to clear his conscience as he lies dying, about an ex-SS officer who’d been in charge of the prison camp where they were interred in 1944, from whom he’d accepted a bribe to allow him to escape from Germany after the camps were liberated. Buck had nearly been killed by the Nazi during the war, and still bears the emotional and physical scars. He vows to try to track down the man, apparently now living in the US and ostensibly carrying a fortune in stolen gold bars. The protagonist is an unforgettable character, self-described as “grumpy more for sport than out of necessity.” No less unforgettable is his grandson, a student at NYU Law School named William Tecumseh Schatz, whose nickname is Tequila (apparently a frat thing). (Of his grandson, Buck says “Maybe because he was family, I disliked him less than most other people.”) Buck and Rose, his beloved wife of 64 years, still dealing with the loss of their only son six years prior at age 52, are now dealing with matters having to do with escalating frailty, both mental and physical. A few murders take place as Buck tries to track down the ex-Nazi and the gold, and Buck and his grandson try to find the killer as the body count rises, as various suspects, including a Mississippi loan shark, a 300-pound Russian, and the Mossad, cross their path, often engulfing them both in threatening situations. We are frequently reminded by Buck that “nobody’s innocent.” Interspersed from time to time are brief passages from Buck’s notebook of “Things I Don’t Want to Forget” (primary among which is a reminder that “paranoia was an early symptom of dementia in the elderly,” important for him to remember since paranoia seems to be recurring with worrisome frequency). These are often more like ruminations than part of any story, but they are intrinsic to knowledge of the man, as well as occasional historical details. Having somehow let the hardcover edition of this book escape me, I was delighted to see the paperback edition hit the shelves. I had seen the starred reviews the book had received from Publishers Weekly, Booklist, and Kirkus Reviews, and after it won the prestigious Macavity Award for Best First Novel, I said ‘this is a book I must read!!” And once I started it I was hardly able to stop reading, till today, when I put the book down, still smiling. The author does not shy away from the occasional difficult and wrenching truths. Alternately laugh-out-loud funny, often poignant, frequently touching, and with a whale of an ending, the book is highly recommended. Parenthetically, of the title, I have two comments: (1) I agree completely; and (2) it’s too late :-(
RonnaL More than 1 year ago
What a terrific main character!!  Buck  Schatz is an 83 year old retired policeman who refuses to acknowledge that age can keep him down.  He rages against the grass that he can no longer keep beautiful.  He lights up a cigarette everywhere he goes, even in non-smoking areas.  He keeps a memory notebook where he writes important things in his life in hopes of warding off dementia.  A simple bump leaves his thin skin with multiple shades of bruising. He rages against, yet deeply loves, his grown grandson whenever technology and electronics are brought up, as Buck has no idea how to use these things. He keeps his gun handy at all times because of a directive from the late General Eisenhower. He has a deep abiding love for his wife of over 60 years. He's a determined curmudgeon and a hoot and a half! When Buck hears a rumor that the Nazi that beat him nearly to death, while he was in a Nazi prison, may still be alive and hiding Nazi gold bars made from Jewish treasures, Buck goes on the chase.  Buck and his grandson make an hilarious and poignant pair of detectives. There are many secrets, multiple murders and intriguing suspects, requiring Buck to use everything within him to answer questions, and to stay alive.   Daniel Friedman has captured everything bad and everything wonderful about "old people".  This story is deeply serious, while keeping the funny bone busy. Definitely a book worthy of many accolades!!  May this just be the beginning of a long line of such uniquely engaging books!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I have recommended this mystery to all my friends--a must read novel•
Ma-Bat More than 1 year ago
Senior citizen hero--how refreshing. Much more interesting character than the beautiful, bland, impossibly perfect younger guys!
1dachsmom More than 1 year ago
Highly recommend! It's a very different type of book. Couldn't put it down. A must read!!
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