Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth

Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth

by Reed Tucker, Andy Bagwell
3.4 17

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Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth by Reed Tucker, Andy Bagwell

In the ranks of NCAA college basketball, Duke University is like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe. It's like a nasty virus you catch from a door handle at a public toilet.

No team in sports is as uniquely hated as those smug, entitled, floor-slapping, fist-pumping, insufferable Blue Devils. The loathing has almost reached the level of a religion. Christian Laettner is a punk. Amen. The Cameron Crazies are obnoxious. The Plumlees are worthless times three. Coach K is a jerk. Kumbaya.

The team is dogged by an intense hatred that no other team can match—and for good reason. Millions of hoops fans and March Madness aficionados around the world are not imagining things. Duke really is evil, and within the pages of Duke Sucks, Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell show readers exactly why Duke deserves to be so detested. They bruise and batter the Blue Devils with fact after fact, story after story, statistic after statistic. They build an airtight case that could stand up in a court of law.

So sit back in your "I Hate Duke" t-shirt, and in true Duke fashion, force someone poorer than you to do your work as you crack open the ultimate guide to Duke suckitude.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250008190
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 01/31/2012
Sold by: Macmillan
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 208
Sales rank: 1,111,080
File size: 2 MB

About the Author

Reed Tucker is a staff features writer at the New York Post. He lives in Brooklyn, New York. Andy Bagwell is a former member of Selected Hilarity, one of the top college comedy acts in the nation. He lives in Cary, North Carolina. The two host the "Tar Heel Bred, Tar Heel Dead" podcast, an obsessive, occasionally humorous look at UNC basketball.

Reed Tucker is a staff features writer at the New York Post. He lives in Brooklyn, New York. He is co-author of Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth.
Andy Bagwell is a former member of Selected Hilarity, one of the top college comedy acts in the nation. He lives in Cary, North Carolina. With Reed Tucker he is the co-author of Duke Sucks, and the two host the “Tar Heel Bred, Tar Heel Dead” podcast, an obsessive, occasionally humorous look at UNC basketball.

Read an Excerpt

“I know for a fact that that was not by accident.”
That’s UNC guard Dewey Burke’s take on one of the most infamous plays in Duke basketball history. March 4, 2007. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. With 14.5 seconds left in an eventual 86–72 UNC victory, Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough retrieves his own miss from the foul line and goes up for a putback. Suddenly, Duke’s Gerald Henderson comes swooping in from behind and smashes his elbow into Hansbrough’s face, breaking the star player’s nose and sending blood gushing down his mug, across his uniform, and onto the floor.
“I can’t tell you how I know that or details, but I know that was not an accident,” says Burke, who was on the court during the play and held Hansbrough back from charging Henderson. “That was supposed to happen. I don’t think they were trying to break Tyler’s nose or wanted him to bleed like that, but they were trying to send some sort of message of, ‘We’re not going out like this.’”
Everyone involved, including both coaches, claimed in the postgame press conference that the elbow was an accident. (Though Coach K would snidely suggest that it was partially UNC coach Roy Williams’s fault for leaving his starters on the floor so late in the game.)
“But look, we were gonna take the high road and say, ‘Hey, we knew it wasn’t on purpose, and we’re moving on,’” Burke says. “But all of us in the program knew there was a lot more to it than that.”
Dirty is a tough thing to prove. One man’s “hard foul” is another man’s “assault and battery.” Anyone who’s hooped on the playgrounds is familiar with the “no blood, no foul” rule, but Duke seems to take it a bit too literally sometimes.
While no one can prove that Duke is out to play dirty basketball, the trail of blood, bruises, and broken bones the team has left in its wake would seem to speak for itself.
There will be blood, all right. Lots of blood. So much blood that a game will look like an episode of CSI: Durham.
Let’s go back a few decades and peer deep into the history of Duke dirtiness, all the way back to the 1930s, shortly after the school became Duke University.
“Duke was preparing to play North Carolina. Concerned with UNC’s big center ‘Tiny’ Harper, Bill Werber and Harry Councillor practiced throwing a ball at the head of Duke center Joe Crosson, who would duck as the ball approached him,” Jim Sumner wrote in his book, Tales from the Duke Blue Devils Hardwood. “At the beginning of the game with UNC, Werber fired a ball at Crosson’s head. He ducked and the ball hit Harper flush in the face, temporarily stunning him. The big man was strangely passive the rest of the game.”
The actual douche bag was invented in 1848 but we’re pretty sure this incident is the first time a human acted like one.
Flash forward to February 4, 1961. The incident known as “The Fight” also involves a game with North Carolina. After UNC’s Larry Brown is fouled unnecessarily hard by Duke’s Art Heyman, Brown takes offense and suddenly punches are being wildly thrown. A near riot follows as the UNC bench clears and Duke fans join the mob.
Notice something there? Seems to us that the Duke guy was the instigator. And, yes, this is the same Larry Brown who has since gone on to coach in the ABA as well as every team in the NBA. Twice.
Next up is a matchup in the Coach K era that will be forever known as “The Bloody Montross Game.” Duke is coming off a national title and rolls into Chapel Hill on February 5, 1992, as the number one team in the country. During a hard-fought game battling down low, UNC center Eric Montross gets bashed and a gigantic cut opens on his noggin. He steps to the foul line toward the end of the game with blood running down his cheek and the side of his head. Carolina ultimately wins the game 75–73.
Pieces of Laettner’s elbow still show up in Eric Montross’s X-ray. (Courtesy of Scott Williams)
Montross says that he still gets asked about that game more than any other. We attended that game and will admit that maybe a few tears of joy were shed in the stands. And later that night, a mob formed on Franklin Street, and Montross came strolling down the street, a fresh bandage under his left eye.
Not even two months later in March 1992, came the infamous Christian Laettner “Stomp.” No blood, but still dirty.
When you get to 2003 and talk about Dahntay (or should we say “Dirtay”) Jones, how can you pick one incident? Let’s see, there’s January 12, 2003, when he broke Wake Forest freshman Justin Gray’s jaw setting a screen. Then roughly two months later, he swung an elbow and cut UNC freshman Raymond Felton on the chin. (No foul was called on that, by the way.) That ruckus led to a heated exchange between then-coach Matt Doherty and Duke assistant coach Chris Collins that almost caused punches to be thrown.
And “Dirtay” didn’t clean up once he got to the pros. Any Phoenix Suns fans out there? Then you’ll remember May 2, 2005, when he nearly tackled Shawn Marion during a transition layup attempt in the playoffs. Marion’s teammate Quentin Richardson told the Arizona Republic after the game, “I didn’t like it. If we were somewhere else, there would’ve been a fight. If this were the regular season, [Jones] would’ve been in the front row. He would’ve been somewhere, and I would’ve been on top of him. That [stuff] is unnecessary, and it’s not basketball.”
In 2009, Jones was nearly suspended from the NBA playoffs after a flagrant foul on Kobe Bryant—his third flagrant of the postseason and his second in two games. Lakers coach Phil Jackson accused Jones of “unacceptable defense, tripping guys, and playing unsportsmanlike basketball.”
On February 20, 2005, Duke was coming off a two-game losing streak when they hosted the Wake Forest Demon Deacons for a Top 20 battle. Coach K mysteriously shook up the starting lineup and put in little-used reserve Patrick Davidson. His orders? Basically to harass the bejeezus out of star Deacon guard, Chris Paul.
“He manhandled Wake Forest guard Chris Paul on the opening possession, bumping him wildly before a foul was called,” the Associated Press wrote. “He left the game after two minutes to a rousing ovation and got a warm embrace from Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski.”
Patrick finished the game with a stat line of two minutes played, two personal fouls, thirteen slaps on the ass from his teammates, and one creepy hug. Oh, and after the season he added something else: the Coach’s Award, Duke’s trophy for the person who personifies the team’s values.
Not that dirty play always involves blood. Consider this priceless anecdote from UNC guard Bobby Frasor.
Years ago as an eighth grader, Frasor was attending a basketball summer camp.
“Before camp would start all the campers would play. And in 8th grade I was pretty good so I played with some of the older guys,” he says. “We were playing against [current Duke assistant coaches] Chris Collins and Steve Wojciechowski. And I’m tying my shoe getting ready to play and Wojo throws it into Collins and he goes up for a layup. At the time I didn’t think about, but looking back on it, well, that’s Duke.”
Damn straight.
Verdict: What have we got? A stunned center, a near riot, a bleeding face during a free throw, a foot to the chest of a man lying on the ground, a broken jaw, a cut chin, pissed-off pros, two fouls and a creepy hug, a cheap play, and the bloody nose to end all bloody noses. That’s enough evidence to keep CSI forensic investigators busy for years.

Copyright © 2012 by Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell: Foreword © 2012 by Ian Williams

Table of Contents


Title Page,
Foreword by Ian Williams,
Charge #1 Duke is dirtier than a bus station bathroom floor.,
Charge #2 The annoying, pointless floor slap.,
Exhibit A Graduation Rates,
Charge #3 The only way the tournament selection committee could give Duke an easier road to the Final Four every year would be to draw them a map.,
Charge #4 Their mascot is incredibly lame. And worse, French.,
Exhibit B Top 5 Duke Scandals,
Charge #5 The word "lifetime" evidently doesn't mean the same thing to Coach K as it does to the rest of us.,
Charge #6 Duke is where big men's careers go to die.,
Charge #7 Duke causes cancer.,
Exhibit C J. J. Redick's Poetry,
Charge #8 Dookies are fair-weather fans who cannot be counted on when their teams get down.,
Charge #9 [This charge has been redacted for fear that Coach K might call us and scorch the earth with F-bombs for twenty minutes.],
Charge #10 Duke would not play a true road game against a quality opponent if Coach K's vertebrae depended on it.,
Exhibit D Top 12 Most Humiliating Moments,
Charge #11 The media are a bunch of slobbering, pro-Blue Devils fools who lay awake nights fantasizing about running their fingers through Coach K's downy toupee.,
Charge #12 Coach K uses six pounds of lampblack on his hair per week.,
Charge #13 "The Stomp" managed to encapsulate everything we hate about Duke in a single, awful moment: dickish behavior, an entitled mentality, preferential treatment, selective memory loss by the media, and floppy hair.,
Exhibit E Match-the-Quote Game,
Charge #14 Duke's coaching tree is not exactly a mighty oak.,
Charge #15 Duke is paranoid, and it can feel your hate breathing on the back of its neck, all wet and hot and smelling of ribs sauce.,
Charge #16 Duke students are a bunch of wealthy, elitist punks who you probably wouldn't want to get stuck talking to at the polo match.,
Exhibit F Duke's All-Overpaid NBA Team,
Charge #17 Duke gets more calls than a Mumbai customer-service center.,
Charge #18 The school's architecture sucks.,
Exhibit G The Elton Brand E-mail,
Charge #19 Duke players in the NBA are not exactly setting the world on fire.,
Charge #20 Duke flops worse than a latter-day Nic Cage movie.,
Charge #21 The Cameron Crazies ain't all they're cracked up to be. Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.,
Charge #22 Duke is most hated in its own backyard.,
Charge #23 Coach K is too good to autograph anything for you.,
Exhibit H Why Your Team Hates Duke,
Charge #24 Coach K's program has had more defectors than Cuba.,
Charge #25 Gimme a P! Gimme an L! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an N!,
Exhibit I Frankendookie,
Charge #26 Gaaaaaaaaaaaaak.,
Exhibit J Top 11 Most Hated Duke Players (Because a List of 10 Was Just Not Enough),
Charge #8 Afterword,
About the Authors,
Copyright Page,

Customer Reviews

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Duke Sucks 3.5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 17 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I wouldn't even consider myself a big college basketball fan, but I've still always hated Duke. Who doesn't?! The authors give us plenty of reasons why our hatred is justified, including charges ranging from "Duke gets more calls than a Mumbai customer-service center" to "The only way the tournament selection committee could give Duke an easier road to the Final Four every year would be to draw them a map." A great gift for any college sports enthusiast and sure to deliver plenty of laughs for yourself.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am a duke fan. they can do no wrong,other than to not beat carolina.i enjoyed the book in that i could see why i dont like carolina.the authors put a lot of research into the book?coach Ks hair??come on,u are looking for bugs.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
My bro likes duke so PO you little butt!!!!!!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is a very entertaining and very well researched book, must get!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
You didn't mention kentucky. That's what i meant, bro.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Duke basketball team made it to the finals.
BlueDevilsForEver More than 1 year ago
The authors of this worthless POS book are Tarbaby twits who only wish they had the class of the Duke Blue Devils.    
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I enjoyed every page! As they say the truth is ugly and funny.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am so buying this book! I want to be a Tar Heel sooo bad and I completely despise Duke. It's so obvious that Duke is out to, like, kill anyone who tries to show the world how awful they are. Duke sucks and who doesn't hate them?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Duke sucks. They got a fairly easy path this year too.
luvmynookJG More than 1 year ago
You would think by the title that the book would just be full of lies or other untruths about Duke but it actually isn't. If you are one of those people who think Duke gets all of the good calls and that they are nowhere near as good as the NCAA tries to make them appear, you will love this book. Read the truth about this school.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Ok my sister looked up duke the dasketball team and she was daloading duke vs kentukey and all the sudden it daloaded this mean book calld Duck sucks
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I did not mean to get this book help
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guess what carolina fans my life long dream is to go to duke ans obviously we have 100% more class than u. Duke can sue.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Logan was here