Family Guy: It takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

Family Guy: It takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780061143328
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 05/08/2007
Series: Family Guy (Harper Entertainment) Series
Pages: 96
Product dimensions: 7.50(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.50(d)

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Family Guy: It takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

Chapter One

Lois Pewterschmidt Griffin, My Living History

I was twelve years old when I found out I was rich. Growing up in Newport, everyone was well-off, so it wasn't until we took a trip to New York City that I really understood what a huge disparity there was between the wealthy and the poor. My parents and I were walking out of Radio City Music Hall where we had just seen the Rockettes in their Christmas Show. Daddy was talking about how beautiful the dancers' legs were and how my mother had really "let herself go," when we happened upon a homeless man. The man looked as if he were in his forties, and he wore an old, filthy coat with tattered sleeves. As we passed, he extended his grimy hand, palm up, and begged, "Spare some change, Sir?"

I remember looking up at my father as he reached into his front trouser pocket, fumbling for some change. After a moment, my father pulled his empty hand out of his pocket and flipped the beggar the bird saying, "Bite me, ya' hobo!" On the car ride home, Mother explained to me that there are two types of people in the world: those with money and those who are just filthy and lazy.

That summer I went to sleep-away camp for the first time. It was at the Park Barrington Hotel in Newport and we were really roughing it. Maid service came only once every other day. I shared my room with a girl named Sharon Hendricks, who was accepted to the camp on scholarship. She was middle-class, but very pretty. I will never forget some of the important life lessons I learned from Sharon that summer. I learned that most people don't have hundreds ofthousands of dollars in liquid assets. I learned that lower-income girls got their periods earlier. I learned that "Labia Majora" was not the name of a character in Private Benjamin. But most importantly, I learned that, money wasn't everything, and that most people in the world are good people just trying to get by.

A Word from Carter Pewterschmidt

Had Lois been born a boy, she would have been the perfect child. She was always very strong-willed and highly intelligent, but that pesky vagina always got in the way of her ability to be truly great. Originally, we had high hopes for her older brother, Patrick, until he started murdering people. And not the good kind of covert C.I.A murder, but the sloppy, angry, America's Most Wanted, lower-class type of murder. Once I accepted the fact that the opening between Lois's legs was not going to heal, and that she would never be an American president, I began to look forward to a bright future for her as a senator. It wasn't until the fat man came into her life that all of my hopes for her were dashed. Peter Griffin was and is an obese black cloud that will forever darken my days.

Family Guy: It takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One. Copyright © by Alex Borstein. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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