Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships

by Jayson Gaddis

Overview

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL BESTSELLER

Relationship teacher, coach, and founder of The Relationship School Jayson Gaddis reveals the origins of conflict styles, how to stop avoiding difficult conversations, and how to resolve conflict in our most important relationships.

Conflicts in our closest relationships are scary because so much is at stake. If the conflict doesn't go well, we could lose our marriage, our family or our job, all connected to our security and survival. So we do just about anything not to lose those relationships, including avoid conflict, betraying ourselves or becoming dishonest. Unresolved conflict affects every single aspect of our lives, from self-confidence to physical and mental health.

Jayson Gaddis is a personal trainer for relationships and one of the world’s leading authorities on interpersonal conflict. For almost two decades, Gaddis has helped individuals, couples, and teams get to the bottom of their deepest conflicts. He helps people see the wisdom in conflict and how to get to zero—which means we have successfully worked through our conflict and have nothing in the way of a good connection.

In Getting to Zero, Gaddis shows the reader how to stop running away from uncomfortable conversations and instead learn how to work through them. Through funny personal stories, uncomfortable examples, and effective tools and skills, he shows the reader how to move from disconnection to connection, acceptance, and understanding. This method upgrades the old tired and static conflict resolution approaches and offers a fresh, street-level, user-friendly road map on exactly how to work through conflict with the people you care most about.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780306924811
Publisher:	Hachette Books
Publication date:	10/05/2021
Pages:	320
Sales rank:	667,387
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Jayson Gaddis, author, podcaster, speaker, and “personal trainer for relationships,” is a global leader on interpersonal conflict and connection. He got tired of complaining that street-level relationship skills are not taught in school, so he founded The Relationship School, an impact-based company dedicated to helping individuals, couples, and teams work out their differences in order to have indestructible relationships. He is the creator of Interpersonal Intelligence® and Present Centered Relationship Coaching® and the Getting To Zero Method™. He’s been married to his amazing wife since 2007 and has two beautiful kids. They live in Boulder, Colorado. 

Table of Contents

Part 1 Before Conflict-What is Conflict and What is Zero?

1 My Life of Conflict 3

2 What is Conflict? 19

3 How Most People Do Conflict 35

4 How to Become a Relational Leader 47

5 Your Relational Blueprint 57

6 Your Scared Animal 71

7 The Price Tag of Avoiding Conflict 85

Part 2 During Conflict-How to Get to Zero

8 How to Resolve Your inner Conflict 107

9 How to Be With Your Triggers During Conflict 125

10 How to Be With Their Triggers During Conflict 143

11 How to Listen During and After Conflict 157

12 How to Speak During and After Conflict 175

Part 3 Do's & Don'ts of Conflict-How to Stay at Zero

13 The Five Most Common Fights and How to Face Them 197

14 The Ten Roadblocks to Reconnection and What to Do Instead 219

15 The Twelve Agreements to Ease Conflict 239

16 How to Resolve Value Differences 251

17 If You Can't Get to Zero 267

Conclusion 289

Acknowledgments 293

More Resources 301

References 305

Editorial Reviews

08/30/2021

Counselor Gaddis (The Smart Couple Quote Book) presents information from his work with the Relationship School, a consultancy for helping individuals and businesses develop stronger interpersonal relationships, about the nature and value of conflict to keep relationships healthy. Conflict is not limited to big fights and shouting matches, Gaddis writes, before exploring low-level discomforts which “are much more subtle and nuanced.” His goal is to help readers understand how to “get to zero” in conflicts—which is an understanding that resolution can only come through reconnecting with others and ourselves. Gaddis first advises readers to move from feeling like a victim to being the “author” in their own life by redirecting memories and stories one tells themselves about the past—experiences that inform how one react to others, even in situations that do not involve trauma or extreme stress. Gaddis then provides steps for managing triggers (such as breathing exercises), being a good listener, and when and how to respond to contentious people or situations. Gaddis’s solid groundwork will help anyone who fears conflict or wants their relationships to gain depth and intimacy. Agent: Jan Miller at Dupree Miller & Assoc. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

In this compelling guide to approaching conflict in our most intimate relationships, Jayson Gaddis offers a science-informed, practical toolbox for resolving the inevitable tensions that arise in our personal and professional lives. Filled with useful concepts and readily applicable steps to sensing and solving interpersonal challenges, repairing ruptures when they occur, this book is not about trying to achieve a life without difficulties in our relationships, but is about moving toward a receptive state of calm and clarity—a state our author names as “zero”—in which we can engage our inner life and our connections with others with kindness and presence that research suggests are at the core of mutually rewarding, generative ways of living with compassion, connection, and well-being.”—Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Executive Director, Mindsight Institute, New York Times bestselling author IntraConnected; Mind; Mindsight, and Aware

“Getting to Zero is an excellent guidebook for anyone looking to improve their conflict management skills. Jayson’s storytelling is impactful, his insights are wise, and his message is clear and heartfelt.”—"Coach Mike" Bayer, New York Times bestselling author of Best Self and One Decision

“Jayson Gaddis has written, in our view, one of the most clear and helpful books on this endemic feature of our humanity: conflict. If you want to know what conflict is and how to resolve it, Getting to Zero will give you to that destination. We recommend this book to everyone who has ever felt that twitch which plunges us into darkness. While it is replete with accessible theory about what is happening in your mind and brain, it is even more generous with practical guidance from that will lead you from conflict to connection.”—Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

"Jayson Gaddis’ excellent new book, Getting to Zero, is a fabulous couple guide to conflict solutions interspersed with inspirational self-disclosures of Jayson's own life and relationship experiences. He provides valuable conceptual framing and techniques for managing conflict. His detailed insights will be of great value to readers interested in effective loving relationships."

—Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) and author of We Do and Wired for Love

"Jayson Gaddis has dedicated his life to understanding the dizzyingly complex, emotionally-charged territory of relationships. The knowledge he has accumulated is a gold mine for anyone looking to create deep, fulfilling connections with others. This book is a lifeline for anyone who has wondered how to thrive in relationships."—Cory Muscara, Host of Mindfulness.com and Author of Stop Missing Your Life

"Jayson Gaddis has done it! He has written a brilliant, practical book that leaves no stone unturned in its quest for healthier relationships. Far too many relationships fall apart because humans have never been taught how to convert conflict into transformation. This book stops the bleeding, and provides the tools and techniques that every relationship needs to get to the other side."—Jeff Brown, author of An Uncommon Bond and Grounded Spirituality

"As a couples therapist, professor, and relationship educator, I am excited to recommend Getting to Zero to my clients and students. Jayson Gaddis is a magnificent teacher—thoughtful, warm, nerdy, practical, and wise. The approach he offers on these pages is one that serves our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls. Dive in! You are going to be so glad you did... and the people you love will be so glad too!"—Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, faculty, School of Education and Social Policy, Northwestern University; author of Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back

"Finally a book that gets right to the heart of how to work with relational conflict! Jayson Gaddis brilliantly helps the reader understand what conflict is, why it arises and offers a roadmap through these challenging times. His ability to weave together psychology, human behavior and interpersonal dynamics leaves no stone unturned. Thank you, Jayson, for your tremendous contribution to this part of the human experience that many find themselves lost in. This book is a must-read for everyone."—Lisa Dion, LPC, RPT-S, President of the Synergetic Play Therapy Institute and creator of Synergetic Play Therapy

“Getting to Zero is the ultimate loving relationships guide for anyone who would love to transform disconnection to connection, conflict into communication, victim mentality into victory mentality, survival into thrival, and inauthenticity into authenticity.”—Dr. John Demartini, international bestselling author of The Values Factor

"Getting to Zero holds the keys to deepening your relationships and exponentially up-leveling your joy in life! Jayson Gaddis has written the step-by-step guide on resolving conflict from the inside out. As founder of The Relationship School and relational expert, Jayson seamlessly untangles the complexity of resolving conflict to makes the process accessible to all of us if you want to be seen, heard, and understood in your relationships.”—Terri Cole, psychotherapist, relationship expert, author of Boundary Boss

From the Publisher