Gorilla With Cellulite: Believe in Life's Magic

Gorilla With Cellulite: Believe in Life's Magic

by Rosaria La Pietra


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781504357586
Publisher: Balboa Press
Publication date: 03/17/2017
Pages: 254
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.53(d)

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In the beginning there was an Ape

Tuesday, 5th May 11.30 pm

Dear Mac

Today is the first day of my new life! This morning the book was finally delivered to the office! Oh I love Amazon ... it is so reliable, unlike all men I know!

Anyway, let's not go there! They are absolutely useless ...

So I was saying, the book has arrived. Mum suggested I read it, 'Listen to Your Body, your best friend on Earth'. My mother is and always was a bit out there, very New Age! But I am in such a downward spiral at the moment, nothing is working out for me, I figured I have nothing to lose but £12 on a book!

I can positively say that I have not been happy in a very long time and not to be a drama queen, I can't even remember when I truly felt happy! When things go well for me I know that something bad is going to happen! My lovely flatmates Jamie and Millie are in the same situation and just last Friday we promised each other, on yet another boozy night, that we were going to seek something to get us out of this funk! Jamie said he will take up yoga (I personally think he should take up a personal trainer, cos he could do with losing a little weight!) I love him and I don't want him to get a heart attack, his belly looks like a baby bump of a 5 month pregnant woman! Millie said that she will look into a holiday for us in Ibiza, maybe for the end of June to celebrate my birthday. She seems to think that we need a holiday! Drinking and partying in the sun, maybe she has a point. My parents live in Ibiza and if we went we could stay with them. But then again, what if, for some reason (very unlikely reason) I manage to meet a boy? I would not want to bring him to my parents' place! Anyway, let's see, Millie comes up with amazing ideas when she's had a few, but nothing ever comes of them as she is permanently working.

I have decided to listen to my Mum for once and take up her advice. She says that things are great for me and that I should be grateful for who I am and what I am. I should count my blessings. What blessings I say?! She always says ''Honey you are a beautiful, smart, successful young lady and have a lot going on for you ... you just need to see it!" But as far as my eyes and head can see, I am none of that! And I feel that things have hit rock bottom!

Hang on, actually things did get worse ... this morning ... I had a meeting with Chris, the HOT junior office manager. We went to the boardroom, which has such incredibly unattractive lighting, and as I sat down my skirt zip broke, making a sort of fart sound! It was so embarrassing. I am sure that he heard the noise, but I pretended that nothing happened. I cleared my throat and opened up my folder, very aware of how red my cheeks had gone and swiftly moved into the agenda for the day. I felt like Hell had opened up and swallowed me, why did my big fat arse have to do that to me in front of Chris!

Oh Mac, have I told you about Chris (I know, you think "only once or twice. ...")? He is just so hoot/good looking/handsome. You name it! Mmmmm he's like Brad Pitt's younger, fitter brother. I know in my heart that he is the man for me. I'm surprised I don't drool at my desk when I see him walk through the office!

He looked super cute this morning! I could barely take my eyes off him(when he wasn't looking at me naturally! I can't meet his eyes, I get too flustered and I am afraid I might blurt out something silly like 'you are so gorgeous, I love you!') He has the most amazing, penetrating blue eyes! He must think I am a loser. Well he is right, I am! Although my Mum doesn't think so but she is my Mother after all!

So, my efforts on becoming thinner and therefore less of a loser are failing ... I cannot believe that the Cambridge diet has not worked, it worked for Vicky (my assistant), and why after all these efforts I am still a size 12! I give up, what's the point; I put myself through so much torture and for what? So that my big fat behind explodes in my skirt in front of the delicious Chris?

Thank God for Vicky though, when I finished the meeting, I asked Chris to leave and called her into the boardroom and she helped me fix the skirt with a pin. What a way to start a Monday and I had been looking forward to having a private meeting with Chris for such a long time! I even had a dream about him. We were in a park, having a picnic, we were drinking champagne, eating strawberries, and he leant over and said: "I want to kiss you! I love you so much, I must have you!" and just as he was kissing me, the alarm went off! Arrrgh!!!! Annoying. ... But such a lovely dream. ...

After the meeting, the book arrived ... I took it as a sign ... You know how much I believe in signs. Could this book help me to change my life? Is it yet another self-help book that my Mum has suggested I read? I love my Mum, of course I do, but sometimes I think she is from another planet. Positive-thinking, vegan diet, yoga, meditation, self-love ... she is like Mother Teresa, yet she ended up with such a mess of a daughter! Maybe it's her soul mission, she always harps on about soul mission. I mean, what on earth is that? Who knows, I have never asked her as I don't want to get her started on the cosmic/astrology/spiritual bla, bla, bla. ...

The foreword of this book says "This Book has been written especially for you", what? - a loser like me??? "By venturing into its pages, you have consciously made a decision to improve the quality of your life" So far so good ... "For whatever reason you opened this book" – Er because I want Chris to be my boyfriend, I want to be skinny and I hate my job with a passion! "Be assured that throughout its pages you and I will become friends on your journey of transformation ... Hopefully, you have chosen to read this book because you've made the valuable decision to finally become the master of your life" Yes I want to start ... Chris you and I will get married! It will be on a white, sandy beach in Thailand, I will be wearing a white dress and I will be a beautiful size 8. Daydreaming, my favourite pastime ...

Oh shit, it's gone midnight, I really need to get myself to sleep ... I am feeling hopeful!

Good Night Mac!

K x

Wednesday, 6th May 6.30 am

Dear Mac

OMG, WTF! What happened to me during the night? I woke up looking like a big hairy She-gorilla, (need to book my wax today)! God I am so fat! My thighs jiggle when I move and look like cottage cheese. Honestly I must stop eating the stuff – they say "you are what you eat" – seemingly I am a tub of lumpy dairy. From today I am going to be super-healthy! No food today!

Best get ready and get to work ... I need to make look myself presentable, although I will definitely stay out Chris' way today ... I am still so embarrassed to face him. Nonetheless I do feel hopeful this morning, this could truly be the first day of my new life!

10.30 pm

Hey Mac - What a day! ... it felt sooo long ... paperwork, silly meetings, boooring ... HR is not for me, office politics are not for me! I did see Chris, we met in the lift after work. As per usual when I see him I go into a fluster, I was so embarrassed from the zip/ skirt-breaking incident, I could not bring myself to string a single sentence together, I only managed a "Hi". He looked amazing. I love his thick, dark blond hair, blue eyes and he is so fiiiit. ... I think he plays rugby, I love rugby players ... and he smells divine ... oh I sooo love him, I can just visualise our beach wedding; he is wearing a white linen suit, no shirt ...

Yes! I must lose weight to get Chris! I have been good all day, ate absolutely nothing, just drunk plenty of coffee and sugar free red bull to keep me going and then tonight I blew it! Jamie and Millie ordered a pizza takeaway and I could not resist, there was ice cream too! I don't know how many calories I ate, but I don't feel so good right now. Will I ever learn? I will start again tomorrow, as Scarlet O'Hara says "after all tomorrow is another day" That's my motto!

Anyhow, let's draw a thick, bold, dark line under that! On a more positive note Mac, I have started reading dear Mother's book and, I have decided, I am going to keep a very open mind and even do the exercises that Lise suggests doing at the end of each chapter! I always swore not to get sucked into these so called "Self Help"

Books, they are silly! Look at Vicky, my assistant, she reads tonnes of them and she is still the same! But at my age, I just feel that I don't want to carry on like this. I am desperate, I am 29, fat, single and I hate my job! I want to get married (maybe to Chris!), I want a new job, I want to be slim ... so as the X Factor competitors say "this could be my last chance"!

So anyway ... Chapter 1 is entitled "A common Purpose." Here are the main points I picked up. ...

"Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you are doing on the planet? Why are you here? What is your purpose? The answer is simple ... TO EVOLVE, TO GROW. We are here to grow as individuals and grow collectively." Maybe she is talking about evolution of the species?

"As manifestations of Universal Energy, as living things, once we stop growing, we die ... As human beings, full expression of our growth happens on a soul level. The seed of the Divine Life Force is planted in the soul of every human being, thus our sole purpose is our 'soul purpose'.

In every religion, the fundamental truths are LOVE and FAITH. Being human, we become entangled in our problems" - You can say that again! 'Complicating our lives' me? Noooo! "Throwing ourselves off the path and losing touch with the two simple truths. Jesus taught us that unconditional love for ourselves and for each other is the light that will keep our vision clear, allowing us to clearly see our path in life. Once a human being has learned to love himself and others unconditionally he will have mastered the material works and found inner peace and true fulfilment. We are all manifestations of God's pure love and energy."

Jeez Louise! She sounds like Mum, the New Age basher!! But as I said, although I want to throw up in my mouth after reading this first chapter, I am determined to do the exercises; my desire for a better life is stronger than my scepticism. I want Chris, I want to be slim and I want to be like Stephanie! Oh, have I mentioned her before? - Miss Picture Perfect. French - well she says she is Parisian (excuse me!)- tall, dark long hair, slim (of course, all French women are slim!), wealthy (of bloody course!) and engaged to Paul. Who is also perfect! Although I have actually never seen him, I just overheard her talk about him on the phone. Tall, good looking, dark and intense, wealthy! Yes she has it all. No wonder there is nothing left for me! Stephanie makes me feel so self-conscious, I always seem to stuff my face after an encounter with her! She is like a race horse and I am a she-gorilla with orange-peel thighs! The b***h has NO cellulite, how is it possible?!!! You may wonder how I know she has no cellulite? I have seen her in a biking last year, during our company day. Our boss gave treated us to a SPA day, naturally I was in my bathrobe all day. I mean ... I am not going to be the joke of the company and wear a bikini in fort of everyone? Mind you, I am already the joke of the company! Ahhh self-pity, self-pity!

BTW I think gorillas are amazing animals, but it is not very attractive for a woman of the human species to look like a gorilla!

As usual, I have gone off-track, let's get back to Lise.

"Remember that the Earth itself is a living entity. In Quantum Theory, we are tied to the Earth and to each other on a cellular level. Physicists have known for many years that energy is indestructible and boundless. Our energy field, or life force, is interchangeable with everything and everyone around us, just as other fields interact with ours. In taking personal responsibility for our spiritual growth, we contribute to the growth of other and the growth and harmony of our own planet." Wow - tooo far-out for me at this stage!

"Throughout this book, you will be given tools that will help you become the MASTER OF YOUR LIFE", Ok now she is making sense again "As you develop faith and love of yourself, you will radiate a powerful, positive energy that will transform everyone and everything around you." That's great, but really I am just looking at improving my life. Leave saving the world to Mum, Greenpeace and Amnesty International.

"You must take your eyes off what is happening outside of you and take a moment to look inwards." Whatever that means Mac?! "I know you are telling yourself 'it sounds so easy, but I find it very difficult to look inside myself. I am afraid of what I might find.' This fear has been programmed in your subconscious mind from past experiences on the material level, from your parents and from society in general." It is always the parent's fault! "The point is, it has been programmed in and has undermined the state of bliss that we are born into naturally. The universe creates us in happiness and love ... IT IS OUR NATURAL STATE TO BE HAPPY AND TO GROW BY VIRTUE OF BEING ALIVE"

Ergo Mac, I need to start looking inside myself and there I will meet the divinity that resides in me. And how the hell do I start looking inside? Divinity what? I feel as though she is talking a different language. And it all sounds quite ridiculous! But I promised I would not be cynical about it and give it a chance.

"Do not be afraid to look inside yourself – you will find your inner power (which we will refer as your inner God from now on). Only by finding Him and befriending Him will you have all the strength you will need to accomplish what it is you desire, become the master of your own life." Why does she refer to God as male, I think it is wrong!

"If you are a beginner of the path to personal growth, you may experience some distress and some discomfort on the physical and emotional level. You might have the impression that your very foundation is crumbling as you let go of your old programming. It is only an illusion. You are ridding yourself of the shackles of the past – letting go of emotional baggage and preconceived ideas. YOU ARE BECOMING FREE! Once you learn to trust, to have faith in the process, you will let go of the fear and learn to love ... YOU MUST ACT! Only through conscious action and repetition will you achieve your goals, intensifying your purification and growth. Remember, you are REPROGRAMMING your subconscious mind. The subconscious mind only understands ACTION. ... remain MINDFUL and understand that the only reality there is, exists in the inner realm. All else is illusion. Before becoming visible, everything is created in the invisible."

Thus I am the way that I am because of some programming I picked up whilst growing up. What I now need to do is to re-programme my subconscious mind to change. Let go of the old me and welcome a new, improved version of me (?). Perhaps Apple could invent a software for humans to reprogram their sorry lives and become successful. If only Steve Jobs were alive! He could make it happen!

In addition to that I also need to BELIEVE and have FAITH.

"The only reason why you have not accomplished what you have wanted in your life thus far is because you did not BELIEVE it was possible. You did not have FAITH. One of the greatest mistakes we make as human beings is failing to accept this power. REMEMBER, thoughts are energy! Once your thoughts are clear, you will be able to manifest it, to create whatever you want."

A little too good to be true, but why not try? In for a penny, in for a pound. I once read a quote from Albert Einstein that says 'The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results'. Mr Einstein had a point, so I will do something different for once in my life and I will give the exercises at the end of each chapter a go.

Chapter 1 Exercises:

"Take a sheet of paper" How old is Lise? Does anybody still use paper? I have my fabulous Mac "... and write down everything you can remember doing IN THE PAST WEEK in the following categories:

What have you done just for yourself and made you feel good or brought you happiness?"

Chocolate! I eat chocolate every day (apart from today, ha no, that's a lie, I had chocolate Chip ice cream!!) and it made me feel good, for 1 minute! Not much else I am afraid!

Wait, I forgot my best friends Jamie and Millie. Thank goodness for those two, they keep me sane and they love me just as I am. It's nice to be loved unconditionally, no judgment.

Jamie reminds me of a chocolate brown Labrador, he has gorgeous, big, brown eyes, brown hair and tall, but sadly he is a "little" (about 2 stone) overweight and his skin is very blemished. But he is an amazing, caring person and I wish I was attracted to him, but the thought of kissing him, nah ... Chris, on the other hand ... I am obsessed with him! He looks like a young Robert Redford ... his voice is so deep oh ... I have to stop, I am getting too excited and it's late, I might not be able to get to sleep!

Jamie is also very clever and artistic. He's the IT manager of a big American law firm (the same company Millie works for as a lawyer), but his true passion is photography. He takes fantastic pictures. He took a portrait picture of me and it has now become my profile picture on Facebook. I really don't like having my pictures taken, but this one shows me in a completely different light, I look stunning even if I say so myself!


Excerpted from "Gorilla with Cellulite"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Rosaria La Pietra.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Part 1 In the beginning there was an Ape, 1,
Part 2 The Ape is in Love, 39,
Part 3 The Ape and the broken heart, 209,
Part 4 The Ape and Forgiveness, 219,
Part 5 The metamorphosis of the Ape, 235,

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