Have a Nice Guilt Trip

Have a Nice Guilt Trip

Audiobook(CD - Unabridged)

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781427232939
Publisher: Macmillan Audio
Publication date: 07/08/2014
Series: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman , #5
Edition description: Unabridged
Pages: 6
Product dimensions: 5.10(w) x 5.90(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

LISA SCOTTOLINE is a bestselling and Edgar Award–winning author and a columnist for The Philadelphia Inquirer. She has been published in thirty countries. She lives in the Philadelphia area with an array of disobedient pets.

FRANCESCA SCOTTOLINE SERRITELLA graduated cum laude from Harvard University, where she won the Thomas Temple Hoopes Prize, the Le Baron Russell Briggs Fiction Prize and the Charles Edmund Horman Prize for her creative writing. She lives in New York with only one dog, so far.

Hometown:

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Date of Birth:

July 1, 1955

Place of Birth:

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Education:

B.A., University of Pennsylvania, 1976; J.D., University of Pennsylvania Law School, 1981

Read an Excerpt

Homely Remedies

By Lisa

I hate it when Mother Mary is right, which is always.

We begin a zillion years ago, when I’m a little kid with a bad cold, and Mother Mary goes instantly for the Vicks VapoRub. As a child, I had more Vicks Vapo rubbed on me than most consumptives. My chest was as shiny as a stripper’s and even more fragrant.

Camphor is still my favorite perfume.

Which could be why I’m single.

Another favorite home remedy of hers was the do-it-yourself humidifier. By this I mean she placed a Pyrex baking dish full of water on every radiator in the house.

I never knew why, and neither did my friends. None of them had radiators, because they had nicer houses. They had something called forced air, which sounded vaguely scary to us. The Flying Scottolines never forced anything, especially something you needed to breathe.

And in the summer, those same people had central air, which was something else we didn’t have. Our air lacked centralization. The only central thing in our house was Mother Mary, and that was how she liked it.

But back to the do-it-yourself humidifiers, which sat like an open-air fishbowl on every radiator. As a child, I understood that this would cure something dreadful called Dry Air, which we had in spades. I didn’t really understand why Uncle Mikey had to move to Arizona for the Dry Air, when he could’ve just moved to our house, but be that as it may, I was grateful that I had an all-knowing mother, who understood that air came in forced, central, and dry, and that everything could be cured by Pyrex.

The only time this was a problem was on Sundays, when Mother Mary actually wanted to bake ziti or eggplant parm, and there were no dishes available except for the ones cooking water on the radiators. She would dispatch me to get a Pyrex dish off the radiator and wash it out, and I would do so happily, if the end result was eggplant parm.

I will still do anything for eggplant parm.

Make a note, should we meet.

But back to the story, cleaning the baking dishes was a yucky job. Often the water in the dishes would have dried up, leaving a scummy residue, and even if there was some water left, it wasn’t a pretty sight. Dog and cat hair would be floating on the surface, or ash from a passing cigarette.

According to Mother Mary, smoking was fine for air quality.

You win some, you lose some.

So fast-forward to when I become a mother myself, and baby Francesca gets sick, and of course Mother Mary advocates Vicks and Pyrex, but I reject these ideas as old-fashioned. I am Modern.

Enter antibiotics.

I had that kid so pumped up with amoxicillin she could’ve grown mold. In fact, I had her on them prophylactically, so she’d never get another ear infection, and if I could have her on them now, I would, so she’d never get pregnant.

I’m kidding.

It’s a joke, okay?

But then recently, I got the worst cold ever, and I called the doctor, who told me that antibiotics weren’t such a hot idea and what I really needed was Vicks VapoRub and a humidifier. I couldn’t believe my ears. I wanted the magic pill to make it all better but he says that it’s a virus and all that, and no.

I didn’t tell this to Mother Mary. Don’t you, either.

I suppose I could just get a Pyrex dish and put it on the radiator, but I am still Modern and I refuse. Also the doctor says I need a cool-mist humidifier, and not a warm-mist humidifier, and once again, I feel lucky to learn more about the mysteries of air, which now comes in mist.

Who knew oxygen could be so complicated?

So I go to the drugstore, buy the requisite cool-mist humidifier, and bring it home. I spend exactly one night with this thing and want to shoot myself. It’s thirty degrees outside, and in my bedroom, it’s twenty. An Arctic chill blasts from the cool-mist humidifier, and I’m up all night.

So I go back to the drugstore and buy a warm-mist humidifier. I take it home, and it frizzes my hair, but you can’t have everything. Also, it comes with a little slot for a stick that’s impregnated with Vicks VapoRub, and you know what I’m thinking.

This is the revenge of Mother Mary.

Copyright © 2014 by Smart Blonde, LLC, and Francesca Scottoline Serritella

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Homely Remedies 5

Shades of Gray 8

Baby Fever 11

Fun for Free 14

With Apologies to Mary Poppins 17

The Married-Ex Milestone 20

Brusha Brusha Brusha 24

Mother Mary and The Fighting Scottolines 27

Mother Mary Misbehaves 31

Third Month's the Charm 34

The Scent of a Woman 38

With Apologies to L'Oreal 41

Bon Voyage? 45

In Which I Officially Hit the Wall! 48

William Wordsworth Needs a New Password 51

Love and Marriage, Then Divorce 54

You Say Tomato 57

Call of Jury Duty 60

To Catch a Predator 64

Dog Years 67

I'm on It, Walt 71

Stage Mom 74

Extra Extra Crispy 78

Ovarian Contrarian 81

Saving Grace 84

Be Careful What You Wish List 87

I Know It When I See It 91

Stars and Puppies 94

Milk Sheke 98

The True Meaning of Words 102

Rolling Without Homies 106

Happy Thanksgiving 109

Novelistic 112

Post-Puberty 115

Gym Pat 118

Gifts for Him 122

Mother Mary and the 600 Thread Count 125

The Season of Giving 128

Happy New Year Dotcom 131

Being Good in the New Year 134

They Call Alabama the Crimson Tide 138

Unreal Estate 141

I Want a Name When I Lose 144

Thought Bubbles 148

A Dog's Pursuit of the Far-Fetched 151

Fish & Game 154

Recipe for Disaster 158

Number One Can Be Hazardous to Your Health 161

Urban Studies 164

Season to Taste 167

Airport Insecurity 170

Festival du Crime 173

Relationship Spoiler Alert 176

Engagement Ring-A-Ding Ding 179

Extremely Speedy Delivery 182

Frankenfood 185

Demanding 188

Old MacDonald Takes Manhattan 191

Desitin Days 195

Mother Mary Talks to God and Luis 198

With Our Powers Combined 202

God, Man, and Prada 205

Hobby Horse 208

King Baby 211

Politics and Farm-Fresh Eggs 214

Handygirl 219

Mother Nature Is a Bad Mom 223

Make It Twerk 226

Gangrene Thumb 230

Reply Hazy, Try Again 233

Restaurant Wars 237

Greased Lightning 240

Do the Meth 243

Suing Stevie Wonder 246

Ho for the Burn 250

Magic Kingdom 253

A Wall of Guilt 257

Mrs. Uncle Sam 263

Mother Mary Twerks It Out 266

My Grandmother is Not the Same 270

Acknowledgments 277

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Have a Nice Guilt Trip 4.7 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
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I take it you dont want me anymore.- mackenzie