Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact

Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact

by Emily Axford, Brian Murphy


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Who better to write a very humorous manual about evolving modern relationships than two CollegeHumor veterans and viral-video stars who happen to be a real-life husband-and-wife team? With candor, bite, and charm, HEY, U UP? takes readers on an eight-chapter journey through the trials of hooking up to the foibles of marriage, and combines the authors’ prescriptive advice with the unfolding story of their own relationship. HEY, U UP? tackles all the milestones of relationships today—both glorious and embarrassing— with sections ranging from “How to Ask Someone Out After You’ve Slept with Them” all the way to “Establish Your Family as the Christmas Family by Turning Your Significant Other Against Their Own Parents.” In addition to the laugh-out-loud essays, lists, questionnaires, and even flowcharts further enliven the pages.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781419729140
Publisher: ABRAMS
Publication date: 02/13/2018
Pages: 208
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.30(d)

About the Author

Emily Axford’s pieces have been featured in McSweeney’s and The Onion and she has appeared on Inside Amy Schumer and The Colbert Report. Brian Murphy is the founding editor of dorkly.com and the cocreator of the Dinosaur Office video series for Nintendo. They both appear on TruTV’s Adam Ruins Everything. Based in Los Angeles, they are the writers and stars of the show Hot Date for the cable network Pop.

Table of Contents

Introduction 12

I Hooking Up 17

Stop Hooking Down and Start Hooking Up! 19

Manipulate Someone into Sleeping with you by Being Genuinely Interested in Them 26

How to Infect Their Phone with the Virus of You 28

Send Sexts so Good, You'll want then to get Leaked 30

Are You Sexually Compatible? (Keeping in Mind he Gets Five Tries to Give You an Orgams) 34

69-ing Your way to a more satisfied you 36

Predict the Future of the Relationship by overanalyzing Brunch 39

II Dating 45

Should You Date? An Equation 48

How to Ask Someone Out on a Date After You've Already Slept with Them 49

The Treacherous Lands of Dating 52

Why to Pretend to be, Other than Your Garbage Self 55

Find Out If They're Playing Mind Games with You by Playing Mind Games With Them (With a Select Your Own "Venture"!) 59

Define the Relationship by Overanalyzing How They Introduce You to Their Friends 63

Piece Together What Their Last Relationship Was Like By Stalking Their Ex 67

Casually Bring up that You Want to be Strictly Exclusive 70

III New Relationship 75

Choose the Perfect Profile Picture for Social Media 77

Single You vs. Couple You 81

What to do Now That Everyone Wants to Bone You 86

How to Relate to Your Single Friends Now that You're an Insufferable, Happy Person 88

Your Insufferably Happy Schedule Now that You're in a New Relationship 92

How to Survive Being A +1 at a Wedding: Drinking Game 93

Cobble Together an Anniversary Out of Your Amorphous Beginnings 96

Don't Say "I Love You" First 99

IV Long-Term Relationship 103

Stop Messing Around with Flashy Sexual Positions and Settle on the Two You Like 106

Take Out Your Anger Responsibly [An Inventory of What Is and What Isn't Ok To Throw During a Fight] 108

Establishing Healthy Boundaries and Trust (Unless they Leave their Email Open) 111

Channel Your Jealousy into Productive Activities 113

Things You Can Admit You Like Now 115

Things You Can Admit You Don't Like 117

Pet Names You Should Never Say In Public 119

V Moving in Together 123

The Three "L"S: Love, Lust & Logistics 125

Should You Move in Together? 126

Test the Relationship by Not Hiring Movers 128

How to Decorate Like the Adults You Aren't 130

Distribute the Chores So You're Equality Not Doing Them 133

Half-Assed Chore Chart 134

Which Streaming Service has the Best Murder Porn? 135

Should You Go To Your Friend's Birthday at a Bar? A Quiz 138

Repair the Friendships You Destroyed While You Were Falling in Love 141

Hosting a Dinner Party When You Don't Know Shit About Wine 143

Are You Planning on Having Friends With Kids? 146

VI Getting Engaged 151

Pick the Perfect Diamond for Your Engagement Ring 153

How to Ask for her Dad's Permission Like a Good Little Boy 157

How to Surprise her, Even Though You Just Picked Out a Ring Together 160

How to Ruin Your Proposal By Trying to Make It Go Viral 162

Ways to Stretch Your Engagement Celebration to Its Absolute Limit 163

Learn to Love the Word Fiancé, UGH 167

How to Tell Your In-Laws that You're Not Taking their Last Name without Sounding Like the Drippy Tampon of a Feminist they Suspect You Are 169

Estabish Your Family as the Christmas Family by Turning Your Significant Other Against their Own Parents 173

VII The Wedding 179

Damn It, Now You Have to Plan This Thing: A Checklist 182

How to Discourage People You Don't Like From Coming to Your Wedding 188

Seating Chart Battle Plan 191

A List of Outdated Traditions You Will Be Forced to Participate in 192

Choosing Your Signature Sexist Wedding Cocktail 193

Your Wedding Will Not Be the Best Day of Your Life 196

How to Have Obligatory Sex on Your Wedding Night 198

Epilogue 200


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