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The Housewife Assassin's Handbook (Book 1 - The Housewife Assassin Series)
     

The Housewife Assassin's Handbook (Book 1 - The Housewife Assassin Series)

3.8 36
by Josie Brown
 

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Murder. Suspense. Sex. And some handy household tips. "Secrets, sex, money and scandal! Josie Brown is truly entertaining reading." -- Jackie Collins

IN BOOK 1: THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK:

Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one...and it happens to be government-sanctioned. But Donna earned it the hard way. Her husband

Overview

Murder. Suspense. Sex. And some handy household tips. "Secrets, sex, money and scandal! Josie Brown is truly entertaining reading." -- Jackie Collins

IN BOOK 1: THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK:

Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one...and it happens to be government-sanctioned. But Donna earned it the hard way. Her husband was killed the day she delivered their third child. To avenge her husband's murder, Donna leads a secret life: as an assassin. Espionage makes for strange bedfellows--and brings new meaning to that old adage, "Honey, I'm home..."

EXCERPT:

Chapter 1: Please Read and Follow Directions Carefully . . .
Any woman can be both the perfect housewife and an accomplished assassin, because both functions require the same qualities: creativity; a never-say-die attitude; and an attention to details, no matter how small . . .
*
All I really needed to know about being a freelance assassin I learned before my youngest daughter, Trisha, started kindergarten. I've come to that realization as I lay naked and handcuffed to the bed of my target du jour, a sleazebag by the name of Yuri Petrovich. Yuri has just downed a couple of Viagra with the last of his Starbucks venti-sized non-fat decaf caramel macchiato. This is to ensure us both that his attempt to mount me will have all the gusto of a broncobuster breaking in the wildest filly in the corral before heading on into the sunset. (In truth, we are in a hillside suite at the Chateau Marmont. Considering Yuri's attitude toward women, the cowboyspeak sums things up quite nicely.)

Believe it or not, everything is going just as I planned, and right on schedule.
At least, that is what I tell myself as I watch him unzip his rock star-tight leather pants and squeeze out of them as quickly as he can because his erection, which seems to be growing by the nanosecond, has him wincing in pain. (And in Yuri's fantasy if anyone is going to get hurt, it's going to be me. The handcuffs are proof of that.)

Like, say, 88 percent of all my targets, this Russian mafia boss, who came here to unload a cache of AK-103s on some Idaho Neo-Nazis, has an obsessive-compulsive personality. In Yuri's case that means staying in the same suite at the Marmont every time he hits Los Angeles (although his Slavic accent and pockmarked greaser looks has hardly earned him an iota of the ass-kissing accorded aging rock stars, budding celebutantes, or out-of-town British actors); doing the down-and-dirty with some rent-a-whore, both before and after the arms sale; and drinking macchiatos nonstop, even during his favorite sex act, that Kama Sutra position euphemistically called "the ostrich's tail."

Acme Industries, one of the many new post-9/11 CIA-sanctioned subcontractors that handles any and all dirty tricks that won't pass a Congressional panel sniff test, contracted me to be the honeypot who takes Yuri down. First, I was to stall on the sex until the skinheads showed up. Next, I was to plant a GPS system on one of them, so that ATF can track and apprehend them during the pick-up. And finally, as a show of tit-for-tat diplomacy with Uncle Sam's publicly acknowledged new best friend Russia, I was to see to it that Yuri never left his hotel room alive. Oh yeah, and all of this is supposed to happen before three o'clock, the time in which I have afternoon carpool...

Copyright ©2011 Josie Brown. All rights reserved. Published by Signal Press.

Editorial Reviews

Thinking Cat Blog - Cat's Thoughts
"First and foremost, if I was a housewife, I would want to be Donna. I'm not kidding guys, the girl can shoot, seduce and kill, while balancing the demands of carpool and the suburban mean mommies. Enter Jack, who is a fantastic and well known agent, and sexy to boot. The chemistry between the two of them is enough to set water on fire. Add in a healthy dose of humor and ridiculousness, some mayhem, and some really cute kids, and you've got a book that won't be put down - so go pick it up now!"
Cat's Thoughts
"First and foremost, if I was a housewife, I would want to be Donna. I'm not kidding guys, the girl can shoot, seduce and kill, while balancing the demands of carpool and the suburban mean mommies. Enter Jack, who is a fantastic and well known agent, and sexy to boot. The chemistry between the two of them is enough to set water on fire. Add in a healthy dose of humor and ridiculousness, some mayhem, and some really cute kids, and you've got a book that won't be put down - so go pick it up now!"
Mary Jacobs
"This is a super sexy and fun read that you shouldn't miss! How do I love this book, let me count the ways:(1.) A kick ass woman that can literally kick ass as well as cook and clean. Donna gives a whole new meaning to "taking out the trash". (2.) The book is set around Los Angeles, full of housewives that could be 'real" and for the setting alone, a big giant WIN! (3.) Super sarcasm, snarky dialogue and making fun of all that is wrong in politics..."
Book Hounds Reviews - Mary Jacobs
"This is a super sexy and fun read that you shouldn't miss! How do I love this book, let me count the ways:(1.) A kick ass woman that can literally kick ass as well as cook and clean. Donna gives a whole new meaning to "taking out the trash". (2.) The book is set around Los Angeles, full of housewives that could be 'real" and for the setting alone, a big giant WIN! (3.) Super sarcasm, snarky dialogue and making fun of all that is wrong in politics..."
Curled Up with a Good Book and a Cup of Tea - Shan S
This book reminded me of the movie, Mr & Mrs. Smith. It's a fast-paced read, the gadgets are awesome, and I could just picture Donna fighting off Russian gangsters and skinheads all the while having a pie at home cooling on the windowsill. As a housewife myself, this book was a fantastic escape that had me dreaming "if only" the whole way through. It doesn't take itself too seriously,which makes for the perfect combination of mystery and humour..."
Shan S
This book reminded me of the movie, Mr & Mrs. Smith. It's a fast-paced read, the gadgets are awesome, and I could just picture Donna fighting off Russian gangsters and skinheads all the while having a pie at home cooling on the windowsill. As a housewife myself, this book was a fantastic escape that had me dreaming "if only" the whole way through. It doesn't take itself too seriously,which makes for the perfect combination of mystery and humour..."

Product Details

BN ID:
2940012412539
Publisher:
Signal Press
Publication date:
05/12/2011
Series:
Housewife Assassin Series , #1
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Sales rank:
13,924
File size:
5 MB

Meet the Author

REVIEWS FOR BOOKS BY JOSIE BROWN

“Secrets, sex, money and scandal…Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue makes for truly entertaining reading.” —Jackie Collins

“Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family… Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together.”—Publishers Weekly

“The writing is laced with venomous humor...”–The Wall Street Journal

“A fine piece of literary work.” –New York Post, Page Six

“If you like Desperate Housewives, then you’ll fly through this gossipy novel full of Wisteria Lane-esque characters living in a suburban jungle. Brown entertains up to the satisfying ending.” —Examiner.com

“A funny, engaging, and often bittersweet tale…” —Cincinnati Public Library Spotlight Feature

For more on Josie Brown's books, go to her website:

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Housewife Assassin's Handbook 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 36 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love this series. Josie Brown has managed to embroil her character into the life of a government assassin taking on all that is bad in the world, but has been able to keep her humanity intact. She has allowed Donna to focus on being a good Mom and instilling morals and values to her kids. At one point Donna is put into the position of caring for two men. Her decision appears to some reviewers as being morally wrong, but taken into context with her emotional turmoil of not being allowed to grieve the loss of her husband (or even acknowledge his death), and the importance of her current mission, I think the author did a great job of showing how hard Donna tried to make the moral choice. Josie's characters are very believable, and her plot is great. I definitely recommend this series.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
What I loved most about this book is that it so clearly illustrates that there is a dark side in each of us. The heroine, Donna Stone, could be just another mom next door, except for the fact that she is also a black ops assassin. Maybe it's a premise that you've seen before, but not like this. The spy vs. spy stuff rings true, as does the neighborhood shenanigans. In other words, it's a well written dark farce. I'm glad it's a series, and I'll certainly read the next one.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read this whole book in a little over 24 hours...I couldn't put it down! Can't wait to read the next one!
Andree47 More than 1 year ago
I love Josie Brown's books! I I've been dying for this to come out, and I wasn't disappointed. It's got all the dark suburban farce found in her Secret LIves of Husbands and Wives, with sexual playfulness of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Sexy and smart!
Anonymous 19 days ago
This series is great. Loved the story read it in one day. A must read for some mystery love and some really funny times also
Anonymous 26 days ago
Short but entertaining
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I really enjoyed this book. It had drama, suspense, humor basically everything i enjoy reading. I am excited to continue on with the series. I would recommend this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I found this book a humorous and entertaining light read. It was hard for me to put down and I lookd forward to the times I had a couple minutes to sneak in chapter or two! I look forward to reading the other books in the series.
Suebelle5 28 days ago
Great book! I loved the action and details about the neighborhood. Just like every neighborhood!! I want more, now to find them...
Anonymous 3 months ago
Anonymous 6 months ago
This is the first book by her that I've read and it was a good start. Boring action, but nice tongue in cheek humor and insightful wife neighborhood clicks.
Anonymous 7 months ago
I love this funny, tongue-in-cheek mystery. I could do w/o all the descriptive sex, but otherwise it's fantastic!!
Anonymous 8 months ago
Love the charaters
Anonymous 8 months ago
A very good read and could not wait to finish it and find out what happens
Anonymous 9 months ago
Love it
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Gteat suspense/mystery. LL
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Simply the best story . Great characters and so much action . Careful you might even learn a few delightful tricks.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Not my kind of book; didn't finish.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Great story , not realistic for me though .
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It was ok
KimHeniadis More than 1 year ago
For quite some time now, I’ve been looking for a book that is similar to The Demon Hunting Soccer Mom series by Julie Kenner. When I came across this book I thought, perhaps, my wishes would finally be fulfilled. Alas, it was not to be…. So Julie Kenner, if you ever read this, or if someone who reads this knows her, please encourage her to write more in this series. Just for me. But I’m sure many more people would be happy too. This book started out strong, and I had high hopes, then I got to the middle, and Donna’s repetition of how this new guy would just leave, and break her kid’s hearts again, started to get to me. If you were take out all of these instances, the book would be down about 90 pages. I want to read about her adventure, how she seduces a mark, the fight scenes, and how she finally kills him. Sure you can throw romance and sex in, but I want more meat to the story. Also Donna is supposed to be an intelligent woman, but her mood swings were so often, and so childish, that they stopped being funny. A couple of times sure, since we all feel that way, but when it starts affecting her job, the author needed to find some new ways to tell the story. And in regards to Donna’s intelligence, the ending was so obvious, and as a trained spy/killer, she did so many things wrong, that I just couldn’t let my imagination go enough for it to even be semi-enjoyable. I will say Josie Brown did a good job with some of the characters, especially the kids. They each had their own personalities, and they were on point for kids their ages. Also I only found a couple of spelling/grammatical errors, so that was another plus. There are just too many books out there for me to even try the second book in the series to see if her storylines get any better.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Far fetched..not for the prudish that's for sure.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago