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Treat Your Relationship like a Flower
A marriage is made up of two living, breathing human beings who are constantly changing and evolving. Your relationship is a balancing act, because both of you are in such a constant state of flux.
Like a flower, your relationship grows and blossoms in its own time and at its own pace. You can never push it to evolve faster, just as you cannot pull at the roots of a flower to make it grow. It takes great sensitivity, awareness, patience, listening and endless giving. And, like a flower, your relationship has its own set of seasons. At times it grows quickly; at other times, slowly. Sometimes there are droughts and its growth stalls, and other times it flourishes, attaining new depths with ease. You never want to under water it and you never want to overwater it.
You will learn more about yourself in a marriage than you ever will being single, as your partner holds a mirror up to you, revealing where you need to heal and grow. Trust in each other to teach one another. Together, you can be stronger and freer than you ever could alone.
Have the Right Amount of Sex
Relax. There is no right or wrong amount of sex in a marriage. Every couple is different and everyone needs different amounts of sex. So as long as you are both in agreement and satisfied with the amount of sex that you're having, you're doing well. Sex tends to be a taboo subject, and as with money, it is often considered rude or tasteless to ask how much people have. But sex is just another part of life; it is not something that we should be embarrassed to talk about. Many great couples that I know have sex three times a week or more and many have it less. Ideally, you want to be with a partner who wants similar amounts.
However, if both of you want different amounts, then you really need to talk about it so that you both get your needs met. Do you each feel comfortable having sex two times a week, three times, every day? A friend of mine said that she was at her church one day and the sermon was on sex. The priest said to his congregation, "My wife and I have sex three times a week. That's how much I like to have it and how much I need to have it. We are both really busy, so we have set days and times, which we have put aside to make sure that our needs are met. So after this service, for example, we are going to have sex. [Perhaps at this point he gave a little too much information!] But you all need to be clear on what your needs are and make sure that you are getting them met." (Of course, this sermon could happen only in California!)
If you are someone who finds it hard to talk about sex and your needs, then the best way to approach the conversation is to:
1. Be really clear about what you want. Perhaps that means taking a moment to write down your thoughts for yourself to clarify matters before you chat about them.
2. Choose a time when you are both relaxed and feeling close to speak about it. Avoid this discussion when one of you is rushing in or out or is in the middle of an errand.
3. Approach the conversation positively. Sex for some can be a very delicate subject. If you both discover that you have different needs and one of you wants sex five days a week and the other wants it once a week, then do your best to accept each other's desires and come to a healthy agreement that works for you both. Perhaps that means that you settle on twice a week every other week and three times a week every other week. You really do not want to blame your partner if he or she has different desires than you. You both want to reach an agreement in order to accommodate one another's needs. The relationship is such an important part of your life that you both need to be prepared to make changes for each other.
4. Be open to discussing ways that you might bring more play and creativity into your sex life. This will help spice it up, and if one of you wants sex less often, this may encourage that person to be excited about having more.
Keep the conversation open and loving and allow your partner time to respond and express his or her opinion without interrupting.
Sex is, for most of us, an essential part of any relationship. Physical intimacy feeds your emotional, mental and spiritual intimacy as a couple. So even if you have children and you feel that your time is limited, you must still make time for sex. Your marriage is always going to be number one.
So don't shy away from talking about sex, make time for it and schedule it in if you need to. Be sure that your physical needs as a couple are being met!