Every day at apartment #54, inside his tiny Section-8 bedroom, Jon Jones would stare at the pages of his father's Amplified Bible. Then, he would turn to his IBM clone 386 SX-25, pick that day's chapters, and type out what he read. Outdoors, children would be playing baseball; he could hear them, but he would be typing. Not because he wanted to, but because if he didn't, there would be hell to pay.
"From the age of eight to fourteen," writes Jones, "every single day, before I was allowed to eat or go outside or even do my schoolwork, I had to type out my chapters, and then I was figuratively free for the day. I remember looking outside to see the kids in the neighborhood running and playing because school was out for the summer—but I had to stay inside to type the Bible. I’m doing God’s Work! Don’t I want God to love me? Keep typing! Now, you may be thinking, 'how did it take 6 years to type 900 pages?' When I finished the Bible in its entirety for the first time, my father 'accidentally' deleted the entire thing and 'didn’t have any backups,' and I had to start over from scratch. Infuriatingly, he would repeat this over the years by mysteriously losing chapters or entire books. I estimate that I’ve typed the Amplified Bible somewhere between five and ten times. There are over 880,000 words in the Amplified Bible."
In How I Escaped Evangelical Hell, Jones bravely reveals his slow drowning by the hands of his radical evangelical Christian family in their pursuit to raise the perfect Godly boy. In doing so, Jones found his salvation through the very computer on which he was forced to write the Bible.
|Publisher:||Thane & Prose|
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.40(d)|
About the Author
Table of ContentsPart 1: My Dad, the Roly-Poly Holy Roller
Teenage Mutant Ninja Priests
My dad, the Billionaire and Voice of God
Fancy Pens and Jesus Magic
Typing the Bible
I didn't ask to be born into this. My dad claimed I wasn't.
Gluttony and Sloth
Women, Submit to your Penis-Bearing Overlords
5 out of 5 unborn babies agree: God created fossils to test our faith!
God stole your bikes because you touch yourself at night
Part 2: Either My Dad is Insane, or God is.
I control tornadoes!
Hole-digging and Horses
No Peace For You
My Favor is Bigger Than Yours
The Glistening, Muscled Homosexual Threat
My Underwear Is Too Tight. Curse You, Satan!
Conning for Jesus
The American Academy
Part 3: My Long Hard Road Out of Hell
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Binge-Read the Entire Library
The Escape Plan, Part 1: Sexiest Child Alive
Behavior Shaming: Cheaper Than Castration!
The Escape Plan, Part 2: The Modem
Game Over. Insert Coin to Continue
Socialization and Music
Mass Surveillance and You
Are You the Worst Person in Your College Yet?
The Escape Plan, Part 3: The Coven
Fear is Faith, Death is Life, and Lies Build Character
No True Scotsman
Death and Taxes