Written by best-selling author, screenwriter, and producer Seth Grahame-Smith (Stephen King’s It), with an introduction by horror icon Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street), this is a hilarious must-read for any horror movie fan...and it just might save your life.
Are you reading this in a cornfield, at a summer camp, or in an abandoned mental institution? Have you noticed that everything is poorly lit, or that music surges every time you open a door? If the answer is yes, you’re probably trapped in a horror movie. But don’t freak out—just read this book! With it you will learn how to overcome every obstacle found in scary films, including:
• How to determine what type of horror film you’re trapped in
• The five types of slashers and how to defeat them
• How to handle killer dolls, murderous automobiles, and other haunted objects
• How to deal with alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, and other global threats
• What to do if you did something last summer, if your corn has children in it, or if you suspect you’re already dead
|Product dimensions:||5.00(w) x 6.90(h) x 0.60(d)|
About the Author
Seth Grahame-Smith is a New York Times best-selling author (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies; Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter), screenwriter (Dark Shadows; The Lego Batman Movie), and producer (Stephen King’s It) of film and television. His novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies debuted at #3 on the New York Times Best Seller List, has sold over two million copies, and has been translated into more than twenty languages. A film adaptation was released in 2016.
Read an Excerpt
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for horror movie characters. You have to feel sorry for the poor bastards. Of all the film genres they might have found themselves in—romantic comedies, costume dramas, inspiring biopics—these unlucky chumps were spawned in that darkest and most desolate tract of cinematic real estate: the opening moments of a horror movie.
Whether it’s the perky camp counselor, the overconfident scientist, or the security guard who leaves his post to check on “that weird noise,” the odds of survival are not good for these pitiful wretches. Like the thousands of baby sea turtles who hatch from their leathery eggs and crawl toward the sea only to be snatched up by waiting predators before they even had a chance to live, precious few horror movie characters survive to see the end credits.
Before I was lucky enough to make horror movies of my own, I spent my formative years sitting in carpeted basements, lights off, watching these films on VHS. My friends and I screamed ourselves hoarse—not just because we were scared, but at the sheer stupidity on display. The poor choices being made. The obvious death traps being walked into. The sex being sexed.
Yet, as stupid and helpless as the victims in these stories were, I felt for them. Yes, I loved watching them get hacked to pieces. Yes, I laughed at their gruesome demises. Yes, I laughed harder when they died naked. But a little part of me—the part deep, deep down that still had the capacity to care for others—wanted to help them.
And so I wrote this book as a tribute to these most pathetic of creatures, in hopes that I might succeed in two noble pursuits: 1) helping even one person meet the horror movie odds, and 2) avoid being evicted from my apartment for back rent.
Of course, that was back in 2007. I was young and naïve. Though much of the advice I offered then remains valid, the Terrorverse has invented new ways to inflict bloody death on its citizens . . . and on you, should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie. (Perhaps you’re in one already; chapter one will help you figure that out.) This updated edition draws from plenty of new and noteworthy horror movies to keep your survival skills up to date. It features new tactics, new artwork, and an updated appendix of must-see horror flicks. I’ve learned a few things in the ensuing years. A few more skills to dodge the kills.
Now come with me if you want to live . . .
Table of Contents
FOREWORD: AN APOLOGY FROM WES CRAVEN
CHAPTER I: WELCOME TO THE TERRORVERSE
How Do I Know If I’m in a Horror Movie?
How Do I Know What Type of Horror Movie I’m In?
C.R.A.V.E.N. (Cover, Recon, Arsenal, Vehicle, Escape, North)
The Seven Deadly Horror Movie Sins
How to Survive a Horror Movie High School
CHAPTER II: SLASHER SURVIVAL SCHOOL
The Slaughterhouse Five: Five Types of Slashers and How to Defeat Them
How to Survive Summer Vacation
How to Survive a Night of Babysitting
How to Stay Awake for a Week
CHAPTER III: INANIMATE EVIL
How to Survive a Haunted House
What to Do When an Evil Vehicle Wants You Dead
How to Defeat a Killer Doll
How to Tell If an Object Is Evil
CHAPTER IV: CRYPT-OGRAPHY
How to Survive a Cemetery
The Good, the Bad, and the Deadly: Know Your Ghosts
How to Kill the Living Dead
How to Kill a Vampire
How to Tell If You’ve Been Dead Since the Beginning of the Movie
CHAPTER V: MONSTER MASH
How to Survive a Global Alien Attack
What to Do If It Follows You
How to Survive a Space-Based Horror Movie
CHAPTER 666: THE SATANIC “VERSUS”
What to Do If Your Corn Has Children in It
Four Ways to Handle a Witch How to Perform an Exorcism
What to Do If You Have Only Seven Days to Live
How to Defeat Satan