Outwit and outmock those Crazy Conservatives!
Tired of the delusional rantings of right-wing nut jobs?
Does the mere mention of the Tea Party or Fox News pose a clear and present danger to your sanity?
No matter the flavor of your misguided right-wing adversary, here's a survival guide for anyone who's fantasized about smacking down a conservative blowhard.
Learn how to:
• Hurl witty retorts at Obama haters, Bible-thumpers, and Wall Street shills
• Explain why the Left is right and the Right is wrong with the dueling Conservative and Liberal Manifestos
• Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and learn to cope if you're sleeping with the enemy
• Entertain your friends and terrify your enemies while arguing politics on Facebook and Twitter
• Use conservatives' words against them with a handy compilation of moronic right-wing quotes
It's time to defend America against every intolerant, corrupt, arrogant, greed-mongering, science-hating, reality-denying imbecile in your midst.
Stop the stampede of mindless, fact-loathing wingnuts!
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About the Author
Read an Excerpt
“Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!”
So you want to smack some sense into those clueless conservative morons (or “morans” as they would spell it). Good for you!
Was it your loudmouthed uncle’s ridiculous rants about that “socialist Kenyan Nazi” in the White House that pushed you over the edge?
Was it those Tea Partiers parading around with their “Keep your government hands off my Medicare” signs that presented a clear and present danger to your sanity?
Or was it the mere ten seconds you accidentally spent watching Fox News that made you want to shout epithets and throw furniture at your TV?
All of the above?
You’ve heard all the conservative “arguments”: Liberals are godless socialists who are fixing to bring Grandma before a death panel; liberals are pot-smoking Bible-bashers who are coming for your guns, your wallet, and your fetuses and will turn everyone gay; Obama is a tyrannical dictator who has done absolutely nothing and is destroying America.
Whether you’re a liberal, progressive, Democrat, independent, or someone who’s just tired of conservatives and their idiocy, chances are those righties have driven you mad as hell, and since you picked up this book, you probably can’t take it anymore.
But if you’re like most people, your past attempts at butting heads with conservatives have probably gone one of two ways: (1) you’ve tried reasoning with them, only to come away with that concussive feeling of banging your head against a wall of steel-reinforced ignorance; or (2) you’ve tried screaming at conservatives, only to make yourself hoarse while they go about their business of fouling the air and treading on the poor.
Either way, who could blame you if you’ve decided that arguing with conservatives is a hopeless cause? You probably figure it’s best simply to avoid them, just as you would a crazy person shouting at pigeons in the park (because sometimes it’s better to leave Glenn Beck alone with his thoughts).
But unfortunately, that’s part of the problem with political discourse in America today. Too many reasonable people shy away from debate and let their more determined and vocal right-wing rivals spew their nonsense with impunity. Left unchallenged, it then spreads like crabgrass across the political landscape. Soon it’s everywheresprouting up at neighborhood barbecues, surrounding you at the office water cooler, or, when you’re least expecting it, creeping into your Facebook news feed.
By continuing to stay silent, you let them win. That’s why if you want to fight the right, you must stand up and speak truth to stupid.
We won’t lie to you. Beating conservatives into submission is a tall order, especially in this political climate, with ignorance on the rise, reason on the decline, and right-wing douche-baggery at an all-time high.
It’s hard to argue with fact-allergic, reality-impaired imbeciles who are fed a steady diet of misinformation and paranoid delusions from Fox News, right-wing radio squawkers, and loons like half-governor Sarah Palin and half-wit Michele Bachmann.
As Bill Maher put it, “Trying to get today’s Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.”
So what’s an honest, conservative-loathing American to do?
The answer is to fight them with laughter. That’s where this book comes in handy. We’re not talking about turning political debate into a joke or making a mockery of serious issues. It’s about learning how to wield humor as a weapon, cultivate your sense of irony, and sharpen your arguments with witty retorts. It’s about learning to lighten things up as a way to maintain your own sanity and disarm your opponents.
Mark Twain once said, “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” It’s especially true in political debate. Just think of one of the most effective lines ever used in a presidential debate, when Ronald Reagan was asked during his 1984 face-off with Walter Mondale if his advanced age was a liability. “I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign,” Reagan said. “I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”
In addition to helping you wage comedic warfare, this book also offers other handy tips that will help you outwit, out-mock, and outrage your conservative rivals. We will show you how to:
- Learn basic rules of engagement, including how to frame arguments to your advantage, point out hypocrisy, and properly ridicule your opponents when necessary.
- Explain why the Left is right and the Right is wrong with the dueling Conservative and Liberal Manifestos.
- Throw winning comebacks at Tea Partiers, Bible-thumpers, economic ignoramuses, Obamaphobes, and other purveyors of conservative nonsense.
- Determine if you suffer from argumentile dys-function and, if so, learn how to avoid deadly pitfalls, such as promoting conspiracy theories, using Nazi analogies, or making the mistake of arguing with idiots.
- Identify bullshit arguments, slice through Swiss-cheese logic, and expose fallacious reasoning.
- Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and even learn to cope if you’re sleeping with the enemy.
- Entertain your friends and terrify your enemies while arguing politics on Facebook and Twitter.
- Use conservatives’ own words and deeds against them with the help of a handy guide to some of the most ridiculous, moronic, and laughable things today’s conservative icons have said and done.
- Should all else fail, hurl imaginative insults at your knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing opponents by selecting from a handy cheat sheet containing 125,000 winning putdowns.
Politics was never meant to be a spectator sport. Political debate is simply too important to be left to the so-called experts in Washington and the media, who invariably just screw it up for the rest of us. That’s why it falls on ordinary citizens like you to take the fight to the Right and defend America against every intolerant, corrupt, arrogant, greed-mongering, Fox News-parroting, Scripture-spouting, science-hating, reality-denying ideal for which they stand.
If you don’t, the “morans” have already won.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: What It Means to Be a Liberal
What Breed of Liberal Are You?
The Liberal Manifesto
Rate Your Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)
What's Your State of Embattlement?
Chapter 2: Know Your Enemy
The Conservative Manifesto
Frequently Asked Questions about Conservatives
A Field Guide to the Conservative Genus
Other Conservative Species You May Encounter
How to Rate a Conservative's Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)
A Glimpse into the Conservative Utopia
Chapter 3: Can't We All Just Get Along?
A Day in the Life of Conservatives vs. Liberals
Battle of the Bumper Stickers
What Liberals Say vs. What Conservatives Hear
What Conservatives Say vs. What Liberals Hear
Common Enemies We Can All Agree to Hate
Chapter 4: Basic Training
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans
Do You Suffer from Argumentile Dysfunction?
How Not to Be an Asshole
The Ten Commandments of Partisan Warfare
How to Avoid Unhinged Lunatics
How to Detect Bullshit
How to Trip Up a Bullshitter
How to Spot Logical Fallacies
How to Win When You Can't Win Them Over
Chapter 5: How to Win Friends While Antagonizing People
How to Survive Family Sparring Matches
What to Do If You're Sleeping with the Enemy
How to Manage Workplace Squabbles
How to Clash with Perfect Strangers
How to Argue Politics on Facebook and Twitter
How to Properly Engage in Internet Flame Wars
Chapter 6: Kick-Ass Comebacks to Conservative Nonsense
How to Argue with an Obamaphobe
How to Argue with Economic Ignoramuses
How to Taunt a Tea Partier
How to Clash with Clueless Conservatives on Hot-Button Issues
How to Argue with Bible-Thumpers
How to Rebut Other Conservative Drivel
Chapter 7: The Conservative Hall of Shame
The Wing of Batshit Crazy
The Wing of Douche Bags
The Wing of Sex Fiends, Perverts, and Adulterers
Chapter 8: How to Use Conservatives' Own Words against Them
Stunningly Moronic Conservative Quotes
Breathtakingly Delusional Conservative Quotes
Shockingly Sociopathic Conservative Quotes
When All Else Fails: 125,000 Ways to Insult Conservatives
About the Author
What People are Saying About This
"Sharply critical and consistently funny, How to Win a Fight with A Liberal and How to Win A Fight with a Conservative hold twin mirrors up to the illogical state of political debate in our divided country. Though they can be enjoyed for their wit alone, attentive readers will get Kurtzman's satirical point: in the exchange of pre-fabricated positions, the appeal to emotion, and the indulgence of self-approval, we have limited our ability to think clearly about urgent problems. Exposing such failures and mocking those responsible for them is the highest calling of the satirist."--(Paul Lewis, author of Cracking Up: American Humor in a Time of Conflict)
"When the folks over at JibJab are looking for a fair and balanced laugh, Daniel Kurtzman's our guy. His How to Win a Fight with a Liberal / Conservative will have you in stitches regardless of your political affiliation!"--(Gregg Spiridellis, co-founder of JibJab.com)
"Daniel Kurtzman doesn't have a political axe to grind. He has two axes to grind. And he does it with the sharpest wit seen in these bipartisan parts for quite some time. Crisscrossing the aisle with wicked glee; no matter which book you finish first, you'll immediately want to run out and get the other one to discover what he said about your side. Just remember to wear a disguise."--(Will Durst, political satirist, currently starring in "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing")
"No one knows political satire like Daniel Kurtzman."--(Andy Borowitz, creator of The Borowitz Report and author of The Republican Playbook)
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Funny little light read. Definitely "dated" to the Bush era. Funny for a light laugh but outdated.
This is a very humorous and creative book! It is also very helpful when living with a house full of conservatives. I would definitely recommend this to any liberal and for that matter, any politically minded person who wants to laugh.
I picked up a copy of this book before taking a flight home for Thanksgiving. I come from an ultra-conservative family, and figured I could use a little ammunition just in case things turned ugly at the dinner table, like they usually do. I found some surprisingly useful tips, especially the chapter on how to detect logical fallacies. But most of all, the book made me laugh. My favorite parts were the dueling Liberal and Conservative Manifestos ''Conservatives believe in beautiful Hummers befouling spacious skies, amber waves of abstinent teens, and crowning thy good with estate tax cuts''. I'm planning to give out copies to a few friends whose families are even crazier than mine.
No matter what your political slant, Kurtzman has your back with his two books on how to fight liberals and conservatives. Hilarious stuff throughout and a book you will have to refer to time and time again for winning tips.