How to Win a Fight With a Conservative

How to Win a Fight With a Conservative

by Daniel Kurtzman


View All Available Formats & Editions
Choose Expedited Shipping at checkout for guaranteed delivery by Thursday, July 18


Outwit and outmock those Crazy Conservatives!

Tired of the delusional rantings of right-wing nut jobs?

Does the mere mention of the Tea Party or Fox News pose a clear and present danger to your sanity?

No matter the flavor of your misguided right-wing adversary, here's a survival guide for anyone who's fantasized about smacking down a conservative blowhard.

Learn how to:

• Hurl witty retorts at Obama haters, Bible-thumpers, and Wall Street shills
• Explain why the Left is right and the Right is wrong with the dueling Conservative and Liberal Manifestos
• Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and learn to cope if you're sleeping with the enemy
• Entertain your friends and terrify your enemies while arguing politics on Facebook and Twitter
• Use conservatives' words against them with a handy compilation of moronic right-wing quotes

It's time to defend America against every intolerant, corrupt, arrogant, greed-mongering, science-hating, reality-denying imbecile in your midst.

Stop the stampede of mindless, fact-loathing wingnuts!

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781402265761
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Publication date: 06/01/2012
Edition description: Revised
Pages: 240
Product dimensions: 4.90(w) x 6.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Daniel Kurtzman chronicles the absurdities of politics as editor of, the popular website that is part of The New York Times Company's network. A former Washington correspondent-turned-political satirist, his work has appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle and, among other publications. As an equal opportunity offender, Kurtzman is also the author of How to Win a Fight with a Liberal.

Read an Excerpt


“Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!”

—Stephen Colbert

So you want to smack some sense into those clueless conservative morons (or “morans” as they would spell it). Good for you!

Was it your loudmouthed uncle’s ridiculous rants about that “socialist Kenyan Nazi” in the White House that pushed you over the edge?

Was it those Tea Partiers parading around with their “Keep your government hands off my Medicare” signs that presented a clear and present danger to your sanity?

Or was it the mere ten seconds you accidentally spent watching Fox News that made you want to shout epithets and throw furniture at your TV?

All of the above?

You’ve heard all the conservative “arguments”: Liberals are godless socialists who are fixing to bring Grandma before a death panel; liberals are pot-smoking Bible-bashers who are coming for your guns, your wallet, and your fetuses and will turn everyone gay; Obama is a tyrannical dictator who has done absolutely nothing and is destroying America.

Whether you’re a liberal, progressive, Democrat, independent, or someone who’s just tired of conservatives and their idiocy, chances are those righties have driven you mad as hell, and since you picked up this book, you probably can’t take it anymore.

But if you’re like most people, your past attempts at butting heads with conservatives have probably gone one of two ways: (1) you’ve tried reasoning with them, only to come away with that concussive feeling of banging your head against a wall of steel-reinforced ignorance; or (2) you’ve tried screaming at conservatives, only to make yourself hoarse while they go about their business of fouling the air and treading on the poor.

Either way, who could blame you if you’ve decided that arguing with conservatives is a hopeless cause? You probably figure it’s best simply to avoid them, just as you would a crazy person shouting at pigeons in the park (because sometimes it’s better to leave Glenn Beck alone with his thoughts).

But unfortunately, that’s part of the problem with political discourse in America today. Too many reasonable people shy away from debate and let their more determined and vocal right-wing rivals spew their nonsense with impunity. Left unchallenged, it then spreads like crabgrass across the political landscape. Soon it’s everywhere—sprouting up at neighborhood barbecues, surrounding you at the office water cooler, or, when you’re least expecting it, creeping into your Facebook news feed.

By continuing to stay silent, you let them win. That’s why if you want to fight the right, you must stand up and speak truth to stupid.

We won’t lie to you. Beating conservatives into submission is a tall order, especially in this political climate, with ignorance on the rise, reason on the decline, and right-wing douche-baggery at an all-time high.

It’s hard to argue with fact-allergic, reality-impaired imbeciles who are fed a steady diet of misinformation and paranoid delusions from Fox News, right-wing radio squawkers, and loons like half-governor Sarah Palin and half-wit Michele Bachmann.

As Bill Maher put it, “Trying to get today’s Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.”

So what’s an honest, conservative-loathing American to do?

The answer is to fight them with laughter. That’s where this book comes in handy. We’re not talking about turning political debate into a joke or making a mockery of serious issues. It’s about learning how to wield humor as a weapon, cultivate your sense of irony, and sharpen your arguments with witty retorts. It’s about learning to lighten things up as a way to maintain your own sanity and disarm your opponents.

Mark Twain once said, “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” It’s especially true in political debate. Just think of one of the most effective lines ever used in a presidential debate, when Ronald Reagan was asked during his 1984 face-off with Walter Mondale if his advanced age was a liability. “I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign,” Reagan said. “I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”

In addition to helping you wage comedic warfare, this book also offers other handy tips that will help you outwit, out-mock, and outrage your conservative rivals. We will show you how to:

  • Learn basic rules of engagement, including how to frame arguments to your advantage, point out hypocrisy, and properly ridicule your opponents when necessary.

  • Explain why the Left is right and the Right is wrong with the dueling Conservative and Liberal Manifestos.

  • Throw winning comebacks at Tea Partiers, Bible-thumpers, economic ignoramuses, Obamaphobes, and other purveyors of conservative nonsense.

  • Determine if you suffer from argumentile dys-function and, if so, learn how to avoid deadly pitfalls, such as promoting conspiracy theories, using Nazi analogies, or making the mistake of arguing with idiots.

  • Identify bullshit arguments, slice through Swiss-cheese logic, and expose fallacious reasoning.

  • Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and even learn to cope if you’re sleeping with the enemy.

  • Entertain your friends and terrify your enemies while arguing politics on Facebook and Twitter.

  • Use conservatives’ own words and deeds against them with the help of a handy guide to some of the most ridiculous, moronic, and laughable things today’s conservative icons have said and done.

  • Should all else fail, hurl imaginative insults at your knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing opponents by selecting from a handy cheat sheet containing 125,000 winning putdowns.

Politics was never meant to be a spectator sport. Political debate is simply too important to be left to the so-called experts in Washington and the media, who invariably just screw it up for the rest of us. That’s why it falls on ordinary citizens like you to take the fight to the Right and defend America against every intolerant, corrupt, arrogant, greed-mongering, Fox News-parroting, Scripture-spouting, science-hating, reality-denying ideal for which they stand.

If you don’t, the “morans” have already won.

Table of Contents



Chapter 1: What It Means to Be a Liberal

What Breed of Liberal Are You?

The Liberal Manifesto

Rate Your Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)

What's Your State of Embattlement?

Chapter 2: Know Your Enemy

The Conservative Manifesto

Frequently Asked Questions about Conservatives

A Field Guide to the Conservative Genus

Other Conservative Species You May Encounter

How to Rate a Conservative's Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)

A Glimpse into the Conservative Utopia

Chapter 3: Can't We All Just Get Along?

A Day in the Life of Conservatives vs. Liberals

Battle of the Bumper Stickers

What Liberals Say vs. What Conservatives Hear

What Conservatives Say vs. What Liberals Hear

Common Enemies We Can All Agree to Hate

Chapter 4: Basic Training

The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans

Do You Suffer from Argumentile Dysfunction?

How Not to Be an Asshole

The Ten Commandments of Partisan Warfare

How to Avoid Unhinged Lunatics

How to Detect Bullshit

How to Trip Up a Bullshitter

How to Spot Logical Fallacies

How to Win When You Can't Win Them Over

Chapter 5: How to Win Friends While Antagonizing People

How to Survive Family Sparring Matches

What to Do If You're Sleeping with the Enemy

How to Manage Workplace Squabbles

How to Clash with Perfect Strangers

How to Argue Politics on Facebook and Twitter

How to Properly Engage in Internet Flame Wars

Chapter 6: Kick-Ass Comebacks to Conservative Nonsense

How to Argue with an Obamaphobe

How to Argue with Economic Ignoramuses

How to Taunt a Tea Partier

How to Clash with Clueless Conservatives on Hot-Button Issues

How to Argue with Bible-Thumpers

How to Rebut Other Conservative Drivel

Chapter 7: The Conservative Hall of Shame

The Wing of Batshit Crazy

The Wing of Douche Bags

The Wing of Sex Fiends, Perverts, and Adulterers

Chapter 8: How to Use Conservatives' Own Words against Them

Stunningly Moronic Conservative Quotes

Breathtakingly Delusional Conservative Quotes

Shockingly Sociopathic Conservative Quotes


When All Else Fails: 125,000 Ways to Insult Conservatives


About the Author

What People are Saying About This

Paul Lewis

"Sharply critical and consistently funny, How to Win a Fight with A Liberal and How to Win A Fight with a Conservative hold twin mirrors up to the illogical state of political debate in our divided country. Though they can be enjoyed for their wit alone, attentive readers will get Kurtzman's satirical point: in the exchange of pre-fabricated positions, the appeal to emotion, and the indulgence of self-approval, we have limited our ability to think clearly about urgent problems. Exposing such failures and mocking those responsible for them is the highest calling of the satirist."--(Paul Lewis, author of Cracking Up: American Humor in a Time of Conflict)

Gregg Spiridellis

"When the folks over at JibJab are looking for a fair and balanced laugh, Daniel Kurtzman's our guy. His How to Win a Fight with a Liberal / Conservative will have you in stitches regardless of your political affiliation!"--(Gregg Spiridellis, co-founder of

Will Durst

"Daniel Kurtzman doesn't have a political axe to grind. He has two axes to grind. And he does it with the sharpest wit seen in these bipartisan parts for quite some time. Crisscrossing the aisle with wicked glee; no matter which book you finish first, you'll immediately want to run out and get the other one to discover what he said about your side. Just remember to wear a disguise."--(Will Durst, political satirist, currently starring in "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing")

Andy Borowitz

"No one knows political satire like Daniel Kurtzman."--(Andy Borowitz, creator of The Borowitz Report and author of The Republican Playbook)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See All Customer Reviews

How to Win a Fight With a Conservative 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Funny little light read. Definitely "dated" to the Bush era. Funny for a light laugh but outdated.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
ValleyForge More than 1 year ago
This is a very humorous and creative book! It is also very helpful when living with a house full of conservatives. I would definitely recommend this to any liberal and for that matter, any politically minded person who wants to laugh.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
very funny
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
I picked up a copy of this book before taking a flight home for Thanksgiving. I come from an ultra-conservative family, and figured I could use a little ammunition just in case things turned ugly at the dinner table, like they usually do. I found some surprisingly useful tips, especially the chapter on how to detect logical fallacies. But most of all, the book made me laugh. My favorite parts were the dueling Liberal and Conservative Manifestos ''Conservatives believe in beautiful Hummers befouling spacious skies, amber waves of abstinent teens, and crowning thy good with estate tax cuts''. I'm planning to give out copies to a few friends whose families are even crazier than mine.
Guest More than 1 year ago
No matter what your political slant, Kurtzman has your back with his two books on how to fight liberals and conservatives. Hilarious stuff throughout and a book you will have to refer to time and time again for winning tips.