Humor has the unique power to lift a heart to new heights, to heal the hurts of a bad day, and to infuse the soul with inspiration.
Samplings from some of your favorite authors and comedians include Patsy Clairmont, Martha Bolton, Mark Lowry, Carolyn Arends, and many more. This feel-good book will delight your feminine funny bone and tickle your female fancy.
Take a deep breath, inhale the joy, soak up the merriment, and you'll surely find that your heart is lighter, your day brighter, and your soul hilariously refreshed.
Read an Excerpt
Humor for a Woman's HeartStories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart
Howard BooksCopyright © 2001 Various
All right reserved.
The Cheez Doodle Principle1
Recently, I estimated that I've packed 2,179 school lunches.
That's something like 1,084 peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, 829 tuna, 45 egg salad, 143 bologna and 78 unidentified. Only 1,822
of those were actually eaten by my children.
Of the 2,179 carefully packed pieces of fruit I've lovingly
included for balanced nutrition, I'd say most, if not all, are now compost at
the bottom of some landfill. Add the thousands of carrot sticks, dozens of
cherry tomatoes and scores of cheese chunks that go directly from lunch box to
trash can, and I have 2,179 reasons to sleep in.
The only foods I'm certain get eaten are the
factory-packaged, artificially colored and flavored, chemical infested, sugar-
and fat-laden goodies that I warn the lunch-box carrier not to eat until after
the healthy stuff is gone (which kids define as wadded up, smashed beyond
recognition and soaked with milk before being thrown away.)
That leaves me to conclude that if you are what you eat, then
my children are Cheez Doodles and Ho-Ho's.
I have other options in the Lunch Box Game. I could stay in bed,forget about
packing lunches, and look like the Joan Crawford of all mothers-or pack what
they do eat-namely, junk food. That might win points with my kids, but word
would leak out and I'd become the dreaded "other kids' mom," as in, "Other kids'
moms pack candy bars and fried pies in their lunch boxes."
I could make them eat cafeteria food, but as I've been duly
told, "Cafeteria food is garooosss." Case closed.
That leaves packing the lunch box.
As a veteran packer, I've observed several Lunch-Box Laws and
The Law of Negative Consumption. Simply stated, expensive sandwich fillings such
as roast beef or honey-glazed ham never get eaten. Out-of-season fruit gets sat
upon on the bus. The last bagel that you secretly coveted but gave to your child
gets immediately drenched in red Hawaiian Punch.
The Law of Unbearable Temptation. This occurs whenever a
child is confronted with a food having a higher playwithability factor than
eatability factor. These include raisins, which get arranged barricade-style
then flicked across the table; bananas, which are used as guns and/or
nonreturnable boomerangs; and marshmallows, which occasionally get eaten, but
only after the child stuffs them all into his cheeks at once.
The Law of Leakability. This law states that even if you wrap
your child's field-trip permission slip/report card/school picture carefully in
triple plastic bags before putting it inside his lunch box, his leak-proof
factory-sealed boxed drink will leak, destroying everything in its wake.
The Law of "Oh, No!" Under this law, soda in a thermos
explodes, Jell-O melts and mustard permanently attaches itself to white
The Principle of "Go Figure." Ziploc bags neither zip nor
lock when in a child's possession. Metal spoons and expensive plastic containers
never come home, but disposable plastic spoons and Cool Whip containers do. The
same kid who won't eat a broken potato chip at home will smash a bag of chips
into chip dust-then eat it with a spoon. Go Figure.
There is a bright side. Even if my children never eat the
thousands of lunches I pack for them during their school careers, my efforts are
not in vain. Colossians 3:2324 reminds me: "Whatever you do, work at it with
all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you
will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward."
There's also an end in sight-my last child graduates next
year. Until then, I'll just take things one day at a time. Meanwhile, pass the
Cheez Doodles-the bus is almost here.
1. "The Cheez Doodle Principle" by Nancy Kennedy. This article first appeared in
Christian Parenting Today magazine (September/October 1997), a publication of
Christianity Today, Inc. Used by permission.
Excerpted from Humor for a Woman's Heart by Various Copyright © 2001 by Various. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of ContentsChapter 1: Just Kidding Around
What about the Grownups?Bob Phillips
The Cheez Doodle PrincipleNancy Kennedy
The Big Boo from the BalconyGwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
George Invades CyberspaceCharlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 2: Three Laughs for Mom
Go FigureDave Barry
Everyone Else's MomGwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Mama Is a SCREAMERMark Lowry
Minivacations Even a Travel Agent Could LoveKaren Scalf Linamen
Chapter 3: Don't Laugh at Me Because I'm Beautiful
Deep EnoughJean Kerr
Even These Hairs Are NumberedSheri Rose Shepherd
Aromatherapy OverdoseRenae Bottom
Held Hostage in the Dressing RoomCharlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 4: Ten Laughs, No Weighting
Diet Definitionfrom Lowell D. Streiker's A Treasury of Humor
11 Tips to Survive Swimsuit ShoppingLynn Bowen Walker
I Never Met a Cookie I Didn't Fall in Love WithNancy Kennedy
Be a LoserKaren Scalf Linamen
Chapter 5: ParentingNot for the Faint of Heart or the Slow to Laugh
Mimic over MannersAnonymous
You Know Your Kids Are Growing Up When…Lynn Bowen Walker
All Mama Ever WantedMark Lowry
Missing the ManualGwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Chapter 6: Blushing Beautiesembarrassing moments
Bow Your HeadsMartha Bolton
Yuk It Up!Patsy Clairmont
Blinded by the LightSheri Rose Shepherd
Sure I Can!Patsy Clairmont
Chapter 7: Laughter, Family Style
Dog HeavenMark Twain
Pet PeevePamela Shires Sneddon
Honey, They Flushed the CatNancy Kennedy
Would You Like a Coronary with Your Coffee?Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 8: Till Death Do Us Laughmarriage humor
It Could HappenAnonymous
Fun Questions for Married CouplesBill and Pam Farrel
Would You Let Me Woo You?Laura Jensen Walker
Time to Go: Ready or NotLaura Jensen Walker
Chapter 9: A Houseful of Laughs
Presidential CandidatesMargaret Thatcher
Dare to DecorateLynn Bowen Walker
When You Can't Take It with YouMartha Bolton
Handy Dandy Rooster RepairsFran Caffey Sandin
Chapter 10: Bringing Up Laughtermore parenting humor
Raising KidsEd Asner
Private: No TrespassingKaren Scalf Linamen
The Outlaws of PhysicsRenae Bottom
A Hiding PlaceMartha Bolton
Chapter 11: Humor With a Shine
Escapees from the Home Front–Heloise
Mapping Out Mom's Cleaning StrategyMarti Attoun
Chronic Purse-Stuffers ClubRenae Bottom
It's Time to Clean Out the Fridge When…Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 12: How Quickly They Grow, How Swiftly We Laugh
Homecoming DetailArt Buchwald
Growing Up in Slow-MoMartha Bolton
In the Throes of Mother HenhoodBecky Freeman
Future Mothers of the Groom Wear Radar and Keep Their Eyes PeeledCharlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 13: You've Got to Be KiddingMore Family Humor
Amazing Medical BreakthroughLinda Weber
Angels Don't Always Have WingsGwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Stay HomeAloneMarti Attoun
When You Gotta GoRenae Bottom
Chapter 14: Mother, May I Laugh?
Grounded for LifeKendra Smalley
Learning to LandGwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
The Fish PondCarolyn Arends
Acrylic Nail Tip AdventuresRenae Bottom
Chapter 15: Ignorance is (domestic) Bliss
Excuses, ExcusesSandra Felton
Life's Grind (A Man's View of Ironing)Tim Wildmon
Wish I Were CraftyRenae Bottom
Hen Hugs and Heart TugsFran Caffey Sandin
Chapter 16: To Mom, With Love and Laughs
It's a Grapefruit DaySandra P. Aldrich
Curbin' Their Wormin' WaysBecky Freeman with Ruthie Arnold
The M.O.M. AwardsNancy Kennedy
You Know It's Mother's Day When…Martha Bolton
Chapter 17: You're Never too Old to Laugh
Ancient TreasureBob Phillips
Forget ItPatsy Clairmont
What's Age Got to Do with It?Pamela Shires Sneddon
The Good, the Bad, the GeezerCharlene Ann Baumbich