Humor for a Woman's Heart: Stories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart

Humor for a Woman's Heart: Stories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart


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Humor for a Woman's Heart: Stories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart by Various

Humor has the unique power to lift a heart to new heights, to heal the hurts of a bad day, and to infuse the soul with inspiration.

Samplings from some of your favorite authors and comedians include Patsy Clairmont, Martha Bolton, Mark Lowry, Carolyn Arends, and many more. This feel-good book will delight your feminine funny bone and tickle your female fancy.

Take a deep breath, inhale the joy, soak up the merriment, and you'll surely find that your heart is lighter, your day brighter, and your soul hilariously refreshed.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781416533498
Publisher: Howard Books
Publication date: 09/01/2001
Series: Humor for the Heart Ser.
Pages: 249
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 0.80(d)

Read an Excerpt

Humor for a Woman's Heart

Stories, Quips, and Quotes to Lift the Heart
By Various

Howard Books

Copyright © 2001 Various
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9781416533498

The Cheez Doodle Principle1

Nancy Kennedy

    Recently, I estimated that I've packed 2,179 school lunches.

    That's something like 1,084 peanut butter and jelly

sandwiches, 829 tuna, 45 egg salad, 143 bologna and 78 unidentified. Only 1,822

of those were actually eaten by my children.

    Of the 2,179 carefully packed pieces of fruit I've lovingly

included for balanced nutrition, I'd say most, if not all, are now compost at

the bottom of some landfill. Add the thousands of carrot sticks, dozens of

cherry tomatoes and scores of cheese chunks that go directly from lunch box to

trash can, and I have 2,179 reasons to sleep in.

    The only foods I'm certain get eaten are the

factory-packaged, artificially colored and flavored, chemical infested, sugar-

and fat-laden goodies that I warn the lunch-box carrier not to eat until after

the healthy stuff is gone (which kids define as wadded up, smashed beyond

recognition and soaked with milk before being thrown away.)

    That leaves me to conclude that if you are what you eat, then

my children are Cheez Doodles and Ho-Ho's.

I have other options in the Lunch Box Game. I could stay in bed,forget about

packing lunches, and look like the Joan Crawford of all mothers-or pack what

they do eat-namely, junk food. That might win points with my kids, but word

would leak out and I'd become the dreaded "other kids' mom," as in, "Other kids'

moms pack candy bars and fried pies in their lunch boxes."

    I could make them eat cafeteria food, but as I've been duly

told, "Cafeteria food is garooosss." Case closed.

That leaves packing the lunch box.

    As a veteran packer, I've observed several Lunch-Box Laws and


The Law of Negative Consumption. Simply stated, expensive sandwich fillings such

as roast beef or honey-glazed ham never get eaten. Out-of-season fruit gets sat

upon on the bus. The last bagel that you secretly coveted but gave to your child

gets immediately drenched in red Hawaiian Punch.

    The Law of Unbearable Temptation. This occurs whenever a

child is confronted with a food having a higher playwithability factor than

eatability factor. These include raisins, which get arranged barricade-style

then flicked across the table; bananas, which are used as guns and/or

nonreturnable boomerangs; and marshmallows, which occasionally get eaten, but

only after the child stuffs them all into his cheeks at once.

    The Law of Leakability. This law states that even if you wrap

your child's field-trip permission slip/report card/school picture carefully in

triple plastic bags before putting it inside his lunch box, his leak-proof

factory-sealed boxed drink will leak, destroying everything in its wake.

    The Law of "Oh, No!" Under this law, soda in a thermos

explodes, Jell-O melts and mustard permanently attaches itself to white


    The Principle of "Go Figure." Ziploc bags neither zip nor

lock when in a child's possession. Metal spoons and expensive plastic containers

never come home, but disposable plastic spoons and Cool Whip containers do. The

same kid who won't eat a broken potato chip at home will smash a bag of chips

into chip dust-then eat it with a spoon. Go Figure.

    There is a bright side. Even if my children never eat the

thousands of lunches I pack for them during their school careers, my efforts are

not in vain. Colossians 3:23–24 reminds me: "Whatever you do, work at it with

all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you

will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward."

    There's also an end in sight-my last child graduates next

year. Until then, I'll just take things one day at a time. Meanwhile, pass the

Cheez Doodles-the bus is almost here.


1.  "The Cheez Doodle Principle" by Nancy Kennedy. This article first appeared in

Christian Parenting Today magazine (September/October 1997), a publication of

Christianity Today, Inc. Used by permission.


Excerpted from Humor for a Woman's Heart by Various Copyright © 2001 by Various. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Just Kidding Around

What about the Grownups?—Bob Phillips
The Cheez Doodle Principle—Nancy Kennedy
The Big Boo from the Balcony—Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
George Invades Cyberspace—Charlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 2: Three Laughs for Mom
Go Figure—Dave Barry
Everyone Else's Mom—Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Mama Is a SCREAMER—Mark Lowry
Minivacations Even a Travel Agent Could Love—Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 3: Don't Laugh at Me Because I'm Beautiful
Deep Enough—Jean Kerr
Even These Hairs Are Numbered—Sheri Rose Shepherd
Aromatherapy Overdose—Renae Bottom
Held Hostage in the Dressing Room—Charlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 4: Ten Laughs, No Weighting
Diet Definition—from Lowell D. Streiker's A Treasury of Humor
11 Tips to Survive Swimsuit Shopping—Lynn Bowen Walker
I Never Met a Cookie I Didn't Fall in Love With—Nancy Kennedy
Be a Loser—Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 5: Parenting—Not for the Faint of Heart or the Slow to Laugh
Mimic over Manners—Anonymous
You Know Your Kids Are Growing Up When…—Lynn Bowen Walker
All Mama Ever Wanted—Mark Lowry
Missing the Manual—Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Chapter 6: Blushing Beauties—embarrassing moments
Bow Your Heads—Martha Bolton
Yuk It Up!—Patsy Clairmont
Blinded by the Light—Sheri Rose Shepherd
Sure I Can!—Patsy Clairmont
Chapter 7: Laughter, Family Style
Dog Heaven—Mark Twain
Pet Peeve—Pamela Shires Sneddon
Honey, They Flushed the Cat—Nancy Kennedy
Would You Like a Coronary with Your Coffee?—Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 8: Till Death Do Us Laugh—marriage humor
It Could Happen—Anonymous
Fun Questions for Married Couples—Bill and Pam Farrel
Would You Let Me Woo You?—Laura Jensen Walker
Time to Go: Ready or Not—Laura Jensen Walker
Chapter 9: A Houseful of Laughs
Presidential Candidates—Margaret Thatcher
Dare to Decorate—Lynn Bowen Walker
When You Can't Take It with You—Martha Bolton
Handy Dandy Rooster Repairs—Fran Caffey Sandin
Chapter 10: Bringing Up Laughter—more parenting humor
Raising Kids—Ed Asner
Private: No Trespassing—Karen Scalf Linamen
The Outlaws of Physics—Renae Bottom
A Hiding Place—Martha Bolton
Chapter 11: Humor With a Shine
Escapees from the Home Front–Heloise
Mapping Out Mom's Cleaning Strategy—Marti Attoun
Chronic Purse-Stuffers Club—Renae Bottom
It's Time to Clean Out the Fridge When…—Karen Scalf Linamen
Chapter 12: How Quickly They Grow, How Swiftly We Laugh
Homecoming Detail—Art Buchwald
Growing Up in Slow-Mo—Martha Bolton
In the Throes of Mother Henhood—Becky Freeman
Future Mothers of the Groom Wear Radar and Keep Their Eyes Peeled—Charlene Ann Baumbich
Chapter 13: You've Got to Be Kidding—More Family Humor
Amazing Medical Breakthrough—Linda Weber
Angels Don't Always Have Wings—Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
Stay Home—Alone—Marti Attoun
When You Gotta Go—Renae Bottom
Chapter 14: Mother, May I Laugh?
Grounded for Life—Kendra Smalley
Learning to Land—Gwendolyn Mitchell Diaz
The Fish Pond—Carolyn Arends
Acrylic Nail Tip Adventures—Renae Bottom
Chapter 15: Ignorance is (domestic) Bliss
Excuses, Excuses—Sandra Felton
Life's Grind (A Man's View of Ironing)—Tim Wildmon
Wish I Were Crafty—Renae Bottom
Hen Hugs and Heart Tugs—Fran Caffey Sandin
Chapter 16: To Mom, With Love and Laughs
It's a Grapefruit Day—Sandra P. Aldrich
Curbin' Their Wormin' Ways—Becky Freeman with Ruthie Arnold
The M.O.M. Awards—Nancy Kennedy
You Know It's Mother's Day When…—Martha Bolton
Chapter 17: You're Never too Old to Laugh
Ancient Treasure—Bob Phillips
Forget It—Patsy Clairmont
What's Age Got to Do with It?—Pamela Shires Sneddon
The Good, the Bad, the Geezer—Charlene Ann Baumbich
Source Notes

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