There were 2 people in my life that I was ready to die for.
One was my dad. When he was sick, I told myself that if he needed a heart transplant, I’d kill myself for him to have my heart,so he could continue on living.
The other person was my baby brother. Even though I had a sister a year younger than me, when my brother was born 4 years after me, I became really close to him. Close to him to the point that I would’ve given my life away so he could continue on living.
Here is what I have learnt: with all the love I have for my dad, he passed away when his time came.
With all the love I have for my baby brother, he decided to follow the recommendation of a church to no longer interact with me.
SO the lesson is:
I can and will never be able to save someone.
My life is sacred and is to be lived by me fully. Eternally.
I am the master of my own destiny, no one else is. In the same way, I am not the master of anyone else’s destiny.
Being aware of this, I am choosing to step away and let everyone be the MASTER of their own DESTINY.
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I am co-creator
Live. Intensely. Fully. Eternally.
By Mabelle Wilsi
Balboa PressCopyright © 2016 Mabelle Wilsi
All rights reserved.
"Be present in my LIFE, allow it to nourish that power within." "I co-create. I AM" "I learn from everyone I meet on my path and from every situation I encounter in my life" "Live Intensely Fully Eternally" "I am breathing; I am present; all falls in place"
Be present in my life; allow it to nourish that power within. Work with my feminine energy, accept it. I co-create, I am.
I ask myself how I can stay grounded in everyday life. The desire to stay grounded is constantly present, but then there are times where I'd rather be in my head, avoiding situation or not listening to the person in front of me "because s-he is annoying".
The truth is I learn from everyone I meet on my path. What in this person is annoying me so much?
I was going to a meditation class. I decided to park on the side of the road, there was a car behind me; I forgot to put the signal, but I drove my car to the right, to leave him enough room to pass it. He didn't see it that way. He drove up to the same level as my car and waited for me to turn toward him. I was busy unbuckling my seat belt and getting the manual I needed for the course. Maybe it took a minute. When I turn, ready to get out of the car, he was still there and had an angry face. I have no idea what he was saying, I couldn't hear it, and I didn't waste any energy trying to read his lips.
My 1st thought was "man, you really need to meditate, maybe you need to come to this class with me". He passed me, and I went to the course. During the course I was imagining myself having super power, like being able to run really fast. I was imagining myself running beside his car, stopping it, and making him come to the meditation class so he can understand that he doesn't need to be angry. Those thoughts left me smiling.
I learned not to take someone else's anger, misery or depression personally, as I used to do.
I learned how to breathe.
Yes I know, I breathe every day, big deal. We all do, but how conscious am I of my breath? It is natural, so I often forget that I am even breathing, until I stop and take a deep breath that fill up my lungs and exhale, emptying my lungs completely. I feel right away grounded when I do so, I am more present in what I am doing. And if I am still finding the person in front of me so annoying, then I observe that person more, and I see beyond the person. I no longer have in front of me a woman or a man, I have a perfect being, and that always makes me smile. I have a perfect being who is sharing some of their life experience, story with me, what an honour! Should I decide that I don't like the energy that surrounds that perfect being, I can, CONSCIOUSLY, choose to end the conversation without judgment, with love and compassion.
When stressful situation arises, what is a stressful situation? It is a "situation or factor causing a physical, mental or emotional tension".
What makes a situation stressful?
What I came to realize is that I feel stressed when I have expectation, when I have hope, when in my head it needs to be a certain way. So when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out, I am stress. When I follow someone else's gut, and I am not aligning with the universe or don't follow my truth I am stressed. "Now Esther, what do we do?" I'll find myself asking myself.
Breathing. As simple as that. Being aware of my reality, to what is happening out there, if I want to call that reality.
Breathing brings me to the present moment. I found it impossible to be taking deep breaths and projecting myself in the future or living an event that happen in the past. I am fully in my body. Well I chose to do this journey in a physical body; I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I am more aware of how I land my feet on the ground, how I hold that beautiful body of mine.
Breathing connects me to the core of the Universe, the Divine, and the Source and especially keeps me grounded on mother earth. I am grounded; I leave my head and stay connected.
The answers come easier, because all I am doing is breathing; I am no longer trying to figure out everything. I am breathing, I am present, and all falls in place exactly as it needs to.CHAPTER 2
"I am here on earth to support and love myself deeply" "I learn to express myself without expecting anything' "I learn at my own pace" "It is through the small habits that we build our love" "My heart is big enough to love again" "I am creating smaller habits with myself"
* * *
LOVE: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire. (1-The random house dictionary)
Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection
Verb: Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)
Here was my definition of love:
He will love you when the sun goes down And hate you when the sun comes up Because he is a man, don't you know?
He will cheer with you when he succeeds And blame you when he fails Because he is a man don't you know?
He will avoid your comments during the day And lay on you, in you when comes dusk Because he is a man, don't you know?
You will pick up after him You will do the laundry, fold and put his cloths away Because you are a woman, don't you know?
You will cook him delicious meals You will provide for him when he chooses not to work Because you are a woman, don't you know?
Your mother took care of your dad Your mother was a strong woman Your mother never cried in front of anyone Because she is a woman, don't you know?
You will only show your happiness You will bury deep your sorrow Because you are a woman, don't you know?
You will be strong and soft at the same time You will be his wife, his friend His lover and his mother at the same time Because you are a woman, don't you know?
You will kneel when you are asked to You will allow his semen in you Because you are a woman, don't you know?
You will bury your emotions You will be present and happy at all time Because you are a woman, don't you know?
Your mother is a woman Your grandma was a woman before your mother And in their footprints you will step Because you are a woman, don't you know?
I searched the Internet for: "How many times does a person fall in love in their life?" Of course, there were many answers. One answer that appeared many times made me jump, "Once" it said, "If it is the real one" it said.
What does "The Real One" mean?
I fell in love three times — True love, unconditional love.
A friend said that it was not possible nowadays to meet someone who will love us unconditionally. I said:
"I have loved unconditionally"
"And what happened?" he asked.
"It was painful. I was expecting the same from the other person."
He laughed. I then realized that I didn't love those men unconditionally, because I had expectations, and as long as there are expectations attached to the love I had for them, I could not call it unconditional. Expectations and unconditional love do not go hand in hand.
I am over thirty, and I fell in love only three times? Is it too much or not enough? What is too much or not enough?
I fell in love three times and they were each the real one for me.
My first love
My first love was the love I had for my dad, a true genuine love that was emanated from my heart, a love that will fill all my being anytime "papa" got home from work. What a pleasure to see him walk in the house. That love had some fear to it as well, especially those days where I disrespected him. I remember, at the beginning of his disease, I was 12; he was sitting in the TV room on the 1 seat couch, he needed an extra cushion, and requested mine; well as a teenager, I decided that it was in my right not to give it to him. Knowing that I wasn't going to win that battle, I threw it at his face. He grabbed it just before it hit his face and just stared at me. I didn't know where to put myself in order to escape that gaze.
I eventually left the room without looking back once, well, the movie no longer matter, my sanity did.
Even though I had that fear toward my dad that a simple look from him made me run out of a room, the love I had for him was much bigger, but then he "left". Eventually he passed away from the disease he had for 2 years. I was still a teenager at a time, an age I needed my papa more than anything. At that age where I had many questions.
My first unconditional love, my biggest lost, my first lost. The first time I was "dumped". How can I trust enough to fully let my heart be taken by another man? How can I fully trust enough to allow myself to just give that unconditional love to another man when the first man who I gave that love to, left me without saying goodbye when I needed him the most? How do I get out of that spiral of wanting to love unconditionally and being scared of doing it? Maybe, I can only have one big love in my life, and that love is the one I have for my dad.
Then there was Sun.
I was on a trend of my life as a single woman. I was able to convince myself that I was happy that way and mostly that I didn't want to love a man anymore. "He will, too leave me when I will need him the most" I didn't want any man in my life.
We recognized each other the first time we saw each other — we just knew. We went to each other and spent the whole night talking like two old friends who missed each other. We spent hours talking; we had so much to share. It felt that we lived a past life together and were glad to be together again.
I felt comfortable around him; I felt like I no longer needed the walls I put up high after the loss of my first love. I brought those walls down. I allowed myself to be happy with a man, to trust him and to do the scariest thing: open up my heart and let him in. We quickly discovered that we had the same dream: to open an orphanage in a Country in West Africa, in Gambia, and to adopt a girl, our daughter.
At times a look at each other said what we were thinking. Words were no longer needed. We argued often. That was new to me. Being in love, loving someone meant that I needed to embrace the other point of view, meant that we should be on the same page at all time Before that, I could never get upset. It didn't matter what was happening. I might get annoyed, which would last five minutes at the most. I had never been able to express my feelings, everything was hidden inside.
Mother used to say, "Mabelle never gets mad, you can do whatever you want to her, she will come back within minutes and talk to you and won't even mention the issue."
Does that mean that I was a great kid? No, it just meant that I pushed all my feelings and emotions down, and I believed that I wasn't worth being loved. I thought if I became upset, I might lose the only people who loved me. It was the truth for me. It was my truth.
This is the definition of my truth: Whatever I believed in unequivocally is my truth.
Several lies were considered truth because several people believed in them. Ancient Greeks and Babylonians believed that the earth was a flat disc. Romans believed that the earth was at the center of the universe and that the sun revolves around it. In the later centuries, it was believed that babies didn't feel pain.
When I met Sun, a door, doors, of emotion opened up. Something happened within me that I was able to allow myself to cry in front of him, to feel sadness and to express it. I was able to express the beginning of anger quickly and then smile again. I was surprised; I didn't know what to do with all of those emotions that came up. I didn't know how to handle them. I had never received an instruction manual on "how to deal with your emotions in twelve steps". I didn't know what was happening.
I asked myself, "Where do all these tears come from? How come I cry when I am sad?" Then, I told myself, "This is insane. This is not me at all.
It has to be Sun. It is his fault I feel these emotions. I'll tell him how miserable he makes me."
I cried the day my dad passed because my mum was crying, and it made me sad to see my mother cry.
At his funeral I let out a loud, sad scream and that was it for the rest of the day. And for most of my life until I met Sun, there were no more tears.
"What to do with all those tears, why don't they stop when I ask them to?" I asked myself over and over again.
Not knowing what was happening, I convinced myself that Sun was doing something wrong to me. It had to be his fault. Instead of telling him, "Love, I've never felt that emotional before. I am confused and don't know how to deal with it. Support me in expressing my emotions in a healthier way." I said, "See, you make me sad again. I've never cried like this before. This is your fault."
Every single tear was his fault.
STOP! No one can ever make me do something or make me feel a certain way I choose to do whatever I am doing and feel the way I am feeling.
Even if today I feel sad and unhappy the whole day, I am the one who chose those feelings.
It is not my mother, my ex-boyfriend or the waitress that made me angry, but instead it is an old feeling or emotion that hasn't been resolved. The anger is resurfacing in order for me to deal with it, so I can move on and not be trapped in the same spot forever; a kind of awareness.
I also realized that I am not alone in a relationship, I have the other, my partner, who is a reflection of where I was in my life at the moment. I met him and we chose to be together.
Choosing to give all my attention to my partner and forgetting about myself is not healthy. We are two, YOU and ME forming US. YOU alone do not form US, and I alone do not form US. I need to exist in the relationship, express myself, my desires, my truth. This doesn't mean he will agree with me. If I feel like cuddling and just BEING, he might think about going for a movie instead.
I often forgot to express myself, to get my voice out of my throat, say my truth. If I felt like going to the sea to spend a weekend together, I would barely say it. I would wait, expecting him to read my mind. And instead of the sea, I would find myself drinking in a bar with him and his friends. It was quite the opposite of my desire, but I figured that it was alright.
What happens when I suppress my feelings too much? Eventually, I burst. That is normal. I cannot keep filling a balloon with air and expect it to grow larger with no consequences. It will certainly burst. As a child, I did this several times. I blew into a balloon until it burst; it was a game I played quite often.
But not knowing how to express anger healthily, I didn't burst. I kept taking in more and more. I didn't know what else to do, but even the time I felt the anger, I didn't have the words to express it; the feeling of not being understood stayed in me.
But with Sun, I discovered that we could disagree and still love each other. Arguments didn't seem to dull the love I had for him. It made me grow closer to him. I started feeling comfortable with my emotions and slowly, I learned to express my anger, first by writing. It was easier for me as I didn't have to see him when he read the note. I will leave him a note, most of the time it was a letter. After he read it, we will sit and discuss it.
The words come clearly when I write to express my feelings and mention the subject of disagreement. The most amazing part of writing is that I keep learning more and more about myself as well. I learn how to handle different situations that arise in my life.
Learning to express my anger truly opened doors. Opening those doors helped me cleanse some old anger and allowed me to learn to express my emotions in a healthier way. Realizing the problem, identifying it, helped me let go without blame.
French is my first language, it was his third language. We were up in his apartment; after we had supper, I congratulated him at the fact that his French was improving so well. "Thank you, at least I make some effort in French, you don't even speak my language and don't even show any interest in learning it". It became a fight. He was mad and I couldn't see why. I started watching subtitled Dutch movie. It made him happy even if I couldn't understand a single word; it was a step forward to understanding and speaking Dutch one day.
Then in the breaking up, there was no fight. We both knew it was no longer working and we both needed to move on. Despite that knowing, I was devastated. A part of me felt betrayed, if he was the real one, he had to work out. After that morning conversation that sealed the end of the relationship, I lay on the couch with the television on; I was staring at the ceiling. I lay on that couch for the entire day. At night I went to bed. And that was my life for the next four days. On the living room table, I had a bottle of apple juice, the only "food" I was able to stand. The television was on, my gaze on the ceiling. I had no idea how I was going to pick up the pieces, my pieces. I felt apart. I kept all within close to my heart; it was like a sharp precious stone that was tearing my heart apart, that was tearing my whole being apart.
But I refused to share the story with anyone. I refused to share my hurt with anyone, because I was scared that by doing so I would have completely lost him. I was scared that letting go, even a tiny bit of this story would have been letting go a part of him. It was my hurt, my own very hurt. I deserved it; I kept it within me with pride, a wound I was the only one to see, a deep wound that wasn't sewn and left an ugly scare, but a scare I was wearing with pride.
Excerpted from I am co-creator by Mabelle Wilsi. Copyright © 2016 Mabelle Wilsi. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1. Present, 1,
Chapter 2. Love, 9,
Chapter 3. My Truth, 37,
Chapter 4. Birth, 61,
Chapter 5. I am the Director, 71,
Chapter 6. Intentions, 85,
Chapter 7. Beliefs, 101,
Chapter 8. I Am Co-Creator, 117,
Chapter 9. My Past, 129,
Chapter 10. Nothingness, 151,
Chapter 11. Who Was I, 167,
Chapter 12. Questions, 181,