For the record, I do not wear granny panties!
They are a nylon-spandex with reinforced tummy control panel support shaping panty that are engineered to hide the fact that I've given birth twice and keeps me from having muffin belly! I have more technology in my jeans than NASA has on the Space Shuttle.
So I am cleaning out my underwear drawer and hubby tells me to throw out the "granny panties." To my horror I inform him, "I don't wear granny panties!" Pointing out that my undergarments are carefully divided into my everyday comfortable nylon-spandex tummy controllers, my full-body Spanx that I wear under dresses, the panties that don't show through my dress pants and the foolishness he buys me every Christmas. There are no granny panties in this drawer!
He picks up a pair of my NASA engineered favourites and insisted, "These are granny panties."
"No they are not!" I protested, "Granny panties are cotton, with flowers all over them and come up to your armpits." I grabbed my daily favourites out of his hand, "These are a modern-day wonder! They hide years of not doing sit-ups every day, cellulite dimples, Big Macs with extra sauce and muffin belly! My grandmother never had panties like this!"
"Call them what you want. They are modern-day granny panties" he informs me.
Putting them back in the drawer I thought, "I would have to join a gym if I ever gave these beauties up."
Anyway it got me to thinking. So I made a visit to a lingerie store. Maybe my underwear drawer did need some updating.
The walls of the store were lined with massive posters of girls who don't eat so they can wear lace without tummy control panels. Looking at their photo-shopped abs didn't inspire me to drop to the floor and do a hundred sit-ups it just made me want to hold them down and force feed them hamburgers.
The 20 something sales girl came over with her size 0 figure and asked if I needed help. "I am looking to update my underwear drawer" I tell her, "I am looking for something that is comfortable but... sexy." I know in her head she's thinking "Sex at her age! Wow good for her!"
First she shows me the wall of underwear designed to turn on perverts. "No, that's not what I am looking for" and we move along to the "School girl" underwear to turn on pedophiles. "That's not me either" I tell her. Then she shows me the "new" line just in that week with the red or black fur around the waistband. "Doesn't that show through your dress pants?" I ask her. "Oh, you don't wear anything over these ones." That ought to make my work day more interesting I thought to myself.
Then she brings out the most dreaded, torturous devise knows to woman... the G-String!
I tried a pair once and I looked like a summo wrestler. Even I laughed when I looked in the mirror. It brought back a memory to me. I was doing a two-day course at university. Before the course started the students were standing around the back of the class chatting and getting to know one another. I met this lovely lady who told me she was 60-years-old and was doing the course out of interest. When it was time to sit down, she sat in front of me and to my horror she was wearing low-cut jeans that revealed a tattooed pair of eyes above her butt cheeks but the worst part, she was wearing a silver thong.
It was like a car crash, I couldn't look away. For seven hours the droopy eyes on her butt watched me, staring at me, scarring me for life. Every time she put up her hand to ask a question her hips shifted and her butt winked at me. The sliver G-string thread around her waist looked like a disco Hippie headband. I would never be able to look at a G-string without thinking of her butt eye balling me.
"I don't do fanny-floss" I told her. I need something comfortable. "Maybe you should go to Walmart" she says. "Maybe you should go to hell" I thought in my head.
With her sales commission still in my wallet, I left and called hubby from my cell phone in the car.
"Ok I am willing to compromise. Wh
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.80(d)|
About the Author
Escott has a unique perspective on life and a funny way of looking at it. From wearing granny panties to Brazilians to capturing the essence of a moment in a person’s life. Escott will make you laugh out loud and feel better about yourself. She is the best friend you have always wanted and the life of the party. You will be glad you invited her into your life.
Table of Contents
Granny panties 1
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the delivery room 5
Crack dealers in the hood! 8
Are men the new women? 11
Angels we have heard on high 17
Fifty Shades of Grey -Or my version for those 40 and over "Fifty Ways a Day" 21
If I just had five more minutes! 25
Bringing sexy back with lingerie 29
Does anybody know how to be a good mother? 33
Hubby asked "Why do you let Christmas stress you out?" So I killed him 38
Madonna's Rebel Heart Tour- 47
Happy Father's Day Mom! 53
Hiding evidence 57
Girl's night! 60
How often can a woman pee? 64
I am going to step on your humbug 68
I've got it in the bag 72
You made your bed, now lay in it 76
Who hasn't thrown their back out taking off control top panty-hose and Spanx? 80
Boy bands: Rollermania forever! The Tartan Army lives on 85
Is it wrong to plan a man's murder when he is sick, even if it is only in your head? 89
In these shoes! 92
It's A Hairy Situation 94
Is beauty in the eye of the scalpel holder? 98
Who do you love more, Mommy or Daddy? 102
Is chivalry dead? 106
Lost in translation 111
Lost at the mall: The day your Mother dies 117
Me a hoarder? 120
Mom Doesn't Have a Penis! 124
My mother says the strangest things 127
What's "real" about the "Real Housewives" of anywhere? 131
My son, the politician 134
Tweeting in the 80's 138
Observations in a mall: The lady with the expensive purse 143
Spring Cleaning in August 149
Observations in a mall: The old lady and the tea 152
Supermodels can't really fly 156
There but for the Grace of God go I 160
Don't talk to your teenaged daughter like I do. It doesn't work! 163
Remember that girl we bullied in 1998, Monica Lewinsky? Have you apologized to her yet? 166
The best way to lose weight…dog! 170
Things you shouldn't have to pay for, like peeing 174
The Goldwing and the Cat 178
Retirement, a time to find out who you are now 182
The secret to a good marriage is a good pot-roast 189
September Blues 193
There's no "pause" in menopause! 198
Six and a baby 203
They called it puppy love 206
I won't march under the banner "Slut" not even to stop sexual violence 210
How do you sit in a miniskirt? Does anyone know? 214
I'll tell 10 friends 218
Who the hell gave me a baby? 221
The Boy's Cat 227
A Game of Thongs 231
What's more dangerous than the "Old Boys Club?" The "Good Girls Club!" 235
The Sisterhood of W.I.N.E. - Women in need of excitement 240
Then a hero comes along 243
There's nothing funny about this blog, as a matter of fact, I am pissed! 247
Why do women pick on other women? 251
Discovering Cuba: Put it on your bucket list before it's too late 254
Why I tip the school bus driver 260
Why you should marry your best friend 263
Women hold up halt the sky 265
That social media over reaction 269
A fake tan is like big fake boobs. Everybody laughs behind your back 272
Stealing her recycling - A snapshot of life 275
Lot to be said for old friends 279
About the Author 284
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
I’ve read a lot of serious books recently and I Am Funny Like That was just what I needed right now. Some light-hearted fun, and I know books claim to be able to make you laugh out loud, but this one really did. Behind a lot of the humour is an underlying commentary at modern life and society that is as insightful as it is funny. After learning that Escott’s book was based on her blog posts I went to look at that and can see there’s a lot more material for future books. So now I’m a fan and eager to see what comes next. The kind of book you immediately love and want to give copies to friends so you can discuss it with them.
Reviewed by Alyssa Elmore for Readers' Favorite I Am Funny Like That: A Funny Look At Life by Helen C. Escott is a heartwarming compilation of humorous stories that will make you laugh and cry. Written first as a blog, the author turned her very funny and meaningful stories into a large, funny book about life! A perfect book for a mother, daughter, or even spouses to read together. I Am Funny Like That will have you rolling on the floor with laughter or crying in sympathy with the author. The author did a fantastic job of showing you how to keep a humorous outlook as one travels the ups and downs on life's emotional roller coaster. This book is a must-read for the frazzled mother and the menopausal woman. It helps remind us that life is made up of little moments; only we have the power to decide how to respond to them. Responding with humor is always best. Being a mother, I could easily relate to the author's stories. Life changes when you have a child, but for the better. At times, in the daily battles, the sweat, grime and snot, the sickness, the disappointments and heartache, and the constant, desperate need to be the Best Mom, we forget to have fun. We forget to be happy. We forget to just be in the moment. I Am Funny Like That: A Funny Look At Life by Helen C. Escott reminded me to stop and enjoy my life, my child, and forget about what other people think about me and about my family. It reminded me to laugh when a mishap happens instead of flipping out because it's another mess, another thing for me to deal with. It reminded me, it's Life. I am grateful that the author took the time to remember. This book is both funny and inspirational and would make a great gift.
Reviewed by Trudi LoPreto for Readers' Favorite I Am Funny Like That: A Funny Look at Life by Helen C. Escott made me laugh out loud many times, shake my head, and say "WOW, I can relate to that." Several times I had to read my husband a passage that was so us, I just had to share it. Every short story has an "I known what you mean, I’ve thought that too" feeling. There was no order or pattern to the collection, rather it just dealt with such funny incidents as granny panties, what do they really look like; what does sexy lingerie consist of; the stress of Christmas decorating; fathers, mothers and grandmas; going to the bathroom; the misery of wearing Spanx; shopping; tweenagers; getting along with our daughters and so much more. It is impossible not to look at the funny side of how we act and what we say after reading I Am Funny Like That. Helen C. Escott has taken the everyday world and found humor and happiness in all kinds of situations. If every once in a while you like escaping the mystery, intrigue, romance, science fiction stories, then this is a must-read. I could so relate and found myself laughing both at myself and with Helen Escott in so many of the stories that is impossible not to give this book a five star rating, as it truly is all it claims to be – A Funny Look at Life.