I Have a Secret

by H Bird

Overview

H. Bird was the youngest of five children. Her life was a constant struggle from poverty to abuse and the eventual diagnosis of a disease that would take her life. Her childlike spirit and appreciation of the simple things in life carried her through and inspired many. May her story also be an inspiration to others.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781524698287
Publisher:	AuthorHouse
Publication date:	06/29/2017
Pages:	178
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.41(d)

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

I am wrapped in my warm cocoon of serenity, away from the unpredictable world, the confusion, the anger. Breathing the warm, almost thick, smell of old leather cracked and turned yellow by age. Bumping and creaking on the rusty old springs, over small stones on the roadside. The rhythmic lurch to the right from the bent wheel of this well used buggy. I am being pushed by my ten-year old sister Amanda, who is much too young to be responsible for such a tiny, 9-month-old baby. Walking with us, to get out of our Mother's hair, is my middle sister Corinne. At age 4, she is already much too opinionated for her own good. She is such a free spirit but, in this world of survival, no one has time to appreciate her incredible sense of wonderment.

Suddenly clanging and thudding sounds intrude on my sleep! "Quiet Scott, you'll wake the baby! Take those noisy pails and Cocoa way up ahead of us," ordered Amanda as firmly as her squeaky child voice could muster.

We are on a raspberry picking Safari, to the other side of the neighbor's fence. Scott, my seven-year-old brother, is carrying our equipment. Cocoa, our family dog, would protect us from anything except water. Even though his Labrador retriever half made him a great swimmer, his cocker spaniel half made his fur so thick, long and curly that it would soak up too much water and suck him under. There was not much worry of this here though, as there were no lakes for quite a distance.

Just as Amanda had expected, Scott's ruckus woke me and I started wailing. "Oh great. Now I'll have to push Hanna all the way home and Mum will be so mad!" lamented Amanda. It may sound like she was over dramatizing her predicament, but it really was no easy chore to push that cumbersome buggy through the foot-tall grasses of the field. Mum was always so tired when she was doing all of our laundry. She had to do it every second or third day in the old wringer washer that took constant supervision. It was heavy, manual labour lifting the soaked clothes out of the water and feeding them through the wringers. Each time she did laundry, Mum would remember how her own mother's beautiful long hair had been caught in the wringers and ripped from her scalp, never to grow the same again. Then Mum would have to carry all the clothes to the yard to hang them on the clothes line. The broken wooden and metal pins would sometimes let go from the weight and send all of her hard work falling to the dirt below to become laundry again for tomorrow.

"My goodness, what's all that noise about?" cooed our Mother's voice.

"I'm so sorry, Mum. It was Scott's fault for waking her up" apologized Amanda.

Mum answered as she lifted me from the buggy, "Not to worry, babies are meant to wake up at the worst times. You go along and fetch us some of those marvelous berries. We're going to need something for dessert. I'll manage this little bumpkin."

I believe I knew, from the time my Mother carried me in her womb, that I would be dearly loved and the glue to hold our family together. It was for this reason, as she held me, that I stopped crying. She then changed my wet clothing. More laundry for tomorrow! She laid me back in the snug buggy in the yard for a nap before walking into the kitchen to get the basket of wet clothes for hanging on the line outside. As she bent down to pick up the basket, our blue budgie Joey, landed on her shoulder to steal a ride out into the warm summer sunshine. People were amazed that the bird never flew away when they did this, but to me it just seemed natural that two such gentle creatures should want to stay together.

I awoke from my nap to giggles and a gentle slurping sound. My siblings were all crowded around our kitchen table. It was the old, arborite kind. Red with chrome legs. They were relishing the simple flavors of raspberries with sugar and canned milk. It wasn't often they could afford to have dessert and this was a special moment to be savored and remembered.

The back door opened and in came my eldest brother Pat, short for Patrick. At only thirteen years old he had finished his two paper routes for the day. The money he earned was needed to help feed our family. Mum quickly dished up his dinner of baked beans and fried spam with a glass of powdered skim milk. He always enjoyed his dinner, because he would be so hungry, and tonight there was dessert!

As he was happily dishing up his bowl of raspberries and reaching for the sugar ... BAM! That same tranquil backdoor that opened to let Pat in, now became an instrument of anger and terror as it was thrust inward, banging the wall so hard that the handle imbedded in the plaster. Cocoa leapt to his feet from his resting place behind the old oil stove. He was barking and growling at his master who had barged into this once peaceful abode. In running to meet this intruder, Cocoa was greeted with a swift kick in the ribs to shove him out the door which was then slammed shut behind him.

"Chad please," sighed Mum as she went to check how the dog was, only to be pushed to the floor as she reached for the doorknob.

Once again, I was screaming. "Take the baby and go into the other room," Pat whispered sternly to the kids. They knew from experience, to obey quickly.

I was being pushed in my buggy from the room as Pat's bowl of raspberries was flung skyward by a swing of our father's arm. Amanda lifted me from my buggy in her shaking arms and the four of us crept up to our rooms while the storm raged on below.

I don't remember too much from my really early childhood, and some say maybe that's for the best. Over all I think that we were basically happy with a sprinkling of terrible moments. I know that we owe a lot of thanks to Pat, who shielded us from the worst of it. His life had been filled with our father belittling, rejecting and hitting him and he wanted better for us. He behaved more like a man, now at thirteen, than our father did. This probably made Pat a target for much of the abuse he suffered, as our father would have seen this too.

CHAPTER 2

My next memory is from about age three. I remember watching my brothers building their wooden, soapbox, racecars out of scraps of wood and old buggy wheels. They were pretty impressive looking and could really pick up speed going down our steep hill. I wasn't allowed to ride in them, so soon lost interest and went to play by the stream. It was actually a 6-inch-wide ditch but I could watch the clear water babbling over the rocks and grass for hours. I loved to float little twigs and splash my hands in the water. Amanda would be helping Mum make bread or, sometimes, even cookies. Corinne would be playing house at her friend's. Her friend had much nicer toys and dolls there.

That night we all gathered in my brothers' room to watch the electric train go around and around. I felt something warm and wet on my lip when Corinne shouted, "Hanna has a nose bleed again!" Apparently, I got them quite often. Some people said they thought it was from the stress I was living under. Not knowing when or if my father would come home and if he would beat my Mum or brother again when he did.

At age four I remember my dad coming home in his shiny car. He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it!! WOW! I knew I had not been in a moving car before and I was so excited! I had to ask my Mum but surely, she would let me, I thought. This was about the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me!

"Oh, but we were just going to have lunch," Mum said. "And I was going to take you for a ride in my race buggy," piped in Pat.

"She could do that stuff anytime," answered my Dad.

"No, Chad, that's not a good idea," retorted Mum.

"To hell with that she's my kid and I'm taking her!" he replied.

I was so happy to go that it didn't matter that Mum and Pat were running after the car looking very concerned. I would see them after my ride. It never occurred to my young mind that they may have a reason to not want me to go.

The trees and building tops sailed right by my window, it was so exciting. I couldn't see the people or sidewalks, as I was too short to have a good view, but it didn't matter. I was in a moving car! Then we came to a stop and my Dad got out saying, "I'll just be a few minutes. Be good." Of course, I'd be good. It wasn't all the time I got to ride in a moving car.

I sat up on my knees so I could look outside and watch the people walking by. There were kids at the park playing ball, ladies pushing shopping carts and dogs chasing cats. After a while, I got bored watching them, so I moved over to pretend that I was driving. It was such fun! Then I honked the horn by accident. I was so scared I would be in trouble that I jumped over the seat into the back and hid on the floor. I think I fell asleep down there because when I got up it was all different outside. The darkness was moving in. The kids were gone from the park and there wasn't anyone on the sidewalk anymore. Now I started wishing that my Dad would come back. I was getting hungry and I needed to go to the bathroom. I kept looking for something to entertain me while waiting. I moved from the back floor to the seat and then to the front seat and back again. I was bouncing on the seat, holding my bottom so I wouldn't wet my pants. I wanted to go home so badly that I started to cry. I think that I cried myself to sleep again as I was awakened by a lady knocking on the car window. She was asking me if I was alright.

It was pitch dark outside and my pants were wet. I was really afraid of that strange lady trying to take me. Luckily my Dad appeared. His clothes were all messed up and he was walking as if he was dancing. That lady started yelling at him right away, saying something about the child in the car. He said that he didn't know anything about any child in the car and I know he was telling the truth because as he unlocked the door he was very surprised to see me.

He muttered some words to me as he fell in behind the steering wheel, but I couldn't understand what he said. I just sat on the back seat as quiet as a mouse hoping that he would forget I was there. I was scared that I would get a spanking for having wet my pants, so I stayed very quiet.

The car smelled badly from my pee and something else both acrid and sour. I was thinking I might throw up, when he suddenly stopped the car to throw up himself. More muttering, that I could not understand, then on we went again. The next time we stopped, I heard my Mum and Pat's voices. They were shouting and calling my name and they didn't sound very happy. I guess they were still mad at me that I went for the drive and now they were yelling at Dad too. It was all my fault and I was ashamed of my wet pants. My Mummy was hugging me and crying as she lifted me out of the car. She passed me to Pat, who carried me to Amanda, who then gave me a bath. The warm water felt nice, as did the soft pjs and warm glass of milk afterwards. I couldn't understand why I didn't get in trouble for my wet pants, but I was glad I didn't. I promised out loud to never go in the car again. I was so sorry. It felt so good to be home that I drifted off easily to sleep, despite all the yelling downstairs.

The next morning, I came downstairs and there was a new piece of furniture in the living room. I was sleepy still and didn't even notice it when I walked by. My family was laughing because it was a big surprise to all of them. They thought we could never afford a television! I had never even heard about television before this.

"Come and I'll show you how it works," said Pat. He showed me how to pull out the little knob to turn it on. Then we waited while the light inside warmed up and a strange picture of a circle with an Indian chief in the center came on. I guess that my face showed that I wasn't impressed so Pat said, "Just wait until a show comes on, then you'll like it. We got your nickname from a little fairy named Tinkerbell on the Walt Disney Show. Now you can see who she is."

"My nickname's not Tinkerbell," I laughed.

"Well, we called you that as a baby. Then we shortened it to Tink," explained Pat.

I thought about this while I ate my bowl of porridge with brown sugar and canned milk and then went outside to play. I went next door to see if Darren Maxwell could play. He was the same age as me and had an older brother named Harry. They had lots of dinky toy cars. We would make towns with roads in the backyard dirt and play for hours or we would play marbles. Not today though because there was no one home.

Next, I went to see if I could visit Mr. Evan who lived next door to us. He was usually in the garage and would stop to talk to me for a while. Sometimes showing me tricks like how he could rub a penny in his hands and it would disappear! He was missing half a finger on one of his hands and he kept hoping that it would grow back. The garage door was shut so he was still in the house. Mrs. Evan didn't like me to knock, so I went across the street to the Martin's.

Mr. Martin was in the garden, as he always was, so I told him that we got a Television.

"You're full of prunes," he answered. He always said this to me, even though I didn't eat prunes. "You go see Mrs. Martin. I think she's got a muffin for you."

I went around to the kitchen door, got a big hug and a yellow muffin from Mrs. Martin. My Mum always knew where I was because Cocoa was with me. Whichever house I was visiting, he would be laying on the doorstep patiently waiting for me.

Today he stayed at the Martin's house until there was such a commotion outside that we both had to go see what was happening.

Next to Darren's yard, was a huge forest. I wasn't allowed to play in it because I could get lost. There was a gigantic, double tree, which was taller than any of the other trees in that forest. The tree started as one tree trunk and, about 20 feet up, it separated into two trunks or whole trees. It magnificently stood at the top end of our road.

Whenever the kids didn't really want you to do something, like play with them, they would dare you to climb the double tree. Of course, you wouldn't climb that huge tree, so then you couldn't play with them. Only today, someone took the dare, Amanda! She always wanted to hang around with Pat and his friends but they didn't want a dumb kid sister tagging along. So, they said she could hang around them, when she climbed the double tree. They never thought she would, but she did! The commotion was that she had climbed all 150 feet to the top and now was frozen with fear and could not move to climb back down. Pat and Mr. McGregor, from down the road, had climbed as far up as they could. To no avail, they were trying to talk her down. Then they called the fire truck! It was now screaming up the street with sirens blaring.

My poor Mum was, very shakily, standing in front of the Maxwell's house, looking so gray and tired. She had become accustomed to injuries with Scott, who was a bit of a dare devil and had already had several broken arms and a broken leg, but not so with Amanda.

Two of the firemen took ropes and began the climb telling Mr. McGregor and Pat to climb down first. Amanda was sobbing uncontrollably. She was holding on to the trunk so tightly that her hands were going numb. To make matters worse, she was so near the top of the tree that the trunk was almost as thin as a branch. The men couldn't go that far. The highest fireman had to stop about 3 feet below her and talk her into moving her hands just a little bit lower. Then she could move her foot down to the next branch 3 inches lower. This took at least 30 minutes, which felt like the longest time. Then, as Amanda began to trust the fireman a little more, she would move a little faster. Finally, she was within his reach! He could put a harness on her, that attached her to him, and they could climb down together!

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "I Have a Secret"
by .
Copyright © 2017 H Bird.
Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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