Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Be the Best Damn Mediocre Parent You Can Be 5
You might he a mediocre mom if… 7
Girl Scout troop leaders F'ing rock, which is exactly why I shouldn't be one 12
Shit I do that I know I shouldn't do 22
A love letter to another mediocre mom 26
A completely unscientific study about multitasking 30
Twenty-eight ways being a mom is like being in prison 37
Tell Those Overachieving Moms to Suck It 41
Only a-holes send chain letters 43
A bunch of things I do that would make overachieving moms think I'm a shitty mom, and maybe they're right but I don't care 48
Yo douchebags who constantly brag on Facebook, this chapter's for you 53
But all you did on your birthday was slide out my hooha 59
You Want to Watch My Child? BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh Wait, You're Serious 67
A letter to my kids' teachers 69
Halle-F'ing-lujah, both kids are finally in school 73
"What NOT to F'ing do when you're taking care of your grandkids 83
The really serious chapter about something that sucks big-time 88
And for Dinner I Gave My Kids an Eating Disorder 95
Every. F'ing. Night. 97
How to properly ruin a friend's BBQ 101
Dear parents who don't think it's fair to ban nuts from school 108
Once upon a time there was a green bean 112
Conversations I've had with my picky eaters 117
Allllllllll the things my kids won't eat, even if they are literally starving to death 119
Here an Orifice, There an Orifice, Everywhere an Orifice Orifice 123
One SINGLE trip to the bathroom with my kid 125
Introducing the newest Olympic event… Synchronized Pooping!!! 133
Well, that was fun. Not 138
Shake it off, shake it off (and if that doesn't work, get a sponge) 146
I Tried the Crying it Out Method … I'm Still Crying 153
Bedtime is for succccckers 155
How NOT to keep your kiddo awake in the car 161
I lovvvvvve sleepovers … when they're at somebody else's house 168
Reasons my kid wakes me up and what I say back, sometimes out loud and sometimes in my head 173
How the F to Entertain Your Rug Rats When You Have Nothing to Do 177
Dear Sesame Street, I LOVVVVVVE you 181
It's up to you: die of boredom or die of Ebola 185
Peeew peeew peeewww and other sounds that make me want to chop my ears off 193
All in favor of feeding rat poison to Chuck E. Cheese, say aye!! 197
Gag me with a 5-Minute Spider-Man Story 204
MY Hubby is Awesome (But Not as Awesome as Me) 211
What you should REALLY F'ing look for in a husband 213
Men are from Mars, where apparently they don't make PB&Js 217
A bunch of shit my hubby does better than me 223
Et ee um a-er owls 228
When I stopped liking sex (Grandma, please don't read this chapter) 232
You didn't think I'd just write a chapter about all the shit he does right, did you? 242
Teach Your Douchenugget to be Less Douchey and More Nuggety 249
Make sure people don't like you for your bagina 252
I'd totally kick your ass if my toenails weren't still drying 256
Boy, was I wrong 262
Thinking outside the penalty box 270
One of the worst feelings in the world 276
One fish, two fish, red fish, gross fish 284
AWWW Shit, WHATTA You Mean They Grow Up?? 289
If you have a vajayjay and she has a vajayjay, you're on the same team 291
Dear lady I just saw breastfeeding at a restaurant 295
Twelve things I will always miss about being preggers 300
Just a little sumpin' sumpin' I had Zoey sign before she could read 305
The last chapter 308
Acknowledgments 310
