Drinking Games for Times you'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
By Alex Bash, Bryan Berry
St. Martin's Press Copyright © 2008 Alex Bash
All rights reserved.
Origin: Babylon, 2300 BC
Creator: God (eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not break plane of table with elbow).
Story: Originally played vertically in the Hanging Gardens; the Babylonians would use L-shaped cups to hold the beer and throw crude rocks instead of Ping-Pong balls, because Ping-Pong balls were for "Persian wusses." (Note: Far from being wusses, the Persians eventually conquered Babylon and covered it in overpriced rugs. They then pissed in their gardens whenever drunk, which proved difficult as they were in "hanging" gardens and it often ended with someone getting pee in their face. This was the precursor for the drunken prank "golden shower.")
Players: Two teams of one to five people each. Works best with two teams of two. If there are more players, just add one Ping-Pong ball for each two new members (one on each side); and six cups and two beers per new player. And a kick to the crotch for making things difficult. They'll drink themselves numb soon, anyway.
Six keg cups for each player on either team
One table ten to twenty feet long and wide enough to hold all the keg cups
Two Ping-Pong balls. (Or, two crude rocks if you're Babylonian.)
A mouth to talk unjustified shit to opponents. (Very crucial.)
Beer: Two beers for every six cups, distributed as evenly as your drunken sense of proportion will allow. No, that's not an overflowing cup, Drunk Steve. It's the dog, and you can't drink him.
Objective: Throw your Ping-Pong ball into the cups arranged artfully in pyramids in front of your opponents. If you make the ball in the cup, you must make a sexual joke regarding the entrance of the ball(s) into the cup's hole, and then your opponent must drink the beer from the cup the ball landed in. If he fails to first remove the ball, you can either (a) help out the gene pool by letting him choke on the beer-soaked Ping-Pong ball and thankfully never reproduce, or (b) steal his beer while he's choking and hand it out to girls; both are acceptable by Beer Pong doctrine. The sunken ball is then returned to you so you can add still more humiliation to your pathetic opponent's life. When all of a team's cups are gone, its members lose ... and they're drunk! Hooray!
Setup and Gameplay: The game begins with each player lining up his six keg cups in the form of a triangle (3-2-1, with the triangle pointing toward his opponents) and pouring two beers evenly among the cups. The cups must all be touching. However, if the beer-covered table floats a cup away, leave it be — the beer has spoken.
Each team starts with one ball (if there are more than two per side, just work it out evenly). Players stand next to their teammates, across the table from their opponents. Do I really need to tell you the table should be positioned lengthwise?
If a ball is thrown and not made, it's anybody's ball. There are no turns in Beer Pong! The only exceptions are if (a) somebody is injured (e.g., twisted ankle, gunshot wound, PABS [Pussy-Ass Bitch Syndrome]) and therefore can't properly fight for the ball, (b) there's way too much stuff crowding the room (tables, chairs, bodies), or (c) you're a wuss.
Very important: When you throw the ball, imagine there is an invisible plane going up at the edge of the table. No part of your body, arm, or hand can break this plane. You cannot lean over the table and throw the ball. You must stand back and throw from behind the edge of the table. If you violate this rule, your opponents can laugh at you mercilessly.
If both balls are thrown by the same team and land in the same cup, that counts as three cups. The team that threw the balls chooses which three cups the other team drinks. (Note: This rarely happens; balls are usually flying everywhere and nobody is throwing at the same time.)
If a ball is bounced by a team and goes into a cup, it counts as two cups. But if a ball is bounced, it can be swatted by the other team after the first bounce. This strategy is often used when the other team is not paying attention. It is also very effective when you're playing against people who have no hand-eye coordination. Or are blind. And deaf.
If a player interferes with a thrown ball before it hits a cup or the table, that player must remove one cup from his side as a penalty. (And drink its contents, obviously. This isn't a "removing" game, it's a drinking game.)
When a ball lands in a cup, the beer in that cup must be drunk immediately, before the player is allowed to set it down.
This is motivation to drink faster, as it's hard to fight for a ball with one hand holding a beer. If a player violates this rule, he must drink another cup as well, forcing the player to double-fist, thus making it easier to bounce against him, fight for balls, and whack him in the nuts with an inflatable prostitute doll.
Each team gets one "rerack" per game, meaning after they've made, say, eight of their opponents' twelve cups and the remaining four are all spread out, they can have them combined into a diamond.
If you are scared of germs, you can have a cup of water next to your pyramid and cleanse the ball after it has touched the floor, landed in a cup, or been in the hands of that sweaty gross dude who smells like rancid milk from your Chem 126 lab — unless you're into that kind of thing.
If one of your cups gets knocked over by a Ping-Pong ball or by a teammate's hand/arm while trying to protect it or going for balls, that cup is gone, you are one cup closer to losing, and you have wasted beer. I hope you don't need to be told what a disaster this is. So make sure you fill each cup enough. If they are almost empty, they'll get knocked over real quick.
Options: The following are various "house rules" I have stumbled across in my life of Pong; some made me appreciate the game a little more, others found me on the roof of the restaurant I worked at, taking tequila shots with my boss at four A.M. It's up to you whether these rules (or their outcome) are a good thing.
When you begin the game, one player from each team gets a Pong, looks his opponent in the eye, and shoots without breaking the stare. Whoever makes it first gets to start the game with both balls. Kind of odd, but some people do it ritualistically (Note: This is a great time to wear sunglasses or a push-up bra).
You always take turns throwing as teams, and only get the balls back if you make both of them on the same turn (since this rarely happens, I suggest one of you pelt your opponents in the face while the other bounces).
Most of the time when the last cup is gone, the game is over. Lately, though, I've noticed that people like the "rebuttal shot": if your last cup gets sunk, each player on your team has one last chance to shoot but has to make all of the other team's cups to stay alive. Good for people who work well under pressure, like contract killers (Note: The government has spies who monitor your rebuttal-shot average; 66 percent or more and they can off you without explanation).
The wild'n'wacky'n'crazy'n'wacky'n'wild setup rule! Each team can set up its cups however the hell it wants: instead of a triangle, you can do a straight line, two squares, or spell out "fuck you" or "munch on my chode" or "you will most likely not win this match, but I wish you the best of luck." You may need extra cups.
Some people are quite adamant about removing a cup after it is sunk. Generally, if you're playing with turns, don't remove it and give each other a chance to make both Pongs in one; but if you're playing free-for-all, then remove the cup before it gets sunk (if you even notice it)!
This one friend I have has this rule that says no attractive female can wear clothing. His name is Me.
Each player, if there are two of you, should cover one side of dthe table for loose balls, as opposed to both going for that one loose ball (because your opponent could then bounce the other ball in). If there are three of you, have the two outside people go after balls off the table and the middle person catch balls on the table, block bounces, and remove cups that have been sunk before a second ball lands in them.
If you can control yourself while playing free-for-all, try to get all the balls on your side for each throw so you can (a) make them both into the same cup if possible, (b) have one person throw while the other bounces, or (c) throw all the balls at once, thus confusing your opponents and gaining a better chance at getting one of the loose balls. Or, my personal favorite, pelt two balls at their faces and bounce the other. This could get dirty, especially if you replace the Ping-Pong balls with clumps of dirt.
But remember — Beer Pong is only a game. That is, unless that blond chick from Kappas is watching, and that dick from Sigma Nu is your opponent, and you have to be at the Quad in fifteen minutes dressed as one of the Village People for the Box Car Derby Race. Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Operation Imbibe & Conquer: Instead of dropping bombs during wars, we should send over massive quantities of beer, 3 million copies of this book, and pictures of Scarlett Johansson. As soon as they reach the drunken sing-along stage of intoxication we can parachute in, install democracy, and recycle the cans for war reparations. Contributions for the 2012 presidential campaign are always welcome.
Players: As many people as you can put along the length of your table. Teams must have the same number of participants. If one team has Blacked-Out Bill, maybe put two on the other to compensate. As for No-Hands Ned ... sorry, bud — go sit in the corner. No one likes a disabled drinker.
A flat table
One keg cup per person — two if you're badass
Beer: Enough to make onlookers think you're Keystone Light marketing reps
Mythical Creature of Flip Cup: The hydra (also a good team name)
Objective: Be the first team to flip all your cups over and tell the other team how much better you are at life
Basics: Teams line up on either side of the table with their cups in front of them, filled one-third of the way with delicious beer.
Pick an end of the table to be the starting end; the two players facing each other start the game.
Everybody counts down together from three to zero to make sure all are paying attention. At zero, the two starters cheer with their cups, touch them to the table, and then chug them down as fast as possible. When the starters finish, they quickly set their respective cup upright on the table halfway over the edge, and tip the part hanging off with their fingers just enough to make the cup flip over onto the table and land upside down. It doesn't matter if the cup flips a half-rotation or ten; if it lands upside down, it counts.
If the cup doesn't sit upside down, the starter must grab it (hurry!) and try again. Each player keeps going until he gets the cup to land and stay upside down on the table, then the next person in line on that team goes. The first team to get all its cups flipped wins. Initiate chest bumps and belittling of opponents.
Gentlemen, nobody knows why, but ladies love the Flip Cup.
As far as flipping technique? Put your cup down and ... flip it. If it doesn't land upside down, flip it again. That's okay. We'll wait.
A more difficult way to play this is to set the cups on the edge of the table already upside down and flip them right side up, because the upright position has a smaller surface area on which to land and balance (it's science). Also, people's shoes get covered in beer if they don't finish their whole cup. Cheaters.
Guys, be a man and always fill your cup up at least one-third of the way, if not more. Ladies, same thing. No sympathy.
For those wishing to maximize drunkenness, the game can be structured so that each team goes down and back. To do this, the last player on each side (a.k.a. the Comer Man) has to have two cups and get them both flipped before his team can start heading back to the front of the line. The Comer Man is usually the best Flip Cup player, or at least the one who is the least drunk. Also, everybody else has to have beer ready to refill his cup after he successfully lands his first one, so he has a cup to drink and flip on the way back.
If you're really trying to get loaded quickly, you can pour a shot of hard alcohol instead of beer into each cup and not let the drinker have the chaser until he's flipped his cup successfully.
The isn't called Grab Cup or Hold Cup, so there is, of course, no holding onto the cup in any way as you flip it over. You can only touch the bottom of the cup, and only for an instant, as if spanking its cute little plastic butt.
There is also, of course, no interfering with the other team's cups in any way. If an accidental cup collision occurs, don't worry about it. Neither of your cups probably landed, anyway.
If you think you're something special, try flipping the cup over with your hand behind your back, under your leg, with your tongue, or by flexing your erection. No, seriously.
For the Extremist: Just as Extreme Ironers took pressing clothes to the next level, groups of Extreme Flip Cuppers are willing to risk as much as momentary embarrassment to make the Flip Cup record books. There are legends of games that stretched across an entire football field. Some believers say that two brave men played with five-gallon buckets in the place of cups, their failed livers having to be buried miles underground to save Earth from the toxicity. If you think you have the guts and lack of regard for your physical well-being to make Flip Cup history, please, send the pictures to me at firstname.lastname@example.org along with the obit, so I can pay tribute.
HIGH, LOW, RED, BLACK
How This Game May Have Been Created: The differing limitations involved in simultaneous measurements of subatomic particles had dire implications for our choice to consciously combine the electromagnetic photons via nucleon- fibrosis due to the diffraction of the oscillation field. Thus, electrolysis conducted the osmosis of the protons' rapidly crystallizing from the outer ring of alkalinity of the appropriated doctrine of desalinization.
How This Game Was Actually Created: A bunch of dudes playing cards wanted to do something fun to get drunk and make penis jokes.
Players: Two or more
Supplies: A deck of cards
Beer: More than you previously thought you could consume
Toilet: Hey, how's it going man?
Toilet: Did you see that new brunette?
Toilet: So how about those Mariners?
Dude: Well, I believe that with some solid off-season trades, call-ups from the minors, and a reliable first-round draft pick, we could really be in contention for that pennant.
Toilet: And how's school going?
Objective: To correctly guess five times in a row if the next card turned over will be higher or lower than the previous card or, at the player's choice, if it will be red or black. Or green, if there's LSD involved.
Counting Cards: One person plays at a time while the rest egg him on to mess up so he drinks himself retarded. Anyone can be the dealer. Play starts when the dealer lays down one card.
Whoever is up guesses whether the next card turned over from the top of the deck will be higher than the previous card, lower than the previous card, or red or black.
He only gets one guess, and then the next card is laid down next to the first one. If he is correct, he keeps going until he either guesses incorrectly or correctly guesses five cards in a row.
If he correctly guesses five in a row, he does not have to drink; the turn moves on to the next person and the previous player's five correctly guessed cards are shuffled back into the deck. If he guesses incorrectly, he drinks one drink for each card on the table, not counting the first card laid down by the dealer at the beginning.
When somebody guesses incorrectly, it's the next player's turn. The game moves clockwise (to the left, you digitized idiot).
Strategy: Didn't you watch Rounders? If it's a low card, guess high. If it's a high card, guess low. If it's a medium card, guess red or black. It doesn't matter. Even when you lose, you win — because you're getting drunk!
[Variation 1:] A slightly more harsh/awesome way to play the game: if Player One guesses five cards correctly, Player Two is up like normal, but you do not remove the five cards already on the table that Player One guessed correctly. Player Two simply continues on guessing off Player One's last card, adding Player One's cards to his stack. So, if Player One guesses all five cards right, and then Player Two guesses his first card incorrectly, he drinks six. If Players One, Two, and Three all guess five cards in a row correctly (fifteen total) and then Player Four incorrectly guesses his first card, he drinks sixteen. This game can get very brutal if you are good guessers. Do not play this game with Miss Cleo or anyone else with verifiable psychic powers.
[Variation 2:] If a card is laid down and it's the same one as the card directly behind it, the current guesser drinks double. For example, let's say there are ten cards on the table, the last one being the eight of diamonds. Bob says the next card will be lower than an eight. The next card is the eight of spades. Bob drinks twenty-two (the eleven cards showing, times two). Good night, Bob!
[Variation 3:] One player must continue guessing and drinking until he gets five cards correctly in a row. So, if Player One incorrectly guesses his third card, he drinks three and starts over at the first card, and keeps guessing and drinking until he correctly guesses five in a row. This can make his drink count stack up higher than empty pizza boxes on a fraternity house floor. The unintentional record for drinks in one turn is approximately one hundred. To make the game move faster, it is okay to "owe" the drinks you've accumulated instead of drink all of them when you finally guess five in a row. (Continues...)
Excerpted from The Imbible by Alex Bash, Bryan Berry. Copyright © 2008 Alex Bash. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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