Impossible to Please: How to Deal with Perfectionist Coworkers, Controlling Spouses, and Other Incredibly Critical People

by Neil Lavender PhD, Alan A. Cavaiola PhD

Overview

Everyone knows someone who is impossible to please, critical, judgmental, picky, and stubbornly closed-minded. These are symptoms of a disorder called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), but it’s common for people to have subclinical levels of some or all of these qualities. Most of the time, it’s best to avoid the difficult to please person, but what happens when he or she is a close family member, coworker, or even a spouse? It’s still possible to maintain a positive relationship with the right tools. Impossible to Please, written by the authors of Toxic Coworkers, is a manual for dealing with these difficult people without sitting through stressful arguments, vicious insults and attacks, and passive-aggressive behavior. It empowers readers to take charge of the relationship and regain their dignity and confidence in interactions with these individuals.

This book features specific strategies that are immediately effective when conversing with critical people and explains how readers can respond to unfair blame without becoming angry or overly defensive. By setting boundaries, improving communication, and asserting themselves, readers learn to deal with the impossible to please in romantic relationships, friendships, family, and work relationships.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781608823482
Publisher:	New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:	11/01/2012
Pages:	192
Sales rank:	1,239,459
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Neil J. Lavender, PhD, is professor of psychology at Ocean County College in New Jersey where he also maintains a private practice. He is coauthor of Toxic Coworkers. Neil, who is also an avid blogger, resides in Beachwood, NJ.

Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD, is a professor and member of the graduate faculty in the department of psychological counseling at Monmouth University. He is also a licensed psychologist and clinical alcohol and drug counselor. He is also the coauthor of Toxic Coworkers.

 

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments v

Introduction 1

Part I Understanding Controlling Perfectionists

1 Controlling Perfectionism Explained 9

2 The Controlling Perfectionist as Romantic Partner, as Parent, and in the Workplace 25

3 How the Controlling Perfectionist Has Affected You 41

Part II Practical Strategies

4 Recognizing What You Can and Can't Do 55

5 Setting Limits and Boundaries 69

6 Establishing Better Communication 85

7 Handling Controlling Perfectionists in Romantic Relationships, Family Life, and Friendships 111

8 Handling Controlling Perfectionists in the Workplace 143

9 Seeking Qualified Professional Help 165

References 181

Interviews

Neil Lavender lives in Beachwood, NJ. Alan Cavaiola lives in Fair Haven, NJ.

Editorial Reviews

In this insightful offering, Lavender and Cavaiola (the duo behind 2000’s Toxic Co-workers) address the challenges of dealing with those friends, family members, and co-workers whose standards seem impossibly high. After defining the variations and subtypes of “controlling perfectionists,” the authors explore possible causes for these difficult personalities, including parental influence, anxiety, environment, and other factors. But rather than simply lambaste or dissect perfectionists, Lavendar and Cavaiola shift their focus to practical skills and strategies for dealing with these personalities, such as learning when to assert oneself and when to take a step back, as well as how to deal with outbursts, clarify one’s goals as they relate to the perfectionist, and set “better boundaries.” In a nutshell, the authors recommend “the three ‘C’s of collaborate communication,”, which are tooled to allow perfectionists a certain level of control while empowering those communicating with them. Specific tips for handling different types of perfectionists are offered, as are suggested exercises that deal with everything from assertive communication to ways to build self-worth. Mental health therapy options are also explored in this thoughtful and useful take on a common characteristic. (Nov. 1)

Publishers Weekly

"Cavaiola and Lavender have done it again! They have given us another perfect combination of psychological science and real-life applications to provide a highly readable guide to living and working with people who drive us crazy. Alive with examples and suggestions, this book is not only perfect for counselors and therapists, but also for anyone who deals with controlling perfectionists at home or on the job.”

—Richard Ponton, PhD, associate professor at Georgian Court University in Lakewood, New Jersey

“Impossible to Please is a candid, informative, and thought-provoking study of the controlling perfectionist. Lavender and Cavaiola illuminate our understanding of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder while providing suggested actions for dealing effectively with these individuals at home, at work, and in the community.”

—Suzanne D. Mudge, PhD, associate professor and program coordinator of counseling and guidance at Texas A&M University

“After being in managerial and leadership positions for over 40 years, I wish I could say that I never had to deal with a perfectionist personality. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I have had experiences with toxic coworkers and, to say the least, they were indeed troublesome. Drs. Lavender and Cavaiola’s first book, Toxic Coworkers, was of great help during these trying times. Like their other books, Impossible to Please is filled with wisdom and insights into this challenging area. I strongly recommend this most practical and applicable book.”

—Louis A. Scheidt, PE, PP, president and CEO of Innovative Engineering, Inc.

From the Publisher

The latest work by co-authors Lavendar and Cavaiola (Toxic Coworkers) not only delves into the pathology of perfectionism, but helps readers take charge of their relationships with difficult people, regaining their confidence in the process. The authors discuss a number of strategies including setting limits and boundaries, improving communication, and asserting oneself. They cover controlling perfectionists in the workplace, romantic relationships, family life, and friendships. A final chapter discusses how readers can help others dealing with this issue. Controlling behavior can be perceived as bullying, and thus needs to be addressed. This book does it well.

Library Journal

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