Marriage offers endless opportunities for laughter—and this collection of wedding and marital humor, drawn from the files of The Joyful Noiseletter, is sure to please. Scores of jokes and humorous stories, all relating to the beloved institution of marriage, are categorized into chapters and accompanied by the cartoons of talented Christian artists. In the Marry Month is the first title in a planned quarterly release of joke books—arriving in plenty of time for the summer wedding season. This hilarious collection of marital mirth is ideal for couples, pastors, anyone looking for clean, good-humored content they can trust.
|Publisher:||Barbour Publishing, Incorporated|
|Sold by:||Barnes & Noble|
|File size:||5 MB|
Read an Excerpt
In the Marry Month
The Best Wedding and Marriage Jokes and Cartoons
By Cal Samra, Rose Samra
Barbour Publishing, Inc.Copyright © 2011 The Joyful Noiseletter
All rights reserved.
IN THE BEGINNING—GOD:
Adam and Eve, Creation, a Rib, and This Holy Estate
There is nary a giraffe or chimpanzee alive today who can give an eyewitness account of that first knot-tying ceremony in the Garden of Eden.
Of course the Creator was present, and He gave us a you-are-there account in two chapters of the book of Genesis. No fashion editor attended to describe the bride's gown—but we do have all the whys and wherefores of God's mating-up humankind.
Since that time, plenty of imaginative conversations between God and the first groom have been written. Remember this one?
"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the garden. "I need to have someone around for company."
"Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent, and gracious—she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," answered God.
"That's pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
It turned out pretty well in the end.
BUT WILL IT LAST?
Rev. Mark A. Katrick, pastor of Immanuel United Church of Christ, Zanesville, Ohio, passes on this verbal blooper at a wedding:
The bride and groom had chosen Mark 10:6–9, and Pastor Katrick dutifully began to read: "But in the beginning, at the time of creation, God made them male and female. As the scripture says, a man will leave his wife and be united with his mother...."
What a good thing Adam had—when he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.
Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family!"
A little boy came home from Sunday school very excited about the lesson he had read about the creation and how Eve was taken from Adam's side. A few days later, he came home from school in a seemingly distressed mood. When his mother asked what was wrong, he replied: "My side hurts. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Nora Treece Trussville, Alabama
Eve: Do you still love me, Adam?
Adam: Who else?
WOE IS ME
Adam surely had his troubles, but it never could be said he had to bear Eve telling him of the man she might have wed.
Pastor Donald Prout West Preston, Victoria, Australia
ADAM'S VALENTINE TO EVE
Adam's Valentine to Eve did not imply a choice. The modern girls can pick and choose from many charming boys. His verse ran thus: "Dear Miss, I'm Adam. I'm all there is to make you, Madam."
Lois Grant Palches Concord, Massachusetts
TEN REASONS WHY ADAM WAS THE MOST FORTUNATE OF MEN
1. He was the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in unexpectedly.
3. There were no Joneses for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards or shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by telephone sales calls.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow.
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal?
9. There was no "standard" weight and height table.
10. When God asked, "Adam, where are you?" he replied, "The woman you gave me is reading the map."
A MISSING LEAF
A Presbyterian minister always carefully prepared his sermons word for word and placed them in a loose-leaf binder to deliver Sunday morning. One Saturday night, his son, just for fun, removed a sheet from the scripted sermon.
The following morning, the preacher was carefully reading his sermon to the congregation: "... and Adam said to Eve ..." He turned the page and discovered it was missing.
Perplexed, the minister looked at the congregation and said, "There must be a leaf missing here."
Humorist Carroll Lamb Via George Goldtrap Ormond-by-the-sea, Florida
Lois Blanchard Eades of Dickenson, Tennessee, writes "Biblimericks." Here is one she passed on to The Joyful Noiseletter:
When Eve gave the apple to Adam, They did what Jehovah forbade 'em. As might be expected, When they were detected, He said, "Don't blame me, blame the Madam."CHAPTER 2
I'M All YOURS IN BUTTONS and BOWS:
Birds and Bees, Dating, and He vs. She
When the subjects of love, dating, and gender come up, a sense of humor is of utmost importance. The first date is a particularly tender subject, as are most issues concerning our courting rituals.
A nameless young lady once poured out her heart to her mother: "It was my first date with [name withheld to protect the accused], and I had shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his other girlfriends, his driving techniques, and even the standard he uses to select a barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, 'But enough about me. Let's talk about you.' Well, I breathed a sigh of relief—then before I could open my mouth, he continued, 'What do you think about me?'"
There really are differences between male and female. And aren't we glad there are?
A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who can make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Men wake up as good looking as they were when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Any married man should forget his mistakes—there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Guess what? There are exceptions to every rule.
WHEN IT ALL STARTED
Rev. George Martin of Rosemount, Minnesota, tells this story:
"One Sunday morning, just before the recessional, I realized I didn't have my church bulletin. I needed to see the page for the closing prayer and the closing hymn number.
"I leaned over and quietly asked one of the boy acolytes for his bulletin. At first he seemed reluctant to hand me his bulletin, but then he did.
"I found the right page for the closing prayer and then the closing hymn number. As we started the recessional, I flipped the bulletin over and saw a little note.
"One of the two boy acolytes had written to the other about the third acolyte, a girl named Kristie. The note said, 'What kind of perfume does Kristie have? She sure smells good."
LOOK OUT, HERE SHE COMES!
After bishop emeritus Kenneth Povish of Lansing, Michigan, instituted at his parish a weekly litany of divine praises of God for the holiness of the saints, a young mother attended with her son, a third grader.
After church the boy asked his mother, "What is a spouse?"
"A spouse is somebody's husband or wife," the mother replied. "Why do you ask?"
"What does 'most chaste spouse' mean?" the boy asked.
"That means St. Joseph was a good, pure, and holy husband," the mother answered. "What do you think 'most chaste spouse' means?"
Rather reluctantly the boy finally replied, "Well, I think it means that all the women were after him, but Mary got him in the end."
Harriet Adams Morton, Pennsylvania
THE HE VS. SHE ELEMENT
The Wise Men were truly wise men. Unlike most men, they stopped to ask for directions.
George E. Franke Waukegan, Illinois
On the first date, most people just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Tom, age 9
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted!"
The next day she received two hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Donna Lambert Albuquerque, New Mexico
Why do brides buy their wedding gowns, and grooms rent their wedding suits?
Where love radiates its joy, there we have a feast.
John Chrysostom (407 AD)
Beware: A study shows that 35 percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
You know you're in love when you're willing to share your ATM PIN number.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
A SINGLE WOMAN'S PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep, Please don't send me any more creeps. Please just send me one good man— One without a wedding band.
After Sunday school, a little girl was telling her parents that the boys in her class were acting silly. "I hate boys!" she exclaimed.
Then, after some reflection, she added, "But I still love Jesus, even though He's a boy."
Jeff Totten Lake Charles, Louisiana
After the May funeral of one of his parishioners, ninety-four-year-old Hazel von Jeschki, Fr. John Fetterman, rector at Grace Episcopal Church in Madison, Wisconsin, noted in the church bulletin that she had left very specific written instructions for her funeral service. The woman, who had never married, wrote: "There will be no male pallbearers. They wouldn't take me out when I was alive; I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
DOGS VS. YOUR HUSBAND-TO-BE
Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Two adjacent signs seen at the top of a large bookshelf in a Christian bookstore in Decatur, Illinois:
You don't have to worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, because it will avoid you.
Patty Wooten Santa Cruz, California
WHAT THE NEW WIFE LEARNED ABOUT HER GROOM
* Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to do something, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear cost ten dollars for a three-pack.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Wedding dress—$2,000. Tuxedo rental—$75.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So ... notice anything different?" You are able to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years—maybe decades.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* Christmas shopping can be accomplished for twenty-five relatives, on December 24—in forty-five minutes.
"LIGHT UP MY LIFE"
"A happy man or woman is a radiant focus of good will, and their entrance into a room is as though another candle had been lighted."
Robert Louis Stevenson via S. E. Edwards Indianapolis, Indiana
UNLIKE THE GROOM-TO-BE
* You don't have to get up at 4 a.m. to enjoy your hobbies.
* You can get together with a friend to just talk.
* You can be creative with your hair, your clothes, your makeup ... and where you put your furniture!
* Your day is not ruined when Team X fails to deliver.
* You are aware of other food groups besides steak and potatoes. You can answer most questions with, "I just know."
* Shopping can be your main form of exercise.
* You don't have to circle the block several times before asking for directions. You get flowers, chocolates, and jewelry as gifts.
* Someone someday may say to you, "You're beautiful."
Kathleen Gardiser Mountain View, California
* Taxis stop for women.
* Women can cry and get off speeding tickets.
* Women have the ability to dress themselves.
* In any sport, women can congratulate a teammate without patting her behind. Women know when to stop and ask directions.
* If a woman forgets to shave, no one has to know.
* Women will never regret piercing their ears. Women got off the Titanic first.
Roberta Lyon Maitland, Florida
* You can wear pink and yellow together, and everyone thinks it's cool.
* No one asks you to come over and help lay a new concrete sidewalk.
Susan Taylor Salt Lake City, Utah
THE FAMILY CIRCUS
"Is it against the law to be the Valentine of two different girls?"
Moonlight and roses are bound to fade for every lover and every maid, but the bond that holds in any weather is learning how to laugh together.
Author Unknown via Norma Sims Eustis, Florida
An eighty-seven-year-old man and his eighty-two-year-old girlfriend, both in an assisted-living home, decided to get married. They went for a walk to discuss the wedding, and passed a pharmacy.
They entered, and the man told the pharmacist, "We're going to get married. Do you sell blood pressure medication?"
"Yes, indeed," the pharmacist replied.
The woman asked, "Do you also sell walkers, vitamins, Geritol, and medicine for arthritis, rheumatism, sinus infections, and gout?"
"Sure do," the pharmacist replied. "Fine," the man said. "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
HEARD THESE ANONYMOUS MARRIAGE VIEWS BEFORE?
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got tired of finishing my own sentences.
I'm excited about being married. I've never had a dental plan before.
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things: First, never wallpaper together; and second, you'll need two bathrooms, both for her.
My parents have a very good marriage; they've been together forever. They've passed their gold and silver anniversaries. The next one is rust.
SUBJECTS FOR A DATE
Billy is about to have his first date and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "Son, there are three subjects that always work. Those topics are food, family, and philosophy."
Billy picks up his date and they go to an ice-cream shop. Root beer floats are ordered and sipped, but no one says a word.
Remembering his father's advice, Billy chooses his first topic.
He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She answers, "no," and the silence continues.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, Billy thinks back to his father's suggestions and selects the second item on the list. "Do you have a brother?" he asks. Again, the answer is "no." Silence reigns once again.
Finally, in desperation, Billy plays his last card. He again thinks of his father's advice and asks, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Q: What is the penalty for bigamy?
A: You get two mothers-in-law.
Cliff Thomas Belle Fourche, South Dakota
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Emily, age 5
Excerpted from In the Marry Month by Cal Samra, Rose Samra. Copyright © 2011 The Joyful Noiseletter. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
1. In the Beginning—God: Adam and Eve, Creation, a Rib, and This Holy Estate,
2. I'm All Yours in Buttons and Bows: Birds and Bees, Dating, and He vs. She,
3. I Want to Hold Your Hand: Getting Serious, Question Popping, and "What Am I Getting Into?",
4. The Old Folks at Home: Parents, Relatives, In-Laws, and an Outlaw or Two,
5. They Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage: Marriage Advice, Counseling Stuff, and Help Wanted,
6. Here Comes the Bride, Dum, Dum, Da-Dum: Of Gowns, Tuxes, Ceremonies, Wedding Cakes, and "I Do's",
7. Home on the Range: Getting Started, Two > One, Burnt Offerings, and "Oh My Goodness!",
8. The Fight Is On: Observations, Ups and Downs, the Good, Bad, and Hmmm,
9. Jesus Loves the Little Children: The Mouths of Babes, Heads Up Kids, and "He Said What?",
10. Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: In the Long Haul, Remember When? and So On,
11. Praise God, from Whom All Blessings Flow: Generally Speaking, Marriage Observations, and Amen,