Forced to sleep on a bare mattress or worse yet, a cold floor, little Auna never had anyone to talk to, to love her, or to listen to her cries for help-except her beloved dog Murphy. Made to endure years of abuse by not only her father, but also his best friend, Auna narrates a heartbreaking story of how she somehow managed to survive through death threats, brutal rapes, and verbal humiliations to emerge from the darkness to reach peace and healing.
Auna Raunea's innocence may be gone forever, but her hope still lives on. Her courageous story will encourage victims of any kind of abuse to never give up-no matter what.
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The Innocent and the Merciless
By Auna Raunea
Trafford PublishingCopyright © 2011 Auna Raunea
All right reserved.
Chapter OneI never felt like I was human, or important to me or anyone. All I had was my special Education friends of us five girls, and our most loved teacher in the world. I would try so hard to get attention, I thought if I got noticed that they could see what my father was doing to me. My Father would get disappointed when I wasn't in bed with them in the morning. He would make threats to me if I would say I don't want to, My Father said that he makes me hot, and I feel good when it's over. If I made too much of a problem, He would tell me that I couldn't see my grandpa or grandma. But then he would tell me don't you tell grandpa or grandma our secret. I felt like it was my duty or what I was supposed to do. I ask all the time to go and play with different girls, but this man who brought beer to the bar said I wasn't good enough. He said I was a whore from a bar. I went to a school next door across the street to play with a girl, her mother said get away from my daughter you nasty little tramp. (I was 9yrs. Old ) my father would always want me to go home with him, he would say he forgot something, my mother would say don't be too long looking for it, then she would have a smug look on her face. I would cry the whole time. My father got so mad he would take me back to our pizza and bar restaurant and say get the hell out of the car. I would be sore, and red, and hurting. I wanted to die all the time. We went to the drive inn I layed down in the back of the station wagon, and my father layed back on his elbow, and had his fingers inside my panties rubbing my personal place. Then he went to the bathroom. Every morning I would be in his bed him rubbing, touching, and getting white stuff all over me. I was always told I was ugly, stupid, worthless, and nothing. I was told that I was a mistake, a brown spot on the mattress. My mother said that she had to bring into the world a retard. I was told by my father that he never loved me at all. I was a tax rite-off. That I would never amount to anything at all. My father couldn't get enough of touching me he said that it felt so good. It would hurt so much that I had a hard time sitting in school. I always had a change of clothes at the school or the school would call my mother to bring them to the school. I had bladder and kidney problems all the time. I didn't, and the doctor didn't know why my bladder and kidney's would make me go pee all the time. Sometimes without warning, my mother would yell and get so mad when she had to bring me clothes to the school. She would that she should make me wear them all day long to teach me a lesson. The kids at school heard this and from then on I got to be their target miss pee pants. It was hard enough being in special ed, and going threw what I had to live with. My teacher told my parents if you work with her she could be put in regular class room, later on, even a professor at the university said this too. My mother had to take me to the doctor, before we got there she said let me do the talking. The doctor said why is she so red in her private place ( I can't remember the big word he used ) she takes baths, the doctor said don't let her sit in the water the next time. So the next time my mother took me she told the doctor that I fell on my bike, after that my mother told the doctor she fell on a rail. My mother stop taking me to the doctor. Another doctor was ask to take my files, he saw that I hadn't been for 8 to 9 yrs. The doctor called and ask to speak to my mother, she argued with the doctor, then she said fine I will send her. My mother said you had better not say anything, my father said keep your goddamn mouth shut or you won't have a goddamn house to come back home too. I went there, and got a thing called look me all over. So I waited he came in the room and said why aren't you in a gown? I said you told me you just wanted to look at me. No I will be back, I said its okay I can just change here now, the doctor looked at me and said he will be out the door. The doctor checked me out and said to me are you washing the soap off good, I said yes I do when I take a bath. You have redness, and look very irritated. I got scared and lied, and told him that I took a bath. The doctor said okay that's why you have such irritated skin and that is why you are so red. He told me no more baths. When I got home my parents said what did you say. My father said don't you tell me a goddamn lie. I came home from the doctor and told my parents that I told the Doctor that I took baths, and he told me no more baths. My mother said you know this is your fault, you shouldn't look pretty, or wear pretty clothes if you would not resist you wouldn't get red. Your Father just wants to show you love. You seduced your father since you were two yrs. Old. We never had a family, no trust, no affection, never showed emotion, just going threw are own world each one of us. Everytime Our Father had to get us shoes he would say these goddamn kids aren't worth all this goddamn money. All I wanted was a chance at life growing up and being somebody. I was sitting on the toilet my father said that nice soft white bottom was his. My father got big in his underwear. He winked and said here hold it tight. I know if I said no he would get so mad. I was trying to make a bowel movement. When he left I finished, and saw worms in my poop, I said mother come look there is worms, she said I am not sending you to the doctor for that, they will go away by them selves. I got a bladder and kidney infections and before I pleaded with my mother that I couldn't pee my father said if she can't pee then she just might die. My father said no more of his goddamn money would be used on a goddamn retard. My father said to me go get in the goddamn car. I got a growth growing from my left eye into my right eye. I had to have an operation, my father said more goddamn money spent out of his goddamn money used on this worthless retard. Let this goddamn kid go goddamn blind. I had the operation, the doctor wanted 6 hundred dollars up front. My dad said when he was leaving he would get the goddamn 6 hundred dollars. I was at school once and fainted running the track, I fainted in the girls locker room and hit my head, the office called and told my parents to take me to the hospital to be checked. My parents put on a act until they got me in the car, and said we are not spending anymore goddamn money on you. You can fall asleep and die in your goddamn sleep. My parents tried to give me away to a neighbor so they wouldn't have to deal with me or spend anymore money. My father wanted to be alone with me all the time for sex, and his own sexual needs. My father said that your mother isn't as fresh as I was anymore. My father said he liked that tight, softed, fine hair bottom. When I got older he said I had the nicest breast he had ever saw. My father would play with my pink nipples while he had his hard thing between my legs. My father told me that it wouldn't be long and he could be inside me playing with my soft white breast, and my pink nipples. I was almost 14 yrs. Old. He didn't want to get me pregnant because he was afraid of going to jail. My father said we have to keep this quite our little secret. My mother and father told me everyone would blame me, since everyone knew my parents. No one would ever believe me anyway because your in retard room. My father said that he could kill me and they would never find my body. When I was in bed with my father my mother said lye still and it won't hurt anymore it will feel good and warm, you will like it. This friend that my father knew said to me he would and could kill me. He took me to a park and grabbed my neck real tight and unzipped his pants force his thing in my mouth and got white stuff in it and on my shirt, he told me to spit it out on the ground. He told me that I was his play toy. My father told this friend to have fun with me. Just don't get her pregnant. This friend would take me to his house as much as he could. He told me that my father told him she is soft and fresh. When I would go play in the neighborhood I didn't want to come back, but where would I sleep, eat, so I would go home. My mother would find any reason to get rid of me. My father when he would get threw he also would tell me to get lost. Until he needed more. My sister's son threw the bathroom door open and said to me that I have a hairy ass. When my sister's son was born my brother-in-law told my sister to not let me the retard around his son, because my retarded could rub off on his son. My sister told me the noise the water makes going down the drain is the drain monster, and will pull me down the drain and eat me all up. My sister said the red on pizza's is blood. I was always told that I was adopted, and they never wanted me, because I was fat, ugly, and retarded, and stupid. I was told by my father that he never wanted any of us at all, but especially my brother and I because we were in retarded school. I was always told that I was abandon, and left on the door stop like a bitch left me for them to care for. You told me that you only loved yourself in the family not me because I would never amount to anything. That they felt sorry for me and I wasn't thiers at all. I'm not important to you or anyone's life. I never felt love at all. Just their property they use when they want to, at their own discretion.
The innocence's and the merciless
I was two years old when my life began and ended. I pushed and kept any and all thoughts and memories down as deep as I could I wouldn't show emotions always on the defiance side of things. I never trusted anyone at all. I would never want to be involved. On the outside looking in. A little black boy would chase me, and my father said that he would kill that little monkey and me too, he told me he would put us in a potatoe sack and drown us. My life in a violent and hate atmosphere was a way of life, as I knew it. I would sit and wonder why god hated me so much. I wished that I was never born. My father would beat us when he wanted to, because we had to learn. My Father would back-hand us if we did or said the wrong thing, or not to his liking. He would give us a choice either the belt, houseshoe, or a fist, or his hand. Sometimes it would be for no reason. My Father would come home drunk. My Father told me that I wasn't worth the price of steak. When my Father would pick a fight with my brother My Father would beat my brother and I would have to get in-between them, and take a few punches. One time my Father punched me in the shoulder so hard I was hit so hard that I couldn't use my arm for 3 or 4 days. I never wanted to be involved because I got tired of being my Father's punching bag but I loved my brother, and it was okay by me to take some punches. My Father hit so hard it knocked me back 10 feet. One time my Father beat my brother because he had refused to do the dishes at the restaurant that my Father and Mother owned. My brother begged our Father to stop slapping him. My other brother left he couldn't watch it anymore. I would say to my Mother help she would say how could she nothing was wrong. My Mother would always get a certain look in her eyes, then she would say my little retard. I could never get love from my Mother because there wasn't any. All my Mother could see is herself and how everything affected her. Everything was a mirrow to my Mother. She was very dark inside and sick minded. My Mother wanted to paint the house inside walls to ceiling, and floors black. My Father would belittled me and made me feel as low as he could on a day-to-day schedule. All I was is a tax right off. He would always tell me that the best part of me ended up as a stain on the bed sheets, and the rest rolled down my Mother's ass-crack. My Father told me that my Mother didn't give birth to me she shit me out of her ass. This is what my Father would say to me that he should put me in a potatoe sack tie it and throw it in the river he would say this all the time. He would always threaten to kill my dog Murphy so he could see me cry, because I spend more time with Murphy then my Father and Mother to have love. My dog Murphy was my friend, companion, and my best friend, he always understood, me and my pain, I loved him so much. Growing up I never had a chance I never had anyone to talk to to love me, or listen to my cries for help but Murphy. The first time my Father did bad things to me was putting his hands, fingers, and his penis on and against my bottom, and on my personal place. I will never find love or be happy, I will always be in the shadow to try to be unnoticed. I am a empty shell always dead. My sister and brother in law hogged tied me and left me in a dark room for two and half hours with wet and soiled clothes. I yelled until one of the renters found me and untied me. He went down staires and told what he found, my Father and Mother put on a convincing act so he would be conned into believing they both were concerned. My Father touching me and putting his fingers inside went on none stop. My Father and his best friend enjoyed me day in and day out, non stop with touching, fingering me putting me down on my knees to have me open my mouth to both of them, and having me bend over the couch to sodmize me when they wanted, cussing me when it was my time of the month. My Father's best friend told me that he could kill me and get away with it because he was not scared I was always told this. I grew up with loose sheets and maybe one or two covers, or sleep on a bare mattress. I had a bladder problems and I wet the bed all the time. I was made to sleep on the floor and cover up with the clean clothes on the floor. I would ask for a half of a sandwich because I got use to eating less. I never could eat a whole sandwich, that was too much. My Father said to me you are going to eat a whole sandwich or I will shove it down your throat. My Father did just that I could not breathe and I was choking, I vomited up everything I just ate. My Father said that he should beat the dog shit out of me. My Mother made me watch a puppy choke to death on a chicken bone, that still haunts me to this day. I wanted to leave but my Mother would tell me of all the bad people in the world, and I was safe living there, nothing was wrong being with your Father and I. Sometimes I would have tears but not as much anymore. I got good to never listening to what I was told, because I learn to close my ears, this became a normal life to me. I wanted out so much, but I didn't know how. Then I would bring home animals to give them bread, milk, and eggs to eat on their long trip to find love. I wanted a new family, so I thought that I would go to a lawyer with fifty dollars and hire him, to find me a new family, I thought that fifty doallrs was like having a million dollars in my hand back then. I thought that it was the same as writing to santa, would find me a new family.
Excerpted from The Innocent and the Merciless by Auna Raunea Copyright © 2011 by Auna Raunea. Excerpted by permission.
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