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Parenting can be such an overwhelming job that it’s easy to lose track of where you stand on some of the more controversial subjects at the playground (What if my kid likes to rough house—isn’t this ok as long as no one gets hurt? And what if my kid just doesn’t feel like sharing?). In this inspiring and enlightening book, Heather Shumaker describes her quest to nail down “the rules” to raising smart, sensitive, and self-sufficient kids. Drawing on her own experiences as the mother of two small children, as well as on the work of child psychologists, pediatricians, educators and so on, in this book Shumaker gets to the heart of the matter on a host of important questions. Hint: many of the rules aren’t what you think they are!
The “rules” in this book focus on the toddler and preschool years—an important time for laying the foundation for competent and compassionate older kids and then adults. Here are a few of the rules:
• It’s OK if it’s not hurting people or property
• Bombs, guns and bad guys allowed.
• Boys can wear tutus.
• Pictures don’t have to be pretty.
• Paint off the paper!
• Sex ed starts in preschool
• Kids don’t have to say “Sorry.”
• Love your kid’s lies.
IT’S OK NOT TO SHARE is an essential resource for any parent hoping to avoid PLAYDATEGATE (i.e. your child’s behavior in a social interaction with another child clearly doesn’t meet with another parent’s approval)!
|Publisher:||Penguin Publishing Group|
|Product dimensions:||6.10(w) x 8.84(h) x 1.04(d)|
|Age Range:||18 Years|
About the Author
Heather Shumaker is a journalist whose writing has appeared in Parenting, Pregnancy, Organic Gardening, and other publications. A frequent speaker on parenting topics and an advocate for free, unstructured play in homes and schools, she has a special passion for nonprofits; before turning to writing full-time, she worked for The Nature Conservancy, Audubon Society, Hudson River Sloop Clearwater, and many others. She holds an MS degree from the Institute for Environmental Studies at University of Wisconsin-Madison, and a BA from Swarthmore College. Heather makes her home in northern Michigan, with her husband, three chickens, and two children.
Table of Contents
Section I Reviving Free Play
Rule 1 Don't Steal Play 9
Rule 2 It's OK if it's Not Hurting People or Property 23
Rule 3 Kids Need Conflict 36
Section II Wild Emotions
Rule 4 All Feelings are OK. All Behavior isn't 61
Rule 5 Let Kids Hit and Kick 72
Rule 6 "I Hate You!" is Nothing Personal 83
Rule 7 Take Dictation from Your Tot 94
Rule 8 Go Ahead: Let Him Hate the Baby! 105
Section III Sharing people and Toys
Rule 9 It's OK Not to Share 115
Rule 10 Let Her Hog That Toy All Day! 131
Rule 11 We're Not All Friends Here 140
Rule 12 You Can't Play = A-OK 155
Rule 13 Hang Up a "No Girls" Sign 173
Rule 14 Take Rejection in Stride 185
Section IV Running Room: Kids, Power and Action
Rule 15 Ban Chairs-Not Tag 195
Rule 16 Give Kids Power 205
Rule 17 Only Punch Friends 218
Rule 18 Bombs, Guns and Bad Guys Allowed 234
Rule 19 Boys Can Wear Tutus 254
Section V Creativity, Persistence and Empty Praise
Rule 20 Pictures Don't Have to Be Pretty 269
Rule 21 Paint off the Paper 278
Rule 22 Stop Saying "Good Job!" 286
Section VI Bad words, Polite Words and Lies
Rule 23 Kids Don't Have to Say "Sorry" 297
Rule 24 Let Your Kid Swear 306
Rule 25 Love Your Kid's Lies 316
Section VII Sensitive Subjects
Rule 26 Sex Ed Starts in Preschool 329
Rule 27 Be Buddies with Dead Birds 342
Section III Renegade Rules in the Real World
Rule 28 Make Some Enemies at the Playground 357
Rule 29 Goof Up 368
What People are Saying About This
"Rarely do parenting books trigger in me an exhale. But the title alone for Heather Shumaker’s new book came like that rare August breeze." –The Washington Post "On Parenting"
"An insightful, sensible and compassionate book full of downright revolutionary ideas." –Salon.com
"Brilliant. . . . It's OK Not to Share is an enlightening book that will make you take a second look at everything you believe." –Parents.com
"Did you read the title and think, what the heck? Me, too. Not only did I read it to figure out the title, I underlined about a third–it's that good." –Melissa Taylor, ImaginationSoup.net
"What an amazing book! [Shumaker] challenge[s] the parenting myths and fallacies that our society has embraced for so long." –Provider Resource Organization
"A breath of fresh air" –Jane Pratt, founder of xoJane.com
"These 'renegade rules' will resonate with what you know to be true, speak to what you want most for your children, and teach you how to achieve it. Don't let this one slip off your reading list." –Dr. Becky Bailey, author of Conscious Discipline and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
"This beautifully written book. . . provides immediate, sanity-saving answers to tough parenting questions. I highly recommend it." –Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son
"From 'Bombs, Guns, and Bad Guys Allowed' to '"I Hate You!" Is Nothing Personal,' the table of contents alone is music to my ears. Heather Shumaker is a healthy mom I can relate to–and I'll bet you will too, when you hear out her logic." –Paula Spencer Scott, author of Momfidence!
"A refreshing change from the usual admonitions. . . Shumaker's Renegade Rules are based on what children really need." –Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting
"Shumaker beautifully shows us why letting kids be kids may be the single most important thing we can do as parents." –Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing
"A must-read for parents and teachers. This is a book you will want with you all the time." –Daniel Hodgins, author of Boys: Changing the Classroom, Not the Child
"A no-nonsense commonsense appraoch. . . As you read this book, you will begin to feel the stress of parenting melt away." –Vivian Kirkfield, PositiveParentalParticipation.com
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
I loved reading It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids. It's useful, humorous, and insightful! Heather Shumaker set a goal for parents to let children be children, to encourage and support their social play, to help children learn to be problem solvers, negotiators, explorers or their world. She has given young parents ways to help kids gain and use power effectively and appropriately. Mostly she has taught us all to respect the child's developing mind, spirit and body. Heather's engaging book is written in an accessible format with what to say and not to say. She has many methods for dealing with difficult child rearing issues using solid child development research as her support.
This unconventional book will instigate controversy, or at least raise some eyebrows, but it really makes sense. Just one example: As adults, we aren't expected to hand over something we have just because another adult wants it, and we'd certainly object if someone forced us to do so. Why do we require children to "share" what they have? Is that really teaching them constructive behavior, or are we inadvertently creating problems? On that issue and many others, Heather Shumaker offers alternative methods of supporting young children's social and emotional development. Some "rules" are more unusual than others, but all are clearly explained and supported with research. She includes tips on how to implement the strategies, what to say and not say (some surprises here), and how to respond to adults who question these methods. Heather Shumaker's writing style is engaging and easy to read, and the book is well organized. Parents and caregivers of toddlers and preschoolers will find this book tremendously useful and helpful in dealing with the challenges of raising young children.
Ive worked in childcare for 7 years and plan to do a natural Christian preschool from home. I would make this required reading for parents and caregivers. It gives realistic expectations for young children that make sense. It is controversial, but in a very good way...like Jesus was. :)
This book is filled with many great ideas. It will give you the confidence and the tools to raise your young children the way you want, by letting them be themselves and doing the things they're able to do, within the boundaries you set. Love it!