Jewish Wisdom for Growing Older: Finding Your Grit and Grace Beyond Midlife

by Dayle A. Friedman MSW, MA, BCC

Overview

Growing Older Can Be a Time of Growing in Depth and Wisdom

"My sense is that the whole journey beyond midlife is a mysterious blend of light and dark, wholeness and fragility…. We have a chance beyond midlife to become the person we were truly meant to be. We can draw on everything we have experienced so far to contribute to the people around us and the wider world, and to find strength and resilience amid the challenges."
—from the Introduction

Whether you are fifty-five or seventy-five, approaching retirement or age one hundred, growing older brings remarkable opportunities but often also wrenching difficulties. Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, a pioneer in reinventing and revaluing aging, mines ancient Jewish wisdom for values, tools and precedents to frame new callings and beginnings, shifting family roles, and experiences of illness and death.

For seekers of all faiths, for individuals and groups, for personal use and caregiving settings, Rabbi Friedman offers inspiration and guidance to help you make greater meaning and flourish amid the daunting challenges of aging.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781580238199
Publisher:	Turner Publishing Company
Publication date:	03/13/2015
Pages:	176
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, MSW, MA, BCC, is a pioneer in forging a fresh vision for the second half of life. She is a spiritual leader, social innovator, scholar, author of Jewish Visions for Aging: A Professional Guide to Fostering Wholeness and editor of Jewish Pastoral Care: A Practical Handbook from Traditional and Contemporary Sources. She founded and directed Hiddur: The Center for Aging and Judaism of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College. Rabbi Friedman offers training, consulting and spiritual guidance through Growing Older (www.growingolder.co), her Philadelphia-based national practice.

Rabbi Friedman is available to speak to your group or at your event. For more information, please contact us at [phone] or [e-mail].

Table of Contents

Introduction
Births Out of Brokenness: Growing Whole as We Grow Older

Part I
Facing Shatterings as We Grow Older
1. Seeking Wisdom: Transcending Destructive Ageism
2. One Big Hole: Confronting the Broken Heart
3. The Ultimate Shattering: Embracing Our Mortality
4. Finding Wholeness as Our Bodies Break Down
5. Wandering in the Wilderness: Caring for Our Fragile Dear Ones
6. Making Sense of Dementia's Brokenness

Part II
Searching for the Sparks: Beginning Again (and Again)
7. Softening to Reality: Finding Sweetness amid Suffering
8. A Time to Heal: Liberation through Forgiveness
9. Declaring Interdependence
10. Making Wise Choices about Medical Care at the Edge of Life
11. New Ways of Loving: Growing Up as We and Our Parents Age
12. Traveling Lighter: Winnowing "Stuff "
13. A Sanctuary in Time: Spending Our Precious Time Mindfully

Part III
Basking in the Light: Honing and Sharing Wisdom
14. Answering the Call: Saying "Here I Am" (Hineini)
15. Drawing from the Well: Developing a Blessing Practice

Afterword
Acknowledgments
Appendix
Using This Book: A Guide for Book Groups and Wisdom Circles
Notes
For Further Learning

Editorial Reviews

"[This] is much more than a book that provides practical guidance and insights.... It is also a work of rare understanding, sensitivity, patience and kindness on the limitations of the human condition that will reward old and young alike."
—Rabbi David Ellenson, chancellor emeritus, Hebrew Union College–Jewish Institute of Religion

"[A] straightforward, clear-eyed, genuinely helpful guide for growing older.... Reading it is a pleasure and the message it delivers is potent medicine with a sweet aftertaste."
—Sylvia Boorstein, author, Happiness Is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life

“A spiritual gem, filled with wisdom, a complex blend of realism and hopefulness. I know I will read this book again—perhaps many times—and will share it with people I love.”
—Rabbi Amy Eilberg, author, From Enemy to Friend: Jewish Wisdom and the Pursuit of Peace

“Fearless and truthful…. [It] looks without flinching at grief and all the 'shatterings' of later life yet … finds joy and a realistic hope…. This is a book to reach for whenever you want inspiration, whenever you seek to live each day as it comes. Don't miss this book.”
—Harry R. Moody, retired vice president, AARP; visiting professor, Creative Longevity and Wisdom Program, Fielding Graduate University

“How enlightening and compassionate this book is! This is the kind of wisdom we need in any religion, in any culture and in any age of life.”
—Fr. Richard Rohr, OFM, Center for Action and Contemplation, Albuquerque, New Mexico

“A great gift.... Gives us hope that we can have happiness and well-being almost independently of what’s happening with our bodies. Thank you, Rabbi Friedman, from someone who is well beyond midlife!”
—Daniel Gottlieb, PhD, psychologist and family therapist; host, Voices in the Family WHYY FM; author, The Wisdom We’re Born With: Restoring Our Faith in Ourselves

“Rabbi Friedman writes with remarkable tenderness and uncommon empathy about the gifts, challenges and epiphanies of aging…. Her book doesn’t just offer blessings, it is itself a blessing.”
—Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author, Getting Over Getting Older and Single Jewish Male Seeking Soulmate

“Important.... With wisdom, openness and curiosity, Rabbi Friedman illuminates a way for each of us to chart our own paths as we grow older.”
—Rabbi Deborah Waxman, PhD, president, Reconstructionist Rabbinical College and Jewish Reconstructionist Communities

From the Publisher

Dayle A. Friedman, an accomplished Reconstructionist Rabbi, has written a practical self-help book intended for the use of any middle-age person from any religion. Indeed, although the base of her outlook is Jewish, and her reliable sources are the Jewish Torah and all the commentaries, the mainaspect of this manual is its humanity.

The book includes three main parts: Facing shatterings as we grow older, Beginning again (and again); Honing and sharing wisdom. Each chapter presents stories of the Rabbi's personal acquaintances,teachings from the Jewish tradition and spiritual practice to explore and to use on the way of GrowingWhole, as one grows older. A sustaining blessing, by the rabbi, concludes each chapter.

Rabbi Friedman offers an appendix for using her book as a guide for book groups and wisdom circles.Notes appear at the end, as well as a list for further learning. There is no index. Jewish Wisdom for GrowingOlder provides a comforting tool while growing old. Rabbi Friedman also shares her website. This bookshould be part of any synagogue libraries, senior centers, hospices, public libraries and personal use.
Nira Wolfe, Highland Park, IL

Association of Jewish Libraries Reviews - Nira Wolfe

In her new book, Jewish Wisdom for Growing Older: Finding Your Grit & Grace Beyond Midlife, 58-year-old Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman takes what she has learned through the years about aging and spirituality and ties it up neatly into a 151-page gift.

Her tips range from strategies for welcoming signs of aging (look in a mirror and focus on one manifestation, then approach it with affection) to finding physical wholeness (notice both discomfort in any part of the body and what does not hurt—then savor and give thanks for that absence of pain).

Friedman said her passion for helping others has been a lifelong one.

"I had always wanted to work with elders, since I was 18," she told the Journal in a phone interview from a hotel in Louisville, Ky., where she led two wisdom circles at the Spiritual Directors International conference. “I wanted to be a rabbi from the time I was 7.”

Friedman spent 3 1/2 years writing Jewish Wisdom, released in March by Jewish Lights Publishing, but the information is a culmination that spans the course of her 30-year journey as a rabbi, including her experience as founder and director of Hiddur: The Center for Aging and Judaism at Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, which closed in 2011.

“This is 30 years of labor that I'm harvesting in this book,” she said. “I have spent my entire career focused on aging and Judaism and spirituality. I started working with elders as the rabbi at [the former] Philadelphia Geriatric Center. I had 1,100 Jewish elder congregants in [a] nursing home/independent living hospital. When I left that position, I felt that there was so much that I had learned that I wanted to be able to share.”

The book, which has online multimedia components at growingolder.co, is divided into three parts. Beginning with “Facing Shatterings as We Grow Older,” it deals with such topics as loss of loved ones, diseases such as dementia that can arise with age and fears about one's own death. This is followed by “Searching for the Sparks: Beginning Again (and Again),” about subjects such as facing reality, forgiveness, medical care and finding purpose in each day. Finally, Friedman writes about “Basking in the Light: Honing and Sharing Wisdom,” which includes advice on how to give to others, and how to create and say blessings with the intent of becoming more spiritual in one’s daily life.

At the end of each chapter, Friedman includes a real-world practice of what the chapter conveys, which can be incorporated into one’s daily life.

“These are spiritual practices that might offer an opportunity to develop the tools for facing the challenges and opportunities of various themes and dimensions of aging,” Friedman said. “Each one has instructions for something to try out, whether it’s a gratitude practice in the context of dealing with loss or it’s a forgiveness practice or it’s a practice about beginning to reflect on the things that we’ve acquired and which of them we feel comfortable with holding onto, and which things we feel that we can let go of, and the meaning of those things in our lives.”

Writing the book was not without its challenges, Friedman said.

“Part of the challenge of writing this book was to write about things that are frightening, that people are scared of,” she said. “Some of the chapters were hard to write, but I think they are very important: Talk about what happens when our bodies begin to fail, talk about confronting mortality and coping with dementia. Those are precious to me, because I feel that investigating those realities is so important.”

It was also important for her to share what she’s seen about the possibilities for nobility and growth that arise in later life.

“I came up with the image of the shattering of the vessels, which is the kabbalistic creation story, which suggests that everything we have was born out of brokenness, and that our human task is to locate the sparks of life that have been dispersed in the world,” she said. “We have a lot of shatterings beyond midlife, and they are unavoidable. You don’t get out of this life without facing loss. You don’t get out of this life without experiencing some kind of physical limitations. You certainly don’t get out of this life, if you live long enough, without facing change. But on the other hand, there is the possibility of finding the light and the spark. I feel that our Jewish wisdom and our spiritual practices help us to do that.”

Friedman grew up in Denver and went on to receive a master’s degree in Jewish communal service from Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion (HUC-JIR) and a master’s of social work degree from USC. She was ordained by HUC-JIR in 1985. She currently lives in Philadelphia with her husband of 18 years and has three children.

Rabbi David Ellenson, chancellor emeritus and retired president of HUC-JIR and a baby boomer born in 1947, said his generation will be looking for her sort of guidance as it attempts to make its later years rich and meaningful.

“I think that this book addresses a concern that more and more Jews in our community will confront in this decade and the next couple of decades to come,” said Ellenson, who is also a visiting professor at New York University and Brandeis University. “It used to be that at 65, one looked at probably the final six, seven, eight years of one’s life, but now we have a community, both Jewishly and nationwide, where people anticipate living into their 80s and perhaps 90s.”

Friedman said she wants people to realize that growing older doesn’t have to mean that life ends.

“I hope readers will face growing older with openness and curiosity and not with dread,” she said. “And that they will see the possibility of growing deeper and wiser as they grow older. And that they will gain some tools and perspective when the going gets tough.”

Jewish Journal - Leilani Peltz

Growing older is a challenge, especially for those of us who live in a youth-oriented culture. As this book points out, as we age, we face losses: losing a job, losing loved ones, facing health challenges, and the realities of financial crises. What we often fail to do as we grow older is to take stock of the experience and wisdom that the years we have lived enable us to give to others in turn. By the same token, younger generations often fail to take advantage of the opportunities to learn from the wisdom of the older generation. Rabbi Friedman fills her book with her own learnings from a career working with aging adults. This book is infused with a spiritual approach to looking at aging, whether the reader is an older adult or a practitioner whose work includes working with aging adults. Throughout the book, the author suggests creative exercises and practices to help us to appreciate this stage in the human life journey. She writes with great sensitivity and insight. Highly recommended for anyone 55 and up and for professionals whose work brings them into contact with older adults. Appendix, notes, suggested further readings.

Jewish Book Council - Arnold D. Samlan

In her Introduction, Rabbi Friedman writes: "My sense is that the whole journey beyond midlife is a mysterious blend of light and dark, wholeness and fragility…. We have a chance beyond midlife to become the person we were truly meant to be. We can draw on everything we have experienced so far to contribute to the people around us and the wider world, and to find strength and resilience amid the challenges."

Whether you are fifty-five or seventy-five, approaching retirement or age one hundred, growing older brings remarkable opportunities but often also wrenching difficulties. Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, a pioneer in reinventing and revaluing aging, mines ancient Jewish wisdom for values, tools and precedents to frame new callings and beginnings, shifting family roles, and experiences of illness and death.

For seekers of all faiths, for individuals and groups, for personal use and caregiving settings, Rabbi Friedman offers inspiration and guidance to help you make greater meaning and flourish amid the daunting challenges of aging.

Rabbi Friedman enriches her book with examples from her own life, having lost her father, a sister, and other close relatives. She brings examples from her work as a chaplain at the Philadelphia Geriatric Center, and at Brith Sholom House.

Jewish Media Review - Rabbi Dov Peretz Elkins

Synopsis: Whether you are fifty-five or seventy-five, approaching retirement or age one hundred, growing older brings remarkable opportunities but often also wrenching difficulties. Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, a pioneer in reinventing and revaluing aging, mines ancient Jewish wisdom for values, tools and precedents to frame new callings and beginnings, shifting family roles and experiences of illness and death. For seekers of all faiths, for individuals and groups, for personal use and caregiving settings, Rabbi Friedman offers inspiration and guidance to help you make greater meaning and flourish amid the daunting challenges of aging.

Critique: Exceptionally well written, organized and presented, Jewish Wisdom For Growing Older is as inspired and inspiring as it is thoughtful and thought-provoking. Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman (who founded and directed Hiddur: The Center for Aging and Judaism of the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College at Wyncote, Pennsylvania) focuses on the changes and challenges associated with the aging process; how the incursion of loss and limits can be transformed into new beginnings; and 'the ways people hone and share wisdom by living fully and generously'. Strongly recommended for senior citizen center, synagogue and community library collections, it should be noted for personal reading lists that Jewish Wisdom For Growing Older is also available in a Kindle edition ($10.49).

Midwest Book Review