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Kick the Jerk out of Your LifeDon't let anyone fool you again!
By Liz Aimeé Hernández
Trafford PublishingCopyright © 2012 Liz Aimeé Hernández
All right reserved.
Chapter OneWhat is a Jerk?
When I came up with the idea to write this book, I knew exactly all the things that I disliked about my former partners. I was angry and hurt to acknowledge that someone to whom I had given all the best of me, did not value that action. These guys had fooled me and given me only crumbs of their love and time, while I had gone out of my way to make them happy. I asked myself again and again what had I done wrong and why this had happened to me. There were so many words to describe them, and yet I could not find the perfect one for the title of this book. I wanted to describe all their "qualities" in just one word, but, what word would that be? I thought I would never find it. I searched and searched ... and finally, I found the perfect word: "Jerk".
Jerk is a short word, and it even seems insignificant, but it is very accurate; it's the perfect word! The dictionary defines the word jerk as uncouth and ordinary. Maybe you're thinking, "So? That tells me nothing!" But if you continue searching, you will find out that the dictionary gives some synonyms for jerk: disloyal (acting without loyalty, love, faithfulness or honor.) Treacherous, with unpredictable reactions, more damaging than they seem. It describes a jerk as a scoundrel, rogue or rascal, who commits illegal acts to his advantage. It adds that a jerk is vile and despicable, and has bad habits. Evil, wicked, cunning, shrewd and difficult to govern. And the dictionary keeps saying: vile, one who does not or poorly corresponds to the confidence placed in him. He is perverse, intentionally causing damage; one who corrupts customs and the standard order of things. But above all, according to the dictionary, a jerk is a rogue, a low-life, a person of despicable and evil dealings. Perverted, of habits or sexual orientations that are considered socially disruptive and immoral. Irrational, without reason. Wild, foolish, stubborn and rude. Jerk also means vulgar, uneducated, beastly, ignorant, stupid, hard to take or annoying. Reckless, stubborn in what he does or says. A big talker, impertinent and bothersome to those who listen, who by negligence or malice tells everything he sees and hears; a braggart, bully and a liar. Unworthy, that is, below the quality and merit of someone. Rough, without doctrine or teaching. Vile, having no honor. Bummer, that talks a lot without substance, indiscreet, trickster. Villain, discourteous and rude, and many more; if I keep going this would be endless, because the word "jerk" has so many meanings and synonyms, that this book would not be enough to cover each of them. On the other hand, the dictionary does not mention that jerks are loving, discreet, loyal, faithful, honest, trustworthy and respectful men and, you know why? Because these are their antonyms, in other words, opposites of what jerks are. So, if they have so many negative features, why didn't we realize sooner what a jerk they were? This is the question that we all ask ourselves when we break up with a jerk.
The answer is that jerks do not show their tricks a priori, because behind their appearance of perfection there is a strategy to benefit from us. Their goal is to increase their emotional, physical, financial or professional status, even as they hide their failure in their previous romantic relationships. They also play pretend to get someone to take care of them, to serve them, and incredibly, to hide their sexual preferences, their cunning and their tricks. There are many types of benefits they can obtain by keeping up appearances. Because there are different types of jerks, the benefits they are looking for will vary, and I will show you later the different cases.
No matter what the motives of the jerks are, that does not give them the right to use us. This is why Kick the Jerk out of Your Life will serve you as a guide to identify them, kick them out of your life and stop them from using you again. So go ahead: Learn to kick the jerk out of your life ... forever!
Chapter TwoThe characteristics of jerks
In order to prevent something from hurting us we first need to know exactly what we are facing, as in the case of toxic substances. Toxic substances are around us, everywhere, in our home, at work, in entertainment places, etc. There are different types of toxic substances, with different brands, prices and uses, however all are extremely dangerous, so we get directions at work and other places that tell us how dangerous it is to come in contact with them. Guidelines are given for getting to know them, their characteristics, how to distinguish them, know their effects; also, how to counteract any adverse effects if we come in contact with them and how to recover in case we are intoxicated.
It's the same with jerks: They are toxic, they contaminate us, they alter our system, they poison our minds and souls. They deteriorate and greatly endanger our emotional, physical and mental health; they can even cause our death. This is why we need to know about their characteristics, in order to spot them, identify them and turn away from them. If we are already intoxicated by them, we must learn how to detoxify and not make the same mistake again.
You will be surprised to learn of the many characteristics they have!
Characteristic # 1: As straight out of heaven!
Has it happened to you that when you decide you should give some time to yourself, get away from love and think in you alone, a jerk appears from who knows where? His stance, his talk and his business card are all there to impress you. He arrives, makes his appearance. You have never seen him, you did not plan to even meet him, but he arrives. Perhaps he is not your type, but you're alone and you do not like to feel that way. Perhaps you are still hurt from a past experience and want to prove to yourself that you are not the problem, that you deserve another chance. You convince yourself that you deserve to be happy. Of course, he tries to impress you all at once. He tries to draw your attention to what he is or can do with his current position, or where he works, with his car or his business card. You start to go out; he takes you to elegant restaurants or to parties with people he considers important.
It's all perfect, all at once, and you believe it. He makes you think he's all cool and emotionally, sentimentally, and physically fine. You are happy, you're impressed, and you see not even one flaw in the way he is. He is sweet and caring, he finds you beautiful, he accepts you as you are, he proclaims himself to be faithful and sincere, he gets in touch with you often, he invites you to places, he introduces you to his friends and everything goes on smoothly. Just perfect.
The issue is that you are his target, his immediate goal, and he is the "macho." He has to impress you in order to demonstrate his "manhood." He will "attack" you with everything he has. He will draw his best cards and place his best bets. You know he is not perfect and may not be your type, but he seems to be a good catch and makes you think he has everything you need. Our failure is to forget to pay attention to detail and be more skeptical. If you do not allow your emotions to control you, you will notice that his conversations are loaded with information that you don't need. It sounds like a broken record which repeats everything over and over; a hollow speech that has been practiced before with someone else. However, at that moment you don't notice it; you must have been so overwhelmed with so much of his posture and presence, with so much blah, blah, blah!!!
The jerk shows you so many attributes at once that he makes you think you're talking to a real man. Although you know that nobody is perfect, he makes every effort to show you he is perfect for you and becomes a handful of virtues. Now, you think, "There is no reason in the world why I cannot be happy with someone like him, there is no way I can be wrong this time." "He has all the qualities to become my great love, my prince charming." "What could go wrong with a man like this one?" You keep on dreaming. Ha! This is just the beginning, because this boaster in front of you is just trying to fool you and fill your head with ideas that not even he believes, in order to obtain what he wants without getting emotionally involved and then disappear from your life. This is his purpose. Beware! If you have decided to give yourself some time, do it. It is better to take things slowly. It's when we rush things, when problems begin.
We have to know well who comes to us and what their intentions are before opening our hearts to a relationship that will open a new wound.
Characteristic #2: Full of himself!
It is not difficult to know that someone who tries to convince you at once of all his "qualities" is absolutely and completely full of himself. Most, if not all of his conversations, are full of his experiences: What he believes, what he wants, what he does not like—him, him, him, him, and him. He is the artist of a near perfect monologue, and when you think you can add something to the conversation, he evades it or decides he doesn't want to keep talking. He is so full of himself that you know more information about him than he knows about you. Of course, you only know the things that are in his own interest to tell you; you will not know the most important ones, at least for now. "But he is so communicative!" you think. Everything will be fine, perfect, as long as we talk about subjects that he likes and make him feel good; subjects that do not affect his image, of course. He does not show much interest in your stuff, the things you like, your family or friends. He easily forgets what you've just said or what you said about five minutes ago. However, it is absolutely forbidden that you do that the same to him. You cannot stop listening to or showing interest in what he's talking about, or you will be seen as an inconsiderate fool or an insensitive woman, unworthy of his heart and his efforts to communicate effectively.
He knows almost nothing about you, is focused on himself, and if he knows something it's because you've told him multiple times, not because he has been really interested in finding out about it. Sometimes when you're talking he abruptly interrupts you and does not bother to apologize. But this is not acceptable when he is talking to you, because then you will be the one he cannot tell about his issues because "you never listen."
He does not know about important parts of your life. He ignores dates and events that are significant and important for you, and you may even find that he can't even spell or pronounce your full name. He does not even remember your birthday, but on the other hand you even know the size of the socks he wears.
However, he stills appears as a gentle, talkative individual and shows you his best attributes. You're just starting to go out with him, so he is still keeping appearances in front of you, for he doesn't want his prey—that means you—to run away. But if you are alert, self-centeredness is one of the first characteristics you will notice in a jerk.
Only the one who first loves himself without selfishness or lies will be able to truly love you.
Characteristic # 3: The central axis of the "relationship!"
It's not enough to have been approached and saturated from the beginning with all his "qualities", achievements, sacrifices, his ability to overcome difficult situations and obstacles, blah, blah, blah ...
Even when we're dating or sharing more everyday with the jerks, their tendency is to talk about them, them, them and only them. If you look closely you'll notice that even your behavior is starting to change.
Most likely, at first you listened to him eagerly, with a lot of interest, and you tried to get into the conversation by commenting or sharing ideas. But after a while you start getting tired of the monologue. Being a jerk, he listens to you for a brief moment, and then he interrupts you to say, "Stop, I have not finished," or, "But listen to me, listen to me," which soon will make you feel uncomfortable.
What the jerk does not notice is that for over an hour and a half you have been doing just that—listening. Supposedly they do not like to talk a lot ... no, it's true, they do not talk much, if ever, of things that involve both of you, but they do talk a lot about themselves.
They can talk for hours about what they have accomplished, what they deserve, how they are admired at work, how well they solve difficult problems and how others praise them for their "qualities." Jerks proclaim themselves, through their behavior, as the central axis of the relationship. They do not talk objectively about themselves. They don't bring up issues relating to what, as a couple, you both want or can achieve together, because in their minds there are not two, but only one: him.
"We" is not a word that exists in their vocabulary. They annihilate our interests gradually and feel superior to us, who are their partners. He will never be the lucky one to have you by his side. You are the lucky one because he has noticed you, having so many beautiful women "dying" for him.
He and all around him will be better than you. Of course he does not make that clear to you at first because he knows you will send him far away in a few minutes. Jerks show their apparent superiority when they label you as dumb or look at you strangely because you don't know what prosciutto is or because you have not visited a place he frequents with his club of jerks, or perhaps because you cut the meat the wrong way. His apparent superiority is one of the first characteristics you'll notice in a jerk. There is only him: First him, second him, and third and all other possible positions will be occupied by his ego.
Love only him who has room to love you with all his being.
Characteristic # 4: "I'm dying to be with you ... I just can't help to like you so much!"
As always, you are "the most beautiful," "the sexiest," "super smart," "sensual," "sweet," "my everything," "what I had always dreamed about", and of course, "I'm dying to be with you!" The part they do not tell you is that all this lasts only until you turn around. The same words he says to you are said to many others. You will be the most beautiful, the most gorgeous, sexiest and perfect until he has achieved his goal: getting you into bed.
A jerk feels the urge to have some kind of physical contact with you even when you feel that you should give yourself some time because you have not known him for long. You have hardly been out a couple of times and you start to feel his urge to have "something" with you. Of course by the time this is happening he has already made you believe that: "You are so beautiful that I cannot control myself," "You have so many qualities that I cannot refrain myself," "I go crazy when I'm with you," "Nobody has ever made me feel like this before," and many other things that are not lies, because you really are super special, but are truths they use to fool us and leave us dazed and love-drunk. They make us believe that only they notice and that no other jerk can see these qualities in us. Obviously you are hurt, lacking love and probably haven't received this kind of praise for a long time. You think he is the only one who thinks this way, that no one else had noticed so many qualities in you. He repeats the same thing over and over again. He gets you up to the clouds, all with the goal in mind: To take you to bed. Perhaps the jerk is in those days when their "own hand treatment" is not enough!
Jerks are addicted to sex, but they don't want to have it with their partners all the time. They like chasing thrills; they like the adrenaline that comes with seductions and the discovering of "new" bodies. They love the feeling that comes from lust and the excitement of the forbidden and, of course, the sensation of feeling a "macho" when they lie to us.
Jerks give themselves enough excuses to have sex on first dates without remorse, while we feel terribly sorry for the slip. We do not want them to think that we are easy. He'll swear that he will never judge you as easy, that is, until you get out of his bed. He is not going to tell his new "sweetheart" that she is an "easy girl" because that would "take the candy away from him" before the wrapper is even off. Now, after several dates,—and listen well—expect the question: "Have you done the same in your first dates with other guys? I hope not, because men can get a bad impression of you, you know!"
Excerpted from Kick the Jerk out of Your Life by Liz Aimeé Hernández Copyright © 2012 by Liz Aimeé Hernández. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
ContentsYou have not defeated me!....................xix
Chapter 1: What is a Jerk?....................1
Chapter 2: The characteristics of jerks....................7
Chapter 3: Why do jerks hurt us?....................243
Chapter 4: Kick him!....................267
Chapter 5: How to heal when a jerk has hurt us....................275