Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth

by Kinky Friedman

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Overview

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth by Kinky Friedman

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide that will be loved by native Texans and the rest of us poor devils alike. Even if you don't know the difference between an Aggie and an armadillo -- or what's really in the back of Willie Nelson's tour bus -- you can pass for a Texan with the Kinkster's expert coaching. So grab your hairspray and the keys to the Cadillac and get reading!

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780060935351
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 04/01/2003
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 224
Sales rank: 500,043
Product dimensions: 5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Kinky Friedman is an author, musician, defender of strays, cigar smoker, and the governor of the heart of Texas.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say

  • I think that song needs more French horn.

  • Is that tuna dolphin-safe?

  • The tires on that truck are too big.

  • There's no place in my home for obscenity!

  • I believe the proper word is "African-American."

  • I'll have the decaf latte, please.

  • William Robert, you appall me.

  • This red wine has a rather cheeky bouquet.

  • I've got two cases of Perrier for the Super Bowl.

  • Fried pig rinds are disgusting.

  • You're watching football? Change the channel — Oprah is on!

  • Will you go ahead with a home birth if the baby arrives in Paris?

  • Duct tape won't fix that.

  • Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

  • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

  • We don't keep firearms in this house.

  • You can't feed that to the dog.

  • I thought Graceland was tacky.

  • No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.

  • Wrestling is not real.

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette. Copyright © by Kinky Friedman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgmentsxiii
A Big Howdy from Kinky the Friendly Cowboyxv
Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say1
Big Hair for Jesus2
Legend of the Texas Bluebonnet5
Redneck, Good OI' Boy, or Oilman: Which Kind of Texan Are You?7
Hometown Heroes10
Guide to Texas Etiquette13
How Big Is Texas?23
Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians24
Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm"27
All Politics Is Yokel29
Advice to Anyone Moving to Texas33
Famous Texans Not from Texas37
Seen on Texas Bumper Stickers39
How Texas Got Its Lone Star40
Always Hold the Door for a Lady Sheriff41
Rich Texas Oilmen48
Texas A&M Football and the Twelfth Man Tradition49
Written Test for Police50
Eddie Childs50
A Riddle51
You Know You're in Texas When ...52
Texas Talk53
The Train Track Children55
Coming of Age in Texas57
More Hometown Heroes61
How to Spot a Texan Abroad62
Armadillo Fast Fact File65
Prisoner-of-War Camps in Texas67
Digging the Roots of Texas Music69
Strange Texas Laws84
Final Meal Requests by Texas Death Row Inmates86
Texas Murderers88
May All Your Juries Be Well-Hung91
Texas Is the Only State112
Tall Tales113
Famous Texans with Mutant Genitalia114
History of Dr Pepper114
Aggie Jokes117
Little-Known Facts About the Alamo and Her Defenders119
The Alamo: John Wayne's Classic Movie121
After the Alamo122
The Texas Chicken Ranch122
Strange Sports Mascots in Texas124
The Back of the Bus127
Everybody Is Somebody in Luckenbach136
The Texas Celebrity High School Football Hall of Fame137
Chili, the State Dish138
Texas Weather140
Shoshone the Magic Pony143
The Yellow Rose of Texas147
Teneha, Timpson, Bobo, and Blair148
The Congress Avenue Bridge Bats148
The Most Famous Texas Horned Toad150
Chuck Wagon Cooking151
Drawing from Experience155
Outlaws in Texas169
Rough Riders171
Wanted: The Real Urban Cowboy173
Still More Hometown Heroes189
Dan Blocker190
The Cowboy Cook's Prayer190
God's Own Cowboys193

Customer Reviews

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Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth 3.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 11 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love Kinky. He has a way of seeing things in a way I wouldn't have thought of. He' very interesting and a hoot. And he's and animal lover. Keep the laughs coming, Kinky.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Awful. I thought I read one of his books in the early 90's and liked it, so I got this one when it was on sale. Honestly, it just seemed like a crazy mean spirited mess.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Uneven sums it up
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Funny read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Some of the phrases ive never heard of unless its coming from a 70 year old! Like turd loater or whatever. We just say its raininglike any other NoRMal person. But really funny if youre looking for entertainment and not accuracy
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book accuratly paints a picture of us Texans, even for those of you who are not priviledged to be Texans its a funny book
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Houston is like living in Mexico or Central America from the most proper way to the most inappropriate way.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book was very funny!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book isn't under 2.99! Its 9.99