The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

by Emerson Eggerichs


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780849948077
Publisher: Nelson, Thomas, Inc.
Publication date: 10/11/2009
Pages: 355
Sales rank: 83,417
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Emerson Eggerichs, PhD, is an internationally known communication expert and author of the New York Times bestseller Love & Respect. Just as Dr. Eggerichs transformed millions of marital relationships with a biblical understanding of love and respect, he also turned these principles to one of the most important relationships of all in Mother & Son: The Respect Effect. As a communication expert, Emerson has also spoken to groups such as the NFL, NBA, PGA, US Navy SEALs and members of Congress. He was the senior pastor of Trinity Church in East Lansing, Michigan for almost twenty years. Emerson holds a PhD in child and family ecology from Michigan State University, a BA in Biblical Studies from Wheaton College, an MA in communications from Wheaton College Graduate School, and an MDiv from the University of Dubuque Theological Seminary. He and his wife Sarah have been married since 1973 and have three adult children.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments viii

Preface ix

To Get the Most from This Book xi

Introduction: Is Communication Really the Key to Marriage? 1

Part I A Book Within a Book

1 A Short Course on Love and Respect 11

Part II Three Vital Truths for Better Communication

2 In Marriage, the Mouth Matters 37

3 Not Wrong, Just Different 54

4 Can You Trust Your Spouse's Goodwill? (Can Your Spouse Trust Yours?) 70

Part III The Crazy Cycle: A Relentless Enemy of Marital Communication

5 Decode-and Stop the Crazy Cycle 89

6 "Ouch! You're Stepping on My Air Hose!" 102

7 Forgiveness: The Ultimate Strategy for Halting the Crazy Cycle 118

Part IV The Energizing Cycle: To Better Communicate, Meet Your Spouse's Needs

8 Enjoy Win-Win Communication on the Energizing Cycle 137

9 Decode-and Then Use C-H-A-I-R-S to Energize Him 161

10 Decode-and Then Use C-O-U-P-L-E to Energize Her 180

11 Dealing with the Everyday Challenge 197

12 More Strategies for Dealing with Communication Glitches 211

Part V The Rewarded Cycle: The Unconditional Dimension of Communication

13 Why the Rewarded Cycle Is for Every Marriage-Hot, Cold, or Lukewarm 229

14 The Jesus Way of Talking-Part I

Communicating with Love and Respect 249

15 The Jesus Way of Talking-Part II

To Love and Respect, Use Truthful, Uplifting, and Forgiving Words 265

16 The Jesus Way of Talking-Part III

To Love or Respect: Be Thankful, Scriptural-and Faithful 288

Conclusion: In God Always Trust 309

Endnotes 320

Appendix A How to Get Off a Chronic Crazy Cycle Caused by Low-Grade Resentment 327

Appendix B Forgiving-But Also Confronting-the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, Addiction 338

Appendix C Howto Write a Love Note or Make a Good "I Love You" Speech to Your Wife 341

Appendix D Using Feedback to Clarify Your Conversations 346

Appendix E Unconditional Love and Respect Do Not Operate on a Scale of 1-10 351

Appendix F My Prayer in This Time of Trial 354

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The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 33 reviews.
Michelle-Lovato More than 1 year ago
No one has to tell me I don't speak the same language as my husband. Most of the time in my marriage I talk and my husband ignores me. Well, ignore no more my maddening mate. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has arrived to save our marriage. In his book, The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate, Eggerichs explains that women listen to the language of love and men listen to the language of respect. Coded messages? No wonder Mr. Man and I don't communicate. Actually, I found this book extremely intriguing. According to Eggerichs three cycles that marriages can enter - the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle or the Rewarded Cycle. Each cycle offers a different aspect of the marital relationship. The Crazy Cycle is when a wife who feels unloved acts in a disrespectful way to her husband - thus causing numerous and unmentionable marital issues. The Energizing Cycle is when couples when they are practicing love and respect principals and the Reward Cycle is when a couple is working in the Energizing Cycle to improve their marriage communication but one spouse has let down his/her responsibilities and God blesses them anyway. My take? Not completely sure. After reading this book I went through a relationship for dummies class that was based on these concepts and found it to be extremely helpful. However, without the on-board support of both spouses in a marital relationship, don't see a way it will work. My husband is a wonderful man who just deals with life in his own way and he wouldn't be caught dead trying to follow these ideas. He thinks they're silly girl things. I have to face the fact that he doesn't relate to this kind of thing - and he swears he's a Bible-believing Christian. So go figure. I recommend this book for couples who are both interested in pursuing these marriage tools and for one spouse who wants to show mentorship and love - or respect - to his/her spouse. But, like everything else. It's no real answer. I'm pretty sure the actual, real answer lies between the pages of the one book that has been a perennial best seller since it was published: The Bible. I know lots of people own them. I wonder if they read them.
Marian_Perera More than 1 year ago
Back in the '90s, I read a few books on the Christian view of marriage. I requested Emerson Eggerichs' "The Language of Love and Respect" from Thomas Nelson to see if it offered any new advice, and also because - according to the blurb - it dealt with communication between couples. I'd hoped for something a little more egalitarian than books published a decade or two ago. Unfortunately, the problems with this book are twofold. Firstly, the theme is a repackage of the "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" idea, except the author presents it as "men are blue, women are pink". While there are differences between men and women - in general - I'm not sure that these always apply, and what the genders have in common is just as important as what's different. Maybe even more so. The references to "your pink wife" and "Pinkie" also struck me as somewhat patronizing. Then again, this book is subtly misogynistic, which is my second concern. For instance, on page 145, wives are cautioned against behaving in a "masculine" manner. Are husbands told not to be "feminine"? No, they're warned about being "effeminate". This book takes it for granted that men are providers, such that their wives should respect and thank them for it. On the other hand, when women work outside the home, this is a pass-the-time deal; they don't need to discuss their jobs or be praised for anything they accomplish in this field. Here are some "energizing remarks" that the book suggests women can make to their husbands: "You've made it possible for me to be a full-time mom. Let's set aside some time tonight just for us. I want to hear about what's happening at work." In an economic recession where both spouses may well need to work, this seems belittling to me. Though it's not as bad as the advice on sex. "Regardless of how a husband communicates his need for sex, the best approach is for a wife to realize that his need for sexuality is usually one of his strongest and she should try to meet that need even if she doesn't feel like it." Perhaps she can lie back and think of England. What about the rest of the book? It can be summed up in a lot fewer than 355 pages - men, love your wives unconditionally, and women, respect your husbands unconditionally. And what if your spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't deserve such unwavering devotion? If your spouse is an addict or promiscuous or beats your children? Love or respect them unconditionally anyway, because you'll be rewarded in heaven for it. The same blanket solution applies to the vast, vast spectrum of marital problems. Because of this, I think this book would work well for a small segment of Christian couples - those who share the author's views and who don't have any serious problems in their marriages. For everyone else, I wouldn't recommend it.
Noelle-JumpinBeans More than 1 year ago
As a book reviewer, I had the chance to review The Language of Love and Respect. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt as though this was a book for a class, not one to be read at home. I will try reading it again once I have more time to devote to it... and I will purchase the workbook to see if it makes it any easier.
MeghanMcKeone More than 1 year ago
As a young woman I have read my fair share of relationship books, whether they be about dating, marriage or the guy/girl dynamics and in most of these types of books they have outlined the different needs a man and woman has. Men want respect. Women want love. Easier said than done. Because I have heard this model before I was interested in how this author would portray the dynamic in this book, being titled itself, "The Language of Love & Respect." The author uses Ephesians 5:33 to help the reader understand a marriage relationship. This was refreshing to me because as a Christian woman I use God's Word as final authority, so seeing this dynamic in the Bible was key for me. This book not only uses the Bible to show what a godly marriage should look like, but it also gives practical tools. Not all of these will come in handy at this point in my life as I'm not married yet, but I believe it would be of great use to those who are married. The only drawback is I felt that the book was a bit wordy and at times repetitive, so I wish the author would have cleaned up his ideas and made it more succint, but the content of the book is great. I would recommend this to readers who are married or are close to that stage in their life. Understanding the importance of communication and how to center a marriage around God's Word is key to success.
MikeG More than 1 year ago
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, The Language of Love & Respect, is nothing short of mini-multi-marriage counseling sessions packaged in 350 pages. While the acrostics and steps and cycles were slightly cumbersome to wade through, the book was quite thorough in addressing what many consider the most challenging issue couples face - communication. Eggerichs bases his material on three cycles - The Crazy Cycle in which "without love she reacts and without respect he reacts," The Energizing Cycle in which "his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love," and The Rewarded Cycle in which "his love regardless of her respect and her respect regardless of his live." To show their love, husbands are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E which stands for: closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, and esteem. Wives, on the other hand, are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S which stands for: conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship, and sexuality. The bulk of the book unpacks these two acronyms. I also found several sub-principles very helpful. These include: The issue is seldom the issue. Unconditional really means unconditional. Assume the best about your spouse. Husbands and wives are really different. What comes out of your mouth matters a lot. All-in-all, couples who are patient and persistent to work through these 350 pages will surely find more than enough insights to challenge and help elevate their communication with one another. But as with anything worthwhile, the hard part will be putting these principles into practice.
deusvitae on LibraryThing 27 days ago
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33 ESV).This verse is the basis for the Love and Respect system as promoted by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. His Love and Respect book, DVD series, and seminars have become very popular and have been a great benefit to many couples throughout the country. The fundamental principle that women need love and men need respect and that each should give what the other needs unconditionally has great value in a marriage.But how, exactly, can a man communicate love and a wife communicate respect? This is the subject of The Language of Love & Respect: Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.This book was previously published as Cracking the Communication Code but has now been helpfully re-titled in order to better demonstrate its alignment with the core love and respect principles presented in the original Love and Respect.The Language of Love and Respect can be seen as the "intermediate" or "advanced" level of the Love and Respect concept. The fundamental concepts of Love and Respect are presented in the first part of the book-- women need love, men need respect, they should not step on each other's air hose, men see the world and hear the world as men and women as women, "blue" and "pink," not wrong, just different, and the three cycles: the crazy cycle, the energized cycle, and the rewarded cycle. This recap is beneficial, but the reader would benefit from a thorough study of the original book on Love and Respect.The Language of Love and Respect then returns to each of the three cycles-- the crazy cycle, the energized cycle, and the rewarded cycle-- and expands on the concepts presented. The reader is introduced to the process by which Emerson came to his conclusions. More examples of the difficulties and how to get beyond them are presented. The reader will more likely than not find him or herself within many of those situations and thus can benefit from considering them.The focus on the "crazy" cycle is how to decode the message the spouse is presenting-- how to get behind the argued issue to understand the underlying difficulty. In the "energized" cycle, the focus is on how to apply COUPLE and CHAIRS, the means by which to energize women and men, respectively, and how to clarify communication before the "craziness" begins.For the crazy and energized cycles there is just an expansion of the concepts already presented in Love and Respect, and such is valuable. More is presented with the rewarded cycle, focusing on the "Jesus way of talking," using principles in Ephesians 4-5 regarding speaking in ways that are consistent with Jesus-- words of truth, encouragement, forgiveness, thankfulness, and Scripture.The Language of Love and Respect, therefore, is the ideal next step after one has considered Love and Respect-- finding ways to put the principles into practice in everyday communication. The Language of Love and Respect emphasizes not only the Biblical principles that lead to better marriage but places its own emphasis on how, in the end, it's not about the marriage as much as it is about God in Christ. We must "be Jesus" in our marital relationships, relationships with children, parents, employers, employees, friends, etc.Eggerichs is an Evangelical and apologizes in the book for total depravity and "once saved, always saved"; nevertheless, these do not really affect the concepts and principles in this book.Everyone who is in a marriage relationship or intends to be in a marriage relationship at some point will benefit from the Love and Respect material, and The Language of Love & Respect is a welcome addition to that material. This is a must read for both husbands and wives!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I think this book This book almost degraded women and called them feminist. Was looking for a book to help with communication. Not to tell me I'm (pink) and too emotional. Not helpful.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Any modern, free thinking woman will see right through this book. EVERYONE should be loved & EVERYONE should be respected. It's not a gender specific thing. Period. Skip this book & I wish I could have my money back.
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AmySnyder More than 1 year ago
This is a great book. We have all been there. We have arguments and disagreements with our spouses. This book helps you to realize what could be the causes that actually start the disagreements. Have you ever been in an argument and half-way through the argument, you already forgot what started the argument? It is at that point in time that you question, "how did we get here"? This book tries to offer ways to mend certain problem areas. But what I like most about it is that it talks about unconditional love. Honestly, if we would allow ourselves to have unconditional love, we could conquer anything, right? I think this is a wonderful book and we all could learn a little something from it.
J_Calkins More than 1 year ago
I have finally finished reading The Language of Love and Respect, by Dr. Emereson Eggerichs,a book that has been sitting on my shelf for quite a while waiting to be read. My initial thoughts were hesitant as I was wondering how this was going to be any different than "Love and Respect". I was pleasently surprised, though. This book goes into greater detail in explaining the concepts of Love and Language. Love and Language did a great job explaning the differences in the way a male versus a female, and vice versa, need to be cared for in a marriage. The Language of Love and Respect helped explain in a more thorough way what that looks like and how to put it into practice through more than actions, but also through words! It was also a great reminder of the concepts that I had read in the first book. Often times I will read a book, it will help me grow and become a better person, but soon after I move on to another book I forget what I had read and quit putting those things into practice. So it was a great reminder of what I had learned, and also a great aid in figuring out ways to better implement those ideas and continue using them!
Gillian69 More than 1 year ago
The Language of Love & Respect, Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a must read for anyone in a relationship or someone struggling in their marriage. Its a great book and takes an in depth look at how men and women communicate differently. Because men and women are wired differently couples often blow up when they don't exactly understand what is being communicated. By the end of the book you will come to understand that every couple faces the problem of communicating and you will learn how to decode the languages they speak. Dr Emerson does this with an emphasis on biblical principles. Dr Emerson uses simple language to make his advice clear, he does it in such a way that you will learn how to speak to your spouse without disrespecting them. What I like very much about this book is that it gives you practical ways of communicating with your mate. We have all been at been at the place where we have been misunderstood, so if you are struggling in your marriage right now and looking for ways to improve it then this is the book for you, it is practical and inspiring. Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their <> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 <> : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."
Time4mommy More than 1 year ago
I received this book as a gift. Maybe it was the crazy holiday season at my house but it took me FOREVER to get through this book and I can usually read a book this size in a day or two. It just couldn't hold my attention and at times I thought it was repeating itself. Over all I give this book a "B+" because it really does offer a lot of great advice! I thought that I wouldn't get anything out of this book because I do have a good marriage, but we all know marriage in general isn't always bliss. For me it helped explain communication which at times is a hindrance in my marriage - believe it or not, it's on my side not his! Proper communication is key. No matter how great your marriage is I feel you will get something out of this book (just skim through the parts that repeat itself). I wish someone would have given it to me as a newly wed. It would have saved me a lot of trial and error, especially early in my marriage. The book states men need respect and women need love. How very very true!
middletree More than 1 year ago
Eggerichs' latest is a follow-up to Love and Respect, the 2004 blockbuster which details the needs and responsibilities that husbands and wives have for each other. The new book narrows the focus on one aspect of this dynamic: communication. Honestly, I had a hard time staying interested my first time through this book. Not because it wasn't interesting, but because I had heard it all before in the book which inspired it. But the more I consider it, the more I have come to appreciate the new one. While Eggerich goes into more detail about concepts he taught about the first time around, that isn't the real benefit of this new book. The best reason for this new book's existence is the vast number of follow-ups and stories sent in from readers. It allows the reader, and the author, to see the results of the Love and Respect principles when they are practiced in real life. Extra-large kudos to Eggerich for including the letters from those for whom these principles didn't work out so well. Such honesty, and willingness to take another look at what was said in the first book, is refreshing. If you didn't read the first book, I would recommend you go straight to this one. The essential points of Love and Respect are in the new one. For all readers who are married or hope to be, I recommend The Language of Love and Respect.
Sandra43 More than 1 year ago
Miscommunication can be detrimental in a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, if not addressed. Often-times, we're oblivious to the fact that men and women speak different love languages. We know we are wired different but choose to believe that marriage can work if we have other things in common. Yet, how can a marriage survive, or even thrive, without proper communication? In this book we learn that men speak the language of respect while women the language of love and when we are not in sync with one another, we can get caught up in the Crazy Cycle - one of three cycles explained in this book. We want to avoid the Crazy Cycle at all costs but the author warns that there is no avoiding this cycle completely. We will find ourselves in this cycle at one point or another and when we do, we can halt this vicious cycle by learning the C-H-A-I-R-S and C-O-U-P-L-E techniques that will guide you to understand your spouse' language. The final cycle taught is the Rewarded Cycle, the cycle all about grace. Grace given to an undeserving spouse who is not receptive to techniques learned in the second cycle. It was interesting to see myself and my husband in these cycles and how so much grief in our relationship could have been avoided if we only knew how to clearly communicate with one another. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and learning the techniques in this book and can already see positive results when implemented. (Memeber of the Thomas Nelson Book Review Blogger program @
Richele More than 1 year ago
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the best-selling book, Love and Respect. This book is about implementing the lessons learned from the Love and Respect. However, it is not necessary for you to purchase the first book to read in order to understand or appreciate The Language of Love and Respect. Aimed at "cracking the communication code with your mate", this book delivers as promised. Dr. Eggerichs wrote this book because of the huge response to Love and Respect. So many couples were impacted in a positive way from that book along with many workshops Dr. Eggerichs and his wife lead all over the country. The Language of Love and Respect is a response to many who asked how to implement the valuable lessons learned in Love and Respect. Personally, I did not read Love and Respect. Thankfully, Dr. Eggerichs gives a "crash course" of Love and Respect in the first chapter. This book explains how to communicate in a positive way with your spouse while explaining how miscommunications can occur. Guided by scripture, this book provides a light that many couples will use as a beacon for their communication. Normally, I am not a gal to pick up a self-help book, especially on marriage. I have always felt secure of the status of my marriage and felt I needed no help in this area. I never would have thought of myself as a wife who speaks disrespectfully to her husband. I respect my husband greatly and would never dream of cutting him down. Honestly, I looked to this book as a way to minister to others. So, are you sensing a "but" somewhere here? Well, you would be correct. This book opened my eyes! Yes, I have a strong marriage. Yet, no marriage is perfect. In fact, this book helped me see how little acts of disrespect and unloving behavior were turning their ugly heads into even my marriage. I could not be more thankful for a book that I have read, save the bible. I saw myself in many of the women portrayed in the book. I thought, "I say that but never thought I was being disrespectful!" I spoke to my husband and learned that he agreed we have a solid marriage but also agreed that I did fall into the disrespectful category at times. We also concluded that he sometimes fell into the unloving category at times. Neither one of use wanted this to be the case and decided to work toward a marriage based on love and respect. Does "work at" sound exhausting or is that just me? What does that mean anyway? Well, for me it only meant my intent on showing only respect should match my words. Once I learned how he perceived some of the words I used, it was surprisingly easy to avoid such wording. This may sound like a cheesy commercial, but the same day that I changed my communication, I saw changes in him. During a very stressful day, instead of being the old me which would include lashing out, I remained calm and respectful. I decided to calmly ask my husband for assistance. You know what? What I was going to request from him, he was already doing! He made an effort to make my day less stressful without any word from me. I have seen changes in our communication (that I never thought was needed) in a positive way in just a few days. I encourage all couples regardless of where their marriage stands to read this book. (book provided by Thomas Nelson for purpose of review)
robin_porter More than 1 year ago
The Language of Love & Respect by Dr. Ererson Eggerichs I thought The Language of Love & Respect was a great book and I highly recommend everyone who is married or who is thinking of getting married to read this. Dr. Emerson does an excellent job of explaining what the Crazy Cycle is and how to get off of it. How to get to the Energizing Cycle and how to get to the Reward Cycle. At some point all marriages will be on one of these cycles! This book is like a step by step guide to get you started communicating with your spouse in ways that shows the wife unconditional love and in ways that shows the husband unconditional respect! Dr. Emerson also offers helpful hints on what to do if things are not going in the direction you thought they would. I really like how Dr. Emerson puts real-life examples throughout the book and parts of letters or emails that others have sent. The language of unconditional respect was new to me and very eye-opening. Dr. Emerson shows through this book how the marriage relationship is really about our relationship with Christ! I learned so much from this book and I highly recommend it to anyone! I a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger program: