Lemon Meringue Facade

Lemon Meringue Facade

by Ted Lange

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Overview

Lemon Meringue Facade by Ted Lange

Bite into a piece of lemon meringue pie and what do you taste? Is it tart or is it sweet? Lemon Meringue Façade, a comedy by Ted Lange, takes you through this tongue tingling taste test. Do blondes really have more fun? No longer will only their hairdressers know for sure - as these blondes from the nineties bake up a delightful pie full of laughs for you to digest. Squeeze the juice out of four lemons - Susan, the writer, Annie, the athlete, Phyllis, the actress, and Linda, the mom-to-be-at-any second, and you have the main ingredients of a riotous filling. Add Laura, an upper crust Pasadena housewife, and a dash of Robert, the loving father-to-be, and you start to taste the tart and the sweet. The recipe just needs a pinch of Richard, the secret ingredient, and the façade is whipped to stiff peaks of humor and fun. Their candid and witty conversations give you a taste of the world of a blonde. They're not white bread, they're Lemon Meringue!

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781490743806
Publisher: Trafford Publishing
Publication date: 10/14/2014
Pages: 186
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.43(d)

Read an Excerpt

Lemon Meringue Façade


By TED LANGE

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2014 Ted Lange
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4907-4380-6


CHAPTER 1

ACT I


The play opens in a Pasadena master bedroom. It is beautifully decorated and the walls are lemon yellow. Stage right is a double bed. The headboard is a bookcase filled with books, magazines, and knick knacks. At the foot of the bed is a small settee. On the down stage left wall is a closet. There is a full length mirror on one of the doors. Up center are the bedroom doors - a beautiful double door set. Stage left is the master bathroom. Down stage left is a make-up table full of cosmetics. Stage center is a bedroom chair and table. On the left stage wall is a bookshelf with a C.D. player and the Beach Boys', "California Girls" is playing.

The bedroom doors open and Laura, Linda's mom, enters. She is a class act: elegant, sophisticated, and coifed. She is blonde and dressed for a party. She is holding a tray with empty glasses and a bottle of ginger ale. Laura goes to the C.D. player and turns off the music. The sound of a woman moaning can be heard.

LINDA

Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Laura pours a glass of ginger ale. The bathroom door opens and Linda, a blonde pregnant woman enters. She continues to moan.

LINDA

OOOOOOOOOOOOOh!

She has a wet wash cloth. She wipes her mouth, holds her stomach. She obviously has thrown up. She sits on the bed and takes deep breaths. Laura hands her the glass of ginger ale.

LAURA

Here, try this.

LINDA

What is it? Hemlock?

LAURA

No, silly, its ginger ale. It'll settle your stomach.

LINDA

Don't you have any arsenic?

LAURA

Having a baby sweetheart is not that complicated. Wait and see – you'll be surprised how easy the delivery will go.

LINDA

I'm not going to make it to the delivery. I'm too old for this sort of thing. Mother you have my permission to kill Robert if I don't make it.

LAURA

Robert is a caring, loving husband. I wish your father had been as attentive to me when I had you.

LINDA

Robert is an uncircumcised twit. I'm never making love to him again.

LAURA

Oh, don't say that, dear.

LINDA

I'm serious, he can screw a hairy marsupial for all I care. He's not touching me again. Ever. In this lifetime. Or the next. God damn men. They get to have all the fun. They come first. Knock you up. And watch as you try and push seven pounds through a five inch opening.

LAURA

He loves you dear.

LINDA

Well, I'm going to be a bitch for at least three months after this.

LAURA

Yes, dear. How do I look?

LINDA

You look fine Mother.

LAURA

How's my smile?

LINDA

Perfect. Oh! Mother, could you do me a favor?


Laura starts to exit.

LAURA

Certainly sweet heart.

LELSIE

Get me Jack Kervorkian on the phone. I want to get on his waiting list.


Laura exits.

Linda sips her ginger ale. She doesn't like the taste. She goes to the walk in closet and pulls out a small plastic cooler. There is a bottle of champagne in the cooler. She goes into the bathroom with the bottle and pops the cork. She dumps the ginger ale and is now pouring champagne into the glass as she re-enters the bedroom. She sips it. There is a knock at the door and it opens. Susan enters. She is a strawberry blonde. Susan is dressed in Levi's, cowboy shirt, and cowboy boots. She looks like she has trail dust on her. Over her arm is a clothing bag containing a dress to change into and a small make-up bag. In her hand is a wrapped gift.

SUSAN

Hey, Lin, how ya feelin'?

LINDA

Like I swallowed a bowling ball and I can't wait to take the world's largest shit.

SUSAN

How many weeks left?

LINDA

Three. Want some champagne?

SUSAN

Thanks. I don't think you can drink alcohol while you're pregnant.

LINDA

I am only going to sip a little. It's the first drink I've had in months. I'm tired of carrying this kid, I can't wait to have a good solid drink.

SUSAN

Don't worry, once you get past this, you can do anything.

LINDA

The only thing I want to do is torture Robert. Preferably with a cucumber up his ass.

SUSAN

And this too shall pass. Who knows you may even want a second kid.

LINDA

If this isn't twins, it isn't going to happen.


Susan goes to the closet and hangs up the dress bag.

SUSAN

Here's a present for the kid.

LINDA

Thanks. So how was your day? You look like Dale Evans in search of Roy Rogers.

SUSAN

I did a little work at the ranch this morning before driving down.

LINDA

How's my favorite horse?

SUSAN

Starbuck? Very temperamental.

LINDA

I can't wait to be able to ride again.

SUSAN

You know the stable door's always open. So what have you got planned?

LINDA

Oh, I found a couple of games that might be fun.

SUSAN

Does it involve Pilates?

LINDA

I want to put name tags on the backs of everyone. Each name has a kid related theme. Either from a fairy tale, or Sesame street, or King Arthur, and we can give the person hints. But they have to guess who they are.

SUSAN

Who would I be?

LINDA

That's easy - Joan of Arc. But now that I've given you that information, I'll have to kill you.

SUSAN

Before I go, tell me who you would be.

LINDA

Rapunsel. Stuck in a fucking tower, with no visible means of escape.

SUSAN

Who would Annie be?

LINDA

Whenever I think of Annie I think of Sleeping Beauty and heaven help us when she wakes up.

SUSAN

What about Phyllis?

LINDA

Oh, I think I'll make her the Cookie Monster.

SUSAN

I want to play the ribbon hat game.

LINDA

Which one is that?

SUSAN

We take the ribbons from all the gifts, put them on a paper plate and you have to wear the plate as a hat.

LINDA

Oh, thanks Susan. Why don't I put the name tag Bozo on my back - that way I'll be consistent.

SUSAN

Well, think about it. I need to take a shower, and wash this Santa Barbara dust off me.

LINDA

Help yourself.

SUSAN

Where's Robert?

LINDA

Oh, he's somewhere downstairs.

SUSAN

Is he staying for the games?

LINDA

Not unless he can use his putter.


There's a knock on the door. Annie enters. She is in a tennis outfit. She carries a clothes bag and a wrapped gift.

ANNIE

Hi, Linda. The freeway is a mess out there. Hello Susan. You're not dressed yet either.

SUSAN

Oh, I can see we had the same idea.

LINDA

Were you playing or coaching?

ANNIE

Oh, I gave a couple of lessons. Cash money. Hard to pass up.

SUSAN

Little Orphan Annie. You catch your breath and I'll just duck into here.


Susan goes into the bathroom.

ANNIE

Save me some hot water.

LINDA

I thought you were going to take pictures.

ANNIE

I am.


She goes out into the hall and brings in her camera bag.

ANNIE

So, you're almost there. A few more weeks and you'll be holding him in your arms.

LINDA

Yeah, I can hardly wait. I'll get to actually hold him, look in his eyes, and know that I finally did it. On the other hand I'll also be dealing with shitty diapers, midnight breast feeding, and fat flabby skin. Oh joy!

ANNIE

But look on the bright side. You bring an innocent life into this world and you have a great opportunity to make him or her just as cynical as you.

LINDA

Cute, Ann.

ANNIE

Or, you get a chance to be what most women long to be. A mother.

LINDA

Right now, I'd rather be drunk. Want some champagne?

ANNIE

Sure. Got any orange juice?

LINDA

Coming right up.

She goes to cooler and gets a carton of O.J.

LINDA

I know I shouldn't be complaining. Not after everything Robert and I went through to get pregnant.

ANNIE

So what finally did it? The clomid?

LINDA

No. I don't think so. I'm not really sure fertility drugs work on me. All I know is after I did the H.S.G. I was determined not to go through any more pain like that.

ANNIE

So what's the secret?


There is the off stage sound of a toilet flushing.

LINDA

Relaxation.

ANNIE

Oh, come on.

LINDA

No really. I swear. I just sort of said to hell with it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't - we adopt.

ANNIE

Relaxation, huh.

LINDA

I'll tell you something else. Adoption is a hell of a lot more comfortable.


Laura enters the room. She is carrying a plate of finger sandwiches. Linda hides the champagne bottle.

LAURA

What's that?

ANNIE

O.J.

LAURA

Oh. Here taste this.


Annie picks up a sandwich. Linda declines. Annie tastes the sandwich.

ANNIE

Cucumber!

LAURA

Very English.

LINDA

Oh, Mother.

LAURA

I've also got some scones and strawberry jam downstairs. This is going to be so much fun. You look much better, dear.

How do you feel?

LINDA

Much better.

ANNIE

Not feeling well?

LINDA

Morning sickness in the afternoon.

ANNIE

Upset tummy?

LINDA

It's the same feeling I get when I see Grandma Ruth clip her toenails.

LAURA

Oh, Linda!

LINDA

Not a pretty sight.

LAURA

Robert's leaving in a few minutes. Should I send him up or are you coming down?

LINDA

Tell him I'll be down in a minute.

LAURA

Annie watch her, I don't want her passing out before the shower gets started.

ANNIE

I'll keep my eye on her.


Laura exits, leaving the sandwiches.

LINDA

So, Annie who is this mysterious guy you're dating?

ANNIE

He's not mysterious. He's just a guy.

LINDA

Oh, Ann come on.

ANNIE

What?

LINDA

How come I've never seen him?

ANNIE

I don't know. You've been busy.

LINDA

I'm not too busy to meet some guy you like. Has Susan met him?

ANNIE

Well, Susan is up in Santa Barbara most of the time and that's a pretty long commute.

LINDA

So, Susan hasn't seen him either? How long have you been dating?

ANNIE

Awhile.

LINDA

Annie, why don't you just take the fifth.

ANNIE

What?

LINDA

Okay. Have you and Phyllis double dated?

ANNIE

She's busy doing a play at the Tiffany.

LINDA

Annie! They're still rehearsing. So, Phyllis hasn't seen him, I haven't seen him and Susan hasn't seen him. He must look like a gargoyle.

ANNIE

No. Actually, he's quite attractive.

LINDA

Then, why are you hiding him?

ANNIE

I'm not hiding him.

LINDA

Attractive is another way of saying, "No looks, big personality." I haven't seen him, nor has Susan or Phyllis, you're hiding him because he has the face of a bull dog.

ANNIE

He doesn't have the face of a bull dog.

LINDA

Then he must be a garbage man.

ANNIE

Absolutely not.

LINDA

A postman.

ANNIE

Not hardly.

LINDA

He's the gardener!

ANNIE

No, he's not the gardener.

LINDA

He trims your lawn, then he trims your bush. He's bald, he's Mexican, and he's hot and sweaty and you're having Lady Chatterly fantasies.

ANNIE

D.A.M.N. Linda. He's none of those. He's an actor!

LINDA

You know it's very aggravating when you spell your swear words.

ANNIE

Well. S.H.I.T. I'm mad.

LINDA

No shit.

ANNIE

Don't be vulgar.

LINDA

So, he's an actor. Well, I don't blame you for not telling anyone.

ANNIE

If you had met me downstairs at the door you would have seen him. He dropped me off.

LINDA

Oh, now it's my fault I didn't meet him. Is he any good?

ANNIE

He's a great actor.

LINDA

Oh shit. Sounds like love to me. What's he been in?

ANNIE

Different things.

LINDA

Oh, now we're back to two word answers. I can understand if you don't want to share. Dating a struggling actor is not a pretty sight. They leech.

ANNIE

He doesn't leech.

LINDA

Hey, I've dated a struggling actor. They leech.

ANNIE

You've dated an actor?

LINDA

Pasadena is not that far from Hollywood. In this town, it's easier to find an unemployed actor than it is to find a Burger King. Every Tom, Dick, and Marlon is a God damn actor.

ANNIE

Well, this is my first. And he's not unemployed. He works a lot.

LINDA

Like in what?

ANNIE

Oh, theatre.

LINDA

Now we're back to two word answers. So, Annie - just answer me this - - - Do you cook meals for him?

ANNIE

Yes.

LINDA

Do you drive him to auditions?

ANNIE

Sometimes.

LINDA

Do you help him memorize his lines?

ANNIE

Occasionally.

LINDA

Does he fuck your brains out?

ANNIE

Linda!

LINDA

I rest my case. You are involved with a hungry, struggling actor. It'll be the best sex you ever had and the worst emotional ride possible.

ANNIE

Maybe, maybe not.

LINDA

Hell, he'll be lucky if he can get five words out of you. I take it back - you'll probably frustrate the crap out of him. And he'll use it on stage.


There's a knock at the door.

LINDA

Come in.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

No, not yet. It's me guys. I want you to open the door when I say three, okay?

ANNIE

Okay.

LINDA

Hold it. Let us get ready.

Annie and Linda move to either side of the double doors.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

This is going to be neat-o. Let me know when you're ready, okay?

LINDA & ANNIE

Okay, ready!

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

Okay, one, two ... are you really ready?

LINDA

Yes, Miss Swanson, we're ready for your close up.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is really going to be neat-o. One, two ... I need you to open the doors - both at the same time.

ANNIE

We got it.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

In unison.

LINDA

We figured that much out.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

Okay, okay, okay, okay. You're really gonna like this ... on three, okay?

LINDA & ANNIE

Okay.

PHYLLIS (O.S.)

One, two ... three!


Annie and Linda swing open the doors.

PHYLLIS

Tah Dah!


Phyllis is dressed as Cleopatra. She does a little Egyptian dance in the doorway a la Steve Martin. She is blonde, cute, and perky; however there is nothing Egyptian about her. She is the last person on Earth who should play Cleopatra.

LINDA

Who are you?

PHYLLIS

Guess?

ANNIE

Marsha Brady on drugs?

PHYLLIS

No guess again.

LINDA

Phyllis, cut to the chase.

PHYLLIS

Oh, Missy, I'm Cleopatra.

ANNIE

Wow! Elizabeth Taylor.

PHYLLIS

No, the original one.

ANNIE

You mean Claudette Cobert?

LINDA

No Annie, I think she means in history.

PHYLLIS

Yeah, I'm doing Shakespeare. You know, you're not really considered an actor 'till you do Shakespeare.

LINDA

Did you have to bang Antony to find that out?

PHYLLIS

No, the director. And he loves my work.

LINDA

I'm sure.


Phyllis goes back out into the hall and brings in her bag with her change of clothes and a baby shower present.

LINDA

You know Annie's dating an actor? Maybe you've run across him. Ah, what's his name?

ANNIE

I'm sure Phyllis hasn't seen him.

PHYLLIS

Maybe, I might have. What's he been in?


The bathroom door opens. Susan is standing in the doorway with a towel wrapped around her head and one wrapped around her waist. She wears a red lace bra.

SUSAN

Hey Phyl, how's it going? What'd you do mug a gypsy?


Annie dashes to the bathroom.

ANNIE

My turn.

LINDA

Susan, your timing is like the navigational abilities of Christopher Columbus.

SUSAN

Meaning?

LINDA

You're way off.


Phyllis goes over to Susan and hugs her.

PHYLLIS

But I still love ya.

SUSAN

What'd I do?

PHYLLIS

Linda was just about to discover the name of Annie's new boyfriend.

LINDA

Oh, I know all sorts of things about him. First of all - he has a penis.


Susan dresses throughout the rest of the scene and puts on her make-up.

SUSAN

Linda, you know how secretive Annie is. Why do you let it bother you?

LINDA

She's a challenge. It's like wanting to be pregnant. I won't stop till I get results.

SUSAN

Don't worry, we'll all meet the guy. It's just a matter of time.

PHYLLIS

How do you know?

SUSAN

The bigger the secret, the stronger the crush. This guy isn't going anywhere. She'll tell us in her own way. In her own time.

LINDA

Hell, my kid will be in graduate school by the time that happens. Want some champagne?


Phyllis hands Linda her present.

PHYLLIS

Sure. Here, open my present.

LINDA

Shouldn't I wait till the others arrive?

PHYLLIS

No. I think you can use it now.


Linda opens the gift. As Phyllis pours a glass of champagne. Inside is a huge pacifier for an adult with a string attached, so it can be worn around the neck.

PHYLLIS

Wear it in good health.

LINDA

I hope you got a present for the baby.

PHYLLIS

Yep. It's downstairs. Robert was shaking the box, trying to figure it out. Is he staying for the festivities?

LINDA

Golf calls. I think being stuck in a room full of women playing baby shower games, isn't exactly his idea of Nirvana.

PHYLLIS

Susan, how is Starbuck?

SUSAN

Self-centered, egotistical, and a royal pain in my ass. But he tolerates me.

LINDA

Sounds like Robert.

PHYLLIS

I want to go riding again.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from Lemon Meringue Façade by TED LANGE. Copyright © 2014 Ted Lange. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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