Life As I Blow It: Tales of Love, Life and Sex...Not Necessarily in That Order

Life As I Blow It: Tales of Love, Life and Sex...Not Necessarily in That Order

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780345528377
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Publication date: 02/07/2012
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 1,238,573
Product dimensions: 5.10(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Sarah Colonna is a writer and roundtable regular on the hit late-night talk show Chelsea Lately, and a producer and star of After Lately. She has been performing stand-up in Los Angeles and across the country for several years and has appeared on various television shows. She used to drink bourbon but now prefers vodka.

Read an Excerpt

Where Do I Start?

I’m sitting alone in my apartment with a big glass of vodka next to me. I’ve filled it three times so far, and it’s only 4 p.m. Whatever, it’s Sunday.

I’m trying to figure out how to start this book. I’ve ended it, but I haven’t started it. That’s how I do a lot of things. I get to the end of a meal much faster than I should, like I’ve been given the last hamburger on earth and someone is about to rob me. I walk like I’m being chased. I tend to fuck first and ask questions later.

I’m thirty-­six years old, but I don’t feel like it. Some days I feel like I’m twenty-­one, some days I feel like I’m pushing sixty. I work really hard, and because of that I believe I should be able to play really hard. It’s not easy to find a guy who can handle that. It’s also not easy to find a guy who doesn’t mind that at one point in my life, I slept with somebody named “Paul’s friend.”

To the naked eye, I’m completely responsible. I pay my bills not only on time, but early. I return emails and phone calls in a prompt manner. I won’t go near an egg that is one second past its expiration date. I’ve always known what I want to do with my life professionally. But if you ask me what I want in my personal life, forget it.

I always wanted to get married, until it looked like someone might want to marry me. I was sure I didn’t want kids, then for a couple of months I wanted kids, then a couple of months later I thought kids were horrible. I loved someone so much that I broke up with him because I didn’t want to get hurt. Then when he proved he loved me back, I broke up with him again. I’m a fucking mess, but so are you. Most of us are. I don’t just mean women. Men are a mess, too. We’re all in this together.

We all have two very different personalities living inside us and sometimes those people are at war with each other. It’s confusing to see what two completely different paths can offer you. My mom showed me that if you lived close to your family, you always had a birthday party. You also always had a big Thanksgiving dinner, a big Christmas, an Easter egg hunt. Maybe those events became annoying, but you always knew you could rely on them. And you always had each other.

My dad showed me that if you went off on your own, you could have the career that you always wanted. Your family might change with each marriage and you might have to move around, feel alone for a while, and make new friends, but you’d always be climbing the ladder. Plus you could go on really nice vacations and stay in hotels with nice comfy robes that could be yours for the reasonable price of eighty-­nine dollars.

I’m somewhere in the middle. I want both. Or I want it all. Or I only want part of both. I don’t know. I just know that you don’t always end up happy with what you thought would make you happy. You’ve probably been there a time or two yourself. You can’t always want what you get.

How Many Polacks Does It Take to Ruin a Marriage?

At the time of my parents’ divorce, I was five years old and we were all living in Dallas. Lori came into our lives soon after. My mom’s family was in Arkansas; she went there to look for a place for us to live so that she’d have a support system now that she was going to be a single mom. While she was gone, Lori stayed at our house in Dallas. She didn’t seem to have many housekeeping skills, so I knew she wasn’t a maid. Dad also suggested we didn’t mention the amount of time Lori spent at our house to Mom, so I knew she wasn’t a friendly gal pal. It all seemed to tie together to the time that Mom locked the dead bolt on the front door and then broke a broomstick in half and shoved it into the track of our back sliding-glass door. It was pretty late, so I asked her if she was scared that someone was going to break in. She just smiled and told me to go to bed. I woke up later when my dad tried to climb through a window and didn’t fit. The next day, when I asked Dad why he got home after midnight he told me that he had worked late with Lori. This woman was around at really inconvenient times.

My older sister, Jennifer, and I were flower girls in Dad and Lori’s wedding. Neither of us was too pumped up about the event, but we showed up and did our jobs. I didn’t like weddings to begin with. I found them long and boring and it cut into the time I would normally spend playing “Charlie’s Angels” with my sister. She was brunette, so she played Jaclyn Smith’s character. I was awesome, so I played Cheryl Ladd’s. The third Angel we just pretended was on vacation, because nobody we lived near wanted to be Kate Jackson. We had water guns and a telephone that didn’t work so that we could report to “Charlie.” Since we didn’t have a brother, we considered ourselves very lucky that on the show nobody ever saw Charlie.

This wedding in particular really had me in a foul mood. I didn’t like my new stepmom. She was annoying and made me eat some sort of salmon dish with the skin around it while she said things like “one day your mom and I will be the best of friends.” I’d stare at her, try to count in my head all of the times my mom had called her a slut, spit my dinner into a napkin, and vow to hate her forever. She was also Polish, which made for lots of fun Polack jokes for Jennifer and me. Dad didn’t find them amusing.

I tried to display my distaste for their union. I refused to eat cake at the reception, which at six was my way of saying “fuck you.” The whole thing took place in my old backyard, where I used to live with my family in Dallas. Now it was my dad’s house with a new woman who sucked and had a jacked-­up nose. Lori made Jennifer and me wear brown floral skirts that went past our knees and off-­white shirts that buttoned so high up the neck I thought I was going to choke to death. I went to my old room right after they exchanged vows, and on the way I mentioned to a dozen people that Lori’s nostrils were a lot bigger than my mom’s.

“If you’d like to see a photo comparison, I have one ready,” I told one of my dad’s co-­workers. Nobody bit on the offer. Just as well, I needed to get to sleep. I was going back to Arkansas the next day and I needed all of my energy for wowing the flight attendants with my wit. “What has four legs and won’t live longer than two years?” I’d ask them. One woman would guess a hamster; the other would be so stumped she wouldn’t even have a guess. I’d smile proudly and deliver the punch line perfectly: “My dad’s new marriage!”

I was hilarious. I made my first mental note to myself to become a comedian when I grew up.

By the way, their marriage lasted about two years. The day Dad asked me, “How do you get a one-­armed Polack out of a tree?” I knew it was over.

When they separated, Lori sent letters to my sister and me asking if we could stay in touch and still be friends. I guess she didn’t realize we weren’t friends when she and Dad were married. I thought I had made it obvious that I never liked her. I made a mental note to make that more clear to people in the future.

While it only took my dad a handful of months to remarry, my mom was not interested in dating. She was a single mom living in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She was too busy working and raising us to care about finding a man. She probably also hated men for a while, but I wasn’t old enough to figure that out yet.

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Life As I Blow It 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 73 reviews.
DanD92 More than 1 year ago
I was expecting this to be a book about one night stands, similar to Chelsea Handler's (which by the way is very funny and would have been fine). But Sarah's book surprised me with bold and interesting stories. Yes, some of the other stuff is in there, but really it's a book with heart and a book about struggling to reconcile who you are, and be okay with that person. It's really funny and really interesting. Any reviews that say it's about sex means that person didn't read the book, they're jumping to conclusions. Trust me and get this book. You'll find a lot you relate to. And this is coming from a straight man about a woman's book.
LRH14 More than 1 year ago
Very amusing and funny....enjoyed entire book.....read the entire book in day.......
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Engaging, quippy, hilarious As a fan of Chelsea Handler's books, I must say this may actually be better. Sarah Colonna doesnt try too hard, she has a knack fornstory telling which made the essays flow. Not to mention most, if not all, were laugh-out-loud worthy. A great buy in my opinion.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I loved all of Chelsea Handler's books but I think Sarah Colonna's new book might be even better! I have always loved watching her on Chelsea Lately, so when I heard about her new book I put it on my nook inmediately. It is an awesome read! HILARIOUS! I am running to Barnes and Noble this afternoon to buy my best friend a copy, I know she'll live it too.
Cappy-the-Cat More than 1 year ago
This is a incredibly funny book, there are allot of highlights and very little low lights. Fun to read and like allot of other books you don't end up crying at the end. The stories allot of people can relate to because its things we all did when we were young. this a great book pick it up!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
So, when I purchased this book, I did so expecting a collection of hilarious stories. I did not, however, expect a legit autobiography - which is what this book is. So, if you want Sarah Colonna's autobiography, this is the book for you. But, if you want a collection of hilariius stories, I suggest that you look elsewhere.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I've read a lot of great books written by comedians (including all of the Chelsea Handler books), so I expected this to be similar...wrong! The book is divided into Chapters, however it reads like one long boring story with absolutely no point! There are some parts that are funny (barely), but none of them actually made me laugh out loud. I'm all about reading funny stories of drunk nights/having random sex...but her stories don't have any especially funny or unique qualities. The best part of the book is the Forward that is written by Chelsea Handler. A friend of mine saw her live stand up and said it wasn't funny either...kind of disappointing b/c I love her on Chelsea Lately, and have always thought she would be hilarious!! :(
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love Sarah, I think she is hilarous, but this book was not funny. It was horribly boring in my opinion.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Was a really great, funny read! A bit familiar to the Chelsea Handler books yet more grounded. New fan of Sara Colonna!!! Buy it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is hilarious but it also has some serious points. I just love this book and I'm hoping she will write again!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Easy read and very funny
DrJenski More than 1 year ago
I think Sarah Colonna is hilarious on Chelsea Lately and After Lately. I enjoyed books by both Chelsea Handler and Heather McDonald, so I was excited to preorder this book. It was entertaining, but not as funny as I expected. Her dry humor doesn't translate well into written word. An audiobook version might be more enjoyable!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Maybe it's because I related to way too much of this book, but I thought it was hilarious! It was definitely the perfect pick me up after being dumped yet again.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I loved this book from the second i started reading. She has such attitude and the fact that she opened up about all the things she's done makes you realize she is a normal gal.
dpappas on LibraryThing 8 months ago
I was super excited to get the chance to read this book before it was released. Sarah Colonna is my favorite regular of the round table on Chelsea Lately. In her book she is just as funny as when she is on the round table. In this book Sarah gives the reader a look at her life; from her childhood, to her bartending days, to being hired as a writer on Chelsea Lately. While the book is filled with hilarious tales she also lets the reader see a different side of her.I felt the book was hilarious and easy for any woman to relate to. I would definitely recommend this to friends and family members. This is a book to share with all your girl friends.*I received this book from a giveaway by the publisher. That in no way affects the content of my review.*
zmagic69 on LibraryThing 8 months ago
In a recent review I wrote for Mindy Kaling's Book, I said that with the exception of Chelsea Handler's first book, books by female comedians are not funny. After reading Life as I Blow It, I have figured out why this is true. Usually they don't appeal to men. Life as I Blow it, DOES! This book is very funny as the author Sarah Colonna, talks about growing up in a small town in Arkansas, going to college, then making the big move to California. Anyone can relate to the desire to not grow up, and party way too much. The book goes further though and you learn that she did not just "get lucky" or walk right into a career. You can also see why she and Chelsea are best friends.This was a very fun book to read.
squirrelsohno on LibraryThing 8 months ago
After receiving LIFE AS I BLOW IT through Random House¿s Early Bird Reads program, I didn¿t know what to expect. Honestly, I don¿t like `Chelsea Lately¿ ¿ I like Chelsea Handler¿s books, but despise her show, her acting her standup. I took ARE YOU THERE, VODKA? with me on a flight to Japan and was angry when I finished it two hours later. It was that good. Sarah Colonna is a writer and executive producer on `Chelsea Lately¿, so she had big shoes to fill on this one. Writing a book that amuses me as much as the shenanigans in Chelsea Handler¿s books is a difficult task, but somehow, Colonna managed to rise to the occasion ¿ and actually might have beat Handler in some aspects.Colonna¿s debut is a mixture of sexcapades, drinking stories, and embarrassing adventures. I don¿t identify with Colonna for a second, being an overeducated, prudish homebody who thinks that a fun night out is going to get Korean barbecue and be home by 9 for five episodes of `Arrested Development¿ for the 50th time and some string cheese for dessert. Once I started this book, I couldn¿t stop. From recollections of boyfriends past and her inability to settle down, I was laughing out loud having a great time. With a few exceptions of dull moments and random connecting threads, this book lives up to the expectations given to it as being a book connected to Chelsea Handler¿s comedic writing mastery.If you are into comedic books with a more adult take (IE tales of drinking, drugs, and lots of sex), then LIFE AS I BLOW IT is probably a book for you. The stories are funny, ranging from heartfelt to just plain hilarious. And although I don¿t identify with Colonna, I do identify with being a young person who isn¿t ready to grow up, be serious, and figure out who I am. I tried that, didn¿t really work out well, and I went back to acting like I¿m permanently 15 years old pretty quickly.This story does have a few flaws as I mentioned, but on the whole, it is a laugh-out-loud, snorting-and-chuckling, pass-it-on-to-your-BFF type of book. If you can get past a strange narrative where chapter breaks seem random and stories that just go from one to another with no break, you will really enjoy this, especially if you love Chelsea Handler¿s books. Check this one out and be sure to prepare for the laughs, but if you are a real prude and not just a closet freak like me, then you might want to skip this one ¿ or sample it first.VERDICT: A hilarious romp about sex, lies, and growing up, LIFE AS I BLOW IT will appeal to fans of Chelsea Handler¿s books ¿ and then some.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Jimbo210 More than 1 year ago
This would be funny for a fourteen year-old girl. I kept reading waiting for a smile to break out, but it was decidedly full of fluff for young lady readers. I hate to berate authors, especially when writing about their lives. But after reading this, I'm forced to say, "Get a life."
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Sarah's book is a very funny and fast read about her growing pains! She's at least as funny than Chelsea and much more likeable!